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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go into a smoky house? (After lockdown)

51 replies

Sprockerdilerock · 04/04/2021 20:13

First baby due in the summer. DHs parents are HEAVY smokers. They both smoke indoors and have done for years so the house absolutely reeks. They dont think it does because 'they only smoke in the living room' but it's the whole house. If my DH pops in I can smell him from a mile off even if hes only been in there for a few minutes. Weve been to stay a few nights before and I've had to wash all my clothes/slippers/coat etc after.

I dont want to take my baby there, ever. We get invited round for meals often (pre covid) but I've read about the risk of SIDs from second/thirdhand smoke and its not one I'm prepared to take.

We have approached the subject carefully and PILs were really really offended. Apparently it's fine, they were raised in a smoking household, so was my DH and his siblings and it's never done any of them any harm. They have said they wont smoke inside while we are there anymore but I dont even want to be in the house tbh.

The last thing I want to do is cause a rift between us and DHs family but it looks like that's the way its heading at the moment as they absolutely love to host.

So AIBU to not take my baby there ever even if they dont smoke while we are there?

OP posts:
AllTheWayFromLondonDAMN · 04/04/2021 20:24

You aren’t being unreasonable or precious. I’d be exactly the same. It’s awkward, but stand by your convictions on this one. What does your husband say?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 04/04/2021 20:25

No, I’d not visit a smokers house either. We stuck by it for play dates etc as well. Whilst we can’t protect against everything, the things we can such as second hand smoke etc we do.

Tinydinosaur · 04/04/2021 20:42

Nope. No way would I take my child in a house where people smoke inside. No one would even hold my child after smoking. I told my mum this when I got pregnant and she stopped.

user1493413286 · 04/04/2021 20:45

I know very few people who smoke in their own homes but of the houses I have been in it’s awful and i wouldn’t want to go with or without a baby.

MsVestibule · 04/04/2021 21:26

Nope, YADNBU. I absolutely wouldn't do this and would live with the repercussions. What does your DH think?

FireflyRainbow · 04/04/2021 21:36

Babies health is far more important then them being offended.

Frownette · 04/04/2021 21:36

No that's fairy nuff. Don't take baby there. Meet outdoors?

PenfoldPenny · 04/04/2021 21:56

YANBU. I would have had the same trouble with my inlaws when my two were born........ but didnt because the ILs suddenly decided to move abroad when our eldest was a tiny baby so that was that. MIL tragically died two weeks later which was absolutely awful, I loved her. But I was extremely relieved I never had to take my baby to passive smoke in their house. Almost 20 years on and FIL has never shown any interest in his grandkids.

LifesLittleDeciders · 04/04/2021 21:58

My dad is a heavy chain smoker (I have been a smoker but quit when TTC) - he smokes in the house, or used too should I say. I’m sure he still does when we’re not expected to visit. But when I got pregnant and when DD was born we laid down the rules, if he continues to smoke in the house we will not visit. He’s welcome to visit us but in clean clothes and smoke free for as long as he can handle and if he needs to smoke it’s outside with doors closed and he stays outside for 10 minutes post-fag to air out as much as possible.

Aswell as the obviously SIDS risk and other health risks, the smell of stale smoke can linger on clothes well after they’ve been washed too and it’s absolutely vile. I can’t believe I used to smell like that!

He’s been pretty good especially when DD was a newborn, she was premature and underweight so I think he realised how vital it was that we kept her as healthy as possible to get her on the right track. - but I have noticed as she’s got older (15M now) that the staying outside has shortened and the smoking is more regular. He’s dropping out of line but I keep DD away from it as much as I physically can.

Pumpkyumpkyumpkin · 04/04/2021 22:03

My grandparents house was like this when I was young, I hated going there. Ceilings were yellow, windows never open and the smoke used to swirl around in a haze 24/7. Vile. I remember being so upset after I'd taken my new Cabbage Patch doll there with me, they used to smell of baby powder and after that visit it lost its special smell and just stank of smoke, never got rid of the stench.

Stick to your guns OP!

NichyNoo · 04/04/2021 22:04

My sister is in the same position with her MIL. Her DD is now age 6 and has never been in her Gran’s house. They send us a Christmas card, I open it to read it then throw it straight in the bin as it stinks of smoke. Very sad, but stick to your guns because it’s possible - it won’t stop them smoking but will save you from having to wash every item of clothing after you visit.

Itsokthanks · 04/04/2021 22:05

Yanbu I wouldn't want to go in without a baby either. Sounds grim.

DontBeRidiculous · 04/04/2021 22:09

Yuck, a stinky smoker's house is such a miserable place to visit. Tbh, I wouldn't want to go for my own sake. It's so selfish of them to prioritise their wish to "host" over your comfort and concerns for your child.

Do they have a garden they can host in? I suppose even that is a step in the wrong direction, though, because once you're there, they may make it more difficult for you to refuse to go inside, and you'll have to go in to use the toilet, wash hands, etc.

Lavanderrose · 04/04/2021 22:12

Ugh, that’s vile. Op I wouldn’t go either.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/04/2021 22:18

I wouldn't set foot in that house, never mind my child. Not in a million years. Perhaps explain to your in-laws that freedom of choice works both ways, and your choices can have consequences. They choose to smoke, and smoke in their home, you have made the choice not to subject your baby to harm. Therefore, they can visit at your home.

Do NOT back down on this one.

MixedUpFiles · 04/04/2021 22:22

I would not go into a house where someone smoked and my child would absolutely not ever enter the home. Visits would have to be elsewhere.

Noshowlomo · 04/04/2021 22:26

YADNBU. Rank

TechnoDino · 04/04/2021 22:27

Ughh, I can’t believe that anybody still smokes inside their home.
When my DC was born I made my (outside only smoker) dad wait at least 2 hours ans wash and change his clothes before he held the baby. He was offended but he complied with my wishes. Smoking is vile, and it is a choice.

mummysharkk · 04/04/2021 22:30

No way, don't do it.
Apart from the health risks imagine that smell on your baby, their head, clothes, blankets, baby chair.

I still don't let my dc see people I know who smoke outside!

turtledovelove · 04/04/2021 22:31

I can totally relate to your post OP and have been in exactly the same position.

DP's parents both smoke in all areas of their house. We had a baby girl 15 months ago and I forced myself to go round there when she was probably about a week old. The stench is unbearable as it is years upon years worth of smoking inside. From the moment we stepped foot inside I couldn't wait to leave again. Needless to say we both had to shower when we got home and put all our clothing in the wash.

I had not stepped foot in there since. Well until that is a couple of weeks ago where I suggested we visited them out of sheer guilt that they had not seen their granddaughter.

I cannot stand the smell of smoke it makes me feel unwell and gives me a headache.
Any gifts or cards we receive from them absolutely stink! It's horrible.

It's a tricky subject to navigate especially for those who know no different and have spent a lifetime smoking in their own home. It's the norm to them and they are totally stuck in their ways. They don't see the harm in it at all.

I would encourage anyone in the same position to stand their ground on this. I can't imagine many people wanting to visit a smokey household regardless of whether they don't do it whilst you're actually there.

It continues to make me feel very sad that they just don't have the relationship with their granddaughter and all because of smoking.

underneaththeash · 04/04/2021 22:35

Just invite them top your house and they can smoke outside.

I wouldn't have a small baby inside a smoker's house.

Griselda1 · 04/04/2021 22:39

I was given a book by a heavy smoker recently.I can't even have it in the house and it's been in the boot of my car ever since.The level of contamination is shocking and you're not unreasonable.

littlepattilou · 04/04/2021 22:42

@Griselda1

I was given a book by a heavy smoker recently.I can't even have it in the house and it's been in the boot of my car ever since.The level of contamination is shocking and you're not unreasonable.
If it had been me who got that book, it would have gone in the bin within 5 minutes. I wouldn't have it stinking out the boot of my car.
littlepattilou · 04/04/2021 22:42

@TechnoDino

Ughh, I can’t believe that anybody still smokes inside their home. When my DC was born I made my (outside only smoker) dad wait at least 2 hours ans wash and change his clothes before he held the baby. He was offended but he complied with my wishes. Smoking is vile, and it is a choice.
This. ^
littlepattilou · 04/04/2021 22:43

@Sprockerdilerock

YANBU. Smoking is a vile, rank, minging habit, that should be consigned to the history books. I don't know a SOUL who smokes now (in my social circle of colleagues, extended family, immediate family, friends, people who go to the Church and several hobby groups in the village, and DD's circle of 20 or so friends and colleagues.) Not one smoker.

The man across the road from me, and one woman who lives 7 doors away are the only ones I know who smoke. And I do massively judge them.

Someone being a smoker is a dealbreaker in me for a partner - or a friend. It's a grim habit. They stink horrible, and emphatically deny they stink. Their hair, their clothes, their car, their house. Everything. And it's SO bad for your health. It's also massively inconsiderate towards others to make them tolerate the stench. Why DO people do start?

And I certainly would not have any child of mine anywhere NEAR a house where smokers reside, even if they didn't smoke in their house. (Although, many smokers do!)