Why are my family so shit?

[yorkie99]

They’ve always been a bit like this but I had a baby last April and I thought this would bring us closer. Understand it’s been a hard year in terms of seeing people but both DM and DD are single adult households, as am I, so could have legitimately bubbled.

Not seen any of them since Christmas. Everyone I know is happily being reunited with family this week and it’s making me so upset and resentful that my own family don’t seem to be interested. Me and DS live 2 hours away but surely this is not much if you really wanted to see your grandchild that you’ve only meet about 3 times. I am also happy to drive to them but don’t receive any invitations - they know I would drive too.

I suggested meeting at a lovely park half way any day this week - DD replies with ‘diary’s full’, DM with a stupid emoji and no words, DB (who has an 18 mo) says no because he’s going to see his partner’s family (who live round the corner from him).

When I was due to give birth last year my DM was meant to come up and be my birthing partner but decided not to at the last minute - excuses like she doesn’t like driving and she can’t leave the dog. I just think there’s ways round these things if you really wanted to help. A few weeks ago I was really sick (norovirus) and struggled to look after DS - she refused to come up and help then too.

AIBU to expect a bit more from my family? Is this what families are like and I should get over it?

It seems to be what your family is like. You’re not alone in that - there are plenty of rubbish families - but there’s no way to change it, so your time is better spent building up a local network of friends who want to see you.

It does hurt, and I don’t want to seem like I’m downplaying that, but you’re not alone at all I’d stop making the first move with them; leave the door open to assess if you want to see them if/when they suggest it, and get to work finding friends who you can rely on and who want to see you instead, as things open up.

Thank you :) I know you’re right.

I don’t even care for me anymore but I just don’t understand why they’d not want to see my little one - he’s so amazing! And it makes me sad for him.

It’s not as if they are busy either - all they do is sit at home on their own all day being miserable and bored. It’s so frustrating

I know how you feel OP, my family were always like that, and after many years of being upset I've actually realised (in my case) that they just aren't very nice (some dodgy attitudes etc). And maybe they're actually doing you a favour by not bothering you.
It still hurts when I see other people's families so happy and friendly and supportive towards each other, but it is possible to create your own happy family. Stuff them .

Yep. They're crap. Thoughtless and utterly insensitive.

They certainly don't deserve you or your ds.

So what now? Do you keep offering yourselves up to them for yet another kick in the teeth?

Nope.

You surround yourselves with people who cherish you and your ds. And you prioritize them, not your family. You've given them too many chances already.

Keep your family at a distance and expect nothing from them. It's sad but that's how they are.

And should they ever exclaim hurt or surprise over this, you don't need to explain yourself. Just shrug and send a silly emoji.

Please don't repeat the same behaviour to them. They are never going to give you want you think you need from them.

Thank you for your words of reassurance!

The kick in the teeth thing is so true - will definitely stop suggesting things and lower my expectations (to zero)

This could be a controversial one but do you think it's anything to do with the father being absent (you said you are a single person household) - I've known people before whose family haven't been supportive and when they finally Got to heart of the matter turns out it was because they were judging her for having a baby with this chap and ending up a single parent? Absolutely shitty thing to do of course x

I have a rubbish family (also a single parent). I have been lucky to build up a really solid friendship group who I regard as my family now. They are the ones I go to for any kind of advice or support. My blood relatives I see at christmas. It's how it is, it used to upset me but now, I invest my time and effort in the ones who return it.

Another one here with a crap family. I don’t think it hit home how crap they are til I had DS, I’m also a single parent and I think there was an element of ‘you made your bed...’.

I used to be staggered by how much help and support other new mums received from their families. I wonder if they feel guilty/uncomfortable for the lack of support and this results in avoidant behaviour.

@ivfbeenbusy Not sure if relevant but I’m a solo parent by choice. Was getting on a bit in age so I went down the donor route. They all seemed happy for me, in fact, I thought it would bring us closer as a family.

@SilverLiningSearching I think the avoidance thing is very true, especially from DM

@BanginChoons it really makes you value your friends that’s for certain!

You wouldn't seriously expect anyone to come in and help in a house riddled with norovirus would you?

@Chicchicchicchiclana if your baby grandson was crying his heart out and your daughter was virtually incapacitated then yes, I’d expect her to give a passing toss

@Chicchicchicchiclana

You wouldn't seriously expect anyone to come in and help in a house riddled with norovirus would you?

If one of my adult children was too ill to properly care for a baby yes of course I would go and help ! The ill person isolates and with careful hygiene it's not inevitable that the helper is going to get ill.

Op your family sound awful. I have a friend whose family are similar and her partner's family have no contact also, but she does have a partner which means things are easier without family support.

My mum lives in the next village. Just a few minutes drive away. Our nearest relatives are 200 miles away. Mum is always in our village shopping and picking up takeaways etc but she never, ever pops in to see us. I have a clean, welcoming home. She just has no interest. She does however have ponies that she dotes on. DSis and I knew from childhood that if we didn't have a mane and tail, we didn't count. Ponies got new rugs, regular vets and farrier visits, the best of food and DSis and I had clothes our mates gave us and shoes glued back together. We also had to sort our own dinners from around 12yo. With no food in the house to make it from most days.
Almost 30 years later mum's FB only features her ponies or dogs. Her grandchildren appear only if they happen to be stood with one of her ponies. Yet she regularly reposts those "No1 Granny!", "If your grandkids mean the world to you...." or "No-only loves kids like granny does" type memes. I just think, WTF? You'd have to see them voluntarily first!!
She also NEVER goes to visit DSis and her kids 200 miles away but will drive down to pick something up, a funeral, a wedding, or to see an old friend and she'll maybe pop in to DSis house for 5 minutes, but no time for a cuppa.

It's shit when family don't care but you have to accept it. Concentrate on the family you are making for yourself. YOUR children and grandchildren one day will be loved and doted on by you. Your little lone family is all that counts.

@Chicchicchicchiclana Really? You don't have anyone who would help you out if necessary? If I had norovirus, I have friends and family who would look after my children if I was unable to. I would do the same for them though. Assuming you wouldn't?

How was she when you were growing up. Seeing as your db is also the same, it seems like there was a very dysfunctional dynamic. I think you are better off having zero expectations from any of them. It's their loss really.

@Chicchicchicchiclana My mum has come to help in similar circumstances and if do the same for my sister if she was alone and I didn’t have my own small children. Family should support each other in hard times.

OP I’m sorry your family are crap. It’s ok to be sad about it. You have your own family now and can create a different kind of supportive environment than you’ve grown up with. You might want to consider some therapy though as it’s likely to have affected you in ways you’re not aware of.

Accept who they are and spare yourself unnecessary upset.

Focus on making friends near where you live.

Put all your energy into making a life around you.

Hi Yorkie99, I am also a solo mum by choice to a 3 year old and I am in a similar situation. I thought my family would rally around when my daughter was born and we would be closer than ever, unfortunately the opposite has happened. Now I wonder why I thought my parents would be amazing grandparents when they weren't that great as parents! I have found this year really tough as I have had very little help, and there has been no opportunity to "build a village." I can only hope the situation will improve in the future. There are some good "Solo Mum by Choice" groups on Facebook if you are not already a member.

Sorry you feel upset op but as others have said you can't change people. Give yourself time to 'grieve' for the family you hoped to have accept it and then move forward.

Maybe they think that because you were independent enough to go it alone then you don't need support? Maybe they don't totally agree with the donor aspect of your sons conception and are voicing it this way?

@Chicchicchicchiclana

You wouldn't seriously expect anyone to come in and help in a house riddled with norovirus would you?

I've done it.

I know how hard it is to cope with a baby when you're really poorly

Yabu to expect someone to come and give you that level of help when you have norovirus, I think it was really cheeky of you to ask tbh. It’s basically like saying ‘I feel crap, please come and sort out the thing I signed up to doing alone so that you can get ill and feel crap too.’

Leaving the norovirus request aside, it sounds like your expectations were too high. If your brother having a baby not long before you did didn’t bring you all closer together, what made you think that your baby would?

Have your mum and Dad already got bubbles that they can see more regularly? Having a bubble 2 hours away isn’t ideal. It does sound like you have a right to be upset that your mum you down last minute when you were giving birth, but at the same time, she can’t just abandon her animal. Did you offer to pay for someone to look after it? Is she genuinely scared of driving those distances at other times?

Yanbu to feel hurt, yabu to except better, because some family are unfortunately just shit. My mother constantly let's me down, to the point that I sent a pic of my 12 week scan to our family chat and she ignored it, replied only to something my sibling posted later about their child. It hurts but I needed to accept that that's what she's like to stop expecting more, as it's our expectation of others that end up hurting us

If you weren’t close before then realistically a baby wasn’t going to change that especially when you were doing it solo so a deliberate choice.

I certainly wouldn’t expect anyone to travel in a pandemic to a house with a sickness bug. Sheer madness.