How much do you baby daddy’s contribute day to day?

[IslandGirl5]

I need to start by saying that DH does a lot round the house. We both work in gyms so have been at home 24/7 during every lockdown apart from a few 1-1 clients he’s trained outside on the park near our house and I’ve been on maternity for most of lockdown too. So he loves a clean and tidy house which is great, so do I but if I’m exhausted from our 8 month old then I can easily turn a blind eye until I know I can get stuff done!

Day to day we’ve got into the routine of me doing every feed (EBF) including solid foods at meal times too, every nap, almost every nappy change and she’s still waking in the night 3/4 times and needing help to settle. She’s not the best sleeper but it is improving. I do a lot of the playtime during the day and bits of housework here and there. I’m also the only one who drives so if we need a food shop or anything then it’s me who drives and we all have to go because DD can get really fussy if I’m not around for more than an hour or so.

DH does most of the clothes washing, cooking, general cleaning and hoovering to keep it up to his standards. I’ll do the dishes and put clothes away etc but he does do a good 80% of stuff round the house. On top of all this we’re moving overseas soon, it’s been the most stressful thing to organise, but because I’m better with organising things and structure a lot (not all) of it has fallen on me to plan, pack, book shipping etc. And I’m so stressed and tired. If I actively ask DH to take DD so I can lie in or go have a bath then he does (sometimes with hesitation I might add!) but I feel like I shouldn’t have to ask all the time. She’s his daughter too and I don’t feel I need to be asked to do the dishes when I do etc and it’s really getting to me. He needs the house to be tidy so I help, he needs time to go exercise so I make sure he gets that, but I feel like my needs get pushed aside. His needs and the house come first unless I actively ask for him to have DD for a while. AIBU when he does other things? He has his time chilling on the sofa or playing on his PlayStation which I know he should get but what gets me is I don’t get any of that time. If I just sat down and started playing something or went for a bath without telling him and left him with DD he wouldn’t be happy. What’s your honest opinion? I know it’s not the worst situation but I just feel so flat and tired and un appreciated I guess

Maybe you should leave your DD with him and go for a bath without saying anything. If he is unhappy and complains about it you can simply point out that you are doing what he does when he plays on the PlayStation.

It does sound like he has checked out of doing things with your DD - he could be doing solid feeds and nappy changes, and I'm not sure why he isn't?

You should both get equal time for your hobbies/time to yourself - what do you think he would say if you totalled the time he spends on exercise and then asked when it would suit him for you to take the same amount of time for your exercise/hobbies?

Dd gets unsettles because the stranger has her
She sees her around occasionally but he's no actual use. Then GiverOfAll dumps her on him and he looks awkward and mutters whilst doing the bare minimum. Of course she's unhappy of that is prolonged.

Is that how you want their relationship to be?

If forget the bread of milk, go in the kitchen, come in and declare you need to pop to the shops and you won't be long. Walk out. Text from the car and say the queue is AWFUL, go to MacDonalds and have a coffee and donut, grab milk on the way home and come back all smiles, aww did you have fun with Daddy etc.

If he complains ask him what he is complaining about specifically - is he unhappy caring for his own daughter?

I’m also the only one who drives so if we need a food shop or anything then it’s me who drives and we all have to go because DD can get really fussy if I’m not around for more than an hour or so.

This is ridiculous, leave him with the baby and he'll figure out how to settle her. Sounds like you have fallen into a martyr role tbh. Sure he can't BF but he can do all of hte other things.

I think this kind of pattern is very common, especially with first babies, but it’s wrong, and he needs to be called out on it. I’d just sit down and tell him - you’re being made the default parent, and he needs to step up more. He shouldn’t get to pick only the household tasks that suit him, while you get stuck with relentless caregiving. Tell him, today.

She sees HIM around
Unhappy if that is prolonged.

If he says he's unhappy being left with her ask why, and keep digging down to why. He can't do it as well as you / she prefers you etc means he needs to practise. It's your job needs a serious sit down chat about your relationship.

God I’m kind of relieved you guys agree with me! I thought up things to say and even mentioned in passing how it’s ended up being me that does everything with her and always end up feeling unreasonable because he does lots round the house! I know a big conversation needs to happen! I refuse to be a martyr! I’m normally such a hard headed person and don’t take any crap but the tiredness has worn me down and I just go for the easy option. Thanks guys ♥️

Make him do things draw u a total and get him to Stick to it. Make sure he has me time but he also looks after the baby on your me time. She's never going to get used to you not being there and he needs to learn to cope when it's your me time.

I feel like I need to add that he has offered to help in the past, especially with her sleep, but when he’s taken her and she’s been hard to settle he goes against the things I’ve asked him to do (keep it dark and quiet etc) and tried new things that have made the situation worse. Like tried to tire her out by letting her play at half 10 at night 😐 so now I just get anxious letting other people help because she’s got a routine that is for the most part working!

You do have to let him make his own mistakes though, unless he is doing something dangerous or neglectful. If he is in charge of the baby then you need to leave him to it. When he has some experience of dealing with her, you could then have a separate conversation about your agreed parenting approach. Best done at a calm time when you aren't distracted by the baby.

Your right there @AssassinatedBeauty I struggle to let go of control sometimes. With lockdown it’s all felt down to me and the thought of giving that up a little is a bit scary for me.

It sounds like the problem might be that she's fussy if you aren't there and he doesn't know how to soothe her.

It's difficult, but he's got to learn these things just like we did. I would suggest that you leave the two of them when you go to the supermarket for a starter. It's difficult for dads, but they have to forge their own bonds with the baby.

Make sure that you have time for you, at first it might need to be out of the house so you aren't there to fall back on.

It's natural to want to look after her yourself because you know her routines and rhythms, but the only way he is going to learn is if you give him the chance to.

when he’s taken her and she’s been hard to settle he goes against the things I’ve asked him to do (keep it dark and quiet etc) and tried new things that have made the situation worse. Like tried to tire her out by letting her play at half 10 at night

That doesn’t matter. He has to learn to parent her on his own, find out what works for the two of them. Babies settle for different people in different ways.

You can’t and shouldn’t try to micromanage and control their relationship. You leave him with her and let them figure it out together, just as you and her had to.

The less effort he puts into learning how to look after her, the more ingrained it will be for her to depend on you over her.
By 8 months he should be able to look after her for a couple of hours. My ex found it easiest to take babies out with him as they are more interested in the world around them, likely to drift off and it's less embarrassing if they cry because you can find a place with less people listening.
Don't forget that he might discover new tricks to settle her - your way isn't the only way
My ex worked Monday to Friday and enjoyed the novelty of breakfast with the babies on Saturdays. He'd make some toast, pancake or scrambled egg and they'd eat it side by side at the table.

8m is a really hard age for that. Both my children showed a marked preference for me at that age, despite DH being a very caring parent and being physically around all the time for our second. Both of them have gone through phases when they have a very obvious preference for one of us - sometimes it has been him!

If I were you, I would try to set up a time for your DH to regularly take your DD. With our first, my DH was working full time out of the house so he'd do bathtime and bedtime every day, so I always had that time to myself. Now (excluding right now because I'm ill), he usually takes them between afternoon nap and dinner.

Doesn't have to be every day, could be weekly, but I'd arrange a time with him when he's in charge and you're off the hook. I think it will be easier for both of you to have a regular time planned in advance. Then, after a month or two, add in another time and so on.

It took me some time to "let go" properly, and I used to micromanage my perfectly-capable DH when it came to the children. It gets easier when they're a bit older and have a more solid routine as there aren't so many contingencies to think of.

Lots of people will be on here telling you what a shit your DH is and how you should just throw the baby and him and leave them to it. I think it's possible to have fallen into an unfortunate pattern but also very possible for you to escape from it with a little sustained effort.

DH and I have a rota, at his instigation. He needed to know when he was having the DC and when was his own time. So we split the time, at first into morning/ afternoon/ evening but now into whole days.

Could you do a rota with your DH?

Stop referring to him as a 'baby daddy' first of all. It screams 'Aw, poor menz, they're completely useless, how cute'.

He is a father and should behave as such.

Equal downtime should work if you're both based at home? It's great that he's keeping on top of the house but even with some work hours (1:1) then does that balance? Do you both get the same workout time? Do you both get the same leisure time? If you book yourselves "time" on a calendar then neither of you need to clear it with the other. Would that help you feel your time is recognised?

YABU simply for saying “baby daddy” (not envy)

I could have written this post. My partner is exactly the same, anything difficult or boring eg. Settling DS for his naps or feeding him is left to me. He has to be repeatedly reminded when it's my turn for a lie in and even then he fannys about for a good 20 mins before he takes DS. I'm hoping as DS gets bigger (he's also 8 months) and less of a baby my partner will find him more interesting. I don't know what I'll do if he's still like it when DS is able to understand that daddy would rather wash his car than spend time with him.

You lost me at "baby daddy".

@Booksandwine80

YABU simply for saying “baby daddy” (not envy)

Oh yeah, awful phrase. He's your partner and therefore equally responsible for your child. Go out for an hour an leave him to it. You should have equal leisure time to yourselves. But you do need to let go a bit and be comfortable that he might do things a bit differently.

I assumed "baby daddy" was an autocorrect fail or typo for "baby's daddy".

@PerspicaciousGreen

I assumed "baby daddy" was an autocorrect fail or typo for "baby's daddy".

Me too, given she then refers to him as DH throughout not "my Baby Daddy" but you know, it's good posters like Sunshine are focusing on the important bits 😩

I feel like I need to add that he has offered to help in the past, especially with her sleep, but when he’s taken her and she’s been hard to settle he goes against the things I’ve asked him to do (keep it dark and quiet etc) and tried new things that have made the situation worse. Like tried to tire her out by letting her play at half 10 at night 😐 so now I just get anxious letting other people help because she’s got a routine that is for the most part working!

He needs to learn how to care for his child, and much of that will be trial and error. He needs to do it his way and learn from that - and make his own mistakes along the way. He’ll soon learn what she needs to settle but if you keep stepping in he’ll lose confidence and keep handing her back to you.

If she fusses when you’re out, he’ll need to learn how to deal with that, if she’s not settling to sleep, he’ll need to cope with that too. It’s unrealistic that you do it all but it’s also unrealistic to dictate how he cares for her assuming he’s not putting her in actual danger. My DH and I have different parenting styles, he doesn’t do things the way I think is easiest but they are his kids too and they can adjust to our different styles. Otherwise I’d never get a minute.

If you want him to take care of her, let him take care of her. But don't huff and puff all the time that he's not doing stuff the same way you are