Why are my family so shit?

[yorkie99]

They’ve always been a bit like this but I had a baby last April and I thought this would bring us closer. Understand it’s been a hard year in terms of seeing people but both DM and DD are single adult households, as am I, so could have legitimately bubbled.

Not seen any of them since Christmas. Everyone I know is happily being reunited with family this week and it’s making me so upset and resentful that my own family don’t seem to be interested. Me and DS live 2 hours away but surely this is not much if you really wanted to see your grandchild that you’ve only meet about 3 times. I am also happy to drive to them but don’t receive any invitations - they know I would drive too.

I suggested meeting at a lovely park half way any day this week - DD replies with ‘diary’s full’, DM with a stupid emoji and no words, DB (who has an 18 mo) says no because he’s going to see his partner’s family (who live round the corner from him).

When I was due to give birth last year my DM was meant to come up and be my birthing partner but decided not to at the last minute - excuses like she doesn’t like driving and she can’t leave the dog. I just think there’s ways round these things if you really wanted to help. A few weeks ago I was really sick (norovirus) and struggled to look after DS - she refused to come up and help then too.

AIBU to expect a bit more from my family? Is this what families are like and I should get over it?

I could have written your post OP. My ds is now 13 but I remember the upset so well. Becoming a mother myself brought certain things into sharp focus. Particularly the fact that I have never been a priority in my family. Even as a child I wasn't. I suspect that you are experiencing similar realisations.

In my case, it all stems from me being seen as the very capable, independent one. My mother loves me but just isn't that interested in me. She loves her gc and enjoys seeing them, but only in small doses.

It is what it is. I have learnt to never ask for nor expect any help or support. I keep all communication light and breezy. But I do so firmly in the knowledge that my capacity to support my mother in her old age will be limited. I will not upend my life in her later years. I will do the basics but no more.

Oh and my mother has called me once in the past year. On my birthday for 2 minutes to wish me a happy birthday. She isn't that bothered about meeting up now that we can (she has had both jabs). She just isn't that bothered and i let the hurt go a long time ago.

Sorry OP, YANBU, some people(/families) are just not close and don't really care. DH's DB is like this which caused him a lot of upset as they were close as children. Our DD is nearly 3 and I think her uncle has seen her less than 10 times in total and he lives about a 20 mins drive away. They've lived in that house for about 5 years and I've never even been there as they've never invited me. DH frequently tries to arrange meeting up etc and his brother just isn't interested. Sad but there's not really anything you can do about it. I hope you've got a good support network of friends at least?

Was going to them for Easter weekend an option for you?

My DS is 17 now and I felt exactly the same as you his whole life OP. It came as a real shock tbh but there was little to no interest/support and as a single parent with chronic health issues I’ve really struggled. Some families are just like this unfortunately.

They’ve always been a bit like this but I had a baby last April and I thought this would bring us closer

There you go, you've made that fatal mistake of thinking a baby will change other people. They don't.

Some people I think are missing the point, particularly about when I was ill. Fair enough but she just uses convenient excuses all the time so I don’t buy it at all. I don’t even ask for support - I am independent and I don’t expect it. It’s more that I want to have fun family times with them and they’re not interested/can’t be arsed.

@HappyPumpkin81 thank you :) it has been disappointing not to be able to see people this year but I’ve met some other smbc via Facebook which have been a godsend. It’s a great community

Your family are total shit, but for your own mental health you just have to accept it and not expect a single thing from them. They should be made keenly aware not to expect anything from you, either. I would be making any contact very, very minimal because all they do is make you feel horrible.

@NailsNeedDoing

Yabu to expect someone to come and give you that level of help when you have norovirus, I think it was really cheeky of you to ask tbh. It’s basically like saying ‘I feel crap, please come and sort out the thing I signed up to doing alone so that you can get ill and feel crap too.’

Leaving the norovirus request aside, it sounds like your expectations were too high. If your brother having a baby not long before you did didn’t bring you all closer together, what made you think that your baby would?

Have your mum and Dad already got bubbles that they can see more regularly? Having a bubble 2 hours away isn’t ideal. It does sound like you have a right to be upset that your mum you down last minute when you were giving birth, but at the same time, she can’t just abandon her animal. Did you offer to pay for someone to look after it? Is she genuinely scared of driving those distances at other times?

Your first paragraph is unfair. Do you have children? Would you let them just deal with it if they were ill? Surely you’d want to help. Because I decided to be a solo mum that means I’m not allowed to ever need help? And, to put it in context, that’s the one time I’ve asked all year.

They don’t have bubbles. DM, in particular, just sits at home all day being miserable and complaining about being bored. This is why it’s so sad. If she made the effort - she’d probably enjoy spending time with us.

Yanbu op. The last year has been awful with no support. My dad and family live in another country and I haven't seen them in nearly two years now.
I am no contact with my mum and two sisters who live 40 minutes away. My best friend has literally saved my life in the past year.

But in another post you wanted your dad to leave after staying one night at Christmas....

Just to play devil's advocate for a bit I can sort of see this from the other side's perspective. I don't blame you at all for feeling let down and disappointed OP, but I think it's also reasonable for other people to have no real interest in your child.

I don't have much of a relationship with my parents or siblings, I have absolutely no interest in children whatsoever, in fact, I'll do everything I can to avoid having to spend time in the company of children. My DB has two, one of which I've never met. I have nothing in common with DB, don't miss them or particularly desire their company, so the addition of two DC's has tipped me over from ambivalence into outright determination to avoid contact if at all possible.

You can't force people to like you or take any interest in your DC's, and I don't see how the fact they are related has any bearing on that. I wasn't consulted about their plan to procreate, so I couldn't care less if they feel insulted by my total lack of interest in their DC's!

I do agree with @XDownwiththissortofthingX to a certain extent.

It's pretty normal for Lots of people including close family to have little to no interest in others children (whether you have your own or not) - unfortunately for you (and your child) you don't have the fathers family to fill in any gaps and it all falls to your family. Perhaps it's a little considered consequence of the choice to use a donor?

I know for a fact if I had used a donor there would be little interest from family members

That’s truly shit, OP. Now I have a child of my own I can’t imagine not wanting to be involved in her life. Luckily, I now have a relatively decent relationship with my mum (my lovely Dad has passed). She’d certainly be there for me if I couldn’t care for my daughter and she is very involved with her. Her other grandmother sees her as much as possible. But none of the rest of our family (on both sides) are interested in the slightest. and that makes me sad as she’s such a ray of sunshine.

Thank god we can choose our friends.

I'm in the same boat OP. I have a two year old DD and my parents have seen her once in the past 12 months. I suggested meeting up this weekend to be met with a very lacklustre response. I think (a) they really want to wait until they've had their second jab dose and (b) they can't be arsed to drive to where I live (I don't have a car). It's a bit hurtful but they have always been a bit like that.

@ivfbeenbusy

I do agree with *@XDownwiththissortofthingX* to a certain extent.

It's pretty normal for Lots of people including close family to have little to no interest in others children (whether you have your own or not) - unfortunately for you (and your child) you don't have the fathers family to fill in any gaps and it all falls to your family. Perhaps it's a little considered consequence of the choice to use a donor?

I know for a fact if I had used a donor there would be little interest from family members

I kind of agree tbh. I don't have much contact with most of my family. I don't particularly like them and we have nothing in common. If we weren't related we certainly wouldn't be friends of acquaintances.

When their kids were born I send the general FB congrats, but it didn't change anything. They're not part of my life and I don't wish them to be.

I have lost if close friends however, and on several occasions have helped them through illnesses and childcare issues.

It's a shame if your Dm isn't interested. But aside from parents I wouldn't expect others to be more involved now if you weren't already close.

I generally dislike the idea of obligatory closeness based on circumstances versus affinity. I love and value my chosen friends, but don't feel much for most of my blood relatives.

From a different perspective, if it's always the grandparents who are expected to travel it gets very wearing.

My adult children don't need an invitation to visit... I'd always change plans to welcome them here. However the expectation is that we always drive the 3 hour journey to see the grandchildren. And while I accept it's easier than with small children it's far too one sided.

@NailsNeedDoing

Yabu to expect someone to come and give you that level of help when you have norovirus, I think it was really cheeky of you to ask tbh. It’s basically like saying ‘I feel crap, please come and sort out the thing I signed up to doing alone so that you can get ill and feel crap too.’

Leaving the norovirus request aside, it sounds like your expectations were too high. If your brother having a baby not long before you did didn’t bring you all closer together, what made you think that your baby would?

Have your mum and Dad already got bubbles that they can see more regularly? Having a bubble 2 hours away isn’t ideal. It does sound like you have a right to be upset that your mum you down last minute when you were giving birth, but at the same time, she can’t just abandon her animal. Did you offer to pay for someone to look after it? Is she genuinely scared of driving those distances at other times?

God this is depressing, do you not have anyone you can depend on when you are sick, tired or just overwhelmed? You might want to think why, because it's actually the norm to have family or friends that love you and are there to support you at your lowest. I feel incredibly sorry for anyone who lacks this support

So agree grey
Families are so weird sometimes.
If you can't ask for help from them what's the point?
I would give any help I could to mine.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way 😞

I also have a rubbish family. My mum hasn’t spoken to me, my husband and my 4 year old son in 2 years. We had an argument over some money she owed me and that was that. She put me in credit card debt. In that time I’ve been pregnant, given birth to a baby girl - still no contact. There’s a whole lot of other crap I could mention but it would need a book.

My father is useless too - loads of crap there as well.

It really is shit and it hurts everyday. I just pray that we would never do that to our children. I read a book called emotionally immature parents and it helped to put things into perspective. I also have a good husband, and wonderful in laws and friends which definitely softens the blow - but knowing that you never ever got unconditional love is soul destroying 😔

Sending lots of hugs xx

Op its hurtful my own similar. Mother thinks whole world revolves round her needs! Not much interest in my kids. We cant change it but its hurtful of course.

My family are like this. I know it stinks.
I have very supportive, tight knit ILs and so we spend most Christmases, Easters, summer BBQs etc with them, because to be perfectly honest i got sick of doing all the leg work with my ones for them to act like they didn't care!

YANBU! It is a sad fact of life that some people are just self-centred, detached and a bit cold, even to their own flesh-and-blood. There are so many stories about this on the net, so you're far from alone. My own extended family are either not interested or I've had to cut them off because they're toxic. DH's family are entitled, exploitative and only bother with him when they want something from him. It's horrible and I too have longed for close, loving family in the past, it's natural, but I've had to come to terms with the fact that neither me nor DH have this and accept it. We 3- DH, DS and me, have each other. Feck the rest of 'em! They don't deserve us! That's the best way to think of it OP, and if you're struggling, see can your GP refer you for counselling so you have someone to explore your thoughts and feelings about it all with! Anyway, from my point of view as I was a single mum for 9 years, I think you're amazing and it's their loss! Keep your heart up and I wish you and your DC all the very best!

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask when you're struck down by norovirus at all. My dad came and collected my then 8 month old son when XP and I had it. I crawled to the door on my hands and knees and XP was sat on the living room floor vomiting into a bucket unable to stand either. DDad and DM didn't even think twice about it.

I'm really sorry your family are so shit. Don't let them develop a selective memory about how good they've been to you when the tables turn.