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AIBU?

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Original poster

How to deal with flakey friend?

29 replies

Creamcustards · 06/04/2021 22:54

I made a new-ish friend at work, we live close by so over past year have ended up doing lots of walks.
About once a week when the weather’s nice one of us will suggest a quick walk at the end of the work day, and this has been been a lovely way to unwind. We each instigate equally, it’s not a one-sided thing.

But, whenever we plan something more than a day in advance, she will flake on me. We might both agree we want to do X (walks mostly, although it was the pub or a meal sometimes last summer) I’ll suggest a date, she will confirm she’s free, I’ll book a table / invite mutual friends, but then when I send a ‘see you tomorrow’ reminder text she will say sorry she has promised to do something with somebody else. This happens 80% of the time. I find it really rude, but I don’t want to be hard work or make things awkward, so I just say it’s fine and we carry on without her (or if it’s just me involved I stay at home).

She’s done it again this evening for the third time since January, and I am hurt and rather annoyed. Thinking from now on I am just going to take the hint that doing things with me is not high on her list of priorities (which of course is absolutely fine) and accordingly I will stop planning or making myself available to do things with her, because why should I keep days free and turn down other plans, only to be ditched?

But is it proud/cowardly to step back in this way? Is it better to explain the next time a plan comes up that I’d much prefer her to she say no right away, than flake the day before? I am non-confrontational and don’t want to lose the friendship (such as it is) but also aware I need more of a backbone. So unsure which is the best approach.

YANBU- just stop suggesting / planning things with her
YABU- exlain how I feel

OP posts:
BramStoker · 06/04/2021 22:59

Can't you just carry on with the impromptu walks when it suits you both and not bother with other more complex plans?

I would just appreciate the friendship for what it is and not try to complicate things

Perhaps she doesn't like socialising in a bigger group but doesn't know how to say no

WeatherwaxOn · 06/04/2021 23:03

I had a friend who used to do this. When we first got to know each other she was lovely. We'd take it in turns to cook dinner for each other before a club we both attended, had loads of laughs. Then she started cancelling on me.
Found out (through a mutual friend that she she would accept several offers if meeting people and just go with whoever she liked best that day.
Final straw for me was she had offered to alter a piece of clothing for me, then I saw she'd posted it in a local sales site. Contacted her, she apologised and said I could pick it up, then put it back up on a different site.

Oioioioo · 06/04/2021 23:05

My BFF is the BIGGEST flake and has let me down on so many occasions. But after 30 odd years of friendship, and it is friendship, I have to accept that that’s who she is and she won’t change.

DrManhattan · 06/04/2021 23:06

She might think you are ok with her cancelling as you never mention otherwise.

SnarkyBag · 06/04/2021 23:07

Recategorise her as an acquaintance you occasionally go on walks with. I have close friends that I would be upset if they did this but I have more recent casual friends that are flakey who I put in the “if we both happen to be around at the same time they’re nice company” bit I don’t go to great efforts to make plans and if I need to flake out on a catch up I don’t feel bad either

Leeds2 · 06/04/2021 23:07

I would just carry on doing the walks straight after work, and not make plans to do anything else. Or invite her to drinks/meals with mutual friends, so that it doesn't matter so much if she is a no show. Just don't arrange an evening which is just the two of you because you know that you are going to be disappointed.

seensome · 07/04/2021 00:51

Explain how you feel, it's never going to stop unless you say something. It wouldn't be rude if you to say to her, you could of given me more notice as I could of planned something else. That would be what I'd do, if she continues to flake then avoid making plans other than if you both happen to be free on the day, you don't deserve to be mucked about.

LettuceAveIt · 07/04/2021 01:31

I would be interested to see what people might suggest in terms of discussing this with her. I would have no idea how to go about broaching this with a casual friend / acquaintance without it being awkward.

alexdgr8 · 07/04/2021 01:52

well if a similar idea is suggested by her, before agreeing, you could say, are you really sure you want to do this/go/meet there, because 3 three times this year already you have let me down.
it's not the way i operate and it's not how i want to continue with you.
if you do not really intend to come, or are likely to drop out at the last minute, except for an emergency, then i'd rather not make an arrangement.
let's just stick to what we can both achieve, just going for a walk together when it is convenient for both of us. what do you think.

or you could just do this without announcing it to her, ie make no more elaborate bookings/meals. keep it to ad hoc walks only.

sandgrown · 07/04/2021 07:25

I think I would have to say something. It’s so rude . I would just go for the walks and if she says anything I would just mention the fact that if it’s just the two of you it’s very disappointing when she cancels last minute .

superram · 07/04/2021 07:29

Is she cancelling as you are inviting other people?

Isitreally17777 · 07/04/2021 07:35

I have a friend who would arrange to go out then almost always cancel as she had double booked herself or just didn't feel like it. I've stopped suggesting things now.

Nuitsdesetoiles · 07/04/2021 07:42

Ive stopped making arrangements with friends who flake on me. Life's too short. I also know people who won't commit as they're waiting for a better offer so I don't invite them anymore. However it may be that she doesn't want to come due to you inviting other people, I had a friend like this who would always invite other people along to our arrangements. It may be that she doesn't see them as mutual friends. I was good enough friends with the person who did this to say I didn't want to chit chat to aquaintances when out and she stopped doing it. It may be that this is how she feels but doesn't feel comfortable mentioning it?

KickingBishopBrennanUpTheArrse · 07/04/2021 07:58

I suffer from CPTSD which affects me with mild agoraphobia and social anxiety. Impromptu casual things like a walk with one friend are fine but pre-planned group activities with more people often give me the chance to overthink, panic and then cancel because I can't face it. I doubt she's just being flakey but is more likely to be overwhelmed. Perhaps just remain the casual one on one walk buddies without pressure which works for you both.

Mellonsprite · 07/04/2021 08:04

Are you sure it’s not because you are inviting others? I have a friend who invites another group of other friends after we’ve agreed to go somewhere, and it’s awkward as I don’t know them. I’ve often though when she does it again I’ll cancel.

NoGoodPunsLeft · 07/04/2021 08:23

The OP says she carries.on with the others invited or stays home doing nothing if the friend flakes on something that was just them so it can't be the group thing putting her off.

I'd go with something like @alexdgr8 suggested.

doctorhamster · 07/04/2021 08:45

If I arranged a walk with you and you invited other people along I would cancel too.

superram · 07/04/2021 10:49

Is she cancelling as you are inviting other people?

SnuggyBuggy · 07/04/2021 10:53

I'm also wondering about the other people. In my experience people have different attitudes to this, some are very more the merrier and others will think it's really rude. Some might be OK with mutual friends but not strangers.

Other than that it might be worth just sticking with the walks after work but accepting that this isn't the sort of friendship for planning in advance.

Original poster
Creamcustards · 07/04/2021 11:00

Thanks for the replies, she’s definitely not cabcelling because of other people, she’s the most sociable and extraverted person I know. I think this might be part of the problem. She probably gets lots of people making plans with her, but she feels bad saying no to people so it’s easier to say yes and then come up with a last minute excuse for the least likely to be offended. That person usually seems to be me.

OP posts:
Mylovelyhorsee · 07/04/2021 11:12

I’m a bit like your friend I hate saying no to people so end up letting people down as I’ve over booked. It’s something I’m working on.

FlyNow · 07/04/2021 11:24

This is annoying but I don't see any way of broaching it in a polite way. I have a few friends like this, my solution is to make the plans but at the same time know it probably won't happen. So I don't keep the day free, buy tickets, arrange food, etc. If something else pops up for that day I accept.

mn81987 · 07/04/2021 11:31

Say to her from now on she can arrange things as she's the one that's busier than you and always needs to cancel.

Pinkdelight3 · 07/04/2021 12:36

As it's the third time, that feels like the perfect time to say - "That's the third time this that you've cancelled on me last minute - is everything okay? Should I stop inviting you to anything other than our walks? I don't want you to feel you have to go along with things then keep pulling out."

That feels to me like a more open and assertive way to tackle this rather than just working around it. She might not even be away of how flakey she is or the impact it has on others. You can still be friends but it needs to be said not to cause underlying issues.

Pinkdelight3 · 07/04/2021 12:36

*third time this year