To not want to go into a smoky house? (After lockdown)

[Sprockerdilerock]

First baby due in the summer. DHs parents are HEAVY smokers. They both smoke indoors and have done for years so the house absolutely reeks. They dont think it does because 'they only smoke in the living room' but it's the whole house. If my DH pops in I can smell him from a mile off even if hes only been in there for a few minutes. Weve been to stay a few nights before and I've had to wash all my clothes/slippers/coat etc after.

I dont want to take my baby there, ever. We get invited round for meals often (pre covid) but I've read about the risk of SIDs from second/thirdhand smoke and its not one I'm prepared to take.

We have approached the subject carefully and PILs were really really offended. Apparently it's fine, they were raised in a smoking household, so was my DH and his siblings and it's never done any of them any harm. They have said they wont smoke inside while we are there anymore but I dont even want to be in the house tbh.

The last thing I want to do is cause a rift between us and DHs family but it looks like that's the way its heading at the moment as they absolutely love to host.

So AIBU to not take my baby there ever even if they dont smoke while we are there?

[firstimemamma]

I'm the same as you op - yanbu and stand your ground. I was hospitalised repeatedly as a child with very severe asthma as I was surrounded by smokers growing up. When stuff like that happens to you it never leaves you and affects your outlook once you have your own child.

[tigertubbie]

Baby hair absorbs literally every smell. Walk past a chippy and your baby will spend a good few hours stinking of fried haddock.
I visited a smokers home with my 1 month old to pick up some second hand baby stuff (a plastic rocker that could be hosed down and left outside for weeks and a balance bike)
But after spending 30 minutes there all I could smell was fags in my baby's hair for hours and hours.
The thing is they won't be able to smell it.

[UnderHisAye]

I don't know. I mean, I absolutely do get all the reasoned posts above saying no way.

But at the same time I wouldn't have dreamed of stopping visiting my grandparents when I had children. They loved my kids so much, they brought joy to their quiet home. They would have had no relationship if I hadn't facilitated that. I wouldn't have asked them not to smoke in their house ever because we were only there for one hour a week. They didn't smoke when we were there and we always threw the windows open.

It's not ideal but family is important. It's a tough one really.

[LifesNotEnidBlyton]

Your baby is more important than your IL's being pissed off that you don't want to take your baby to an unsafe home. They made the choice to do this with their own children and because it luckily didnt they really think that makes it ok to do? I wouldnt want to be leaving a baby with someone so naive that they think an anecdote about their children and them not having a bad ending to being in a smoke filled home makes it something that's ok to do. There are a million things people have done with babies and the baby is now an adult, like leaving them outside the shop in their pram, but we still wouldnt do it now because we know it's a bad thing to do.

[CirqueDeMorgue]

It is grim and disgusting and I say that as someone who smokes when I've been drinking. The rest of the time, the smell of it makes me feel nauseous.

[MondeoFan]

I couldn't do it either. Hate smoking and especially in houses. It's bad for babies. I doubt blame you at all

[CuthbertDibbleandGrubb]

YANBU and you should not feel bad about causing a rift. If it means that they come to you only and as a result smoke a bit less, perhaps it will benefit them.

[CloudFormations]

Yanbu. Perhaps when your baby is older they can take a view, but the risk to a child under 6 months is way too high.

[CloudFormations]

*you can take a view, not they!

[Owwlie]

YANBU. DHs dad smokes in their house and it absolutely reeks. We decided with DD1 we wouldn’t take her there as a baby because of it and we did the same with DD2. It caused a bit of friction with MIL, who I did feel sorry for because she doesn’t smoke but she was always welcome to see the kids at ours.

Now they’re a bit older we do take them there but only of a morning, before FIL tends to be up so the living rooms not full of smoke. And MIL makes him smoke in the garden now when we’re there.

[tothesea]

It’s interesting how opinions have changed. I got my very first Mumsnet flaming on here for answering a similar thread around 14 years ago when DS1 was small. I said at the time and would still say YANBU. A poster at the time tore me a new one saying it’s was the persons right to smoke in their home and loads of folk piled on in agreement . I was quite taken aback!

[Chocolateismakingmefat]

I stopped visiting my only relative because she refused not to smoke in the house when I visited with my dc. One of which had recently had whooping cough and almost died... Her attitude damaged our relationship.. When she died I hadn't seen her for a few years... Yabu to even consider you are in the wrong to stay away. I was diagnosed with asthma in my late 20's - after a childhood of car/home filled smoke I assume.

[ChangedName4TheSakeOfIt]

No YANBU. My friends children sometimes come here (well, pre-Covid) after visiting their grandma's just over the road. And they stink my whole house out! Just from visiting smokers. We can smell it for hours after they've left and whilst I don't actually mind someone having a smoke near me (fresh smoking doesn't bother me too much. I used to smoke myself) it's that god awful piled on stale smoke smell that's impossible to get rid of without washing your whole outfit and having a shower.

Health dangers aside, my baby stinking like that is enough to make me say hell no!

[Cheesewiz]

Amazed that 4% have said yabu! We had a similar situ when my eldest was born with fil and even when he came to our house to see baby, he stunk of cigarettes!
And for your relatives to say that they all grew up in smokers houses and it didn't do any off them any harm is crazy! They have no idea the internal damage it has done to them and their children! Anyone of them could be diagnosed with smoking related illnesses later in life

[Sprockerdilerock]

Thank you for all the comments and reassurance that I'm not being unreasonable. I do take your point @UnderHisAye and I wouldnt dream of stopping them from seeing their grandchild either as it would break their hearts.

I dont think a couple of open windows and no actual smoking while we were there would make a difference though, the smell just seems to have got into everything. And as well as the SIDs risk I just dont want us all, especially a baby, to stink!

They are of course more than welcome to come and see the baby at our house and in public places but I'm inclined to agree with other posters about having an hour or two between the last fag and holding the baby. And hand washing and a change of clothes in between. I'd prefer a shower as well if I'm honest.

I'm such a worrier at the best of times itll turn me into an anxious mess if we dont put down some ground rules I think.

[Sprockerdilerock]

My DH is also in total agreement with me, but is finding it difficult knowing how hurt MIL is going to be especially.

[Chocolateismakingmefat]

Imo smoking is a lifestyle choice. If mil chooses being a smoker over being a dgm that's her choice not yours...

[TrialOfStyle]

It is a person’s right to smoke in their own home. It’s also your right to not want your baby in it.

I’ve actually been in the exact situation, and have talked about it before. I used to visit my mother a lot but her and her partner would smoke in the house (with my brother who is asthmatic). When DS was born, I said I’d be happy to meet in neutral areas or they are welcome here, but I wouldn’t be going to their house with the baby because of the smoking. My mum did get offended, never came round to mine and we are now NC. She’s seen DS (nearly 4) once in his life and prioritised smoking over me (and him). I wasn’t even asking her to stop, I just didn’t want to be there.

So just be warned that there may be some backlash to this.

[Sprockerdilerock]

Thats what I'm really concerned about @TrialOfStyle. They (mainly MIL) are going to be offended and they can be quite stubborn. I'm sorry that it went that way for you.

Christmas has also crossed my mind as we normally spend the 25th at their house and hosting at Christmas is one of her joys in life.

[ThePricklySheep]

Once you have a small child (not so much a baby, but in a couple of years) you may want to have them have Christmas in their own home anyway.

[Sprockerdilerock]

True @ThePricklySheep!

[Carbara]

She chooses to spend huge amounts of money on her reeking lifestyle choice, so she can ‘be upset’ all she wants, who gives a fuck. Infants dying of SIDS because of her lifestyle choice is more upsetting, so she can choose whether she wants to be in the kids life, or a stinking obligation the kid is made to suffer. Opt out. She can educate herself on how her hobby damages everyone near her, that’s her issue.

[safclass]

My mum is a heavy smoker who is not willing to try and give up - her choice, but it is also MY choice not to visit with the kids. I do go up occasionally but try and stay for just a few minutes. If I stay longer (even if she doesn't smoke while I'm there) I have to have a shower when I get in.
Everything she sends stinks of smoke and even sweets etc can't be eaten because they taste awful. Thankfully when I was at school all my friends parents smoked too! We must have stunk, as a primary teacher I can pick reading bags up and name the kids if the parents smoke.

[MrsWeaverPlease]

YADNBU!

I have this issue with my parents. My father used to smoke when I was growing up, but rarely in the house as my Mum insisted he smoke outside. Mum was very judgemental of people who smoked indoors.

For reasons no-one can fathom my mother took up smoking in her 50s. She smokes indoors as it's all done secretly. She denies it most of the time.

I just can't go there any more as all the smoke lingering in the house sets my asthma off and I start coughing and needing my inhaler. Cigarette smoke is one of my main triggers.

It's fucking grim. It does that to me and I'm 30 so I shudder to think how it would affect a small baby. I will have the same issue as you when a baby comes along but it's non-negotiable. I have tried preparing the ground a bit but my parents don't get it and they think I'm being precious by not going there now due to my asthma, so they're in for a nasty shock when I have a baby and see that I am deadly serious.

[AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair]

Interesting that you felt the need to write such a long OP when your title is enough, no one would think it reasonable to take a baby into that situation. Have they somehow convinced you that you are in the wrong?

It's very simple, they are free to do whatever they choose in their house, every other person in the world is equally free to choose not to go in there.