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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Separated parents: who pays for hobbies?

49 replies

HosannainExcelSheets · 05/04/2021 19:41

I'm separated from DC's father. We are negotiating financial separation in divorce. He pays me CM and SM is still on the table. At the moment, he pays the minimum stipulated by CMS for child maintenance.

I pay for everything for DC when they are at mine, most of their clothes for both houses, and all hobbies and extra curricular costs and school trips.

My question is this, two DC do a very expensive hobby and it's at the weekend. Half of the time, they are with their father when they do this hobby. Should I have to foot the entire bill, because I receive CM. Or should each parent pay for the DC (clothes, hobbies, trips etc) whenever they have the DC in their care?

Should weekend hobby costs be split between us (each pay on our respective weekends) or should I pay for everything at weekends because my ex pays CM?

OP posts:

Wannakisstheteacher · 05/04/2021 20:03

Utterly depends on who picked the hobby. If you decided on horse riding, no, he shouldn’t pay half for an indulgent hobby of your choice. Swimming, less you should each pay half as it’s a life skill.

longhaulstress · 05/04/2021 20:08

Unfortunately as he pays the required child maintenance he's under no obligation to pay any more. It's just down to negotiation between yourselves. He may agree to split the bills otherwise it's down to your decision as to whether the dc carry on the activities.

You may find that if you say the expense is too much and you'll be withdrawing them from their activities that may spur him on to agree to split the bill.

For example I pay all my dc's sports hobbies apart from one childs extra sports which EXH signed them up to and as the distance is too far than I think is reasonable I said I'd have nothing to do with it so he pays all expenses for that.

Original poster

HosannainExcelSheets · 05/04/2021 20:10

It's a hobby that predates us separating by many years. Competitive (regional) level sport for two DC. Neither would want to give up or drop any training as they are really into the sport.

It's not a life skill, and I do not support either child trying to take this sport seriously enough to get to national level. I think that's too much commitment. Both DC are pre-teen.

OP posts:

givemesteel · 05/04/2021 20:11

I would get your lawyer to get him to split it as part of the financial agreement.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 05/04/2021 20:14

The RP unless they NRP was the one that booked and instigated it after the split. The RP will be getting the child support and in many cases the child benefit etc.

Soontobe60 · 05/04/2021 20:16

Has your ex refused to pay?

1Morewineplease · 05/04/2021 20:19

Surely, if you're the main carer, and you have decided on an expensive hobby for your child, then you should pay. If you and your ex partner have both decided on a pricey hobby then you should pay half. If your partner wants your children to participate in a pricey hobby then your partner pays.

Original poster

HosannainExcelSheets · 05/04/2021 20:21

@Soontobe60

Has your ex refused to pay?

He won't discuss paying for anything, so he's not refused exactly. Just ignored me and not paid when he takes the DC. It's just resumed as an outdoor sport, and the coach told me that fees weren't paid when he dropped them off.

Normally I'd pay online monthly, but these were extra sessions over the Easter holidays. I haven't been involved with these sessions, but it's made me wonder if ex should pay for hobbies when he has the DC or not.

OP posts:

Original poster

HosannainExcelSheets · 05/04/2021 20:23

@1Morewineplease

It was a joint decision, but years before we split. I actually think we should split the cost, but I was so used to paying (before we split I managed our joint account) that I just kept on paying after he left.

I think you have a good point.

OP posts:

FireflyRainbow · 05/04/2021 20:23

His child maintenance is for clothing and costs like this so you should pay.

blubberball · 05/04/2021 20:25

I think that he should pay on the days he takes them, but that's just my opinion

Original poster

HosannainExcelSheets · 05/04/2021 20:26

@FireflyRainbow

His child maintenance is for clothing and costs like this so you should pay.

But CM is proportional to how many nights the DC spend at each house. So it's to cover the some ofcosts of the DC when they are with the RP, but the NRP surely has to cover costs when the DC are with them?

OP posts:

Shouldbedoing · 05/04/2021 20:27

Child maintenance doesn't cover extras and is usually nowhere near half the cost of raising a child

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 05/04/2021 20:30

Send a direct text.

I can’t afford ‘horse riding’ by myself anymore. I need you to start contributing or the children will have to leave their hobbies. Will you pay on your time or shall I tell ‘the stables’ we can no longer afford it?’

BRB2021 · 05/04/2021 20:31

I had this discussion with a solicitor a couple of years ago. It was down to me as the resident parent to pay for everything. His commitment was for CM. That is it.
The solicitor was very understanding - said he was in the same position in that his girlfriend's ex wouldnt pay for anything other than CM. Unfair but that is how it is

longhaulstress · 05/04/2021 20:33

Shouldbedoing agreed. Don't get me started on the school uniform costs for 3 dc's.

FireflyRainbow · 05/04/2021 20:35

I thought it was just day to day basics he would be expected to cover on his days. Food, gas electric, water. Not clubs. I'm not saying he shouldn't pay, If he can afford it he should, but I don't think he has to.

Namechangerextraordinaire1 · 05/04/2021 20:36

I think you can only table it and see what he says
It appears he is only liable for CM, but he may be willing to pay halves on it. You won't know unless you ask!

But it does appear that he isn't actually under any obligation.

My dd dances and I foot the entire bill. It was my decision for her to do it and it was taken up years post split without discussing with him. I feel that's fair.

minisoksmakehardwork · 05/04/2021 20:36

The extra Easter sessions should be paid by your ex, since he booked them. And I wouldn't have paid for them after the event but directed the coach to your ex as the person who arranged them.

Where you go from here though...

The original joining of the club came as a family decision so regular sessions need to come out of the regular pot such things would - ie maintenance.

But make it clear to your Ex that if either of you book extra sessions, the extra cost has to be born by the person making the booking.

NailsNeedDoing · 05/04/2021 20:37

My ex and I paid 50/50 for all things like that, it his wage wasn’t great so his monthly payment was fairly low. I think it depends how much you receive on a monthly basis as to whether you should split the cost or not, if a NRP is paying a decent amount, regardless of whether it’s the CSA minimum, because depending on his wage the minimum could be plenty. But if you want to split the cost, then both parents have to agree to the activity, it’s not fair when one parent makes the choice to sign the dc up for something expensive and then expects the other parent to contribute to paying for it.

pinhill24 · 05/04/2021 20:39

I pay for all the DC's hobbies. Some predate our divorce and others are new. I never really thought about before. If I had asked exH to pay he wouldn't bother and the children wouldn't have any hobbies.

Getting exH to take them to their hobbies on the rare occasion he has them when one of them has a commitment..... Another story.

MadeForThis · 05/04/2021 20:40

Morally it should be 50/50

Legally he only has to pay minimum CM.

It's a joke.

Original poster

HosannainExcelSheets · 05/04/2021 20:56

Thanks all. Really helpful comments and I will directly ask for it to be included that we each pay for our own weekend activities on our respective weekends with the DC. I'll see what happens.

OP posts:

Loveacoseynightin · 05/04/2021 21:55

@MadeForThis

Morally it should be 50/50

Legally he only has to pay minimum CM.

It's a joke.

Why is it a joke?

Isn't that what Child Maintenance is for?

Terminallysleepdeprived · 05/04/2021 22:05

@HosannainExcelSheets there is no right or wrong.

As above legally he only needs to pay cms minimum, morally is a whole different ball game.

For me and ex...he pays me under the cms minimum but although she doesn't do overnights she is there 3 days out of 6. However, all additional costs for schools ie trips or uniform and hobbies are split. He pays for one hobby and I pay the other (mine is more expensive for fees but all extras required ie kit is split equally)

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