What age did you let your teens stay over with boyfriends/girlfriends

[ShrekandDonkey]

DD was 16 October just gone. Has had a boyfriend for about 8 months now, seems a nice sensible lad. She asked me last night if she could stay at his, I said no and she came home when I asked no problems but I'm now wondering if I should have let her?

She hasn't told me if they have had sex but knowing what i was like at that age its most likely. She has been sensible about contraception and we went to the G.P together where she then decided on the depo injection so has had that twice.

She's quite an easy teenager tbh so I know I'm quite lucky and I wonder if I should give her the independence?

[therocinante]

She's well behaved, respected your boundaries, they've been together for what is basically forever in a teenage relationship, you have no concerns about him or their relationship generally, and she's on contraception... I think I would.

My mum let me at 16 and a half, having been in a relationship for a year at that point. We'd been having sex in building sites, the house before anyone came home from work, the woods near his house and all sorts at this point - being able to stay over didn't escalate the relationship by 'letting' us have sex, but it did teach us the little joys of being able to go to bed next to the person you love, making them a brew in the morning, how two people coordinate their morning routines when one is a morning person and one isn't... I know that sounds really domestic and adult for a teenager, but I really think it's useful for teenagers to see the comfortable, content, calm sort of love too. Not just drama and shagging in bus stops. It certainly gave me a better idea of what I wanted from a relationship as an adult, and I used to love the nights my boyfriend and I would get in bed - me with a book, him with the XBox - and we'd just do easy chilling out time together. It was a better preparation for an adult relationship that trying to fit a quick walk to have sex in without alterting his parents before my mum came to pick me up at 9pm.

[navykitchen]

We let Ds' girlfriend stay when he was 17 and she was 16. He slept on the sofa. After about 6 months, I spoke to her mum about them staying in the same room and she agreed. We've both spoken to them both about contraception.
They stayed completely apart on the whole of the first lockdown but in the most recent one, she moved in for the nine weeks. This wouldn't have happened if it hadn't been for lockdown though. They're now almost 18 and 19 and it's actually been quite nice to get to know Ds' girlfriend better.
I wouldn't allow them to have a girlfriend/boyfriend to stay under the age of 16 and even then, only if they'd been together for quite a while. Under 18, I'd always make sure I spoke to their parents first about what they're comfortable with.

[ArmchairTraveller]

@malificent7

Thing is if they are going to do it they will find a way...it was the back of cars etc fof me! If you don't it ' under your roof' i get it but legally she can have sex and even get married. It's tricky and I'm NOT looking foward to this at all.

Yup, my parents never let unmarried couples stay in the same room.
So from 16, I found all sorts of other places and people who were more tolerant.
My grandfather used to say ‘If they’re going to go wrong, they’ll go wrong in their lunch hour’ and he was right.
To my mother’s dismay, my children did not take after me and are models of virtue.

[WithIcePlease]

I let DD's from 16 both home and at their boyfriends. No communication from or to other parents but they all seemed fine with it as asked DD's to dinner etc

[peachhouses]

Oh this is a tricky one and I know I’ll find it really hard to know what to do when mine are that age. Sorry I don’t know what I’d do! They’re probably shagging already so...

[LucilleTheVampireBat]

My daughters boyfriend stays over. Has done for about 3 months now. She's older though, 18.

[MaLarkinn]

No, I wouldn't.

[Painauchocolat189]

She does sound sensible but if it were me personally I'd say 18, and that's also the age I was first sleeping over with boyfriends.
However like PPs have said they usually find a way to do it regardless. Go with whatever you feel is right, maybe 17 as a compromise?

[Jchina]

They both sound sensible young people, I think to some extent you have to get real. They are over the age of the consent so it’s now up to them and if they are having sex they will be doing so whether they are allowed to stay overnight together or not.
I would ask her first if they are, I think that’s a good conversation to have. If she IS sensible and able to be an adult in this way she will have to be adult enough to have that conversation. And at least ask his parents if they are ok with her staying and what their expectations are. It sounds like you’ve done a great job with her, understands your boundaries and doesn’t push it - so a bit of trust in the other direction is no bad thing.

[Treacletoots]

I wonder whether parents sticking their fingers in their ears when it comes to their children's relationships is hardly helpful to the development and understanding of how to navigate a relationship once they're older.

It may be uncomfortable for you, but isn't that your job, as a parent to prepare them for the world, as best as you can? I know the lack of any parental guidance on this matter meant I had to navigate a fair amount of awful abusive relationships with no knowledge or help. I'd rather my daughter was able to come to me for advice and hopefully she'll be better able to deal with dickheads as and when they pop up.

Teenagers are having sex. You are still responsible for their emotional well-being and development. Please don't abandon these aspects of them just because it's uncomfortable.

[Justgorgeous]

Son has been with his girlfriend for 3 years, is nearly 19 and have just started to let her stay since Xmas.

[museumum]

I think regular staying over is too intense as a 16 and young 17 yr old. I wouldn’t encourage it until the end of school. I’m sure they’ll have sex in the evening or daytime but the whole pseudo living together habitual staying over I think encourages too much intensity too young. Most young people I know who had this became very codependent and let their other friendships slip. Young lives are intense enough anyway.

[Bagelsandbrie]

Dd is 17 (nearly 18) and knows she cannot have boys stay over. I just feel incredibly uncomfortable about it and don’t want to wake up to find some teenage boy or man in my house. So nope. I can’t stop her staying at theirs but I’m just not okay with it and that’s that. I think nowadays everyone is expected to be the “cool” parents and be fine with everything otherwise you’re told you risk your relationship with them but I really don’t think that’s true at all. If dd wants to have an adult relationship at home she can be an adult and save up and rent somewhere or save up and buy etc.

[ShrekandDonkey]

Will have a chat with DD this evening but I feel like I should show her I trust and also respect her like she has done to me. So now I've thought about it rationally and listened to some good advice (thank you all) it's likely I will allow it but will speak with her parents first!

[LemonRoses]

@Treacletoots

I wonder whether parents sticking their fingers in their ears when it comes to their children's relationships is hardly helpful to the development and understanding of how to navigate a relationship once they're older.

It may be uncomfortable for you, but isn't that your job, as a parent to prepare them for the world, as best as you can? I know the lack of any parental guidance on this matter meant I had to navigate a fair amount of awful abusive relationships with no knowledge or help. I'd rather my daughter was able to come to me for advice and hopefully she'll be better able to deal with dickheads as and when they pop up.

Teenagers are having sex. You are still responsible for their emotional well-being and development. Please don't abandon these aspects of them just because it's uncomfortable.

I’d almost say it was the exact opposite. Parents have a responsibility to protect their children from the pressures of sex before they are ready to cope with it.
Ours certainly haven’t struggled with relationships for want of not having short term relationship partners sleeping over. A time and a place. That place, for us, is not in our house outside of committed relationships.
We absolutely gave guidance and support - that didn’t include condoning casual sex or encouraging precocious commitment. It did include the facts that the average age for loss of virginity is eighteen - so not having sex as a child is more normal than doing so.
That isn’t ignoring reality, but allowing them the confidence of understanding norms to avoid peer pressure.
We taught our children the risks of precocious and promiscuous sexual activity. That meant going into relationships they were confident to wait until they actually knew the person they were building a relationship with.

[Rainbowqueeen]

For me it’s not about having sex, it’s about the relationship and the message you are sending about that
I’ve seen people say on here that they will only allow partners to stay if it’s a relationship of at least 6 months so your DC know you won’t tolerate randoms staying the night.
Also what you allow for one child is setting a precedent. Also that for girls especially, once it is know that their parents allow overnight stays then that puts pressure on them to perhaps have sex earlier or at times when they don’t really want to
I’ve also seen people comment on how allowing boyfriends or girlfriends to stay the night can make the relationship move into more serious territory than perhaps your DC is ready for and can make it harder for them to end a relationship if their boyfriend or girlfriend is enmeshed in their family life.
I personally wouldn’t allow it until they were 18 so a little older with more emotional maturity and I would chat with them first about relationships in general, consent and how the relationship fit into their plans and goals.

[Okbussitout]

@ConsuelaHammock

I won’t be allowing my children to stay overnight with boyfriend / girlfriend. 16 is too young to be having sex imo.

What age do you think is OK? Tbh I think this is bonkers in this day and age.

[Hoppinggreen]

I have told DD that her BF can sleep over after the Prom in June (both 16). He will be in the spare room though

[Madwomanuptheroad29]

We let them stay over from 16 as long as it is an established relationship and the other set of parents agrees.
I certainly prefer them to have their early sexual relationships with privacy and dignity rather than in a back alleyway or someone else's flat which put them at risk of CSE.

[Madwomanuptheroad29]

Also I think in reality a lot of people are sliding themselves regarding the age kids are starting to be sexually active.
According to a chat I have just had with my fifteen year old who is part of quite a nice and we'll brought up friend group the majority of her friends are sexually active - with parents in total denial.

[Temp023]

DD’s boyfriend has been staying over since just before Christmas, so she was 17 he was 18, but she has had an implant since just after her 16th birthday.

[Bagelsandbrie]

@Madwomanuptheroad29

Also I think in reality a lot of people are sliding themselves regarding the age kids are starting to be sexually active.
According to a chat I have just had with my fifteen year old who is part of quite a nice and we'll brought up friend group the majority of her friends are sexually active - with parents in total denial.

I don’t think that’s true for everyone who says no to boyfriends staying over. Dd and I are really open with each other, I know all about what her and her friends are up to (including one gay friend of hers who is meeting up with randoms from Tinder who are “bottoms” and he is a “top” and she is horrified by this and worried about his safety as he doesn’t know these people etc etc... and all the usual sexual teen angst gets shared with me- sometimes way too much info)! But I don’t want anyone staying over. To be fair it’s a good incentive for her to get herself to university....!

[LemonRoses]

@Madwomanuptheroad29

Also I think in reality a lot of people are sliding themselves regarding the age kids are starting to be sexually active.
According to a chat I have just had with my fifteen year old who is part of quite a nice and we'll brought up friend group the majority of her friends are sexually active - with parents in total denial.

Not what stats say - and part of issue of selling childhood sex as normal rather than illegal. Children are pushed into sex, because everyone tells them that is the norm when it’s not.

[Moonface123]

I can't remember now if my son was 17 or 18 ?
He is almost 20 now and still with same girlfriend, who is a year older than him. They met at school. She was always at my house anyhow, and l think of her as family. They both left school at 16 and work full time, they cook and clean up after themselves, now saving up for their own p!ace.

[WitchyBolloxNStuff]

At 16 with a regular boyfriend I definitely would. Different boy every week then no.