Why does everyone seem to think they can tell me what to do?

[LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour]

I'm not young, I'm not inexperienced (a couple of decades in my chosen field), I'm well qualified (to postgrad level), I'm articulate, I'm reliable, I'm fairly personable, I don't lack common sense, I'm not "quirky" or "weird", I'm not even particularly reserved or retiring - nor am I an intolerably loud-mouthed extrovert.

So why, in every area of my life, do people seem to feel they hold authority over me?

At work I seem to have no autonomy with decisions (yet the new 25-year-old admin assistant has the confidence to tell me what I can and can't do) despite having done my job for a long time.

In a voluntary role the other day, I moved a chair slightly. Within seconds another, newer, volunteer came along and moved it back. It made me furious - am I somehow so lowly that I can't take it upon myself to rotate a plastic seat by 90 degrees (to make it look more tidy) without asking permission?

My neighbours (within the building) seem to think it's their place to order me around and tell me what I should be doing, despite the fact we hold equal shares of the freehold and I am not shirking our joint responsibilities.

What can I do about this without falling out with people I have to work or live with? It's making me very angry and really quite depressed as it's affecting my self-esteem. What characteristic/s is it that people who manage to command respect and get promoted eminate? Because it's certainly not necessarily high intelligence or EQ.

My job doesn't have a natural career progression, but over the years I see other people getting more responsible, managerial roles despite clearly not being more intelligent, more skilled, more qualified or better at communicating than I am (in fact sometimes being fairly deficient in one or more of those areas).

Every so often it becomes clear - usually to my surprise - that people do think quite highly of me, but this never seems to translate into anything tangible.

What can I do to either change or accept this situation I find myself in?

When people do the things you've mentioned above, set them right. Tell them why it annoys you and that you know exactly what you're doing. with confidence.

What do you say to these people who roll roughshod over you? Nothing? It sounds to me that you need to be more assertive.

People do this to me. I'm quite assertive. I've worked out that a lot of it is because I'm short. I'm 44 and a work colleague recently described me as 'cute' .
It shouldn't be that way, but I wonder if there's anything similar going on for you?

@Aquamarine1029

What do you say to these people who roll roughshod over you? Nothing? It sounds to me that you need to be more assertive.

Sometimes it's appropriate to bite one's tongue, but I don't necessarily do that. I worry about coming across as agressive/argumentative/strident.

Yesterday, when I let someone know I would be doing a job relating to the building, I was told, "It's our responsibility to make sure the property is looked after now that we're freeholders." I replied, "Yes, I know - that's why I'm doing it [the job I volunteered to do]!"

@CherryAndAlmond

People do this to me. I'm quite assertive. I've worked out that a lot of it is because I'm short. I'm 44 and a work colleague recently described me as 'cute' . It shouldn't be that way, but I wonder if there's anything similar going on for you?

That's interesting. Not only am I short, but I was very short for a significant part of my teens (owing to a medial issue) and it really affected my self-esteem very badly.

I'm only just on the short side of average now, but I always expect everyone to be taller than me. I wonder whether I still unconciously emanate some lack of self-confidence and self-assurance that people pick up on.

I’m short too and it doesn’t help. I’ve always been told I look a lot younger than my years. This isn’t a stealth boast either, I’m 37 but have been told my dozens of people that I look between 25-30 tops. The two things don’t exactly command respect and it sucks. You have my sympathies @LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour #GoShorties

The neighbours thing I. would have responded no shit sherlock, why do you think I offered to do it. By the way what are you doing?

I challenged the admin person to send me an email stating what I could and couldn't do. They did and when next asked to do something they deemed I was incapable of, yea not in my job spec anymore. Anyway busy with my actual responsibilities. Yes they did grass me up to my line manager and it back fired immensely on the admin person as it was them making shit up as they went along. The whole place was sent the admins job spec by the big boss.

I'm not a people person though and if I upset people standing up to them, oh well, shouldn't have gotten in my face in the first place.

I’m short and have this problem too. What irritates me the most is people will stop listening to me say something when I’m not done or talk over me. I now loudly and rudely say “excuse me - I hadn’t finished what I was saying - do you mind?” Stops people dead in their tracks.

Funnily enough I was going to ask if you were short too. I'm 5'2" and get this the whole time from newer colleagues or middke level managers. Like I'm a little girl who doesn't understand the basics of any job.

Jokes on the them because I'm a gobby assertive 52 year old woman who takes no prisoners (too gobby sometimes. Oops. ). They get a very rude awakening!!

It usual takes one assertive take down for male colleagues. Unfortunately, some women seem to take longer to realise that being short doesn't make me a passive victim.

Hmmm I'm not sure it's 100% a short thing, but I doubt it helps. I'm tall, a women, averagely attractive as in nothing that would make you recoil in horror, but I don't hair and makeup ( I do wear some makeup, but very natural ) and I dress normally, casual, not quirky or show off. It happens to me, so my theory is it's

Being female + Being average attractiveness + Just being average dress

people don't see you and think they can trample all over you

I get this too. Drives me mad! Even my friends and family do it. For example I am about to move house and we have had some input into fixtures and fittings - showed someone the kitchen and said how much I loved it, and they said No I hate it. You shouldn't have that kitchen you should have this other one! I on the other hand might not love someone's choice but I would say oh how lovely and it's so nice you're pleased with it as I would think it's their house their choice? I've moved house over 20 times... my family are still messaging me things like make sure I label my boxes and take photos of gas meter??

I read your post, op and I thought I bet she’s short!!! I’m 4ft 10inches and this happens to me all the time!
I ignore now and do my own thing in my own time.

Hmmm - I'm not short though, and I am senior in my career and I don't have this experience at work. Just with strangers, family and friends! Like they're very bossy and patronising to me?? I'm 34 for Christ sake...

Thanks, everyone. Can't do much about my height - perhaps I should start wearing heels!

But knowing I'm not alone helps a bit.

@pickaxer

Hmmm I'm not sure it's 100% a short thing, but I doubt it helps. I'm tall, a women, averagely attractive as in nothing that would make you recoil in horror, but I don't hair and makeup ( I do wear some makeup, but very natural ) and I dress normally, casual, not quirky or show off. It happens to me, so my theory is it's

Being female + Being average attractiveness + Just being average dress

people don't see you and think they can trample all over you

Yes, I think I dress nicely, but fairly understated in style (Hobbs, M&S, Jigsaw sort of thing). I'm averagely attractive - good figure (especially for my age) but not a stunner and never have been. Also minimal make-up.

How is your posture? They way we hold ourselves is so important, and weak, slack posture definitely sends the wrong message. My parents constantly reminded me to remember good posture when I was growing up and I'm so glad they did. I've done the same with my children.

What sort of thing does the 25 year old admin tell you that you can and can’t do?

I have resting bitch face, and if I don’t say that I am angry/ annoyed / pissed off my face will covey it for me.

You must look very friendly and not assertive, try looking continually pissed off.

I had a bloke attempt to mansplain how to use a tyre pressure machine in a garage once. I just gave him a hard stare and said Really? He backed right off. You need to stop being nice sadly. Id prefer it if people were nice but they are not.

The neighbours thing I. would have responded no shit sherlock, why do you think I offered to do it. By the way what are you doing?*

Yeah, that's pretty much how I did respond, without the last bit (as, to be fair, they are pulling their weight).

Incidentally with these neighbours I watered their garden last summer, invited them to my birthday drinks and have done one or two other favours for them.

I’d be challenging the admin assistant-why are they telling you want you can and can’t do? I’d be very politely but absolute firmly telling them that they are not in charge of you and ask why they think they can do this? Leave the question hanging and let them flounder around trying to come up with some bollocks.

Are you simply accepting people overriding you/telling you what to do? I’d not be taking direction from someone not my superior without asking who the heck they think they are!

@LemmysAceCard

What sort of thing does the 25 year old admin tell you that you can and can’t do?

I have resting bitch face, and if I don’t say that I am angry/ annoyed / pissed off my face will covey it for me.

You must look very friendly and not assertive, try looking continually pissed off.

She told me I wasn't to fetch a client at a particular time (nothing to do with her) and also made a decision on whether I could bill for something.

As it happens I got very pissed off about 18 months ago because of a particular problem at work that was preventing me from doing my job and was told of a) for seeming pissed off and b) for taking steps to try to ensure I fulfilled my role. Can't bloody win.

You need to develop gravitas and presence. Sounds like you dress/hold yourself to merge into the background. Nothing wrong with that but sounds like you think you deserve to be noticed more. Talk with authority and presence and think about what you wear/how you hold yourself.

@Cherrysoup

I’d be challenging the admin assistant-why are they telling you want you can and can’t do? I’d be very politely but absolute firmly telling them that they are not in charge of you and ask why they think they can do this? Leave the question hanging and let them flounder around trying to come up with some bollocks.

Are you simply accepting people overriding you/telling you what to do? I’d not be taking direction from someone not my superior without asking who the heck they think they are!

Thing is if you say something like this (you're not in charge of me, etc.) that's quite confrontational and you run the risk of having soured the relationship forever.

No, I don't think I do simply accept people telling me what to do - but what gets me is why they think it's their preogative in the first place.

@Jangle33

You need to develop gravitas and presence. Sounds like you dress/hold yourself to merge into the background. Nothing wrong with that but sounds like you think you deserve to be noticed more. Talk with authority and presence and think about what you wear/how you hold yourself.

When did I say anything about how I hold myself?

I have good posture and walk with a sense of purpose. My dress would, typically, be smart black trousers with a coloured shirt/blouse or top, perhaps also a cardigan. Occasionally a dress. Boots or other smart (not frumpy) shoes. Always well groomed with some make-up and earrings.

Thing is if you say something like this (you're not in charge of me, etc.) that's quite confrontational and you run the risk of having soured the relationship forever.

Well, I think this is a big part of your problem. Do you really care if you sour your relationship with an admin assistant who doesn't know their place?