Why does everyone seem to think they can tell me what to do?

[LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour]

I'm not young, I'm not inexperienced (a couple of decades in my chosen field), I'm well qualified (to postgrad level), I'm articulate, I'm reliable, I'm fairly personable, I don't lack common sense, I'm not "quirky" or "weird", I'm not even particularly reserved or retiring - nor am I an intolerably loud-mouthed extrovert.

So why, in every area of my life, do people seem to feel they hold authority over me?

At work I seem to have no autonomy with decisions (yet the new 25-year-old admin assistant has the confidence to tell me what I can and can't do) despite having done my job for a long time.

In a voluntary role the other day, I moved a chair slightly. Within seconds another, newer, volunteer came along and moved it back. It made me furious - am I somehow so lowly that I can't take it upon myself to rotate a plastic seat by 90 degrees (to make it look more tidy) without asking permission?

My neighbours (within the building) seem to think it's their place to order me around and tell me what I should be doing, despite the fact we hold equal shares of the freehold and I am not shirking our joint responsibilities.

What can I do about this without falling out with people I have to work or live with? It's making me very angry and really quite depressed as it's affecting my self-esteem. What characteristic/s is it that people who manage to command respect and get promoted eminate? Because it's certainly not necessarily high intelligence or EQ.

My job doesn't have a natural career progression, but over the years I see other people getting more responsible, managerial roles despite clearly not being more intelligent, more skilled, more qualified or better at communicating than I am (in fact sometimes being fairly deficient in one or more of those areas).

Every so often it becomes clear - usually to my surprise - that people do think quite highly of me, but this never seems to translate into anything tangible.

What can I do to either change or accept this situation I find myself in?

@Aquamarine1029

Thing is if you say something like this (you're not in charge of me, etc.) that's quite confrontational and you run the risk of having soured the relationship forever.

Well, I think this is a big part of your problem. Do you really care if you sour your relationship with an admin assistant who doesn't know their place?

Yes I do care because a) she seems a very nice person otherwise and is friendly, helpful and down-to-earth, and b) I have quite a lot to do with her for various reasons.

@LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour how old are you? Because that choice of set of clothes definitely sound like someone who wants to blend into the background.

You sound like me.

I also thought people didn't like me, assumed I was a bit stupid and had no desire to progress and walked all over me.

Then it turns out to not be true. (We had an issue at work and union was getting involved and when asked at meeting who should represent us I was voted in within seconds!).

Turns out it's because I'm so passive and laid back and generally quite chilled people just do these things to get their own annoyances out of the way guaranteeing I'll just say nothing.

I've learnt to speak up. Not rudely. But for example the chair situation is just enquire politely "why? I like it like this - what's wrong with it this way?".

Basically I've learnt to nicely get people to explain their thought processes which often makes them sound like a loon and so they've mostly stopped doing it!

OP are you me? I get this from literally everyone in every facet of my life - in work, family, friends, neighbours, in my hobbies. And being assertive seems to make no difference, that just gets brushed off too! Sometimes I feel like the court jester.

“ I worry about coming across as agressive/argumentative/strident”

I wonder if this is the issue OP?
Stop worrying and just say what you think.
Be confident in yourself and value your opinions.
If you don’t, no one will.

YANBU at all. I have exactly the same thing happen to me, thankfully not at work but in my personal life. Constant unsolicited advice neighbours, family and friends. I’ve wondered whether it’s because I’m female and look younger than my years.
Try to put a stop to it as soon as possible and remember that their comments and advice are a little rude in the first place, for example moving the chair. So don’t hold back by trying to be polite, the sooner you speak up the easier it is to stop it.

@NewIdeasToday

“ I worry about coming across as agressive/argumentative/strident”

I wonder if this is the issue OP?
Stop worrying and just say what you think.
Be confident in yourself and value your opinions.
If you don’t, no one will.

Looks like I'm so afraid of being aggressive that I can't even spell it!

I'm not sure you can just decide to be confident, but I guess you can decide to act confident.

@NewIdeasToday

“ I worry about coming across as agressive/argumentative/strident”

I wonder if this is the issue OP?
Stop worrying and just say what you think.
Be confident in yourself and value your opinions.
If you don’t, no one will.

Spot on.

I was so afraid of upsetting people I would keep quiet.

Until I realised others didn't have the same respect for me.

I still struggle with being confident but I can certainly act it more now!

Have you considered asking your employer if you can attend an “Assertion without Aggression“ course, OP?
I used to be like you describe, but this course helped me to stand up for myself gracefully (my employer asks yearly if there are any courses I would like to attend). If not your employer, there are some you can attend privately, or online courses and articles that might help.
Hope you are able to get some ideas from other PP too💐

One of my friends had this, mostly at work. She is (in her own words) short, female, fat and forty. When she started a new job, she dyed her hair a strong plum colour (from light brown), hat or cut short and a bit spiky, and she noticed a massive difference. People seem to assume she has loads of confidence and she gets much less of it now.

I worry about coming across as agressive/argumentative/strident

This is the issue. But, it's reasonable to be concerned about it. If you don't worry about it, and often come across as strident(! Would u ever use this for a man?!) and argumentative, people rarely walk all over you BUT a lot of people will dislike and avoid you. I know this from experience (I'm the sort that finds it very difficult to hold back and usually I don't bother to). Some people just hate an opinionated woman, and there's no changing that. Probably better to just get along.

@Notjustanymum

Have you considered asking your employer if you can attend an “Assertion without Aggression“ course, OP? I used to be like you describe, but this course helped me to stand up for myself gracefully (my employer asks yearly if there are any courses I would like to attend). If not your employer, there are some you can attend privately, or online courses and articles that might help. Hope you are able to get some ideas from other PP too💐

This course sounds really interesting. Do you have a link?

Sounds as if what you need is assertiveness training. It's a learned skill, and I agree with pp that a lot of managers and leaders get training in it. I am also short and not naturally very assertive but when I set my mind to it, I can be! Assertiveness and aggression are not the same thing and you can learn to be assertive. The women's movement used to be hot on it back in the 1980s, I went to a few workshops and found them really helpful, and I bet you could still find a copy of Anne Dickson's old classic "A Woman in Your Own Right".

I'm 5 ft 3 inches. Oh, sorry yes 5 ft 2 inches (I lost an inch after the birth of DC1!) and I get this all the time. I'm late 30s / early 40s! Someone once tried to explain long division to me. I kept thinking, I did take and pass calculus! In the end, I just developed an excel spreadsheet to do the calculation, which took the time to calculate task down from 30 minutes to 2 minutes. Not sure if I have added anything.

All the best.

At work you probably come across as friendly and kind. People are dickheads and will take advantage of that. I have the same problem despite a bad case of RBF and being physically a bit unusual in appearance. I'm usually very chilled out and will help anyone when I can, always try to see the positive / find solutions in a situation. I keep expecting people to respond in kind but usually I get taken for a mug!

The problem I have now is that I just can't be bothered to fight back. I'm paid a reasonable amount so I just think to myself "well if you want to pay me to put up with these arseholes I will" !

At the end of the day I value my conscience more than the other stuff. That's who I am, I don't really want to change.