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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to celebrate my birthday?

32 replies

PurplePeopleEater76 · 06/04/2021 10:09

It's my birthday next week. It's not a milestone one, but because of several things that had happened during the last two years, my parents had paid for us to go and stay with them, abroad, for the week. Obviously, that's not easy right now, and I also started a new job so I am working on the day, but have a few days off next week.
My husband asked me what I wanted, he usually then gives me the money to get it myself.
I really don't want any "stuff" but I said I would like a day out with him and the kids, and maybe lunch somewhere.
He told me to book somewhere then said "Actually, don't. Because we're not going away, I promised my mum I would help her clear her garage out. It's non-negotiable, so your thing will have to wait and see if there's time before the kids go back to school. If not it will have to be a weekend."
His mum has been asking him to clear the garage for three years.

When I said my birthday was non-negotiable, he said "What are you, six?" and stormed off to work.

Apparently., we are "discussing" it when he gets home, by which time I may have calmed down.

So my question is, who's BU? If it's me, I will let it go, if not, I won't because I am sick of him putting off things like his mum's garage, then expecting everyone to drop everything when he runs out of time. (it's a recurring theme).

Please don't reply to tell me you don't celebrate your birthday like I got last time I asked a question. I am referring to my specific situation, who is being unreasonable, me or him?

Thanks

OP posts:
MarriedToMyBestFriend19 · 06/04/2021 10:16

I feel like he is planning something and throwing you off the scent?!

ZeroFuchsGiven · 06/04/2021 10:17

YABU, He hasn't said you can't celebrate your birthday he just can't do the day you want due to other commitments.

You sound like a child tbh.

BluebellsGreenbells · 06/04/2021 10:19

I’d go without him to be honest.

Have a nice day paid for by him and treat the kids to lunch.

He’s then the only one missing out because he’s disorganized.

PurplePeopleEater76 · 06/04/2021 10:22

That would be an absolute first. If he buys me something I haven’t had to order myself, he doesn’t even wrap it!

OP posts:
PurplePeopleEater76 · 06/04/2021 10:22

“At some point, if we get around to it.”

OP posts:
AlrightTreacle · 06/04/2021 10:22

I am sick of him putting off things like his mum's garage, then expecting everyone to drop everything when he runs out of time. (it's a recurring theme).

This is such an annoying trait. YANBU. If he's already been putting it off for 3 years, why does he need to do it right now?

ShirleyPhallus · 06/04/2021 10:25

You’re working on your actual birthday so I think it’s a bit petty to have picked another day that you want to celebrate and not be open to discussing what else might be in the calendar and what day you could celebrate it. A weekend day (ie a few days later) would also be fine surely?

However he sounds a bit of a douche, but I presume his mum has been asking / nagging him for these 3 years and he’s finally committed to it, so him postponing her once again to say he’s having a day out on not-your-birthday isn’t really fair on her

Lollypop701 · 06/04/2021 10:26

I’d do something too...go out, meet a friend for lunch if possible. Either way I’d plan something. Then Order a really nice take away for home later on.

roarfeckingroarr · 06/04/2021 10:26

YANBU.

He sounds mean and like he doesn't make you feel loved. Is this usual behaviour? I would be very hurt if DH was so dismissive of my feelings, if he didn't make an effort for my birthday and if he spoke to me like that.

TheJerkStore · 06/04/2021 10:26

So, not only are you expected to organise your own birthday you now have to wait until he's free in order to celebrate it too?

I'd have been pretty mad too tbh.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 06/04/2021 10:31

I expect to celebrate my birthday and if I want to do something, like have a meal, I expect DH to book the restaurant. He will usually ask what I want and I will probably order it myself but that’s because I’m quite particular. He’ll wrap the present though.

Given you seem to have already had a thread on his lack of attention for an occasion, it would suggest he doesn’t give a shit and isn’t going to change.

Saying “what am I 6?” and that you’ll discuss it when you’ve calmed down, would probably have me bagging his stuff up and telling him he can live in his mum’s garage. Especially as it’s non-negotiable that he gets it done then.

AdaThorne · 06/04/2021 10:32

Celebrate your birthday with the DC on the day you want to celebrate it (presumably, yannow, the ACTUAL day). If he wants to go sort out his mum's garage he can jog on.

YANBU and he sounds rubbish and unkind.

Returnoftheowl · 06/04/2021 10:33

A job he's been putting off for 3 years is now suddenly such a priority that it has to be done on that exact day?!
He's showing you exactly where he sees you in the pecking order, completely at the bottom.
Book to do something nice with the kids and leave him to sort him mum's garage or for the day. In the long term I'd also be considering the future in being with someone who clearly doesn't give a shit about me or my feelings.

ForTheLoveOfWine · 06/04/2021 10:36

I think because it’s not your actual birthday yabu

BUT he sounds like and arse and if you both have a few days off why can you do something on another day?
I agree with others he sounds a fun sponge anyway so I’d be planning a day without him and have a lovely time doing what I wanted to do. Kids can help do the garage

PurplePeopleEater76 · 06/04/2021 10:39

I haven’t picked a day. I have said “I’m off for a few days, can we do this?”
He’s allowing 3 days for the garage and I get to spend some time with him if he gets it done in time.
Obviously me and the kids can’t go to Granny’s for the 3 days as we’re not allowed in the house.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 06/04/2021 10:39

It’s pretty clear where you are on his priority list. Giving you money and telling you to buy it yourself is not really giving you a present, requires no thought or effort, rubbish. This specific situation is also rubbish, he sounds really thoughtless

PurplePeopleEater76 · 06/04/2021 10:40

To be fair, the only reason I planned anything is that we LITERALLY never do anything on my birthday. He’s usually working.
His family don’t really do birthdays, but I do.

OP posts:
ForTheLoveOfWine · 06/04/2021 10:42

Is he going to make the day better by being there because you haven’t painted him as a very nice dh

Why can’t you do something without him Confused

PurplePeopleEater76 · 06/04/2021 10:43

@ForTheLoveOfWine

Is he going to make the day better by being there because you haven’t painted him as a very nice dh

Why can’t you do something without him Confused

Because, to be honest, we do pretty much everything without him. If he’s not at work, he is too tired or can’t be bothered.

I didn’t think that, in lieu of having to buy me an actual present, one day of his company was a lot to ask.

OP posts:
RaginSpice · 06/04/2021 10:47

He’s absolutely being unreasonable. Adults need to take joy in small things (like birthdays!) so they should be treated differently to the other 364 days of same old

ForTheLoveOfWine · 06/04/2021 10:48

No I agree he sounds miserable and thoughtless.

From what you’ve said I would assume if he came he would just moan and grumble and ruin your day anyway and I wouldn’t let want to let someone like that ruin my birthday.

Aprilx · 06/04/2021 10:49

If I had wanted to do something on my birthday and DH said he was too busy then I would not be very impressed. I would not be particularly bothered if it were not on the actual day though as every other day in the year is much the same to me, i.e. a day out the week before my birthday is just a day out, I would not see it as anything to do with my birthday. However your latest update does sound like he is determined to ensure that absolutely nothing is done at all, does he do this every year, or just this year for some reason?

PurplePeopleEater76 · 06/04/2021 10:53

@Aprilx

If I had wanted to do something on my birthday and DH said he was too busy then I would not be very impressed. I would not be particularly bothered if it were not on the actual day though as every other day in the year is much the same to me, i.e. a day out the week before my birthday is just a day out, I would not see it as anything to do with my birthday. However your latest update does sound like he is determined to ensure that absolutely nothing is done at all, does he do this every year, or just this year for some reason?
Before my parents moved, it was them who did things for my birthday. Most years my oh is working, I’m not so I might go out with a friend or whatever. This year, he’s off all week, I’m not. But as far as he’s concerned, because I have to work (new job, induction course, can’t get out of it), then he doesn’t need to do anything for my birthday as I’m not here.

Everyone I know seems to get some kind of birthday celebration, I stand to get none.

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 06/04/2021 10:59

3 days to clear up a garage?

To be fair, if he is off and you don't normally do something to celebrate your birthday,it's fair he would assume you wouldn't this time, especially as it's not a milestone one, but surely if he was going to be away for 3 days when he is off, he should have discussed this with you, birthday or not.

KarmaStar · 06/04/2021 11:04

Yanbu at all and not a child!!!
I hope he has planned something and this is all a screen.
If not,and he does the garage,plan something that you'd like to do for yourself and do it.he doesn't have to clear the garage on your birthday!leave the dc with him and his mum and great yourself to a special day.
I hope it's a good one.
Come back and let us know.🌸