My life is miserable and don't think I can take much more

[FeelingDesperate21]

Posting here for traffic sorry!

I'm feeling so miserable at the moment and just really down and burnt-out and just have no idea what to do.

I work part time but in a stressful job with long shifts and I'm not particularly happy in my job, when I'm not working I'm looking after my three year old and that's pretty much all my life is; work and toddler. I can't drive to take us anywhere new or different and I just seem to take him on the same walk or the same park every day, public transport is abysmal. I'm rubbish at crafts even though I try and do something "cool" most days. My toddler isn't even badly behaved or particularly difficult but I find myself getting snappy and short with him for no reason and sometimes not even really giving him as much attention as I should because I'm so bored of the same stuff everyday.

I struggle to get out of bed in the morning and I'm so exhausted in the day I just find myself just waiting and looking forward until he's in bed so I don't have to feel guilty about not engaging with him.

I don't really have any friends near by and I see my mum often but I already disturb her enough constantly and she still works and does other bits and bobs.

So as not to drip feed I am looking at different jobs but it's difficult because I live semi rural and can't drive through no fault of my own. His dad also isn't on the scene and he already goes to nursery some days but only when I'm in work.

I've just rambled on here, sorry just need to get it all off my chest which already feels better. I'm just fed up of dreading getting up in the morning and the thought of another day. I'm fed up of the crippling guilt I feel over my parenting and any decisions I make.

My life is different to yours but I can very much relate to how you feel. There are certainly many times I feel like that.

Hold onto the fact that it will get better slowly. Your child will slowly get more independent. Things will get easier.
Do hold onto the strengths in your life, whatever they are to you. From my perspective looking at your life, you have a job you can support yourself on, you have your financial freedom, you have freedom from a past relationship and you have a mum to talk to and support you.
I am not trying to take away from how you feel about you life, and maybe it is too painful at the moment for you to think like that. At my worst I couldn't as I found counting the pitiful list of positives too painful. But now I am working hard at changing my thinking patterns and this helps.
Try idenfitying your unhelpful thinking styles - you can google these. A counsellor helped me with this. Its hard when I am low to do it, but at other times it can help a bit.
Are there any ways to make small practical changes. Could your mum take your son to allow you to take up a new hobby or interest once a week? Any small changes at all.

It sounds like you are in a really shit place in your life. But it will be a phase, and it will eventually ease.

@MiddayMadDog

My life is different to yours but I can very much relate to how you feel. There are certainly many times I feel like that.

Hold onto the fact that it will get better slowly. Your child will slowly get more independent. Things will get easier.
Do hold onto the strengths in your life, whatever they are to you. From my perspective looking at your life, you have a job you can support yourself on, you have your financial freedom, you have freedom from a past relationship and you have a mum to talk to and support you.
I am not trying to take away from how you feel about you life, and maybe it is too painful at the moment for you to think like that. At my worst I couldn't as I found counting the pitiful list of positives too painful. But now I am working hard at changing my thinking patterns and this helps.
Try idenfitying your unhelpful thinking styles - you can google these. A counsellor helped me with this. Its hard when I am low to do it, but at other times it can help a bit.
Are there any ways to make small practical changes. Could your mum take your son to allow you to take up a new hobby or interest once a week? Any small changes at all.

It sounds like you are in a really shit place in your life. But it will be a phase, and it will eventually ease.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I appreciate its a long post. I think identifying the thinking process will be useful, I did an online CBT course the GP signed me up for for anxiety and I found it really helpful at the time but I've forgotten most of it now. Do you find counselling helps? My mum would absolutely take my son for a couple of hours for me to try out something, she's been pushing me to do it actually, I just need to find the motivation and confidence to go out on my own and do it!

I had a good cry earlier (I haven't cried in nearly a year so it definitely feels a bit better now!) and honestly felt so hopeless but I've finished my pity party for today! One of my main problems is I don't like change so I'm scared to do anything too out there because I hate feeling like I'm loosing control

Your reply has helped me so much so thank you, its nice to know even some random stranger on the Internet cares enough to help

How on earth have you got through the past year without a cry?😁
You must be a very strong person.
I'm glad you feel a bit better after it.
Life has been so challenging over the past year, particularly those with young children.
It's a huge achievement doing what you do.
Take your mum up on the opportunity to take some time for yourself.
Things will get easier.

Find things with your child you like to do and do them. So I love going for walks so I’d do that but take snacks, take a toy to play with at our destination.
When not at work I would challenge myself to get house jobs done by their bedtime then plan a treat e.g. bath and a book.

It sounds really hard but things will get better.

If you are feeling rubbish all the time, perhaps it's time for a GP check up? Just to make sure you aren't anaemic or anything?

I know you have a lot on, but your pushing water uphill if you aren't physically tip top

Do you find counselling helps?

If its a good counsellor. I think there are a lot of bad counsellors but a good one is gold dust. I got this one free from a charity (I have kids too and was struggling for various reasons). They originally gave me a different counsellor who was rubbish, so I asked for another. I think if you do this they upgrade you to one of their top people. I only had her for seven sessions but she was really good. You can tell a good counsellor quite quickly, certainly within two sessions at most, as they don't just let you talk, they actually quite quickly identify what the key areas are to work on with you and start to put that into action.

It sounds like there is very little tying you to the area. If you are unable to drive a city or suburbs with good transport links would do wonders for your quality of life - and be helpful as your son gets older. Just start dreaming now, and think about how you want your life to change. You do have control!

I also second counseling and getting help from your mum. It's been a really tough 18 months.

It's so tough! Please don't feel like you're alone. I find myself snappy with my 6 year old because it's all just the same! The same walks, parks etc. Are you able to get him into nursery an extra day/half day when you're not working? So you have some time to yourself. Even if it's just to lie in bed! Speak to your GP and get signed off work (if you'll still get paid and it won't cause added stress)?

But as above yes to counselling. It does help but don't be too hard on yourself. This year has been shit!

You do a “cool” thing every day! Yikes, I was lucky if I managed one cool thing a week. I think you are being very hard on yourself trying to be all singing and all dancing.

I think you sound depressed. The constant fatigue and difficulty enjoying anything are really classic symptoms. You could try antidepressants and a refresher of the CBT, I think they would help you a lot.

I am not sure I have done a cool thing yet and oldest is 11 now...

Look you have a difficult job, a child at a difficult age, during a difficult time. And you are doing this alone. I would be giving myself parenting high fives all over the place.

When you have a good day, or even a good five minutes, just bask in it. Do more of whatever you enjoyed. Take the pressure off.

Finally (or firstly really) book in with GP if it's been a while since you went. You deserve the very best help and support.

I really feel for you @FeelingDesperate21 and found your post really moving.
It actually sounds like you’re doing a great job, keeping everything going and looking after a toddler, but it’s hard.

I would agree with pp who said counselling & great if your mum will have the little one for a couple of hours.

Things will start to improve

@billy1966

How on earth have you got through the past year without a cry?😁 You must be a very strong person. I'm glad you feel a bit better after it. Life has been so challenging over the past year, particularly those with young children. It's a huge achievement doing what you do. Take your mum up on the opportunity to take some time for yourself. Things will get easier.

No idea how but its strange because I used to cry constantly up until a couple of years ago. I definitely get emotional still but it seems to manifest its self more in stress and being short tempered

I didn't expect so many responses thank you so much everyone! In regards to the doing "cool stuff" I think its because I've seen so many people posting on social media about crafty things they do and I feel a bit inadequate even though I know its just a snapshot, I am taking a break from SM currently.

I will still get paid if I'm signed off sick though in a strange way when I'm in work I almost forget about everything and never feel that down, I think its because I'm focusing on helping out other people.

Also thank you for the suggestions of counselling I will book in to see my GP I'd rather have a crack at therapy before I tried anti depressants (I'm definitely not against them btw). Physically my health isn't tip top I usually have low iron levels and I take a couple of medications which have different side effects.

Thank you so much everyone for all your messages it has honestly helped so much and made me feel listened too which I've really needed . I know its not just me and we've all had a difficult 18 months fingers crossed it won't be log until there is a little normality again

Sertraline has absolutely pulled me through this Covid year. I was having a nightmare with the banality of life with small kids and limited escape.

I do suggest looking for another (possibly remote?) job- lots of companies are moving towards working from home so your remote location shouldn't hold you back too much, assuming you have a laptop and good enough Wifi.

Toddlers can be very boring. Soon though, he will get his free hours for childcare and then he will be at school- then everything will change, and you'll have some breathing space again (and probably start really enjoying being with him when he is at home).

What you're feeling is totally normal and far more common than people like to admit.

Best of luck to you.

It gets easier. My 6 year old dd made a bird castle while I wfh nice a quietly. My 11 year old dd well comming downstairs is an effort. Under 5 us very hard take it steady xx

Samaritans can be useful to talk to as well xx

Also I realise how the work thing sounded confusing, I love doing the job as in what my job description is and chatting to/helping others just not the way things are run and set out if that makes sense!

You are doing so well. You are a single, working mum surviving after a year of lockdowns. You’ve done amazingly well to get this far and it’s no wonder you feel like you do. It will get better. Make use of your mum, even if it’s just for a couple of hours so you can watch some rubbish on TV or have a bath. I really hope things improve for you soon.

It’s been an exceptionally difficult year and you sound like you’ve got a lot on. I was miserable in a job once and it was horrendous, but I got out eventually and it made the world of difference.

Your kid is at such a difficult age just now because they’re still too wee to occupy themselves for very long, and everything you could take them to is closed anyway. It’s garbage, but it’s hopefully for not too much longer.

Could you afford to put your kid in nursery for an extra morning to give yourself a bit of breathing space?

This past year has been so, so hard and I think as a single mum, you’ve done so amazingly.

Can you afford to put DS in nursery on one of your days off so you can get some time to yourself?

And you should definitely take your mum up on her offer, even if not to do counselling.

Though I think you should try counselling, because you do sound a bit depressed.

On doing cool stuff with your son, is there anything you enjoy doing that you could get him involved in? I know there’s very, very little we can do at the moment, but for example, I get a take out coffee and babychino and a couple of croissants for us, and then it feels like I’m doing something for me that he also enjoys. Does that make sense?

And don’t worry about doing cool crafts. They don’t give a shit. Really they don’t. Play doh, mud, sand, cars, trains, puzzles, stories etc. All of these are perfect.

Do you know any other mums locally? Time in the playground with other mums lately has made a massive difference to mental health.

Also check out Five Minute Mum’s website. She has loads of good ideas for activities and everything only takes five minutes to set up.

to you. It’s bloody hard at the moment.

I've felt like you this year and have found online counselling helpful. I completely get the feeling of dreading getting up in the morning, feeling guilty for not engaging with the children and wishing it was bedtime! I think it's been a rubbish time for everyone and life will get easier, hopefully very soon as playgroups open up and your little one gets older. You've done the hardest part now!

I found things very difficult when I had a child that small around, no matter how much you love them, with a three year old things get repetitive and oh so boring. I was tearing my hair out with a three year old, and then the guilt was extreme, so I got snappy and irritable.

It does get better, a bit every year and by the time they're in school things feel very much easier. Hang in there, nothing stays the same even though it doesn't always feel that way!

Someone said something the other month and it really stuck with me.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I get the whole scared of change, I’m in a job I hate and feel like crying when I log onto my laptop. So I would never comment and say get a new job, move away etc but also at the same time if you do do these things then can it be any worse then how you feel now?

Sorry if I've missed it but can you take steps to learn how to drive? It will make your life so much easier.