AIBU to hate my DS dad

[starbucks1000]

Ugh. I'm finding it do hard to get over this feeling of utter hatred for my DS dad and I don't like the person he is turning me into!

DS is 8, we have been split for 6 years. DS goes to his dad 3 weekends out of 4. His dad pays just less than £100 a month CMA - and this is a part of the problem. This money barely scratches the surface of the costs involved in our son. I have asked his dad if he could contribute a bit more for clothes and trainers, a tutor, but he refuses saying he pays child maintenance and all that stuff should be covered within that.

I feel like it's down to me to work even harder to afford all these extra costs so I take on a lot of freelance jobs to make extra money. His dad likes to dig at me that DS says I work all the time - well I have to as the father is doing the pure minimum!

I'm sick of feeling like his dad isn't pulling his weight. To everyone one else he is the perfect dad as he sees his son often but he refuses to do homework, won't contribute for a tutor (apparently I should be tutoring him).

Everything is a dig - we had a fallout the other day because he has started to bribe/blackmail our son with £2 every time he calls him (once a day). I asked why he couldn't use that money to contribute to our sons clothes and that's when he comes out with, I'm a crap mum, I didn't want our son in the first place (lie), I spend all my money on cosmetic treatments (he said he remembers what I looked like 'before' - again a lie, my best friend did free treatments on me a year ago), that DS cries when it's hometime and he has to come back to me, that I'm a shit mum because I grew up without a proper family.

I hate his dad so much. I don't know how to move on from this and not let the hatred consume me. It's worse because he's so good at giving the impression he is this great father when reality, he does the pure minimum and because there are a lot of even shitter dads out there, he thinks he is great in comparison to them.

This isn't so much an AIBU, more a, how can I let this go and stop feeling resentment for him? I really don't want to be that person but he draws out the worst in me! I daydream about him losing his job, his new partner kicking him out, all sorts

@Trytrytryasimight I love that. Yes will try it. I know I'm a great mum, not perfect but I do find myself sometimes explain/justifying/defending - I don't know why!! I just hate the thought of him badmouthing me as the awful mum he has painted me out to be - meanwhile he's doing the bare minimum! Bleugh!

Every time he says you are rubbish, should be doing xyz.

Grey rock him with "hmm perhaps you're right, perhaps DS should be living with you and I'll have him at weekends"

You need to not allow him conversation time with you. You will also have to spend less time thinking about his parenting.

Only communicate via text or email.

Only discuss childcare arrangements, cut all other communication between you. He is hugely out of line and you need a big boundary where you make it clear he is not part of your life and has no weight on any decisions about your life.

Most me don’t like to give a lot of money as they feel the mum will waste it. Things like electricity and food and heating that benefits the child doesn’t enter their heads.

Ask if he could buy this years summer wardrobe and school uniform for his son as £100 isn’t going to cover it, that way he knows the money is “going on his son”

Why not try that? Don’t ask for the money, ask him to take him shopping

I feel your pain only my ex pays £7 a week instead and has done for years. I want nothing to do with the man and hate that I’m still forced to have contact because we have children. If I had it my way I would never see or speak to him ever again!

[quote starbucks1000]@forinborin I love the 15 min of vent time!! I thought about setting something up similar to vent but wondered if that's just giving his crap more headspace!

It has really helped seeing all of your stories and knowing I'm not the only one going through this. I think I find it very hard to just let it go because I have had to fight a lot while growing up to get the basics and with him, he just doesn't see that what I'm asking for isn't unreasonable.

I've been meaning to journal all this but haven't done so consistently but will try to after this! [/quote]
Is the maintenance through CMS or just agreed with the two of you?

My counsellor advised me to write him a letter, so I did. It was vitriolic and the nastiest thing I have ever read. Then I had to burn it and I felt so much better for all the bitterness to be out of me and gone.

The ideas about asking him to take him shopping are good. Send him with a list of what he needs to buy- he’ll soon realise that £100 doesn’t go very far.

Have a separate phone that he has the number for and you can switch off when your son is with you and use for contact with if needed then you can choose whether you want to hear from him or not.

Are these daily calls court ordered? If not, say they are distressing for your son and you will let him call him if he wants to but this will only be at his request, you will not allow your son to be bribed into making contact. My daughter is younger and I can go 4 days without hearing from her, it’s not necessary for him to speak to him every day and is just another way of controlling you.

I know how hard it is to stand up to these kind of people, so I know this is all easier said than done. Tell him how it’s going to be then refuse to engage further.

Good luck

Just don't engage. I know it's hard and unfair. I spent three years chasing the children's father for financial support. With failed promises each time. CMS involved but nothing materialises. So I stopped. The only person getting upset was me. When the children ask for something expensive. I explain that I have to make my money cover all our costs and something need saving up for.

I'm very lucky if I am struggling the children's grandparents will help out. For things like school Uniform and shoes etc.

Things can be tight. But we get by. And I don't get that frustrated feeling monthly when I get the empty promises. He has to tell his children at some point how he felt he was doing his best by them.

I feel your pain. I absolutely detest exh. £30/w for 3 DC but he can go abroad 3 times a year. He has DS overnight once a week, 6.30pm-9am.
I've struggled for 13 years bringing them up alone. He has zero interest in DDs, treats DS like a mate. My theory is, DDs have already realised what a waste of space he is. DS will eventually. DS already acknowledges that he doesn't have any respect for exh as a father.

I think the PP said 'a lot' in reference to the dad getting 3/4 WEEKENDS with him.

Parenting ap is good solution for A) limiting communication, it's in one place, dosen't intrude in your emails, WhatsApp, text. And b) Everything they add is recorded and they can't deny what they write. They do have to agree to use it and some have subscription costs. I feel your pain, my husbands x is bk to paying £7 a week as she is self employed and hides her income and gives us no end of grief. The ap really helps.

@htp320

Calls aren't court ordered. I think it is a control thing. He used to call and call - sometimes up to around 10 times if I didn't answer, with him saying it's his child, he should be able to talk to him.

I would constantly be blocking him, threatened him with harassment and eventually did report to police to have it logged.

He started making DS feel really bad if DS didn't call him every night, he would question him again and again asking why he didn't call and say it made him upset. I stepped in and said I'm stopping the calls if he continues as I felt he was bullying DS - of course he didn't see it like that. Now he has introduced the whole, DS will miss out on some money if he doesn't call every night.

If I stop the calls, I won't hear the end of it and I don't know if I can deal with that as I still see his dad every week for drop offs and pick ups. My legs were literally shaking last week at the drop off and I literally locked the door as soon as DS left the car. His dad parked at an angle close to mine which I felt he did purposely to block my car in. I try to avoid confrontation in person with him as he is bigger and louder than me and I can never get my point across.

Ugh again - I really do hate him!

@blackrimmedspecs the app sounds good but he would not agree to it! I do need to be tracking this and keeping better logs. I need a call recorder to record the emotional pressure he puts on DS. If anyone can suggest a good one, please do!

@randommess he has said he wants DS to live with him and his partner so I can't even say stuff like that. He has found a woman with her own home, good job, has kids already and I think would be more than happy to replace me as DS mum with her. All he does is throw comparisons at me, such as how she manages to look after her kids without her ex helping much. I like her so don't hold anything personal against her. Him on the other hand - it makes it hard for me not to wish he messes up and loses it all.

Perhaps you need to take it to court?

Perhaps you should actually go for nearer 50:50 shared care but have the terms of contact and who pays for what stipulated?

It's very difficult because what ever you do or don't do he will will badmouth and poison your DS against you.

Would you and DS have a better relationship with EOW and one or two overnights during the week and half of holidays? Financially could you afford that?

Your ex may want DS to live with him in order to hurt you but if his new partner seems lovely then she will be the one doing the care?

Do you think DS would like to spend more time with them? He's an age where you could to alternate weeks and in a few years your DS will be listened to as to what he wants.

When don't your ex weekends involve pick up and drop off at school to minimise interaction? In holidays do handover outside a police station or a busy supermarket car park?

I would block your ex calling you but let DS call him.

It's a shitty situation but if you drop the rope your end what do you think would happen?

He sounds a real piece of work OP, I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this man.

Is it possible to change his days slightly so that changeovers mostly happen through school to avoid seeing him?

Sounds like you need to cut all unnecessary communication, he enjoys winding you up - and you let him.
Pissing you off is his power. Take that power away.
Ignore anything that isn't "DS will be at X at Y time for you pick him up" etc