to think this is a bit shit of my dad

[allaboutthecrisps]

I have been having some minor neurological issues and had to have a brain scan which I told my dad about when we last spoke. We talked on the phone today which we do around every 4-6 weeks (he's not interested in any more contact than that) and he said "weren't you have some appointment about your back or something" (I've had back problems in the past). Am I right in thinking it's a bit shit that my dad can't remember that I was having a scan to check for a potential brain tumour? I often wonder if he cares about me at all and this has made me wonder even more. He's 70 and totally with it btw so it's not a memory issue.

YABU - no reason why your dad should remember this
YANBU - yes a dad would normally remember something as big as this

I'm in my sixties. My dad died when I was 30. He was a difficult person who was emotionally abusive. I now just accept him warts and all and am so very grateful for all he could and did give me:
A) fantastic consciencious reliable provider for his family who have us stability, security and a safe roof always- thank you dad
B) a very inventive, clever and creative person and I've inherited his creativity- thank you dad
C) Gave me life, I wouldn't be here at all and I wouldn't be me- thank you dad.

All I know is that my Dad is nothing like my Mum- she did the worrying- and remembered everything about me and my family- Dad doesn’t ask anything about me or seems unaware but always asks how the grandchildren are doing- It was the same growing up.It was how he was raised and he didn’t change

He won't change but I can stop playing that game and really acknowledge for myself that this is not great, or even mediocre, parenting

OP, very gently - you're 48. You don't need 'parenting '.

It might be time to forgive your dad, just as one day you'll need your own DCs' forgiveness for your shortcomings. Because you're not perfect either.

I also just want to say that my dad always did his best. He was of a pre-therapy generation and nowadays probably would have been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. But he always did his best and we have to accept that our parents are just human beings.

@Gruntwork

He won't change but I can stop playing that game and really acknowledge for myself that this is not great, or even mediocre, parenting

OP, very gently - you're 48. You don't need 'parenting '.

It might be time to forgive your dad, just as one day you'll need your own DCs' forgiveness for your shortcomings. Because you're not perfect either.

What a patronising post! Of course you still have a role as a parent to adult children. One of the main parts of that role would be to show interest in their lives as a bare minimum. It is entirely understandable that OP is disappointed by her father's seeming lack of being bothered.

My cousin once said "You know how much I love your parents, right? But they are 2 of the most self-centred people I know." so I am probably skewed in expectations by that. Also, I hated my parents interfering in my life at all times, the flip side of them being detached was it gave me freedom to make decisions without pressure.

I just think that by the time you're 48 yrs old it's ok, they are definitely allowed not be that invested in your life. It sounds like OP's dad remembered after 6-8 weeks that OP was having investigations, & the condition could be 'anything'. He spontaneously asked what the outcome was. I don't think that is super self centred, because he remembered there was something going on to ask about.

I have young adult DC & wouldn't want them to get pissed off I couldn't remember their medical developments very specifically.

He remembered that you had a medical appointment. Not everybody looks for the worst-case outcome.
I would be more worried about the neurologist who could not document your responses accurately.

Some of these posts are very ageist. Self absorbed people are self absorbed no matter how old they are. There is no age at which someone clicks into self absorbed mode. I know so many older people with children in their thirties and forties and their children have absolutely no interest in their lives whilst expecting huge amounts of childcare. There is a thread running at the moment from a pregnant woman demanding her mother stop providing childcare for her sister so that her mother can concentrate on taking care of her in her latest stages of pregnancy.
I know terrible stories of elderly people with cancer or with a partner with dementia and they are expected to cheerfully dedicate most of their spare time to childcare. Or they run errands, do diy and provide money from savings and still their middle aged children cannot be bothered to find out what is happening in their parents lives. Self absorption is very common at any age.

@Stichintime

Its so hard, what we want from our parents compared to what we get.

Never a truer word said. For most of us anyway.

Weirdly though, my dad is brilliant. It's my mum who's completely self-absorbed. It's always been the way. Thankfully my dad's maternal enough for them both still not sure he'd remember about an appointment though

I can totally relate.

My parents split when I was about 3 and we would see my dad EOW.... that's it. No other visits in between, and no phone calls either.
I remember as teen crying on the phone to him telliing him we needed more from him but things never changed. It was easier for him to pretend we didn't exist in between visits. Maybe a coping mechanism I don't know.

Now we call every few months. Haven't seen him since the summer. It's my birthday if a few weeks and it's always hit and miss whether he remembers.

But the hardest part is, my stepsister who lives around the corner from him.
He sees her all time. He does stuff for her... DIY, help her pick a car. Meets her for lunch and dinner when is partner is away.
That really stings and you think you shouldn't really care because you're a grown up.... but you do! You really really do

I feel for you op, my dad sounds very similar.
He was great when I was growing up but not interested at all once I hit about 23.
I remember being very ill in hospital for months years ago. He came to see me twice, once at the beginning and once when I was really ill. When I was really ill his first words to me were, ‘we can’t come after this the parking is terrible’.
If I ever mention anything about my health he interrupts me to tell me about his, not interested at all about mine.
Years ago when the kids were very small we were really hard up, I asked if just the kids could go for tea on night, not my dp and I. I explained I had no money for food. He said he would let me know after discussing with step mum, never did. As far as he was concerned we all starved for a few days. He lives around the corner and is well off.
Only took interest in the kids when they were little and cute, after that no interest although he always buys them loads for Christmas and birthdays.
I have been a great daughter to him, I don’t know why he is this way. Only thing I can think of is I remind him of my mum (they separated). Or like others have said he really is just self centred.
Hope you feel better op xx