Do I need a slap? Ruining my life with poor choices

[ShakerMakerGirl]

Can someone please knock some sense into me and give me a virtual slap.

I'm obese, I've got 2 children one 4 and one 5 weeks. I'm completely ruining my life and my kids lives because of my obsession with overeating. Its a 20 year bad habit started due to childhood trauma. This has been overcome with cbt and I still ruin my life with food.
Everyday I tell myself I am going to be better tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes.

My life has been difficult because I have been a carer to my mother since I was 11 and fear I will create similar situation for my own children because of my own poor choices.

I know 2 people my age that have died recently due to lifestyle choices or it at least contributed (one heart attack and one covid) both had young kids. Still has not stopped me choosing this terrible lifestyle!

I get headaches everyday, get out of breath easily and shout at my 4 year old because I have no energy or patience.

I love my children so much. Yet I continue on this path. Do I need some strong words?!

I don’t think you are helping yourself by being so hard on yourself, you’ve just had a baby so give yourself a break.
You can make changes but it will take time to break a habit of 20 years.
I know this is going to sound really obvious and sorry if it comes across as patronising but try breaking it down in to easy achievable steps - like making a meal plan or joining a wight loss club / group. Speak to your GP etc, don’t try to do it alone .

Well, in the kindest possible way, you are an adult, not a child, so I'm interested why you think you need "strong words" or "a slap" to get you to look after yourself?

You know all of the risks and issues that these lifestyle choices can cause. No one is going to tell you anything you don't already know or make changes for you.

If you are struggling with making positive changes then I'd suggest a counsellor might be able to help?

Well @ShakerMakerGirl I won't give you a slap as you do not deserve it. You had a very hard start to life by the sounds of it.
I will say that you are right, you are completely ruining your life and potentially your kids lives IF you let this slide further.
May I point you over here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/weight_loss_chat/4206214-LOSE-IT-April-2021
We are a jolly band - one woman on our thread (there long before I joined) has completely changed her body and life.
We hold each other's hand through the tough times and celebrate each others victories. I would urge you to weigh in now and see what you are dealing with then post it on there and set yourself a goal by the end of the month.
If you are BF you must not cut calories much but you can up the exercise. Do you have a supportive partner to help you? If so, tell him/her you are unhappy and you cannot go on like this and he/she should facilitate you.
Remember this wasn't caused overnight, and won't be fixed overnight and you have a very tiny baby.

How old are you OP? Have you any diagnosed health problems currently?

Go easy on yourself. I agree with talking to your GP, start with smaller more manageable changes. Maybe some low impact exercise like walking with a friend.

Deciding that you are going to make some changes is the first step.

What I would do is

1. get out for a walk every day. This will do all three of you some good generally as well as helping you with your physical health.

2. don't buy any more unhealthy food so that you don't have it in the house.

3. meal plan seven meals that you and your son will enjoy eat. They don't have to be ridiculously healthy just more healthy than you are having now.

Why would a slap or unkind words help you? You need to love yourself enough to take care of yourself. No one else can change how you’re living and how you abuse or cherish your body, only you control that.

It sounds like you’re nearly in the right place to make positive changes. It needs to come from a place of positivity and self appreciation, not self loathing because that just guarantees you’ll sabotage yourself.

Are you breastfeeding your baby? If so then focus on eating plenty of fruit, veg and complex carbs.

Thanks for your comments, I am 35. No diagnosed problems yet. I'm very surprised I've got away with it so far. Although I couldn't have a waterbirth as I wanted because of my weight. It was the first time medically they have said anything!

My husband is very supportive but works a lot so I spend a lot of time alone with small kids which I know doesn't help! Yes it's a 20 year habit but I have tried and failed to deal with it for years so not something I'm trying to address overnight.

Sadly I can't afford counselling whilst on maternity. I've brought it up in cbt and psychotherapy which was to address the childhood trauma but they never made any suggestions. I think they just wanted to prioritise my depression at the time. I am not depressed I am mentally well. I just can't seem to break this negative cycle even now I have children!

Well you know you’re overeating and you know why so that’s a good start. If you feel the therapy helped you deal with the underlying causes, then it is probably just habitual now so you need to break the habit. The only way to break a habit is through will power I’m afraid.

Obviously you’ve only just had a baby and you don’t want to do anything drastic if you’re breastfeeding so start small. Instead of reducing the amount you eat, can you start with swapping junk for healthier options? So you still get the comfort of that ‘full’ feeling but it’s more nourishing food? Increase your fluid intake to at LEAST 2 litres of water plus plenty of hot drinks, that will make you feel fuller as well?

If you eat a lot of carbs, you’ll feel hungrier quicker so gradually reducing those in favour of protein foods will help long term. As will moving more again just starting small. An exercise video after you’ve had you post natal check up. Even if you sit out most of it, start small and try to do more and more.

Small acts of self love also help. Do your nails while baby naps, moisturise your feet and hands. Do you have a partner who can take over the DC while you have a face mask or a bath with a body scrub/shave legs undisturbed?

I used to think stuff was like was pointless as I was such a fat whale, having soft feet or shaved legs wouldn’t change anything! I was very wrong though as taking care of my outside made me want to take care of my inside too.

I have had to stop breastfeeding sadly as I couldn't produce enough milk and my daughters latch issues. So that won't be an issue in reducing calories. It's my addiction to crap food that's the problem!

You definitely don't need a slap OP! Everyone would find it tough in your shoes.

When I'm trying to be healthier, I don't find 'negative' behaviours works for me, like 'I won't eat this'. Can you reimagine it positively? Such as 'I'm going to try to include more veggies'?

Like a PP suggested planning a week's worth of meals and shopping and getting an online order so you aren't tempted as you go around? We do weekly meal planning, and apart from being cheaper it also takes a lot of the nightly stress away too. A bit of work at first, but you can reuse the plans again in the future for ease. Sure there's stuff online you could adapt too.

A daily walk is a good idea, even if really short with your 5 week old. It's a positive choice, and the right time to do it coming into spring. It's amazing for your mental health and feel-good factor.

I am sorry about the breast feeding. I really struggled with DD1 and felt immense guilt but she is just about to finish her first year at Uni so it didn't do her any harm long term!
@SmashedAvocado is right, try to carve out a little time for yourself and care for your body. It grew two beautiful children so it deserves your care and attention.

Draw a line in the sand now not tomorrow or Wednesday or next Monday but right now that from this point on you will only put things into your special body that nurture it and make it better. If you can, go right now and get on those scales. Write it down and then in the morning do it again and keep caring for yourself and seeing your progress every day. You can do this but only if you want to and I think you do as otherwise you are just wasting your time posting here.
Join us: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/weight_loss_chat/4206214-LOSE-IT-April-2021
When you are tempted to eat something that is destroying your life,
post instead ( and we all fall off the wagon sometimes on the thread) Only you can make this happen so ask yourself are you in or out?

You don’t need a slap but you do need to face up to the fact you are going to cause yourself all types of problems in the future if you don’t change.

You don’t have to lose 3 stone in a month,
You don’t have to live on vegetables or banish everything calorific from your life.

All you need to do is make some small incremental changes.

Rome wasn’t built in a day and we can’t change 20 year old habits overnight either.

But you must make a start. Now.

Every day just set some small goals. Rather than eating 5 slices of toast just eat 3.
Rather than having a whole bar of chocolate, have 3/4s.
You see where I’m going with this.
Do not restrict because you WILL end up binging.

YouTube some weight loss / emotional eating / binging videos, get some hints and tips from people who have been through it.

Talk about it in real life, make it real. Tell your husband you need change. Ask your HCV that you need help. Seek support from your GP.

You don’t need to be ashamed or hard on yourself but you do need to face and talk about the reality because denial just enables you to continue.

You can do it, it’s not impossible. You will feel so strong and capable when you realise that you can make this change.

brainoverbinge.com/brain-over-binge-free-pdf/

This book has really helped me like nothing else did. There's a free pdf you can get. Good luck!

Not to be annoying but OP, you can definitely do it. I have recently lost a stone in four weeks through eating a low carb, lowish calorie diet (1200 calories per day) and After the first few days it was easy and enjoyable, and my headaches have all but disappeared! I was about 12 stone when I started so not super overweight, but not healthy either.

Make small incremental changes. I honestly found MyFitnessPal to be a godsend when changing my lifestyle - its really helpful to track what you eat and how much you move.

Another thing that helps is: what non-food based treats do you have in your life? If none, get some (my personal fave is nail polish as it can be cheap and cheerful and never fails to make me feel nice!) and use that to reward yourself, or cheer yourself up. Get rid of the notion that unhealthy food is a ‘treat’.

My other advice would be high protein and lots of bright colourful salad and veg. Things like adding salt, pepper and chilli flakes can take these foods from dull to absolutely delicious. Fill your plate and you won’t feel like you’re depriving yourself at all. Drink loads of water too.

The weight loss board on mumsnet is very supportive.

Fair play to you for acknowledging your decisions.

To be honest, I don’t necessarily buy in to the whole ‘I overeat because of trauma etc....’

I think it’s just that food tastes lovely. I get a lot out of food myself and I have a ridiculous sweet tooth. I really enjoy takeaway etc and it’s not to do with my emotional well being, I simply love the taste 🤷‍♀️

I’m not saying there isn’t an emotional association for some but at the en of the day, it simply tastes nice so we crave the salt, sugar etc... if we’re feeling shit then it’s easier to justify eating it ti make ourselves feel better but ultimately it’s because it tastes so good.

I also believe some people have a faster metabolism so can eat more unhealthy food than the next person without putting as much weight on.

It’s difficult OP, but you’ve taken the first step

When did you last have counselling? Has anyone ever suggested your unhealthy relationship with food is rooted in mental health problems? Or that you are self harming with food as a coping mechanism? Can you talk to your gp, or self refer for more cbt?

Counting calories is a really good idea! It puts into perspective exactly how much you are over eating
It's hard to justify eating for 2 when you know that's how many calories your consuming
Also what type of crap food is it that you love? There are lots of healthier options and tasty ones

One tip........instead of thinking "tommorrow Ill do better" try thinking, "Ill do better during the next hour" or "I didnt do well this morning but Ill do better this afternoon"
Take smaller steps. xx

I don't think you need a slap or harsh words, you're not going to help yourself by bullying yourself. The only thing we can offer is other perspectives and advice. Here's mine:

You need to reframe what you are telling yourself. Your OP contains a ton of excuses. 'I had a hard life because...' 'I struggle to do x because y'. Don't allow yourself to excuse current behaviour, push it aside and focus on the now - which is your children. Change it to 'I have had struggles, and I'm not going to make life the same for my own children, so I'm going to fight to do what's best for me'

In terms of weightloss and eating less, there's great advice on old threads here. My biggest tip would be to switch your snacks for fruit and veg. Cut up tons of veg - peppers or carrots and dip into a light hummus, or same with fruit and yoghurt. It will be difficult for a week, and then it'll just become normal. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable for a while.

I hear you @ShakerMakerGirl. We’ve had a really stressful few years and my go to is comfort food. I need to lose about 4 stone to get to a healthy weight.
I’m pretty together in all other aspects of my life. Have lovely kids, a happy marriage, good career etc. But I just can’t seem to sort this out. I lost a stone last year with intermittent fasting and felt great. I’ve put it all back on since Christmas. Now I feel like crap. This weekend has been full of headaches and low energy thanks to binge eating Easter goodies.
Fancy supporting each other? I’m back at work tomorrow and going to get back on the IF.

It would be helpful to know what kind of junk you eat OP. With a tiny baby you probably don’t have much time to think about what you’re eating (and lack of sleep doesn’t help), to calorie count or to prepare complicated recipes.

If you eat chips can you swop them for sweet potato wedges - peel and cut into chunks and chunk them in the oven with a little bit of olive oil. I add some paprika and garlic and find normal chips tasteless now. You can still do normal ones for the rest of the family.

Swop crisps and biscuits for rice cakes with peanut butter and apple slices on top, cheese or jam.

Try gluten free bread for sandwiches and toast? I feel much less bloated when I eat less wheat. It costs more than normal bread but even if you swop half and keep it in the freezer for toast it makes a difference.

Porridge with chopped banana and nuts or berries topped with honey for breakfast instead of sugary cereals. Tesco do a big pot of protein fromage frais for £1 that I mix with fruit, nuts and honey and lasts me 3/4 days.

I keep tins of filling soup in the cupboard that I can just whack in the microwave if I feel hungry in the afternoon instead of grabbing biscuits.

A hi juice squash and sparkling water instead of coke.

I also keep a bit of last nights dinner to have for lunch the next day instead of grabbing junk. Stuff like chilli or taco mix to have with tortilla chips or a portion of cottage pie etc.

Even just adapting one meal a day to healthier options is a start.

I don’t think a slap would help at all! Try to be kinder to yourself. I am listening to a book called The Kindness Method, it is really easy to listen to by someone who has had her own struggles.It may be a good starting point. I have a a rule I can only listen to audio books when I am out walking to keep me moving. There is also a really good thread on the exercise board at the moment from someone who has really made changes and set herself targets www.mumsnet.com/Talk/exercise/a4185985-Morbidly-obese-I-want-to-walk-up-these-steps
It sounds like you have spent a lot of time caring for others, now is the time to try and show yourself some care.

Oooh OP have just remembered - have you ever heard of Walk with Leslie? She is a YouTuber who just does walking videos. You can do 10/20/30min videos - i think the 10min one is about a mile if you keep pace? You can do them from home and the sense of achievement might be quite nice. You just walk and have a cheerful American woman tell you how great you’re doing!

You want to change which is the first step! I lost 3 stone a few years ago and have largely kept it off. The changes I made were to only drink on Saturday nights, cut down on carbs and up my protein and vegetables, only eat carbs I really liked (so not just for the sake of it), and if I wanted something sweet I had to bake it first (ie I had to put some effort in!). I tried to make sure all meals were things I actually wanted to eat, just slightly healthier versions of things I really liked. I also tried to walk a little more, I used to take the long way back from playgroup rather than the shortest way for example. Combined it all worked for me!

You age very self aware , and pretty tough on yourself

Ok I know this will sound as cheesy as fuck , but once you love yourself the health stuff follows

Start small baby steps

But I fear that this self loathing will become a major barrier for you

No one is asking you to be Gwyneth Paltrow here
But step counting
Daily exercise
Maximising the fruit and veg is a good start for spring time

Much of this is emotional and even if therapy isn’t something you can manage right , so some reeding up
Watch some Ted talks about self
Love and self care and healing

You will find people who have been through this