AIBU to hate my DS dad

[starbucks1000]

Ugh. I'm finding it do hard to get over this feeling of utter hatred for my DS dad and I don't like the person he is turning me into!

DS is 8, we have been split for 6 years. DS goes to his dad 3 weekends out of 4. His dad pays just less than £100 a month CMA - and this is a part of the problem. This money barely scratches the surface of the costs involved in our son. I have asked his dad if he could contribute a bit more for clothes and trainers, a tutor, but he refuses saying he pays child maintenance and all that stuff should be covered within that.

I feel like it's down to me to work even harder to afford all these extra costs so I take on a lot of freelance jobs to make extra money. His dad likes to dig at me that DS says I work all the time - well I have to as the father is doing the pure minimum!

I'm sick of feeling like his dad isn't pulling his weight. To everyone one else he is the perfect dad as he sees his son often but he refuses to do homework, won't contribute for a tutor (apparently I should be tutoring him).

Everything is a dig - we had a fallout the other day because he has started to bribe/blackmail our son with £2 every time he calls him (once a day). I asked why he couldn't use that money to contribute to our sons clothes and that's when he comes out with, I'm a crap mum, I didn't want our son in the first place (lie), I spend all my money on cosmetic treatments (he said he remembers what I looked like 'before' - again a lie, my best friend did free treatments on me a year ago), that DS cries when it's hometime and he has to come back to me, that I'm a shit mum because I grew up without a proper family.

I hate his dad so much. I don't know how to move on from this and not let the hatred consume me. It's worse because he's so good at giving the impression he is this great father when reality, he does the pure minimum and because there are a lot of even shitter dads out there, he thinks he is great in comparison to them.

This isn't so much an AIBU, more a, how can I let this go and stop feeling resentment for him? I really don't want to be that person but he draws out the worst in me! I daydream about him losing his job, his new partner kicking him out, all sorts

Is that the amount of CM he is supposed to be paying?

You need to be talking to him less. It doesn't sound like he's going to change and become a better person. He's not going to see the error of his ways. He's a wanker.

Go through the proper processes to get the CM reassessed if you think it's wrong. Can he have your ds on some of the school days as well?

Yes make sure he is paying the correct amount and then completely disengage. Don't talk to him about that isn't completely necessary for your son. Sounds like he really enjoys upsetting you and making you feel shit so make sure you don't give him what he wants. Just put up a wall.

Can I ask why your DS goes to his dads 3 weekends out of 4? It seems a lot.
The more overnight stays, the less CM he has to pay - is this his motivation?

@PoptartPoptart

Can I ask why your DS goes to his dads 3 weekends out of 4? It seems a lot. The more overnight stays, the less CM he has to pay - is this his motivation?

That’s 6 nights a month (assuming Friday and Saturday nights). Hardly a lot! £100 maintenance a month for a child is an absolute joke.

A lot! I don't think it's anywhere near enough! Two nights out of seven so probably eight nights a month.

I feel for you.I have just separated from an idiot like this. He has a good job but told me he would rather get a part time job in a supermarket than pay me CM for our child. I am having to go to court to force the sale of the house. You have to accept he is an idiot, will never change and will likely get a kick out of knowing he upsets you.

You need to have very minimal contact with him- email or text only about your son. Definitely check the CM amount he is paying is the full amount.

Keep a log of any unpleasant, insulting things he says to you. Two or more incidents and you can report him to the police for harassment and he can be given a warning.

Re your son, just inform him in writing you are recording all the comments he makes and times your son is emotionally affected by his words and behaviours and if it continues you will inform Social Services and take legal advice re the welfare of your son.

The only way to deal with a bully is to take back some control and stand up to them. Minimal contact and be grateful you don't have to live with him. If he cannot be civil through written contact speak to a solicitor and keep records of all communication.

6 nights a month isn’t a lot, no.
But why 3 weekends out of 4? Why not every other weekend so op has the chance to have a few days off with her DS too?
It seems op is doing the hard work of maintaining a routine, school stuff, etc during the week, and then his dad gets the fun bits at the weekends.
Is he able to have DS overnight in the week and every other weekend op, so you can enjoy some quality time with your DS aswell?
I know this won’t address your cm situation but it just seems massively unfair that he gets most of the good bits.

It sounds like you need to go back to mediation.

Stop talking to him about anything other than strictly necessary. Don't ask for money, set a specific phone schedule and leave it at that. The more you contact him the more he enjoys the game and control so show him he has none. I stopped all contact about everything years ago, did my life the world of good and now I just get on with things knowing he has no control

I deffo need to stop allowing him to wind me up.

Re the contact - he has been consistent with it since the beginning and DS loves spending time with him. I also do a lot of work on the weekends - I have a full time 9-5pm and do client work and attempt to have chill time on the weekend. I don't think his dad has him too much and as it's been lockdown, there isn't much for me to do with DS on weekends anyway.

I don't know if his dad is a narcissist or broke but he's not doing right by our DS!

@PoptartPoptart

Can I ask why your DS goes to his dads 3 weekends out of 4? It seems a lot. The more overnight stays, the less CM he has to pay - is this his motivation?

A lot

There's an average of 30 days a month and that's 6 nights and 9 days approx.

So less than 1/3 and he pays £100 CM.

From experience you need to let go of the anger. When I did this and decided not to expect anything because I wouldn't get it life for me became more easy - because anything that materialised was a lovely bonus!

Ds now 16 worked out for himself around 9/10yo what his dad was really like.

Yanbu. My xh behaves so atrociously. I feel very disappointed dd maintains a relationship with him and his parents and had hoped by now (teenage) she would have chosen not to.

Ah, OP, I really feel for you. I am in a similar position, DC spend only a couple of hours with their dad every other week (if even that), and he proudly pays £1 in maintenance a month for two. Not kidding, he has a standing order of £1 and every payment comes with a very eloquent note about how he is honoured to keep this token of appreciation going and does not want to be perceived as disengaged from the reality of bringing up the children, chipping in with what he can, and hopes to revise upwards "soon".

I am also a bad mum for working, and am constantly told that I am failing them.

What helps me - and I know it is not wholesome at all - I have a friend in a similar position (ex not contributing financially while fully able to, and being very condescending to her), and we have an agreement to vent to each other about our exs' recent antics. As in, we have a scheduled 15 minutes of agony every month. It helps to offload the burden, as it feels shared then. Many people simply won't understand the position you are in, if they haven't experienced it first-hand.

How much does he earn? £100 doesn’t sound enough.

He’s putting his own insecurities on to you - that’s what nasty people do. When he’s calling you a shit mum he’s saying it because he’s scared he’s a shit dad. If you’re the worse parent it means he isn’t.

Turn it back on him any time he says something like that: “don’t put your insecurities on me.”

I don’t have any practical advice on dealing with it though, I’m sorry. I’m still trying to figure out how to deal with my ex doing the same. It’s shit and hard and I’m clinging onto hope my children can see through the crap

Forin that £1 and note is he taking the piss, genuinely completely on a different planet or deliberately trying to get a rise?

Op I feel for you. Exh refused to pay any maintenance and fought for 50 50. I work an 80 hour week to enable any kind of financial stability.
I was angry and then like others I've let it go. He will always be a financially controlling, verbally abusive prick - but I don't have to put up with any of it.
Do not engage with any conversation with him, block him except for the nights ds is with him and be very, very proud of yourself that you are not in a toxic relationship with him which would damage your son, and you are a strong, independent woman.

Apply JADE principles at every communication - never justify, apologise, defend or explain.

Don't ask him for anything extra and don't engage with him, withdraw completely x

Why does he pay so little maintenance?

@forinborin I love the 15 min of vent time!! I thought about setting something up similar to vent but wondered if that's just giving his crap more headspace!

It has really helped seeing all of your stories and knowing I'm not the only one going through this. I think I find it very hard to just let it go because I have had to fight a lot while growing up to get the basics and with him, he just doesn't see that what I'm asking for isn't unreasonable.

I've been meaning to journal all this but haven't done so consistently but will try to after this!

@itsgettingwierd

Forin that £1 and note is he taking the piss, genuinely completely on a different planet or deliberately trying to get a rise?

A little bit of everything. He knows I cannot do anything about it legally - he has no income, and while not quite reaching the typical threshold of independently wealthy (where the courts would be interested), he still not planning to work for a couple of years or so - doing a hobby degree, travelling, writing a book. So it is a bit kindergarten level as in "la-la la-la-la, can't catch me" attitude.

I bring it up constantly in writing, just to keep records. I am either called materialistic and primitive in response, or he genuinely wonders why I need more money as I work already.

[quote starbucks1000]@forinborin I love the 15 min of vent time!! I thought about setting something up similar to vent but wondered if that's just giving his crap more headspace!

It has really helped seeing all of your stories and knowing I'm not the only one going through this. I think I find it very hard to just let it go because I have had to fight a lot while growing up to get the basics and with him, he just doesn't see that what I'm asking for isn't unreasonable.

I've been meaning to journal all this but haven't done so consistently but will try to after this! [/quote]
People are different, but try and see if it works for you. For me, it is cathartic in a way. You just need to find the right audience, ie someone who "gets" it, probably because they are in the same place - and then you reciprocate, of course. It is hard to explain the situation to someone and hear something like "well, just send him an invoice for childcare / uniform / activities, he must pay" or "stop the contact then".

I can relate - and I’m 17 years into this now with dd now nearly an adult and about to go to university.

Left her useless dad when she was 6 months old, he only ever saw her for 2 hours on a Friday, got paid cash in hand and refused to pay anywhere near the proper amount of maintenance he should have been paying. He then moved to America when she was about 5 and “retired” (never fucking worked much anyway!) and somehow managed to dupe some very successful business woman into marrying him and had more children with her. They live in a £3m house and have another £1m holiday home and go on 5 holidays to Mexico every year and about 2/3 holidays to Las Vegas.

He gives me - and always has given me - £200 a month.

I am happily remarried and thankfully dd does not want for anything due to dh and I but goodness me it annoys the shit out of me.

He comes over (non Covid times) once a year to spend two weeks with his parents here and dd goes to stay with them. She has been out there to see him / visit a few times. He’s told her he’s saving for the kids (his other kids, very young) to go to university but dd is starting university this year and he’s giving her absolutely sod all help. Nothing.

It’s very frustrating and really does make you very bitter but all you can do is just try and let it go. Now dd is nearly an adult she knows herself what a useless arse he is.

When I split from my DS father I cut all contact. I didn't want his money because I knew it would be a stick to beat me with. Communication was email or text only. I made sure I never saw him and that he never saw me. And I mean, never set eyes on me. If I asked him for anything he always refused so I stopped asking. If he did something that annoyed me I ignored it, because taking it up with him would only annoy me more. I never stood in the way of DS seeing his dad but in the end he sees very little of him - but it's up to them, it's their relationship.

@ineedaholidaynow that's what child maintenance worked out. It used to be more but he's had a new baby and moved in with a new partner who has three kids already so not sure if that has also brought it down.