Where do you draw the line here? Grooming and enhancements

[Painauchocolat189]

I personally don't see anything wrong with Botox, fillers etc. If somebody wants to get rid of lines then why shouldn't they, or if they have thin lips they have never liked etc (not that there is anything bad about thinner lips)

I do of course think there are the extremes when somebody completely changes their face and gets 5 boob jobs, ribs removed, 4 nose jobs etc. That's clearly significant of wider issues.

However some people that I know, my boyfriend included, don't understand why people would want to do anything even teeth whitening, extensions etc. Even says I should keep my natural colour and not dye it, or that I don't need any make up.

I know he's being sincere and nice and it's great he likes me for who I am. However I like having treatments and wearing extensions. I have had a small amount of Botox and fillers, it's improved my confidence a lot and i did it for me only.

I dislike how if you want to have a small enhancement or dye your hair etc. Then you're seen as damaged in some way and that you must hate yourself.

Surely many women wear make up, even if not daily, dye their hair etc.

I like looking good and I do it for myself, I have no intention of changing my face but I do it for me. Don't want my boyfriend to be put off though.
Sorry kind of rambled on a bit here, hope my points are clear.

I’d be very wary of any man who tried to control how I look, no matter how “nicely”.

Precisely this. "Oh it's only because he loves how I look naturally."

It's true that wanting to look younger doesn't make you a bad person, but it does make you look a bit sad - trying to defy a perfectly natural process through the use of chemicals and injections.

Why can't you just accept the different beauty that comes with age and experience? For too long, women have been judged and held back on their looks - especially if they don't match the male ideal - and you're just buying into it. Your beauty comes from what you've achieved, who you love and who loves you and the experience and knowledge that's mapped on to our ageing bodies.

[quote VladmirsPoutine]I’d be very wary of any man who tried to control how I look, no matter how “nicely”.

Precisely this. "Oh it's only because he loves how I look naturally."

I don't think the line is what people personally think about various enhancements. The line is how your partner is speaking to you and commenting on your appearance.

For what it's worth, I find it quite sad that we've created a market that disproportionately focuses on women looking a certain way and women looking as young as possible for as long as possible. I also think it's very easy for lots of enhancements to look fake, and the people I know who have had lots of enhancements do come across as very image conscious in other ways too. However, none of that matters because if any man tried to tell me how I should or shouldn't look, the relationship would be over.

I have bleached hair, usually with other colours in it and usually jaw length at most. I wear quite heavy eye makeup - bright eyeshadow and punky eyeliner. DP has told me at various times that he prefers natural hair/long hair/natural makeup. He has been told in no uncertain terms that he is welcome to have natural hair/long hair/natural makeup but I will continue to look how I like to look. He has never mentioned it again.

If your DP is repeatedly saying this to you he's trying to undermine you. Kick him to the kerb.

@Crepescular if he loves her for who she is he should accept that if she wants to modify herself in some way that's HER decision.

When I met my ex I was dressing in one style, lots of makeup, heavily styled hair with streaks in it, low cut top, skinny jeans, fake eyelashes, gel nails, big earrings, tattoos, fake tan etc. Lots of black, also some bright colours. No muted colours though. Yeah I know it's not to everyone's style but it's how I liked to present myself. He tried to turn me into a conservative pearls and twin set type. One of many reasons he is an EX. Accepting someone and loving them for who they are means accepting and loving them with or without their extensions and enhancements. You might have a preference but you don't get to make the person feel like shit, especially if that's how they were when you met them.

[quote Waxonwaxoff0]@Crepescular if he loves her for who she is he should accept that if she wants to modify herself in some way that's HER decision.[/quote]
But he also has a right to say what he feels? She needs to explain why she has treatments and how it makes her feel. If he doesn't accept that and keeps on about it, a relationship rethink is needed

@Crepescular Yes but the OP has said that the 'work' she has had done has effectively given her a confidence boost. She has said that going to the extremes of say 5 boob jobs or whatever isn't what she's aiming for so there's no reason to assume that she's aiming to remodel herself within the male gaze.

@Potpourriandpennysweets I had a similar experience with an ex. Also note the ex.

At the height of his control we dressed almost identically, same colour palettes.

There were constant comments about my weight and diet.

He also bought me a different perfume to the one I'd asked for as a birthday present because he didn't want me to smell that way.

I realised later that was because someone had once described the perfume I'd asked for as sexy. He didn't want me to smell sexy.

There was other abuse so on the face of it the things I've described don't sound like an issue but it was part of his continuing control of me.

@CleanQueen123

Yes exactly! My ex bought me new perfume too! He thought I smelt like a "Chav" I look back now and just wish I had had the nerve to say "that's because I am one you horrible snobby man"

Another time he complained to me that I wasn't "polished" enough, this after I gave up giving makeup because every time I did he thought I was cheating on him. He also controlled the money so I wasn't allowed to go to the beauticians or hairdressers, and made us run our household like a military regime in the mornings, so of course I didn't look polished! I would have needed magical powers.

I will never be controlled like that again and IMO once you let in some of those controlling ways, there are more on the way. Some of these men are just more subtle and chip away more slowly.

We did also wear the same colours yeah. Our whole life had a colour scheme. And no black clothes. Black was banned. Now I wear black every day. Black eye makeup too. All the brown and navy blue are banished forever!

Whether he is BU depends on whether he really likes the natural look (in which case fair enough to express a preference, though not to try to control you) or whether he likes the idea of the natural look - ie, you look amazing with no wrinkles, white teeth, perfect skin, no grey hair, but it's all natural somehow.

Unfortunately I've found quite a few men are the latter. They seem to have forgotten what women actually look like, as most women they see are wearing make up, have dyed hair, etc.

@Potpourriandpennysweets are we talking about the same man? He's not from Wiltshire is he?

Our colour palette was burgundy, navy, and grey.

It was all so subtle I didn't notice it. In fact it was a joke with friends and family that we were so well suited we even dressed similarly.

By the time of the perfume incident I'd cottoned on to it and was already making plans to leave. It was almost the final straw.

I bought the perfume myself in the end and strangely enough I don't have a string of men following me around like the Pied Piper so it's not that sexy

@CleanQueen123

Not Wiltshire but Maybe they were sharing tips!

Could it be a financial thing? Because all those treatments have to be expensive - is he jealous that you have money to spend on treats and he doesn't, or if there's a prospect of moving in together is he laying the groundwork for suggesting your money should be spent on household treats that he would benefit from?