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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to feel about wedding

43 replies

theseed · 06/04/2021 15:33

I'm (hopefully) getting married this summer but have held off telling my family until the last week or so and it's now looking likely that they won't be attending the wedding.

To cut a long story short, I've been with my partner 8 years but my family don't approve because he doesn't have a high-flying job (think nurse) and wouldn't be able to support me (although I have my own career and a much better paid job). As a result they've only met him a handful of times and when we told them we were engaged the response we got was "I'm just disappointed for you".

My AIBU is whether I was unreasonable to expect my family to put those differences aside for one day, or if I should be looking to make more compromises on the wedding to try and make them comfortable with attending? I'm sad that they cannot see the bigger picture of how happy I am in this relationship and I've always wanted their approval but another side of me just wants to say "screw them, if they don't want to come, their loss! I'll have a lovely day in the sunshine with friends and loved ones around who are happy for me and I won't have to worry about making sure they're OK and not sat around all sour-faced".

OP posts:
KoalaOok · 06/04/2021 15:35

What compromises were you thinking? It sounds like unless you change the groom they won't be happy so I'd just go ahead and do what you want anyway.

QforCucumber · 06/04/2021 15:36

I'd not have them there tbh. You'll be hunting for their approval all day instead of enjoying it for what it is, a celebration of your commitment to each other.

what compromises could you make to the day to make them attend? You shouldn't make any.

RandomMess · 06/04/2021 15:36

If they won't put their differences aside and sit there sour faced why would you want them attending?

Which will be the biggest regret? Will it be a big fall out if you don't invite them?

Aquamarine1029 · 06/04/2021 15:41

My AIBU is whether I was unreasonable to expect my family to put those differences aside for one day

Yes, you are being unreasonable because you already know your family are a bunch of arseholes who will never change.

...or if I should be looking to make more compromises on the wedding to try and make them comfortable with attending?

This is your most unreasonable thought by far. Why would you even want these people at your wedding? Nothing you do will ever be good enough anyway, and you should be supporting your partner here. The way he has been maligned is outrageous and can't be tolerated.

Original poster
theseed · 06/04/2021 15:42

@KoalaOok and @QforCucumber

The compromise that I'd think of would be to move the guest list around so that there were more family members in attendance, including ones that I've rarely met so that it could be used as a day to socialise and catch up with more family. As-is, we're restricted by numbers due to lockdown restrictions so we have fewer family members invited than would have been in any other year.

@RandomMess I don't think there would necessarily be a fall out - knowing them they'd just ignore it and never bring up in conversation the fact that I'm married.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 06/04/2021 15:44

Don't compromise. It'll just make you feel bad and it won't work.

DowntonCrabby · 06/04/2021 15:46

They don’t deserve to be there OP Flowers

Have you got people in your life who support you as a couple? Close friends? I’d have them those family members in a heartbeat.

Original poster
theseed · 06/04/2021 15:48

Thank you @Aquamarine1029 - that's a helpful external view, I find wanting family approval can make me a bit willing to compromise personal boundaries than I would otherwise think reasonably and I absolutely agree that the behaviour towards my other half is unacceptable and they have been told that in no uncertain terms previously.

A very fair point @MrsTerryPratchett !

OP posts:
Original poster
theseed · 06/04/2021 15:51

Thank you @DowntonCrabby - we certainly do have close friends and family (on his side) who fully support us and we have filled the guest list with these people, it's just parents and grandparents on my side that I would have liked to have there but it's not looking possible.

And I really appreciate all the views expressed to help normalise that idea in my head, as I hadn't been to a wedding previously where family weren't there.

OP posts:
ItsAllAboutTheParsley · 06/04/2021 16:00

You have to prioritise your soon to be husband over your family here. Why would you compromise your wedding guest list to prioritise your family’s issues over your choice? How would he feel about even more disapproving people there?
He’s your future, OP. You need to think more about his feelings and much less about your bloody family’s.

katy1213 · 06/04/2021 16:04

Invite people who'll be happy for you. You don't need a male owner to give you away - walk down the aisle together/alone as you prefer.

Seainasive · 06/04/2021 16:06

There is no law that says you must have your family at your wedding. Surround yourself with people who love you and who respect your choice of life partner instead and have a wonderful day!

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 06/04/2021 16:11

Is there a bit of a history with your family ? Do you have any doubts about your fiancé? Or is it all snobbery from your family? I’m asking because usually when family have doubts (unless there is a history) there is a good reason because they know you do well.

However my mum is abusive and I have a terrible family which stopped me from getting married for ages as I was worried about drama on the day.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/04/2021 16:12

When you say "wouldn't be able to support me" - what do you/they mean?

Original poster
theseed · 06/04/2021 16:26

@Bigpaintinglittlepainting - no history with my family re relationships and absolutely no doubts about my fiance. It's definitely just snobbery from my family's side, in their phrasing they want me to be with someone "who is [my] financial equal or better". There's definitely underlying issues with my relationship with my family and nothing being good enough to begin with.

@WhereYouLeftIt ^^ that might answer your question. Ultimately what they mean is that my salary is required for the mortgage etc and that we would be in trouble if we lost my salary (after we'd used up our savings etc), but my family's view is that the man's salary should be enough to live off without any other input.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 06/04/2021 16:30

YABU to seek validation or approval from other people.

In the absence of genuine concerns (abuse etc) then it’s just nastiness. Your family is just an accident of birth. It’s the behaviour that should dictate the relationship.

BackforGood · 06/04/2021 16:44

I don't think I'd be inviting anyone to my wedding, whose response to me telling them I'd got engaged, was and when we told them we were engaged the response we got was "I'm just disappointed for you".

Shock

What is the matter with these people ? Hmm

YANBU to expect them to congratulate you and wish you well. It doesn't sound like you've rushed into this, or that there is any possible sensible reason for them to be worried about you, so it is THEM with the issue and you shouldn't be bending over backwards to accommodate them, no.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 06/04/2021 16:44

I always hesitate in these situations because I worry the stated cause (his career) is not the actual problem for your family. If it is, then of course they’re unreasonable and horrible.

But how many family members is this? And is this definitely the issue?

Conkergame · 06/04/2021 16:47

OP I’m really sorry for you, what a nasty attitude they have. If he’s good for you and makes you happy then that’s what matters. It might be different if you were rich and he was a Cock-lodger but sounds like he’s a nice normal bloke who happens to earn less than you! Poor guy.

Really hope they come round eventually, but this doesn’t sound like healthy family dynamics at all

CentBoppers · 06/04/2021 16:49

So you have limited numbers and you want to exclude people that you both love and that will be happy for both of you in order to accomodate your horrible immediate family, plus a load of relatives that you barely know and pay for them to ruin your day?

That's madness.

Invite the people you want to be there and have a lovely wedding day.

KoalaOok · 06/04/2021 16:52

I wouldn't make the compromises you suggest. Your wedding day is the one day that should be about you as a couple. Anyone who isn't interested in celebrating that shouldn't come and can organise their own event if they want a family get together.

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 06/04/2021 16:59

I think in that case I would be just getting married whenever and however you like and tell them after if they ask, just say oh yeah we got married. It was just us

Don’t extend them any courtesy, they aren’t thinking of your feelings at all so I wouldn’t worry about theirs.

In fact this period of time is a fantastic opportunity for anyone who wants to just get married without any fuss because “Covid” !!

I would just say oh we just wanted to be married without any fuss

RandomMess · 06/04/2021 17:00

I'd be tempted to not
Invite them at all but presumably you would like your grandparents?

SnackSizeRaisin · 06/04/2021 17:10

They sound bonkers. Nurses are quite well paid. Close to the median for the UK. Plus how old fashioned to think the man ought to support the woman. Plus how snobbish to actually say that he's not good enough!
I think you should give them a kick up the arse and tell them to change their attitude or they won't be having contact with you or any future grandchildren.

thepeopleversuswork · 06/04/2021 17:19

Based on what you've said and assuming that there is no back-story with your partner, they sound hideously snobbish and outdated. Who in this day and age wants their daughter to be a kept woman and actively encourages her to be economically unproductive!

I know it must be painful for you but I think others are right that there is no compromise. Do you really want people in your future children's lives who think your husband's only value is in his salary?