Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel like I’m always apologising

35 replies

AlwaysSorryz · 06/04/2021 16:35

Bit of backstory. I had a fairly wild childhood, according to my parents. Come from a traditional, conservative, family and I was always the odd one out. I liked hanging out with friends, liked dating, partying. Smoked a little weed here and there and also drank. Usual teenage stuff. I still managed to graduate uni and got my first job straight out of uni. I’ve now been married 12 years and have 4 dc. We’re doing ok. Not well off by any means but comfortable. I have my life together.

So I’ve always felt like my past wild way, that my parents and siblings did not approve of, is always thrown back in my face. Like no matter how much I’ve changed, and turned my life around, it’s never good enough. My family never let me forget it. They feel the need to constantly tell me all the things I’m doing wrong and I seem to be constantly apologising. I’ve gone along with it for years but I’ve realised, I’m actually just apologising for being me.

I’m too loud, I’m too opinionated, I’m never going to change, I’m bitter, I’m too crass, I’m too fat, I’m too overbearing, I’m a control freak, I let the dc get away with everything. I feel like I can’t do anything right. I actually think they just don’t like anything about me. I shouldn’t have to constantly apologise for being myself.

AIBU to just tell them all to fuck off?

I don’t even know what I want from this thread, just to vent really. Yesterday I had db call and rant at me for a full hour because I offended his dw. Apparently, when she called me last week, I talked to her about a book my dc is reading and apparently this was ‘showing off’. I’ve upset her and I should apologise when I don’t even know what I’ve done wrong.

OP posts:
WisestIsShe · 06/04/2021 16:43

You either need to pull them up every single time they put you down or you need to assess exactly what positive things they add to your life. My dm can be very negative about me, I'm boring, not high achieving (she actually means high earning like my siblings), I waste money (my money that I work hard for) etc. I don't let anything pass, pick her up on it every time. It has definitely made it less frequent.
Personally I'd spend less time with them and more time with people I enjoyed being with. Life is supposed to be enjoyable.
Be yourself, many people will love you for it, even if they aren't your family.

prawntoastie · 06/04/2021 16:44

My dad is kind of like this but more in regards to if I want to go into a trade, work for a company or move to an area.
He’s always got something negative to say, I usually just nod and ignore

gamerchick · 06/04/2021 16:46

Tell them to fuck off. You've got he answer.

I certainly wouldn't sit and be told off for an hour on the phone. Hang up every time. Cut off the revving up by leaving or changing the subject and stop apologising. It's a nasty habit you're all in.

B33Fr33 · 06/04/2021 16:47

I would be sending a very cutting apology to the tender little flower who is offended by hearing about a child reading a book. Wow. She needs to work on her resilience.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/04/2021 16:51

You are the family punching bag. I've seen this dynamic many, many times.

Tell them all to fuck off, massively reduce contact, and FGS stop apologising. You've been beaten over the head long enough.

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 16:54

God they are toxic.

I hear you.

No matter what I achieve in life my mother will forever reference the one time I was mouthy as a teen.

DustCentral · 06/04/2021 16:56

Be proud of your wild youth. It’s made you more interesting. That’s what they can’t stand.
I had a wild youth. You’d never believe it you met me now but I refuse to regret it. Cringe at it sometimes Blush but never regret. Life’s too short to spend time apologising for things you didn’t do wrong in the first place.

Like a PP said, either pull them up on it every time or tell them to fuck off and choose to only spend time with people who like you for you.

Chocolateismakingmefat · 06/04/2021 17:06

Every time anything is brought up remind them of your current age and hang up /leave the room.. You don't need to socialise with such nasty fuckers op.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 06/04/2021 17:18

Yep you are the family scapegoat....i'd be ringing up db and telling him to never ever speak to me again like that...what a knob.

thepeopleversuswork · 06/04/2021 17:23

Your youth doesn't sound particularly wild... it sounds like fairly standard fare. Mine was far wilder and my parents got over it.

They sound absolutely toxic. It's just not on for you to have your past held over you in perpetuity if you've got your act together.

I would try giving them an ultimatum: tell them you are no longer going to sit through endless character assasinations and if they can't give you the credit you deserve then you will put distance between you and them. See how they react. But be prepared to mean it and walk away if they can't step up.

Tooshytoshine · 06/04/2021 17:34

Tell them to fuck off in your head.

Then stand up for yourself to them. Your sister in law needs to be a bit more resilient. My son has severe dyslexia and is far behind his peers in reading etc - I love to hear other children are doing well as it's not a fucking competition. I like it when other people do well.

You sound brilliant. I would want to be your mate - I was the black sheep too but never apologise as I don't feel sorry. Your family sounds tedious and restrictive - limit them to whatever weddings, baptisms, birthdays, bar mitzvahs you have to attend without making it obvious you are thinking fuck off, then take no shit and roll your eyes (whilst drinking wine) about them later.

MadMadMadamMim · 06/04/2021 17:41

You're the family scapegoat. Me too. I was labelled difficult at a very early age by my parents and even though I'm now mid 50s, happily married with a very successful professional career they manage to make me feel shit every time I see them.

I see them as little as possible.

Original poster
AlwaysSorryz · 06/04/2021 17:45

@DustCentral

Be proud of your wild youth. It’s made you more interesting. That’s what they can’t stand. I had a wild youth. You’d never believe it you met me now but I refuse to regret it. Cringe at it sometimes Blush but never regret. Life’s too short to spend time apologising for things you didn’t do wrong in the first place.

Like a PP said, either pull them up on it every time or tell them to fuck off and choose to only spend time with people who like you for you.

See that’s just it, I don’t regret my past. I enjoyed myself and experimented in my late teens/early 20s. I never hurt anyone and when I dated, i never cheated or hurt anyones feelings intentionally. I graduated at 22 and after that my life’s been work, then dh, kids, mortgage etc. I’m so glad I got to experience some fun and things that were so outside my culture because it’s made me who I am today.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Lockdown has really made me put a lot of things in perspective. I think I had a lot of guilt over the way I had acted and my family have always made me feel like I should be so grateful that they ‘let me back in’. I was made to feel like the worst person ever and they have, in the past, called me a slut, a tramp, told me I shamed them etc. I suppose I feel like I hurt them and deserved the abuse that they dished out.

I feel like the fog is starting to clear and I’m realised that no matter what I do, when it comes down to it, they’ll never 100% forgive me.

OP posts:
CorianderBee · 06/04/2021 17:48

Tell them you won't apologise for not being a boring cunt and then hang up.

SandyY2K · 06/04/2021 17:57

they’ll never 100% forgive me.

What's there to forgive?

I suggest you go very low contact with them and send the odd text once every few months of "Hi, hope you and the family are well"

Hopefully, they won't turn that innocent message into anything sinister.

They all sound like hard work.

gamerchick · 06/04/2021 17:59

It's not about forgiveness, it's a nasty habit where you're the whipping boy. You're not from this day anyone's punchbag. Tell them to fuck off and don't look back. You'll feel better for it.

DoingItMyself · 06/04/2021 18:05

You can't change the past and it's important to let it go. If they won't see you as you are, you either cut them out of your life or retrain them. Putting down the phone when they start to speak negatively of you - 'Got to go, bye mum' - very effective, they'll learn. Have some stock phrases - 'You think that but I know I've done really well', 'I don't accept your assessment of my past life, but that's ok, I don't need validation from you.'
You are a great person, married, graduate, mum of four, love yourself. Really love yourself. You deserve love and respect.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/04/2021 18:05

It's ok to admit that your family is sick and unhinged. Yours is. The best thing you will ever do for yourself is to leave them in the twisted past they have created.

Conkergame · 06/04/2021 18:12

OP they sound horrible. Get some distance from them and put the phone down every time they insult you.

Original poster
AlwaysSorryz · 06/04/2021 18:16

@Aquamarine1029

It's ok to admit that your family is sick and unhinged. Yours is. The best thing you will ever do for yourself is to leave them in the twisted past they have created.
You’re right. I think I’ll be a lot happier if I go very lc with them. I’ve realised that I always come off the phone to them feeling shit about myself. I just don’t need this in my life anymore
OP posts:
Throckmorton · 06/04/2021 18:17

Unless I'm missing something, it sounds like you had a perfectly normal youth - you don't sound at all wild. Were they expecting you to never drink and stay in all the time? That would be pretty unusual!

Original poster
AlwaysSorryz · 06/04/2021 18:30

@Throckmorton

Unless I'm missing something, it sounds like you had a perfectly normal youth - you don't sound at all wild. Were they expecting you to never drink and stay in all the time? That would be pretty unusual!
I think they were. It’s not really the done thing in my culture. We’re supposed to go to school, go to uni, get married and be good little stepford wives. Give no one a reason to talk about you.
OP posts:
pickingdaisies · 06/04/2021 19:25

That's really not all that wild. The things they call you are disgusting, and it sounds like you've internalised it to some extent. You've upset them now by having a brain and a voice. Use them, don't apologise for them. And for god's sake don't sit on the phone letting someone rip shreds off you for an hour, for doing absolutely nothing wrong!
I bet they're well pissed off that you aren't living in a skip somewhere off your face on drugs.

stoopider · 06/04/2021 19:35

You’ve put up with this long enough. You’re a solid citizen. Job, mortgage, long marriage, four kids...what’s their problem? I’d say it’s more like jealousy. They are the problem not you. It’s time to state your boundaries. You will not be apologising again ever. You are done. If they have a problem with you, they can write it in a letter and burn it. You’re not interested. When they call to rant you say “I don’t agree with your understanding of the situation. I disagree as that didn’t happen and I will not apologise. Call me when you can speak like an adult”
From now on you will only speak like an adult and be spoken to like an adult. Anything else gets a hang up.

Robin233 · 06/04/2021 20:15

Yup Family scapegoat.
My daughters Uni year was 10 times 'more exciting' than yours.

She's fine and got a excellent degree.
Love her ti bits.
I find people who are forever finding fault are quite miserable.
How do YOU feel about yourself?
Because untimely it's your opinion of yourself that matters most.
Put some boundaries in place.
It's your life.
Make it the best it can be and the drop the dead weight - negative input from family.

Swipe left for the next trending thread