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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let people know the truth

70 replies

Iona345 · 05/04/2021 06:42

I've had a very traumatic divorce over the last few years. Exh left me for someone else but refused to admit it. He just reworked his story.

He lied about everything. He lied on his court papers. He lied about his plans to set up with OW. He got a larger settlement to allow him to move on independently. I could take him back to court but can't face more trauma.

He's now in a large property with OW.

The pain of my young children going there and returning with stories of the OW, the exciting big house causes blunt but short lived pain. I've made peace with it to an extent where it doesn't hurt like it used to.

Day to day I'm Ok. We had a couple of friends who now visit them. I've backed away from them but I just have this burning need to get in contact with them now. I feel I've been silenced throughout. I just want to be heared, for then to know the truth - maybe they figured it out but I'm not sure. I spoke to one joint friend that neither of us have been in contact with, they needed help on a work matter I could help with and got in contact, and I was astonished that they'd assumed what had happened, that he'd run off with someone else. I felt so much better.

But it's these two friend couples that I was close with too, that I can't shake wanting to get in contact with.

I don't want to blow things up and think they'd be discreet, neither of them are volatile, but I feel sad about the loss of their friendship and bring cheated out of the truth.

It's not revenge, I'd hate for Exh to know I spoke to them and to be honest I'm really scared he'd find out I did. It's not easy to know how it would go. But I can't shake off the need to do this.

Would it be the wrong thing to do to get in contact?

OP posts:
SecretCiderCellar · 05/04/2021 06:51

First, I’m sorry this happened. But honestly, what difference will it make to tell them? Even a teenager who’s been though a breakup knows that there’s seldom a shared objectively truthful narrative of what happened.

Stickytreacle · 05/04/2021 06:51

As hard as it is, what difference do you think that them knowing the truth will make? If he's living with the OW I suspect that they already know anyway. Relationships fail all the time for a multitude of reasons, and while it seems like a huge deal to you for people to know the 'whys', to other people it's probably completely irrelevant. I feel you'd be opening yourself up to a world of trouble and hurt if you get in touch.

BraveGoldie · 05/04/2021 06:55

OP, I am saying this with all sympathy (similar thing happened with me), but no I wouldn't.

If you were still in touch with them, then maybe - you of course have every right to say your truth..... but you say you feel sad at the loss of the friendship. If you are really sorry these people aren't in your life then by all means initiate contact (it should be possible to both be friends with the same people)... but don't do it by bad mouthing your ex. That will convince them it's impossible to be friends with both of you, and looks like they made their choice already.

You say it's not revenge, but you are basically not wanting them to think well if your ex or the OW..... so that would screw the friendship. Wouldn't get you anything, would it? I also had a huge temptation to tell lots of people- any time I saw people speaking/ thinking well if him (including his new next door neighbour who really liked him or parents at my DD's school who would tell me he was a good dad because he did pick ups.)... I am very glad I resisted most of the time.

drpet49 · 05/04/2021 06:55

You have protected them all this time. I would tell people my side of the story.

loffie · 05/04/2021 07:00

I still feel great pain about the friends I lost in my break up with my ex.

I don't feel anything for him now, not even rage, but I deeply miss them.

I don't think speaking your truth would make any difference.

Stillfunny · 05/04/2021 07:01

I understood how you feel. I want the world to know that my STBXDH is such a liar , cheat, perve. But , guess what , they dont CARE. Unfair as it sounds, that is the truth . They don't want to get involved, get asked to pick sides . And you will come across as bitter and deranged. I speak from experience. It is not fair and it isnt right .
Perhaps concentrate on being able to deal with the situation you are in. Try not to take it too badly when the kids talk about his house. It is only stuff and kids are easily impressed. As they get older , they will appreciate that you are their stable, reliable parent.

Original poster
Iona345 · 05/04/2021 07:05

Thank you for being kind. I was worried I'd be slammed for being vengeful. It's not about that, id have done this in a very different way a long time ago in a very different way if so.

I just can't seem to get the thought out of my head. I suppose part I'd it is that it is galling they have created a false truth and seems some are supporting that.

But I felt so much lighter when my other friend just said, well its obvious what he's done.

OP posts:
Moomoolandmoomooland · 05/04/2021 07:11

I think most people with an ounce of sense would be able to work out what has happened. Most relationships I know of have ended because of affairs. Even when people swear until they're blue in the face there is no OW/OM, someone usually comes crawling out of the woodwork very soon after.

Unfortunately, when relationships breakdown, people do 'take sides'. Even knowing full well what has gone on, they do still take the side of the person who had the affair. Just like what has happened to you. Think realistically what you would like to achieve out of telling these friends and if that would really happen? Do you hope that everyone will cast aside your cheating ex and only ever be your friend again? Because I doubt that will happen. It hurts to lose friends following a breakup, probably more than the relationship itself. But unfortunately, it happens and you can't really control what others do.

itsgettingwierd · 05/04/2021 07:12

I wouldn't.

A true friend will have noticed the truth for themselves or taken the time and effort to figure and find it out.

You need friends who have your back and sill make the effort to support you.

Now things are opening up is there any local groups you could join to make some like minded friends and build your future away from the ex and friends friends attached to that?

loffie · 05/04/2021 07:16

@Iona345 Honestly, in my case, the dearest friends I lost knew exactly what he had done. But it was easier for the couples to stay friends with my ex and his replacement, than with the then single woman.

Sometimes people just make a choice to suit their lifestyles as opposed to what is ethically right. I could have understood them picking sides if it had been a mutual breakup, but he cheated on me. And I didn't even ask them to take sides. They just did.

I'm really sorry you're hurting, but I've been where you are now, and I think you're spending energy on something you can't change. Take the shortcut of redirecting that energy into building a better friendship group and working on yourself.

Original poster
Iona345 · 05/04/2021 07:18

I have "my" friends who of course have been fully supportive. I also appreciate the awkward position joint friends are placed in in these circumstances.

That's why it's so confusing for me and a bit silly I suppose. I don't want them to stop seeing him, I suppose it's just validation from people I thought cared about me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iona345 · 05/04/2021 07:20

@loffie I think you've made a really valid point re lifestyle there actually. Could well be it.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 05/04/2021 07:22

If they are visiting him then they know

Original poster
Iona345 · 05/04/2021 07:29

@Theunamedcat maybe. You'd think so, but he is a particularly skilled manipulator.

OP posts:
Wiredforsound · 05/04/2021 07:29

While I wouldn’t phone up people just to tell them i certainly wouldn’t hide it and I would be entirely honest if asked or if it came up in conversation. Remember that this is your story too and you have the absolute right to speak your truth. You owe him nothing and have no reason to protect him or his reputation.

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/04/2021 07:30

Tell them. Speak your truth. What possible reason would you have to lie about something like that - which hurts you to lie?

Don’t give it another thought: talk to your friends about the reality of what happened.

Brew
Pumpkyumpkyumpkin · 05/04/2021 07:40

I think you need to question what you'd be trying to achieve. I ended a long unhappy relationship after years of EA, and a number of couple friends sided with him because he'd been dumped and was heartbroken. No-one had a clue what our relationship was like or how much courage it had taken me to finally leave. One was slagging me off to another friend at the school gates about what a cow I was to dump him like that and it was alright for me getting on and enjoying my life whilst he was struggling to cope.

I weighed up telling those people but decided against it...they'd already made their choice who to side with, and I figured if they told him what I'd said, even in passing, it could rake up unpleasantness I really didn't need when trying to manage everything else. If they'd been true friends and / or interested in my side of the story, they'd have asked.

Different circumstances i know but I genuinely think you need to work out if things will be in fact 'better' if you do tell them, or actually worse, if for example they say they knew anyway and aren't bothered, or they go and shit stir with your ex.

Pesimistic · 05/04/2021 07:42

It's best to just leave it. He would have told them his story, you getting in contact to tell your half will only make you look how he wants you to look. Theyve clearly chosen him 5o side with so just leave it. Move on and don't give him a seconds thought. Yes he's 'won't but does it realy matter. You are free to get on with your own life now and make it happy and forfilling, let him get on with his, he will fuck it up any way at some point, these people always do.

Mindymomo · 05/04/2021 07:45

I would get in contact with your friends and ask for a get together. If the chance arises, I would just add in conversation, small snippets of what went on and take it from there. If they are good friends, they will already see it from your side.

ravenmum · 05/04/2021 08:14

These are friends who meet up with your ex and know he's moved straight out of one relationship and into the next? I'd also assume they think it's obvious but that you evidently don't want to talk about it, or don't think it's worth discussing.

I don't really understand why you haven't already mentioned it. It happens the whole time. Even the Prime Minister can do this and come out with a reputation for just being a bit of a naughty boy. You could have just told people from the outset what was going on rather than making it a big secret.

Why are you scared of your ex finding out you've been openly talking about what he's been openly doing?

ravenmum · 05/04/2021 08:17

I wouldn't ask anyone to pick sides, mind. Is that what you're imagining?

denverRegina · 05/04/2021 08:20

You'd be scared to tell people that he cheated on you? Why?

You don't owe him anything and it will make no difference to him or to anyone else.

The sad fact is that nobody is even nearly as bothered as you. Everyone will have an idea that there was some cheating going on but will just think "bit shitty but not my business" and then they'll move on.

You have to try and move on too.

pasturesgreen · 05/04/2021 08:20

Leave it, OP. They've chosen his side, you may feel better momentarily after telling them your side of events, but in the long run it's best if you move on.

denverRegina · 05/04/2021 08:22

As for them not knowing because he's a "particularly skilled manipulator"...give them some credit. They all are when you're as involved as you but most will see through him

MiaowMiaow99 · 05/04/2021 08:29

If someone bounces from a marriage and sets up immediately with someone else, it's very obvious who caused the marriage to breakdown.
Those friends will know, and likey, knew for a while. Remember, the wife is always last to know.
If your social group was couples where the friendship link was the men to your husband, then they'll carry on being friends with him and his new plus one.
It happens all the time.
I cant see how 'having your say' will change their view of him or their friendship. They've likey worked it out and are ok with it.