Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Is this unreasonable?

75 replies

Yecal321 · 05/04/2021 15:08

Hi,
At a lost cause really, I’ve been with my partner 7 years now. Throughout the first 4 years his ex made it a living hell. They split on bad terms, they have a child together and I have been in their life since 3. We have a lovely relationship and since being with him he has had his child every weekend plus majority of school holidays as we always do something. My bf mother, child’s grandparent has them usually on a Saturday every other weekend which allowed us as a couple & also him as he works so hard a break. He works 50+ hours a week and has always paid child maintenance as she got csa due to thinking she is entitled to more. Anyhow, circumstances have changed & his mother is quite unwell and is unable to have her grandchildren overnight so my partner has said if things can be changed to every other weekend but will also have child over night during the week and do a school run plus keep school holidays the same. This has caused uproar and she ‘will not allow it’ are we being unreasonable? Is this too much to ask for...this will be the battle we have :(

OP posts:

ParadiseIsland · 05/04/2021 16:31

@Tinydinosaur

He looks after his kid once a week but sends them to his parents every other week because he needs a break? So she has the kid most of the week, but now he wants her to have the kid even more so he can have a break? Do you not see how it's a bit silly that she should take on even more of the child care to give him a break when he does the least already?

Hmm... atm the mum NEVER has her dc at the weekend. That’s a pretty unusual situation for a parent id say... I mean normally parents are in charge 24/7 right?

Also as she also doesnt have the child for a big part of the hols, I’m wondering when she has quality time with her child.

On the other hand, when your DP has his child, he is sending him away. Again I’m wondering if he wants to see his child.

It looks llike no one really wants him tbh.

On an organisation pov, @Yecal321, he had the child one night/two days a week. His proposal, EOW plus one night/day during the week is actually increasing contact time.... I can’t see the issue
The fact He wants this change is because of his mum should have no bearing on the ex/the decision.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 05/04/2021 16:32

The majority of the holidays could be open to interpretation given eight days a month appears to be too much and their is need for a break from it.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 05/04/2021 16:35

My ex wanted all of every weekend, but I wanted downtime with ds as well, so I offered him either EOW or one night every weekend. So I really don’t get the ex here.. unless she works on the weekend? So he’s providing childcare? That said I don’t quite get your partner’s side either.. surely you get every weeknight together?

GladysTheGroovyMule · 05/04/2021 16:37

YABU I think, as the reason you (your partner) wants to reduce contact is so the child’s dad gets a break. He has 5 days a week already where he “gets a break” from parenting. He’s a parent. Many parents don’t get any breaks at all which can be hard but part of having kids 🤷‍♀️

There’s obviously a lot of animosity between the exes already it seems mad to me to stir up a hornets nest and makes things worse. For the record I think the ex was right to go through CMS for child support for that reason alone. Stops conversations about money between them and therefore cuts down on what they argue about.

luxxlisbon · 05/04/2021 16:42

So he wants the absolute bare minimum contact so of course you both are being unreasonable.

ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 05/04/2021 16:51

Yeah this sounds a bit of a joke tbh.

Maybe she said no because she knows your DH won’t actually spend time with their child during the weekday night since “he works so hard”

I agree with PP - he only had his child 4 days out of 14 normally. And even then they were sent to a grandparent for one of those days.

I would rethink TTC if that’s his attitude to his child. “Needing a break” during the only time in the week he has them....

Ikeatears · 05/04/2021 16:54

Get a babysitter every other Saturday🤷🏼‍♀️

Happycat1212 · 05/04/2021 17:01

Wow I’m amazed people are saying the ex is the unreasonable one!! Wtf

Tistheseason17 · 05/04/2021 17:04

How awful that as soon as his mother becomes ill and he has to look after his own child it is too much for him and he is too tired. Jeez - what a parent. Put child first - not difficult.

PixieLaLa · 05/04/2021 17:08

YANBU
It’s funny how people slag off the Dad for having his child every other weekend/spending the other with OP which is totally reasonable....yet the Mum doesn’t want her child ANY weekend??? I don’t know any arrangements like that, really strange.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 05/04/2021 17:12

@PixieLaLa

YANBU It’s funny how people slag off the Dad for having his child every other weekend/spending the other with OP which is totally reasonable....yet the Mum doesn’t want her child ANY weekend??? I don’t know any arrangements like that, really strange.

Dad could always swap and do the five nights in the week ....

Tistheseason17 · 05/04/2021 17:12

@PixieLaLa

YANBU It’s funny how people slag off the Dad for having his child every other weekend/spending the other with OP which is totally reasonable....yet the Mum doesn’t want her child ANY weekend??? I don’t know any arrangements like that, really strange.

Mum has child 5 days out of 7 - we cannot slag her off and we do not know when child arrives/leaves at weekend.

Point is Dad is too tired to see his child 4 days out of 14.

lunar1 · 05/04/2021 17:18

Just get a child minder for the bit of Saturday he needs a break for.

It shouldn't be the default position that because circumstances have changed for your partners childcare that the other parent should pick up the slack without question.

ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 05/04/2021 17:30

yet the Mum doesn’t want her child ANY weekend

Dad doesn’t see his child at all during the week and is now trying to get out of having them when he is supposed to. But yes, let’s shame the woman.

What an appalling mother for not bowing down to the demands of her ex who can’t be arsed spending time with his child...

Btw OP, he sounds exactly like the type of man who lets mother and new partner pick up the slack instead of parenting. I guess you do the majority when the child is with you?

Happycat1212 · 05/04/2021 17:32

But why should the mum have the child ALL week and every other weekend and the day just have the child eow? And no time during the week? The mum is the one doing most of the hard work 🙄 as usual

AnneElliott · 05/04/2021 17:35

Op can you clarify if bf currently has their DS every weekend (of which GM has one night) or every other weekend?

Just bear in mind that he might not be telling you the whole truth. My friend's ex is full of tall tales and actually told the woman who runs the local newsagent that she wouldn't let him see his newborn daughter. The truth was friend was staying at her parents with her DS age 2 and newborn daughter after having a CS as hubby ran off with an OW while she was pregnant. He was too scared to go Over in case he came face to face with her dad! But he never even asked to see the baby. But the lies just rolled off the tongue. Unfortunately for him I was in the queue and told the entire shop what the truth was.

PinkSnowAndStars · 05/04/2021 17:36

Perhaps the mum works every weekend!

Totally plausible. The only reason I’m not doing weekends at the moment is because I’m a healthcare student... soon as I’m qualified back to weekends it is!

PixieLaLa · 05/04/2021 17:43

I just find it really strange that the Mum doesn’t want her child any weekends, yes she has them during the week but that’s after work/school for a few hours in the evening. It doesn’t sound much like quality time spent with her child.

Happycat1212 · 05/04/2021 17:46

I find it strange that the dad only wants his child every other weekend during term time 🤷‍♀️ Imagine not seeing your child for 2 weeks

FangsForTheMemory · 05/04/2021 17:48

I would be wondering what the mother does at the weekend. Has she got a job that means working weekends, caring responsibilities, study?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/04/2021 17:51

It’s a shame both parents are arguing over NOT having the child. Poor thing!

I do agree that it’s odd his exh doesn’t want to have any weekend time, as that’s the best bit, and much nicer than week days. But then again, it’s also a bit crap that your partner wants to reduce the limited time he already has.

No one comes off well imo!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/04/2021 17:52

Except poor old grandma who’s definitely done her bit!

cocacolalalala · 05/04/2021 18:03

My son goes to his dad pretty much every weekend however, if he said he needed some weekend time to himself/spend as a couple - I would get it. we all need some downtime. I don't think he is being unreasonable. Unfortunately for her, she has to kind of suck it up. Maybe three weekends on and one off? Although if she works weekends, I think it's a diff story and the current situation should continue. Can he have DS during week to make up for the weekend?

GrubbyGruber · 05/04/2021 18:27

As far as I understood the OP he currently has his child every weekend, with his mother taking one day every other weekend so he can have one day in every other weekend break (I assume he works all week).

He wants to change to every other weekend and some time in the week instead of every weekend and no time in the week.

How is that unreasonable?

Those saying 'well he can do 5 days a week like Mum', he's asking for weekday contact as far as I can tell so he is going to do some in the week?

I personally would not want to spend every single weekend away from my children and I'm surprised that anyone would turn down weekday contact with the other parent meaning you get some weekend time with your child.

Kids can have fun on a weeknight but I surely can't be the only household where our weeknight and weekends look very different indeed. Weekends are far more fun and enjoyable!

GrubbyGruber · 05/04/2021 18:30

every other weekend but will also have child over night during the week

Did everyone miss this? He isn't asking for jsut every other weekend, he's asking for EOW plus time in the week?

I'm really confused as to how that is unreasonable at all.

I'm assuming if a Mum came here and said her ex refused to ever give her a break over the weekend he'd be called all sorts...?

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread