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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Regret what I've done to my children.

29 replies

Bobbiebigbum · 05/04/2021 19:19

3 and a half years ago after coming back off my second maternity leave, I was being bullied and undermined at work with threats of restructuring (but nothing concrete). I was also being bullied at home by the children's dad (I have 2, now aged 5 and 9).

I applied for a job 3 hrs away, with more money and responsibility. I got it. After much thought, I decided to take it. For 6 months I commuted. I left the kids with then dp, but I worried about them. I decided to take them with me. I bought a new, much smaller house and started again as a single parent. When we come back and visit friends with kids in the school we left, I have such a lot of guilt. I feel eldest in particular has been so disrupted by moving schools and his old friends have grown without him, whereas he still feels like the new boy in our new place.

I wish I had found a different solution that hadn't wrenched us away from our roots. But on the other hand I have a better job.....

OP posts:

user1471530109 · 05/04/2021 19:28

OP, you have written my life! My DC are a similar age (a couple of years older both of them) and honestly I have settled now and so have the kids. Both of them say they love where we live and they both don't want to move again. I commuted with them for 18months. It nearly broke me. But although we have a smaller house, it's taken time but we have all made friends and settled. My eldest has had the hardest time and honestly at times it's been horrendous (been referred to CAMHS) but I don't think it's related to the move at all. Most likely ASD but even if not, it is more likely related to the divorce and break up than the move. She honestly will tell you she is glad we moved and we still go back weekly (not in covid times) for an extra curricular activity she has kept up, so she is reminded of what we left behind.

give it a bit longer. It's been 5-6 years since I got the job I moved for. 7 years since the separation with xh. It's all my youngest has known.

Justcallmebebes · 05/04/2021 19:30

They're very young and will adapt. Especially when lock down lifts and clubs and stuff starts up again. A calm safe home life with a happy relaxed mum will benefit them so much more. You've done the right thing

WetWeekends · 05/04/2021 19:32

Being able to provide for them is so important. Plus you wouldn’t have been able to be a good Mum if you were stressed and unhappy in a job you were being bullied at. It sounds like you’ve done the right thing to me. The kids will settle in time I’m sure.

Royalbloo · 05/04/2021 19:33

You may find they learn more as a result and become more resilient - but they won't if you share your guilt (not saying you will/have). You did what you thought was best at the time and that's all we can ever do x

Yetano · 05/04/2021 19:34

Sounds like the smart move long term, but a difficult one nonetheless.
It's also a very valuable example you're setting.

GoToSleepBabyPlease · 05/04/2021 19:37

Ahh, mum guilt. You'll never be free of it, whatever choices you make, so you can only ever do what seems right at the time, which is what you've done.

I hope it all settles down soon for you all.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 05/04/2021 20:09

If I've got the timelines right, you've been in your new place for 2.5 - 3 years now.

That's a long time for your oldest to feel like he's still the new boy. Has he articulated to you that he feels that way? Or could you be partially projecting your own feelings of guilt?

Curlywurly256 · 05/04/2021 20:28

When they are old enough to understand why you moved op they will appreciate that it was what was best for you and them. You did what you could under pressing circumstances, dont be too harsh on yourself. There is no real damage done, you dc will make new friends and live a much better life now that they have a happier mummy

TangerineGreen · 05/04/2021 20:36

Military mum here, my children have moved so much. My youngest (almost 6) has had 3 different schools for preschool, reception and now year 1. It’s been crazy! The main source of stability is your love and their family routine. My children know as long as our rug is down in the living room then it’s our home. They are doing well at school, new friends take time. This move has been the hardest as no parties or play dates to help with them mixing but as things lift I know they will get there. Lots of reassurance for them, highlight the wonderful things of their new school, keep up with friends at the old school, then they can see they can just have lots of friends in different places. My eldest (10) plays minecraft with 4 people from her first school, they will meet up once able. Help them to see how change can be amazing for you all and they will feed off this and thrive. Give it more time, you’ll get there!

Pinkyxx · 05/04/2021 21:08

I moved repeatedly as a kid (Dad was an expat). I lived in multiple different countries, continents and was educated in several different languages by the time I was done with school.

It wasn't always easy, but 'home' was where we laid our hat. If our stone bunny was sat outside our front door it was home. Stability came from our life as a family, shared routines, memories & knowing we always had each other. Friends took time to make, we all struggled in different ways at different ages but all came through it. Mum and Dad always made us believe we could do anything, get through anything & honestly we believed it as the years passed. As I look back, I wouldn't change a thing... it made me who I am, us as a family who we are, it made me strong and resilient. I don't fear change in the slightest... even lockdown I adapted to with relative ease compared to some. Same with my siblings.. we have a ''get on with it''' attitude rather than being reliant on things being as we 'expect' or needing to be a certain way. Most of my friends are ones I made as a child, now dotted all over the world yet we're close. It doesn't matter if we haven't seen each other for months..

If I contrast this with seperating with my ex and moving at the same time... I'd have to concede it impacted my daughter to begin with. 10 years down the line, I am glad this all happened. Even having moved her to a totally different school to all her primary peers for secondary, and even with Covid - she's coped 100% better than 99% of kids there. She's resilient, adaptable - made of steel. Change is good in many ways (which is different to easy...), and the younger kids experience it the better if you ask me.

Give it time, you will get there. What doesn't break you makes you stronger :-)

Original poster

Bobbiebigbum · 06/04/2021 15:30

Aw thank you for these replies. You have made me feel much better. Mother guilt it a bummer but thanks for the positive advice.

OP posts:

FireflyRainbow · 06/04/2021 15:38

I can be quite harsh, but you have done nothing but put your children first. You did what was best for them. Don't feel bad for being a good mum op. Well done for getting away from a bully and taking the children with you. Top mum points to you, you did the hardest thing breaking free. I hope you are enjoying your new life. Be proud of yourself OP.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 06/04/2021 15:53

I think you have done the right thing and you have put your family first. It takes guts to start again and you have moved yourself and your children out of a bullying situation. It also sounds like you are keeping in touch with the old friends too which is really nice of you and also takes a lot of effort on your part. Parenting is tough. Hopefully as time goes on you will all settle in more. Well done on the new job.

VestaTilley · 06/04/2021 16:04

You sound like you’ve been through a terribly hard time; you did what seemed right, and you got yourself a good job and took the children (rightly) away from a man who sounded like an abusive father.

You did absolutely the right thing, and you put the children first.

Coyoacan · 06/04/2021 16:17

You made your decisions based on what you thought was best for your children and that is the only thing anyone can ask of you.

I personally believe that some of the adversity our children go through in life is necessary for their personal development.

TrickyGoldfinch · 06/04/2021 16:19

It sounds like a really tough decision but I think it was the right one. Your kids might take time to settle in somewhere new but it will be miles better for them to live with a happy mum than in a toxic and tense household.

AnotherEmma · 06/04/2021 16:20

It sounds as if you ended a toxic relationship and left a job which was making you unhappy for a better job; both were good decisions for you and your children, even though the move wasn't easy. You've done the right thing

soughsigh · 06/04/2021 16:27

I moved around a lot in primary school and it hasn't impacted me long term.

However, seeing their mother being bullied by their father will probably have impacted on your children long term. Also if you are happier and more fulfilled in your job, you are more likely to be happy at home. You have definitely made the right decision, for them and yourself.

Abc321xyz · 06/04/2021 17:01

I did the same thing 4 years ago. Moved 5dc from the house and school they grew up in to a new area, where they knew no one. From a new build house to a rundown 60s semi that we're still working on.
I still occasionally wonder if I did the right thing and wonder what would have happened if we'd stayed where we were but DC have all settled brilliantly, made friends and call the area home. I think, as mothers, we're all prone to second guess any decisions we make.

Original poster

Bobbiebigbum · 07/04/2021 11:34

Sounds like a few people on here are in the same boat. My guilt has been considerably less in the last 24 hrs.

OP posts:

CaptSkippy · 07/04/2021 11:57

I think you did the right thing. I grew up in a household with an abusive dad. Mum didn't leave and took out her pain and frustration on us. You did the right thing, not only by giving them a peaceful household, but also setting an example for how one deserves to be treated in a relationship and that it's better to leave than to put up with abuse.

Original poster

Bobbiebigbum · 08/04/2021 16:39

Thanks @CaptSkippy

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 08/04/2021 16:50

He's still very young, he will be fine, sounds like you did the best thing for both yourself and the children in general.

kittycorner · 08/04/2021 17:21

You've done a good thing @Bobbiebigbum and your decision to build a new, stable and safe life for your family will be a huge benefit to your dc long term.

They've likely experienced some trauma with the way your ex treated you, and changes. But with support they will be able to better gain those coping skills and process their life experiences. Perhaps reach out to see if there's any counselling supports available for eldest.

I started a new life with mine and I honestly felt it took a lot longer than I thought it would to find a new normal, build community and be completely settled. Now we are 8 years later, it was the best thing I've done and has been excellent for the dc. Yes, when they see small reminders of their old life there are things to miss. That's normal. Yes, friendships move on. Perhaps try and find ways for small connections, playing a game online with an old or new friend and whatever you can do when the country opens up properly again. Your dc will look to you to role model acknowledging losses and gains and being confident in your choices. Best of luck.

Original poster

Bobbiebigbum · 09/04/2021 14:18

Sounds like I need to commit to the new place more. Currently I am living between two worlds a little, not deeply immersed in either more. But then I've always suffered from FOMO a bit.

OP posts:

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