Feel like I’m always apologising

[AlwaysSorryz]

Bit of backstory. I had a fairly wild childhood, according to my parents. Come from a traditional, conservative, family and I was always the odd one out. I liked hanging out with friends, liked dating, partying. Smoked a little weed here and there and also drank. Usual teenage stuff. I still managed to graduate uni and got my first job straight out of uni. I’ve now been married 12 years and have 4 dc. We’re doing ok. Not well off by any means but comfortable. I have my life together.

So I’ve always felt like my past wild way, that my parents and siblings did not approve of, is always thrown back in my face. Like no matter how much I’ve changed, and turned my life around, it’s never good enough. My family never let me forget it. They feel the need to constantly tell me all the things I’m doing wrong and I seem to be constantly apologising. I’ve gone along with it for years but I’ve realised, I’m actually just apologising for being me.

I’m too loud, I’m too opinionated, I’m never going to change, I’m bitter, I’m too crass, I’m too fat, I’m too overbearing, I’m a control freak, I let the dc get away with everything. I feel like I can’t do anything right. I actually think they just don’t like anything about me. I shouldn’t have to constantly apologise for being myself.

AIBU to just tell them all to fuck off?

I don’t even know what I want from this thread, just to vent really. Yesterday I had db call and rant at me for a full hour because I offended his dw. Apparently, when she called me last week, I talked to her about a book my dc is reading and apparently this was ‘showing off’. I’ve upset her and I should apologise when I don’t even know what I’ve done wrong.

@Robin233

Yup Family scapegoat. My daughters Uni year was 10 times 'more exciting' than yours. She's fine and got a excellent degree. Love her ti bits. I find people who are forever finding fault are quite miserable. How do YOU feel about yourself? Because untimely it's your opinion of yourself that matters most. Put some boundaries in place. It's your life. Make it the best it can be and the drop the dead weight - negative input from family.

You know what, since lockdown I’ve really started seeing myself in a different light. I spent so long believing what they were saying and it really dented my confidence and self esteem. I did feel indebted to them for years because they ‘let me back in’ when I had decided to leave home. That’s something that very rarely happens in my culture. Once you go, you go for good. I came ‘crawling’ back, as they put it, and I guess I felt like I owed them. This lockdown has been really good for my self esteem and I’ve realised it’s because I haven’t physically seen them. I’ve been so relaxed, happier, not stressed and generally feel lighter. I’ve also realised I’m stronger than I think and I don’t actually need them.

Dh always encouraged me to go nc with them, without actually forcing me to. He doesn’t agree with their behaviour at all and has had many confrontations with them. They obviously hate him and that is also thrown in my face a fair bit

Well done op.
Sounds like you've out grown them.
They should be proud of you not try to pull you back down.
Your dh sounds great.
He's a keeper.

Your family fundamentally don’t like you, what’s the point in trying to maintain a relationship? You’re a problem to them and always will be

Sounds like you've emerged blinking into the sunlight OP, very best of luck to you and your lovely DP.

Thank you everyone I feel a lot better today and feel like it’s the start of a new life for me. Onward and upwards

I’ve realised it’s because I haven’t physically seen them. I’ve been so relaxed, happier, not stressed and generally feel lighter. I’ve also realised I’m stronger than I think and I don’t actually need them

Heh exactly the same for me. In fact I'm extending the time as much as possible. Who needs that shit in their life.

Onwards OP.

Bloody hell, they sound like a chore. What positive things do you get from these relationships because it just all sounds like they're negative and abusive? Tbry obviously don't like the fact that you're your own person and didn't toe the line. I'd thank my lucky stars you're not. Nothing that youve done sounds that wild.

I enjoyed myself and experimented in my late teens/early 20s. I never hurt anyone and when I dated, i never cheated or hurt anyones feelings intentionally. I graduated at 22 and after that my life’s been work, then dh, kids, mortgage etc

Blimey, your family must be uptight! That's nothing. Really, nothing.

The problem is that family dynamics are very hard to change. You've been seen as the "problem" by them all since you were younger, and they can't get out of that. But if you stand your ground, and call them out - or at least be aware yourself of what's happening - you can make them change.

You are a self-sufficient adult now, with your own family, and you can stand up for yourself! They won't like it at first, but gradually they will have to respect you.

The thing is, if I'm reading correctly, you've played down your adolescence as being just ordinary adolescence. Hand on heart, were you actually being a bit rebellious or did you give your family hell?
We only have your word on it.
Did your rebelliousness last a year or two or was it for a much longer period of time.
Can you honestly say that your actions did not impede on your relationship with your family? Did you , maybe, go one step too far.?

Maybe try to have a heart to heart with your parents.
If you can't face this then it might be that you know that you distressed them too much.

You've said that your family are constantly telling you what you're doing wrong.
Eg being too crass, bringing up your children wrongly...

This is a thread that cannot be addressed simply. Why is your whole family still going on at you?

I have family like this, and over the years I’ve come to realise that they won’t let it go because it’s almost more annoying to them that I was a ‘rebellious’ teenager and still managed to end up with a similar quality of life to them - succeeded in education, career, and family regardless of partying etc pre-uni. Shocker.

It got me down for so long but I began noticing the things they picked at - it was always things I was happy about and never actual failures.
Eg they’d have to say my job sounded boring (because they couldn’t say it was a shit job) or that my dc were ‘late’ developing (they weren’t, just not especially early).

I even think the idea you’re ‘showing off’ because your child is reading a book is an example of that. My only advice is to ignore, keep telling yourself you’re happy and don’t need their validation, and in the appropriate circumstances call on some of the quips PPs have suggested