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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Where do you draw the line here? Grooming and enhancements

41 replies

Painauchocolat189 · 04/04/2021 09:23

I personally don't see anything wrong with Botox, fillers etc. If somebody wants to get rid of lines then why shouldn't they, or if they have thin lips they have never liked etc (not that there is anything bad about thinner lips)

I do of course think there are the extremes when somebody completely changes their face and gets 5 boob jobs, ribs removed, 4 nose jobs etc. That's clearly significant of wider issues.

However some people that I know, my boyfriend included, don't understand why people would want to do anything even teeth whitening, extensions etc. Even says I should keep my natural colour and not dye it, or that I don't need any make up.

I know he's being sincere and nice and it's great he likes me for who I am. However I like having treatments and wearing extensions. I have had a small amount of Botox and fillers, it's improved my confidence a lot and i did it for me only.

I dislike how if you want to have a small enhancement or dye your hair etc. Then you're seen as damaged in some way and that you must hate yourself.

Surely many women wear make up, even if not daily, dye their hair etc.

I like looking good and I do it for myself, I have no intention of changing my face but I do it for me. Don't want my boyfriend to be put off though.
Sorry kind of rambled on a bit here, hope my points are clear.

OP posts:
Palavah · 04/04/2021 09:26

Presumably he liked how you looked when you got together? Why is he wanting you to change now?

steff13 · 04/04/2021 09:28

I dislike how if you want to have a small enhancement or dye your hair etc. Then you're seen as damaged in some way and that you must hate yourself.

I think that's a very uncommon way of thinking.

Original poster
Painauchocolat189 · 04/04/2021 09:28

Yeah he did, I understand what he's saying and he's trying to make me see I'm fine as I am. I have had teeth whitening for years and I like having longer hair as my own is a short bob so I sometimes get extensions, but he's telling me I don't need any of that or even make up. Luckily have good skin and rarely wear make up though unless I'm going out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Painauchocolat189 · 04/04/2021 09:29

It seems to be his way of thinking, none of my friends either have had any sort of treatment and most have had the same hair colour and style all their life.

OP posts:
HollysBush · 04/04/2021 09:29

Don’t know anyone who considers dyeing your hair or eating makeup as damaging yourself. It’s ok for him to say “you’re beautiful without makeup etc” but to make you feel bad about the way you present yourself is a worry.

HollysBush · 04/04/2021 09:31

😂eating makeup! Sorry, that should say wearing, obviously eating makeup would be a problem!

thatonehasalittlecar · 04/04/2021 09:33

Perhaps he likes a more natural look? But if you are happier with extensions or botox or false eyelashes or whatever, that’s the important thing. I’m sure you’re beautiful either way, but you do you. His feelings are important but it’s your body; ultimately if he prefers the natural look and that outweighs how he feels about you, then he can look elsewhere.

Original poster
Painauchocolat189 · 04/04/2021 09:33

Haha 😂 he does say that which is nice, he just finds it sad that I want to whiten my teeth and get extensions and so on, but I've done that for years and I've done it for me. I was single for 5 years before we got together apart from a couple of short things, and did all that for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Painauchocolat189 · 04/04/2021 09:35

Thank you. Yes, he does like the natural look, however I don't think I look fake.
I see people on Geordie Shore who appear to have entirely changed their face and think that's a shame even if it's their choice, but I have no desire to do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Painauchocolat189 · 04/04/2021 09:36

Even when I had a facial he told me I didn't need it.

OP posts:
CleanQueen123 · 04/04/2021 09:41

Any man that kept telling me I'd look better if I did/didn't do something I was perfectly happy with would be out the door.

It's one thing to say he finds you equally attractive regardless of whether you're dressed up or sitting around at home. It's another to be telling you that you shouldn't do these things.

He's undermining your confidence. By repeatedly bringing it up what he's actually saying is "I'd find you more attractive if you looked the way I say you should look".

Be careful OP.

Polkadotties · 04/04/2021 09:46

I’m one to normally eye roll at the red flag responses you often see on threads but his behaviour is a definite red flag.

Palavah · 04/04/2021 09:48

@Painauchocolat189

Even when I had a facial he told me I didn't need it.
Yeah that's weird.
VladmirsPoutine · 04/04/2021 09:48

I think in this day your partners view is in the minority. Having fillers, botox, wearing make up, extensions etc is entirely normalised. Carry on! I'd get a bit annoyed if someone kept banging on about me putting in hair extensions or whatever - it's my body after all.

Ikora · 04/04/2021 09:58

I think having fillers and Botox is not especially normal and run of the mill but I think hair dye, facials etc are.

The only comment DH has ever made about make up or cosmetics was something along the lines of lots of make up and stuff like padded bras gave an illusion and should be against the trade descriptions act.

There is nothing wrong in wanting to look what you consider your best but I do not understand how some women can’t cope without make up. You can do what you like, remember that.

YouWerePrettyIWasLonely · 04/04/2021 10:02

Thats a red flag waving in the wind.

WineWank · 04/04/2021 10:07

I'm mostly on the side of a more natural look, I wear a bit of make up and have a balayage twice a year for a natural sunkissed look.

But I generally think fillers/fake eyelashes/extensions look horrible and are usually noticeable. I'm just not a fan.

I cringe seeing the "tabloid" regulars like the Essex lot, they look hideous, almost comical.

DaphneDuBois · 04/04/2021 10:08

He’s being absolutely ridiculous if he really thinks you have to be insecure / vain / fake to have a facial. I dunno - it sounds a bit like control masquerading as concern. If it was the other way round and he was encouraging you to get stuff done, it would seem like he was unhappy with the way you looked. As this is is a reverse of that, he’s viewing it as a positive thing as he’s happy with the way the way you look naturally, but it still boils down to the same thing either way: him trying to have a degree of say in (control over?) how you look.

If he strongly dislikes anything unnatural, including very minor procedures such as teeth whitening, then he should date a woman who feels the same, not try to get you to conform to what he wants when you’ve been very comfortably and independently doing this for yourself before you met him.

Crepescular · 04/04/2021 10:10

Whatever you may think, it's really easy to spot someone who's had botox and fillers - you may think it looks natural, but no-one else does.

And people will judge you for it - judge you for your vanity, judge you for your stupidity for putting poison in your face just for the sake of your looks and judge you for trying to hold back the entirely natural process that is ageing.

Wearing make-up and having your hair done are entirely different things.

BanginChoons · 04/04/2021 10:14

I think he sounds controlling. He is criticizing how you choose to present yourself in order to knock your confidence and make you more reliant on him. How long have you been together?

ImAlrightThanx · 04/04/2021 10:16

I think people can do what they want to their own bodies. Other people can have an opinion of course (probably best kept to themselves!) but it really isn't anybody else business.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/04/2021 10:17

Your body, your choice and that's the end of it.

WouldBeGood · 04/04/2021 10:19

I think you should be put off him. His attitude is weird. Colouring your hair and getting a facial and wearing makeup are entirely normal and unremarkable. As are the other things you mention. Honestly, it’s none of his business. It sounds like it’s denying your confidence. I’d be very wary of any man who tried to control how I look, no matter how “nicely”.

Original poster
Painauchocolat189 · 04/04/2021 10:23

We've been together nearly a year. I had 11 lines that I wasn't keen on so I got Botox, and I naturally have a hook style nose so I got filler on it, i got picked on for it when I was younger and it made me feel more confident.
Yes ageing is normal but wanting to look younger doesn't make you a bad person.

I agree colouring hair is normal, I have greys too and want to cover them.
I like changing my hair, sometimes I wear it short and other times long so I get extensions, I just like to change and that's all.

OP posts:
notanothersaveusername · 04/04/2021 10:25

Neither of you are wrong. Maybe he is worried that you will keep on taking the treatments further and end up looking like a Kardashian? Just talk to him, explain it makes you feel more confident and leave it at that.