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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this unreasonable?

75 replies

Yecal321 · 05/04/2021 15:08

Hi,
At a lost cause really, I’ve been with my partner 7 years now. Throughout the first 4 years his ex made it a living hell. They split on bad terms, they have a child together and I have been in their life since 3. We have a lovely relationship and since being with him he has had his child every weekend plus majority of school holidays as we always do something. My bf mother, child’s grandparent has them usually on a Saturday every other weekend which allowed us as a couple & also him as he works so hard a break. He works 50+ hours a week and has always paid child maintenance as she got csa due to thinking she is entitled to more. Anyhow, circumstances have changed & his mother is quite unwell and is unable to have her grandchildren overnight so my partner has said if things can be changed to every other weekend but will also have child over night during the week and do a school run plus keep school holidays the same. This has caused uproar and she ‘will not allow it’ are we being unreasonable? Is this too much to ask for...this will be the battle we have :(

OP posts:

GrubbyGruber · 05/04/2021 18:32

@Happycat1212

But why should the mum have the child ALL week and every other weekend and the day just have the child eow? And no time during the week? The mum is the one doing most of the hard work 🙄 as usual

He's asking for time during the week as well though?

Am I being blind or is everyone else?! (Purposefully because it's a Dad I imagine).

Cherrysoup · 05/04/2021 18:32

Just go to court for contact.

worriedatthemoment · 05/04/2021 19:31

Do people even read op post , they have said they also have for majority of schools hols as well and also that of goes to every other weekend then they will do one night and the following day school run so they are looking to drop but also take on a midweek night
I don't think that seems unreasonable unless the mum has a weekend job and thats why its hard for her , as I don't know many people that wouldn't want their child one weekend anyway as more time can be spent and days out etc rather than on school days

PixieLaLa · 05/04/2021 21:19

He's asking for time during the week as well though?
Am I being blind or is everyone else?! (Purposefully because it's a Dad I imagine).

Exactly! Some PP just pick out the bits they want to read and label the Dad all sorts. Personally what stands out to me is a Mum who wants zero time with their DC on weekends which is sad.

Graphista · 05/04/2021 21:29

if they are with OP DP most of the holidays and every weekend.

I'm rather sceptical about the holidays given what the thread is about AND the 50 hour working week.

I'm thinking even if the child is away from mum at these times that dad isn't the one spending time with and caring for the child.

It just doesn't make sense or add up!

I agree I don't think we're getting the truth here

If dad were really having the child away from the mum as much as op claims then I don't think he'd be having to pay much if any maintenance

Something doesn't smell right

But the lies just rolled off the tongue.

Yep very common ime and from reading on here

And yes, mum may well work weekends. Even if full time in an area like retail it's not uncommon to work weekends and have 2 weekdays off and for it to be incredibly difficult if not impossible to change this without risking losing job altogether - which in the current market must be a terrifying prospect!

I'm also sceptical about the midweek contact time, even if that genuinely is being requested I get the feeling that it won't be dad doing the graft but op.

UserTwice · 05/04/2021 22:11

It's odd to have a job that's habitually 50+ hours a week and yet you're able to take off the majority of the school holidays. As unusual as a mother that never sees her child at the weekend. In fact this whole set up seems strange. I expect there's a backstory.

SpongebobNoPants · 05/04/2021 22:20

@UserTwice really? I imagine a lot of self employed tradesmen for example do just that

UserTwice · 05/04/2021 22:31

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@UserTwice really? I imagine a lot of self employed tradesmen for example do just that[/quote]
Well if the DP is able to alter his own hours, then problem solved. He just works fewer hours in the week to give himself a break.

SpongebobNoPants · 05/04/2021 22:34

@UserTwice well then he’ll need to make up those hours at the weekend surely? Meaning his child’s mother will need to help him out too?
A lot of self employed people or contractors work longer hours so enable them to take time off in school holidays etc, they might not necessarily be able to afford to just cut their hours back completely without making up for it at other times.

RachelRavenRoth · 05/04/2021 22:44

to every other weekend but will also have child over night during the week and do a school run plus keep school holidays the same. This has caused uproar and she ‘will not allow it’ are we being unreasonable?
So at the moment he has his child 3 nights a fortnight and his mother has her once. And he wants to change it to him having her four nights a fortnight? Seems reasonable. No actual amount of nights changed.

What reason has the child’s mother given for not agreeing to the change? Do you live close to her school? Can he actually do the school runs with his hours? And as she is 10 will he be able to continue this with her at high school? Or do you think the 50 hours a week he works and that you're TTC might make her think it just wont happen consistently?

RachelRavenRoth · 05/04/2021 22:46

A lot of self employed people or contractors work longer hours so enable them to take time off in school holidays etc

Has op actually said he does this?

SpongebobNoPants · 05/04/2021 22:49

@RachelRavenRoth no but it was in response the the PP who was suggesting it sounds implausible that someone could consistently work long hours and is also able to care for their child in the school holidays.

SpongebobNoPants · 05/04/2021 22:50

It’s not implausible, I was just suggesting one scenario where it is entirely realistic based on a few people I personally know who do this.

BusyLizzie61 · 05/04/2021 23:18

Technically the "proposal" means the same percentage of contact. But would mean 10%of the 46% contact would be after school when he presumably he'd not be collecting at 3pm if working 50 hours a week.

Fwiw, the child maintenance is totally appropriate as not 50% or more contact.

Likewise, it seems a poor justification to change the contact. But most of all I feel sorry for the child, that noone really wants to give her quality time and it seems like she's just an irritation to you all.

Feelingconfused2020 · 05/04/2021 23:28

I would say he needs to have the same number of nights or increase the amount he pays her in CM. If he's currently doing every weekend is that 4 nights a fortnight or6?

SD1978 · 05/04/2021 23:51

You'll need a lawyer for an actual schedule. I'm sure she is being unreasonable as far as you both see it, but your partner has had an every weekend arrangement for 7 years- the fact he's had his mum involved has been his choice. If he's working 50 hours a week- he's not actually going to be there for all the during the week time he's proposing- that's basically going to be you, and very little to do with him.

SoMuchBadInfo · 06/04/2021 00:37

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SoMuchBadInfo · 06/04/2021 00:43

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altiara · 06/04/2021 00:55

Sounds like he needs to have a proper conversation with his ex. Eg is she working at the weekends, has other DC she takes to classes etc, or mid week does she have clubs/after school club mapped out.

For all we know, they could both be unreasonable or both be reasonable. They just should both be amicable for the poor child in the middle of it.

sticktomygun · 06/04/2021 01:08

@SoMuchBadInfo

I think you're actually taking the piss tbh.

He/you have the child once a fortnight at the weekend?
You think she's "entitled" because she had to go to the csa? (which is the bare minimum already) to get money from him?

An actual joke.

He's barely doing anything for the kid on a day to day basis.

Fraggle40 · 06/04/2021 01:24

He has his child 2 days out of 7 and has now decided he needs a break...

What an ass

TheWitchersWife · 06/04/2021 04:58

Unfortunately for her, she has to kind of suck it up.

Why doesn't the child's father have to just suck it up?
It's his childcare arrangements that have fallen through.
Surely with the child losing the regular contact with their Nan and OP TTC the last thing people should be doing is changing the routine to make their own lives easier when it's been this routine for most of the child's life?
Doesn't sound like anyone in the scenario is thinking about what the child wants or needs.

Also, I was with my Dad every weekend growing up, never knew EOW was a thing until I was in my 20s and joined mumsnet.

UserTwice · 06/04/2021 08:14

A lot of self employed people or contractors work longer hours so enable them to take time off in school holidays etc, they might not necessarily be able to afford to just cut their hours back completely without making up for it at other times.

If OP really is TTC, then it would seem that now is time for a think about what is working pattern might look like long term. No good fighting for a change in custody now, and then having to change again when baby arrives.
If dad is working 50+ hour weeks, then he's going to be no help with a new baby during the week.
If's currently needs a break at weekends after looking after 1 10 year old, it sounds like he might be very little help then either.
I hope that OP has already had this conversation with him and he's made some committments.

If he can adjust his hours, then working more evenly over the year (no having majority of school holidays off) might make more sense, and then he can organise custody around in the most sensible way - taking into account the needs of his ex as well - I note OP hasn't been back to clarify why ex doesn't want weekend custody.
Oh- and I note that he's a DP, not a DH, as well. I think I'd be advising OP to stop TTC until a few things are sorted out first.

RachelRavenRoth · 06/04/2021 09:11

If's currently needs a break at weekends after looking after 1 10 year old, it sounds like he might be very little help then either.
I hope that OP has already had this conversation with him and he's made some commitments

I’m sure op believes what little parenting he does for the ten year old is plenty, as it already encroaches on their social life, and that he will be different with their baby.

FuckyouCovid21 · 06/04/2021 09:29

God help this poor child when the new baby comes along

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