To let people know the truth

[Iona345]

I've had a very traumatic divorce over the last few years. Exh left me for someone else but refused to admit it. He just reworked his story.

He lied about everything. He lied on his court papers. He lied about his plans to set up with OW. He got a larger settlement to allow him to move on independently. I could take him back to court but can't face more trauma.

He's now in a large property with OW.

The pain of my young children going there and returning with stories of the OW, the exciting big house causes blunt but short lived pain. I've made peace with it to an extent where it doesn't hurt like it used to.

Day to day I'm Ok. We had a couple of friends who now visit them. I've backed away from them but I just have this burning need to get in contact with them now. I feel I've been silenced throughout. I just want to be heared, for then to know the truth - maybe they figured it out but I'm not sure. I spoke to one joint friend that neither of us have been in contact with, they needed help on a work matter I could help with and got in contact, and I was astonished that they'd assumed what had happened, that he'd run off with someone else. I felt so much better.

But it's these two friend couples that I was close with too, that I can't shake wanting to get in contact with.

I don't want to blow things up and think they'd be discreet, neither of them are volatile, but I feel sad about the loss of their friendship and bring cheated out of the truth.

It's not revenge, I'd hate for Exh to know I spoke to them and to be honest I'm really scared he'd find out I did. It's not easy to know how it would go. But I can't shake off the need to do this.

Would it be the wrong thing to do to get in contact?

I was spectacularly vocal about what happened to me. I really, really wish I wasn't.
Yes it was so painful & I really hated him & wanted everyone to know what a scum bag he was. Especially all our friends. But now I just don't feel that way, and my friends are still his friends. I'm glad really, but I don't see them as much, I've moved on and made other friends of my own. Life feels peaceful.
I do sympathise but I don't think it will give you the peace of mind you think it will, just the opposite,

No not asking to take sides.

I guess they all already know. They are smart people. We all have friends that we don't necessarily agree on their life choices, that's fine.

Maybe I just need to hear them say it for some reason for validation.

I just felt so much better when my other friend just knew, sympathised, allowed me my truth but I wouldn't begrudge them contact with him thereafter.

I think what bothers me is probably my imagining they've set up a Disney truth and I feel like a fool.

I just think I fear any repercussions.

My ex-h told people how hard done to he was throughout our marriage to try & salvage some respect for himself.
People know. These friends will more than likely know, especially if they knew you well.
They may act shocked & hurt for you when you tell them, but if it doesn't change things and they still rock up for dinner dates with your ex & his partner purely because they like their company, would that not make you feel worse?

What kind of repercussions? You think he'd get arsey about contact arrangements or something?

Honestly, if you're not asking anyone to take sides, you could just drop it in in passing as if you assumed everyone already knew it. "I'm piling on the pounds in lockdown - such a shame, the weight loss was the only good thing to come out of Tom's affair, haha!"

You need to learn to not care, it isn't easy, but once you're further down the line and life has moved on you'll realise that other people knowing is unimportant. Put your energies into a new life and new friends, expending emotion and energy on this wont help you move on.

It's true that it does feel very important at the time. I was horrified to discover what stories my exh had been telling about me - a lot of it not just lies, but the opposite of what had really happened.
But the thing is, I did just openly tell people what was going on - without expecting them to take sides, either - and the general response was a total lack of interest. If they believe what I told them, they evidently don't think it's worth ending a friendship for. Or maybe they don't believe what I said - who knows. But that reaction goes for his stories too.

I completely understand the desire to tell them but no good will come of it OP. They will mostly likely already know but have made the decision to remain friends with him anyway.

There's no way of saying anything without you looking like a bitter, twisted ex-wife - I absolutely don't think you are that but sadly that's how women are portrayed in these scenarios, as someone to be pitied.

Hold your head high and focus on the friends who truly care and have rallied round. Best to let these friendship go/remain very casual.

Sorry your ex was such a shit

There's no way of saying anything without you looking like a bitter, twisted ex-wife
I disagree. You don't have to go in cursing him. You could just mention it in passing as I suggested above. If anyone thinks you are bitter and twisted simply for mentioning that your ex cheated on you, then they are total dicks anyway and you're well rid!

Op
He would have got that settlement irrespective of plans with OW

Courts indifferent to affairs / relationships

You would be surprised at what your "friends" already know. No matter what way you tell your story it will only push people away. In my situation i sat tight, fought the temptation to shout from the rooftops and was confident that ex's mask would fall. Eventually the mask did fall and i am so relived i kept my mouth shut amd my dignity in place. Make new friends and focus on building your life around genuine people who will support you in future

I completely understand what you mean. My DDs dad has told all his family and friends I have stopped him seeing her but I have been the one constantly trying to get him to see her and him refusing. It makes me angry that they think he is something he’s not.

But the truth always comes out in the end. And you taking the higher ground will show what a good person you are and they will feel silly for believing his lies.

Not telling people openly supports this peculiar attitude that you should be ashamed.

What country do those of you come from who think that women should help their husbands hide their cheating or they are bitter and twisted?

By and large, people don't want to get involved in drama.

People know 'the truth', but they also know that marriages break up for all kinds of reasons, all the time. Some of my dearest friends are (boo! hiss!) adulterers. A very large proportion of the people reading and responding to your thread will be too. It feels momentous to you, but to your friends it's just a bit of (hopefully temporary) drama that you will soon come to terms with.

It's a cliche because it's true - the best revenge is living well.

OP. you have been through a lot. Please please go for work counselling. You need to work through all of this trauma.

Sometimes people just don't want to see it my ex was arrested for sexual assault ended our marriage obviously, the police dropped the case everyone believed he was innocent he used it claiming "ptsd" and depression for years cried to everyone how Unreasonable i was to choose my child over him tries to turn our children against there sibling then he got arrested for rape suprise suprise he is the victim again she "made it up" to "hurt him" she wanted him back she is a nut she got in the way of his bond with his children him and his family harassed her out of her home and she dropped the charges so apparently he is "innocent" now he is claiming depression again he cant work apparently (he does cash in hand work) his family and his friends KNOW him they always have yet they still stick by him and blame me and everyone else for his choices and HIS MISTAKES even his poor relationship with his children is my fault despite the fact that HE stopped contact HE reduced contact HE IS STILL THE INNOCENT PARTY

Personally? I stepped back if someone asks me I tell the truth otherwise I just get on with my life I did spend a good couple of years at the beginning stressed about it trying to clear my name trying to make the kids see him because I didnt want to be the bad guy it was pointless it extended the drama now its over and done he tries to cause drama my response? I cant tell you how relieved I am to be away from the soap opera (I said it too his face too that went down like a sack of rocks)

Chin up move on

If it makes you feel better, do it, I would

I wouldn't bother. The 'friends' have already chosen who they side
with so why would you want to add fuel to the drama. It won't get you anywhere apart from being the crazy ex and exh can say 'I told you so' 🤷. Best to get on with your life and he will fall down in time anyway. Good luck.

What on earth is there to be gained here? I doubt if the friends would care to be honest, shit happens when people split up, people cheat, people move on. It’s life.

You’re doing to make yourself look ridiculous if you start beating the victim drum to these people.

It sounds like you’re having difficulty letting go of your bitterness. Telling people won’t solve this. Maybe some counselling to deal with this might help.

It's cathartic that's what is to gain

Which is it, then? People don't care, or people will think OP is a crazy bitter woman?

I'm honestly amazed so many people would hide this. I've clearly "gone native" having lived outside the UK so long. Here, most people I know have simply said "X has met someone else and we're divorcing", no trying to hide anything, no big reveal years later.

When you break up, you inevitably have to break up with some friends too. Your friends will support you, his friends will support him.

I understand your reasons for wanting to spill the story & have your truth heard - really I do.

But when a couple breaks up friends will inevitably pick sides & it seems these friends are no longer your friends - they are his now.

So revealing the secret that he's had an affair will only make you seem bitter, vengeful & gossipy.

Take the high road - say nothing. You know your truth & anyone with any sense will see that he's moved on quickly & this isn't a coincidence.

You don't have to protect your ex like it's a secret, but I wouldn't go telling people who still associate with him, because it won't change anything. It won't stop them socialising, or think less of him.

They won't want to get involved or in between, they won't take your side & suddenly become your friends only - they picked their side in the breakup as they feel a loyalty to him as their primary friend.

I do understand your frustration & desire to speak to these people but you just have to accept you've lost these friendships & they weren't worth having - they were not YOUR real friends or they would be socialising with you, not him.

It hurts to lose friends in a break up, but it's just one of those things...

You will come out with your dignity intact & look a lot classier if you say nothing & keep a dignified silence to his friends

Bitch about him to your mates you have your back - you will get a better, more supportive response from them.

This image you have of his mates being shocked & appalled so they will cut of contact with your ex is not going to happen - sharing this information won't have the outcome you want.

I don’t think people choose their friends because they admire their morals and ethics.

The world might be a better place if they did but it just doesn’t work like that.

Thank you all. Some really sound advice. Just talking about it takes the edge off the need.

The absolute conflicting opinion of the responses is exactly why I've been mulling it over so long. And why I've left it is I've learned being reactive hardly ever works out well.

So yes, I do deserve my truth, it probably will be cathartic but maybe it is best to leave it. I imagine these friends know, have chosen to accept that and I just need to find peace with that.

And yes, if they were that opinionated with it they would have reached out to me already.

So difficult.