To not know what to feel about wedding

[theseed]

I'm (hopefully) getting married this summer but have held off telling my family until the last week or so and it's now looking likely that they won't be attending the wedding.

To cut a long story short, I've been with my partner 8 years but my family don't approve because he doesn't have a high-flying job (think nurse) and wouldn't be able to support me (although I have my own career and a much better paid job). As a result they've only met him a handful of times and when we told them we were engaged the response we got was "I'm just disappointed for you".

My AIBU is whether I was unreasonable to expect my family to put those differences aside for one day, or if I should be looking to make more compromises on the wedding to try and make them comfortable with attending? I'm sad that they cannot see the bigger picture of how happy I am in this relationship and I've always wanted their approval but another side of me just wants to say "screw them, if they don't want to come, their loss! I'll have a lovely day in the sunshine with friends and loved ones around who are happy for me and I won't have to worry about making sure they're OK and not sat around all sour-faced".

They sound awful. I’ve decided for my wedding I’m only inviting people who wish me well and won’t cause drama. Quite a short guest list now but you don’t want it ruined by selfish people. My friend says she regrets inviting certain family members that always cause trouble- they ruined her wedding and stressed her out.

And I bet they were out there clapping for the NHS to keep up with their neighbours!

Seriously don't even invite them. I am disappointed for you too OP. Disappointed that your family are like they are. Your poor fiance (or fiancee)

This sounds like the film «Meet the Parents» where Robert De Niro didn’t accept his daughter’s fiancé because he was a nurse and not a doctor ...

Plan the wedding you want, enjoy your day with your friends and in-laws and don’t change your plans in any way for your family ... if they feel your fiancé isn’t good enough, nothing will change that at this stage. If they don’t want to attend, so be it - it’s very hurtful of them and makes them look bad, not you.

What if you spoke to each of your family members individually, without saying you have a date for the wedding, and ask them how they would feel if you got married to your DP? If they are negative, leave them off the guest list. If not, and you actually want them there, fine - invite them.

However, as someone who has come through family issues where being a good person and considering other people had no good effect whatsoever, and just left me feeling compromised and taken for granted, I would just have a quiet wedding with a few friends who you know are happy for you and on your side. That is the key to you having a happy day - people who are on your side in life, not the grudging ones or ambivalent ones, even if they are family. You won't change anyone, and will just be disappointed if you pin your expectations on them. And anyone who is ambivalent about your DP does not deserve to be at HIS wedding. Put yourselves first for this.
Have a lovely day when it happens.

Gosh, I'm sorry your family are such twits. I married a man who earns less than me (I'm not a big earner) and my parents (who both had professional careers) didn't have a negative thing to say. They were happy for me. That's what it should be like. If you think you'll be worrying about them on the day then don't invite them. It's yours and your dh's day, not theirs!

Thank you all so much for your comments and input! It's been really helpful to read and uplifting to receive so much support.

I hope you have a gorgeous day that makes you happy

I didn't have my disapproving family at my wedding. They get on ok now, years later, but I did not regret for one moment them not being there.

It's your special day. Only have people there who know that it's special for you and want to celebrate.

Have a wonderful day both of you!

Read a few threads where the DH/DW doesn’t stand up to their family’s horrible behaviour to the partner and see how it drives them apart and people make comments like “you’ve got a DH problem, not an in-laws problem”.
On the basis that everything is as you say, then I think you should start the way you mean to go on and put your future DH first. Don’t welcome people who don’t value both of you to your wedding - you need to have his back here. Invite those you have space for (parents and grandparents) if you wish and accept their decision to attend or not. It will tell you everything you need to know about how they feel. If they don’t come that may come to regret that decision but you extended your hand and will have nothing to say sorry for.

YANBU and should ideally proceed without inviting your immediate family if you want the day to be a happy one. Congratulations to you both. You have been together longer than many marriages anyway.

Nope. You'll end up spending a fortune pleasing everyone else and they'll all be ungrateful anyway. You'll end up regretting it. Plus the day is meant to be about you, not them. So do what you want. If that's how they are then I wouldn't want them there.

Have the people there who make you happiest. Harry and Meghan didn't have to compromise on numbers but she still only had one family member, don't feel you have to invite people who are not happy for you.

Have the people there who make you happiest. Harry and Meghan didn't have to compromise on numbers but she still only had one family member, don't feel you have to invite people who are not happy for you.

[quote theseed]@Bigpaintinglittlepainting - no history with my family re relationships and absolutely no doubts about my fiance. It's definitely just snobbery from my family's side, in their phrasing they want me to be with someone "who is [my] financial equal or better". There's definitely underlying issues with my relationship with my family and nothing being good enough to begin with.

@WhereYouLeftIt ^^ that might answer your question. Ultimately what they mean is that my salary is required for the mortgage etc and that we would be in trouble if we lost my salary (after we'd used up our savings etc), but my family's view is that the man's salary should be enough to live off without any other input.[/quote]
So their attitude is that once married, you should not be working, having a career at all? Once married you are to be financially dependant and vulnerable?

Lord above. They really are arses.

Don't compromise on your wedding. Have it how you want it, their presence would only put a damper on things.

Your family's attitude is sexist and ridiculous. Surely they are aware that for many couples the women is the primary earner and your situation is perfectly normal - and indeed a credit to your achievement in your career? I would struggle to have people with that level of disrespect towards my DH at my wedding.

Why would you want people there that don’t think the marriage is something to celebrate?! They expressed pity at your engagement. Enjoy your wedding with people that are actually happy for you.

Did they go outside to clap for the NHS last year? I feel really ashamed of them for feeling the way they do about a nurse.

I think you need to show your family the countless threads of men creating “ kept women” on here and then treating them abysmally or suddenly dumping them for some one new. What matters is whether you love each other, the fact that he’s presumably not a layabout and is contributing financially and either in a fulfilling career for him or wanting to attain that, and how hopefully he pulls his fair share of house work and mental load. My husband has only just caught up with me on earning power and that because I’ve dropped a day so if I was 5 days I’d still earn more. I don’t care that I pay more into the household overall because it’s a loving household and to be honest if anyone’s not pulling their weight it’s probably me.