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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think this is a bit shit of my dad

38 replies

allaboutthecrisps · 04/04/2021 00:17

I have been having some minor neurological issues and had to have a brain scan which I told my dad about when we last spoke. We talked on the phone today which we do around every 4-6 weeks (he's not interested in any more contact than that) and he said "weren't you have some appointment about your back or something" (I've had back problems in the past). Am I right in thinking it's a bit shit that my dad can't remember that I was having a scan to check for a potential brain tumour? I often wonder if he cares about me at all and this has made me wonder even more. He's 70 and totally with it btw so it's not a memory issue.

YABU - no reason why your dad should remember this
YANBU - yes a dad would normally remember something as big as this

OP posts:
Stichintime · 04/04/2021 00:20

Its so hard, what we want from our parents compared to what we get.

allaboutthecrisps · 04/04/2021 00:27

Thank you @stitchintime. That's very true. I guess what I want is to matter enough for him to remember when I am having an investigation for possible cancer. Either he didn't register that the worst-case outcome or didn't care.

OP posts:
Stichintime · 04/04/2021 00:30

I don't think its not caring, its either being distracted or self absorbed. I find people get more like this as they get older!

Quit4me · 04/04/2021 00:31

Totally agree with stich
There is so much I want from my own Dad but he just doesn’t seem able to give it.
Let go of your expectations. Try to enjoy what he can give you. It’s the only way to have peace with this sort of situation.
Coming to terms with and being at peace with what he is able to offer you and move forward from there.

allaboutthecrisps · 04/04/2021 00:32

He's not changed. Always been like this really. I don't know quite what I said to my neurologist when he was asking for family history but I described my dad's inability to answer any questions about my childhood so definitively that he put in his report that my dad was dead.

OP posts:
allaboutthecrisps · 04/04/2021 00:34

Thank you @Quit4me. Have you managed to come to terms with this? Do you have any tips? I seem to be stuck in knowing how to do that. He gives nothing emotionally at all btw, nothing at all. Some practical help occasionally but no emotional interest.

OP posts:
Marriagegoingtoimplode · 04/04/2021 00:38

@Stichintime

Its so hard, what we want from our parents compared to what we get.
This with bells on. If you have Dc yourself it seems far worse as you can’t imagine not being there to support your child when they need you even when they are an adult.It really hurts when your own parents don’t step up.
AtrociousCircumstance · 04/04/2021 00:41

It is shit OP and it hurts, and you are allowed to be angry and acknowledge your pain. I do understand what PPs are saying about acceptance but I think it’s more important for you to honour your own feelings here: he’s continually let you down and you feel uncared for and that’s not okay and you deserved better.

Flowers
fishermanjumper · 04/04/2021 00:41

@Stichintime

I don't think its not caring, its either being distracted or self absorbed. I find people get more like this as they get older!
This, in spades. I hope you're OK OP Flowers
AIMD · 04/04/2021 00:42

Yea that falls well below what most people want from a parent or would want to give as a parent.

Unfortualty if he has been like this for a long time, it’s unlikely to change.

It is sad though. I agree with others about trying to come to terms with the relationship and your dad as he is.

Justilou1 · 04/04/2021 00:42

My dad was utterly self-absorbed too. When he died I grieved for the father I never had. I understand. He was cold.

allaboutthecrisps · 04/04/2021 00:44

Thank you all, so much. You've made me cry lots but in a helpful way as yes, he's let me down. Again. And just being able to acknowledge that rather than play the 'you're a great dad' game is helpful for me. He won't change but I can stop playing that game and really acknowledge for myself that this is not great, or even mediocre, parenting.

OP posts:
PennyFalls · 04/04/2021 00:44

Same here OP. Probably like my Dad, too interested in what Cyril was doing in his garage than what news you have.
Last week we had a conversation about my degree "you've got a degree?" (Yes the one you couldn't be arsed to attend the graduation of at the time).
Then he was describing where someone lived "oh you mean that Street I used to work on?"
"Eh?" (Yes that street I worked on for 2 years while living at home, where did you think I went every day for 2 years? - you grrr....).
Some parents are so self absorbed it's unreal, yet you're rude if you don't listen to their inane drivel. I've come to the assumption that they are so used to shutting you down as a child that they don't actually take in what you are saying as an adult.
I digress but you're not alone.
Hope you are on the mend OP Flowers

Howmanysleepsnow · 04/04/2021 00:44

Have you had your scan OP? How did it go?

allaboutthecrisps · 04/04/2021 00:46

Thankfully all was well. It's probably 'just' epilepsy. Not sure why it's come on in my late 40's but possibly hormonal? Big relief that it's not something much worse though.

OP posts:
allaboutthecrisps · 04/04/2021 00:47

Hugs to all of you going through the same.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 04/04/2021 00:52

I so relate OP. Hugs for you too.

crimsonlake · 04/04/2021 00:58

How old are you and how old is your dad?
My dad is dead now and although I loved him he was never the father figure I wanted him to be. Never the strong guide through life in any way as you imagine fathers to be. He was quite a simple man and did not guide me through life at all. My DM is still a strong personality even in her dotage maybe that is why.
I think some parents as we grow up are not very good at support, I just accepted it.

allaboutthecrisps · 04/04/2021 01:07

hi crimson. He's 70. I'm 48. Yes I know what you mean about 'guiding through life'. My dad also would not do this. He would probably pick up the phone if I called in a crisis but would not say anything helpful or ever ask again how I was. He has leant my sister money when she needed it so is more 'available' in that way. I think on some level he 'cares' in that he hopes things work out for me and if he could push a button to make that so he probably would. But he doesn't see it as his role to do any more than that. I don't mean practically just in terms of having your back. I have 2 kids - 16 and 14. I can't imagine being so blase if they might be ill.

OP posts:
Mamanyt · 04/04/2021 01:13

SIGH...I am so sorry. Honestly? YANBU to wish that he paid more attention to what you told him about your health. Not in the least. However, YABU to expect it of him, knowing him as you do.

I hate that for you. I so do. My dad was so loving, and so willing to be involved in my life right up until the end...I so wish you (and everyone else) could have had that, as well.

Italiangreyhound · 04/04/2021 01:27

OP I think Mamanyt has it... "YANBU to wish that he paid more attention to what you told him about your health. Not in the least. However, YABU to expect it of him, knowing him as you do."

I am afraid I put YABU because I don;t think remembering things is a sign of care, speaking for my own life. However, I do think sometimes we want more from some family or friends than we ever get!

And I agree with Stichintime "I don't think its not caring, its either being distracted or self absorbed. I find people get more like this as they get older!"

And I would count myself now in my mid to late 50s in the 'older' category. I can't remember what people tell me. Even special people, even important things! If someone says "Did I tell you XYZ...?" I say you probably did but remind me about that again.

I wonder if a bigger issue is that you say "he's not interested in any more contact than that". He's maybe not nearly as involved or caring as you would like, but maybe this is all he can manage.

I am so glad the results were good and in your shoes I would focus on that. People who cannot give you what you need, well it is sad, but wasting energy over it is a waste, focus on people who do care or on people who you can put that care into them.

Both my parents are now dead, in the case of my dad quite long dead. They showed little interest in my school life and at times I felt frustrated but they fed and clothed us, did our washing and drove me around and were there when needed. I look back now and think they did a lot which at the time I did not appreciate. But in later years became wrapped up very much in their own lives.

Hope you stay well. Thanks

1forAll74 · 04/04/2021 02:30

I think it can happen, that some people can forget some information that they have been given, or get mixed up with things. But yes, some people don't get emotionally involved with people. even their own families.it's not a fault. it's just the way they are, and probably how they have always been..I have come from a family,where some were much the same,but they were all lovely people.no matter what.

Justilou1 · 04/04/2021 03:42

I just remembered this as well... my dad decided to try and give me some fatherly advice for when I grew up, because it was time I “started to think about my future, and plan for my career”, etc.... I was 24, had a degree, had been living overseas (which when you live in Australia is a significant distance away) and hadn’t lived at “home” since I was 17. I genuinely think he thought I was still at high school and didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up. Oblivious.

ZaraW · 04/04/2021 06:20

Unfortunately some parents are shit. I expect nothing from mine. I got cancer when I was working overseas. I told them after treatment as they are so useless. My dad has never asked me once how I'm doing my mum is the same.

joystir59 · 04/04/2021 06:27

Once parents have raised us we need to stop expecting to be parented.

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