Separated parents: who pays for hobbies?

[HosannainExcelSheets]

I'm separated from DC's father. We are negotiating financial separation in divorce. He pays me CM and SM is still on the table. At the moment, he pays the minimum stipulated by CMS for child maintenance.

I pay for everything for DC when they are at mine, most of their clothes for both houses, and all hobbies and extra curricular costs and school trips.

My question is this, two DC do a very expensive hobby and it's at the weekend. Half of the time, they are with their father when they do this hobby. Should I have to foot the entire bill, because I receive CM. Or should each parent pay for the DC (clothes, hobbies, trips etc) whenever they have the DC in their care?

Should weekend hobby costs be split between us (each pay on our respective weekends) or should I pay for everything at weekends because my ex pays CM?

Can't you just have a grown up conversation about it

@HosannainExcelSheets That's basically how it works here for my SC. Each parent pays for the activities undertaken on their time.

So if their mother wants them to do something on a Tuesday (her night) she pays. If it falls on a weekend and therefore it will be alternate weekends, the cost is split - IF both in agreement that the activity is worthwhile.

CMS is for you to cover their costs when with you. He needs to pay for clothing, childcare etc when they are with him.

An expensive hobby you need to agree with him - sounds like it needs to be 50:50. If you put them in for extra sessions with other the other parent agreeing to it and sharing costs then you have to pay.

Sounds like your ex is a nightmare around money!!

My DD competes in a sport at national level. Fees are £100+ a month, competition uniforms run to almost £1000, plus practice clothing of a few hundred pounds a year. Competitions (attendance, hotel - local Travelodge or Air BnB - and fees) cost about £1500 per annum before lockdown. My ex and I go halves on these costs as they are ‘outside’ the normal costs anyone could reasonably be expected to pay - we have a joint account set up for the purpose. If we hadn’t done that I wouldn’t have been able to let her continue.

He should either pay or not take them.

Child maintenance is all he has to pay legally so if he doesn’t want to pay for any more then he doesn’t have to

I would try to get it formally agreed that he contributes towards them although generally the legal responsibilities end at CMS.

@Macncheeseballs

Can't you just have a grown up conversation about it

No. Sadly not. He will simply ignore texts or emails. Blank me if I bring it up in person. And is currently weeks late with documents he should have filed in court for our financial settlement. He abused the mediation process, and delayed for over a year. There's no way to have any kind of conversation.

Taking what you have all said, I will ask for him to pay half, but expect that I will either have to cut back on training time and costs or fund it myself.

Yes but most men avoid it once they've left. In a caring amicable split it would be wise to have a joint account separate to maintenance for extra activities - birthday parties etc many of my friends split from partners only one has a 50/50 arrangement to cover extras.

50:50. DS has chosen a martial art plus swimming lessons. I pay upfront and ex pays me half back. The same for any kit.

CM is a contribution towards essentials. Nowhere is it specifically defined what essentials are precisely, but obviously hobbies wouldn't be included. However, it would be pretty piss poor parenting if each parent only provided the bare essentials so what happens in practice in many cases is that the RP ends up paying for all of that sort of thing and the NRP says 'that's what maintenance is for'. I'm not prepared to tell my kids they have to stop their one instrument each or fairly normal sports (ie not horse riding or ice skating or anything) so I find the money and go without myself because ex won't pay a penny over cms. I get CB but no other benefits, I work full time and do all the leg work. OP if this is a long standing hobby and you're still at the formal stage, if push very hard to get it written into the consent order.

This is what will be decided when you do your consent orders.

For us, I got a very high spousal maintenance but it was on the basis that I pay for everything for the girls.

The mediators had me detail all my outgoings including the girls activities. The cm plus my income got me x of the way there. The mediators then said 'so, she needs y spousal maintenance.' And, that was sorted.

It depends on a few factors like how much maintenance he's paying eg how much is it reduced because they are with him, who chose the hobby etc. Unfortunately with divorce sometimes hobbies need to be reevaluated. Is he a high earner eg over £100k and you lower? In which case your solicitor should be seeking spousal support

Ps I cover everything but I get substantial spousal support

We're not separated but if we were we would split all the costs down the middle which seems fair.

If he’s booked extra sessions then he should pay for them. Leaving you with the bill for that is ridiculous because what else could he commit you to paying because he sends cms?

I have mixed feelings about this all though because as a kid my Dad was wealthy but because he was self employed he paid the minimum possible to my Mum, we couldn’t have hobbies as a result. I didn’t learn to swim until an adult as we were so skint, I did ask him why as an adult and he was nasty about my Mum, seems unable to see it wasn’t just her that missed out.... but now I’m on the other side. My DP pays what cms state as the minimum and also goes halves for clothes/school uniform/trips etc and has them for more nights than his ex claims (she says 1 night a week but we do 2 and school holidays - so almost 50:50). She’s told them that they can’t take up horse riding because Daddy won’t pay halves, we genuinely don’t have the money available to pay it!

If you can get a written agreement during the settlement it would be better.
Even the nicest ex's get arsey after a split as unfortunately felt by pp's on the thread, the DC do realise when they're older the sacrifice a single parent makes.

Talk to him about it. Personally I pay for my DDs’ hobbies from the maintenance but we go halves on residential school trips as they’re an additional expense to monthly outgoings. Just mention it and see what he says

Message him and say that you are going to have to cut back on the training time unless he pays half the bill.

Being nosey. What's the sport?

I don’t think it matters whether it’s an amicable split or not it’s about how willing and financially able a father is to spend extra money on their child. DH’s ex would always ask for more than minimum cms, but DH never trusted it got spent on what she said it was.

But he did always pay for his phone, put money on his school lunch account, pay for school ski trips, buy him shoes and clothes to wear etc. He never got petty about when the school lunch got eaten or demand the coat he bought his son was only worn on ‘his’ days.

DS would always ask his dad if he wanted to do anything that cost a bit, or if he needed a laptop for school. This was what DH and his ex agreed between them, she was absolutely hopeless with money and in all kinds of debt though.

I'm divorced, exH pays maintenance and then whenever DS is with him he pays for everything including hobbies.

He also pays for half of school uniform and half for a birthday party for DS, on top of the child maintenance.

The problem with 'whenever dcs are with the ex he pays' is if contact is v uneven. If its eow only, ie 4 days a month, its unlikely many hobbies will fall then, especially if there's distance involved so the nrp can't just take them to football or whatever and split it 50/50. Maintenance obviously does increase as contact reduces but not by so much to cover the difference of RP paying for all hobbies and associated kit etc.