Chid contact - is EOW and half the holidays fair if...

[OppsUpsSide]

One parent works normal office hours and the other parent works term time only?

If I've been unfair there and he was actually asking for more than 50% of the holidays then I apologise.

The thing with the money is, if I pushed for it through CMS he would be very angry and I don’t want the fight. CMS said he would need a court order for reduced payments but the DC don’t want to sleep over at his on school nights so I don’t want to back him into a corner and make him fight for something the DC don’t want so he can pay a reduced CM amount.

@LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee

The parent working term time only has chosen to earn less in order to work less, same as the office parent could choose to cut their hours and earn less. It shouldn’t impact child visitation schedule.

I’m really not sure teachers think they are working less to earn less 😂

Can't you two adults communicate via each other rather than using DD as a messenger. Poor DD caught in the crossfire.

In an ideal world what does the Ex want, what do the DC want and how old are the DC?

For me, I don't see the point of sending kids to childcare if there is a parent, at home, and free. I just don't. I never will, unless the kids want to go, of course.

However, I probably would offer more time at weekends if I were the term time parent to promote a good relationship with the other parent, again, if the kids wanted that.

After years of conflict I cant be arsed with it for tat, and all the "I do more than you" shite, really can't.

I do believe he should pay CMS based on the time he actually has the children though.

I might be being thick here but is he wanting them half the holidays or not wanting them? It sounds like the latter, which is sad for your poor DC.

Can't you two adults communicate via each other rather than using DD as a messenger.

No I can’t stop him from doing that and neither can I ban her from engaging,m.

FromDespair Yes I think he doesn’t want to see them more in the hole, he did a while back say he expected to see them less in the holidays and more during term time.

It sounds reasonable to me. What is wrong with it? Surely if one parent has to go to work for some of the time while the child is in residence, child care arrangements will be made. The parent who works term time early probably has to have some child care if only picking up and keeping after school for a while. All that seems normal as long as the child is happy with it. How old is he or she?

The term time parent who has the child the majority of the time is entitled to some child free time in the holidays.

I thought it was the standard arrangement although I haven’t pushed for it. But I overheard his sweary rant on the phone to DD today and wondered if actually I was being unreasonable to think that. I don’t know it sounds silly now because his usual stance is that I am difficult about contact but then he has a strop about having them for half the holiday without actually having been asked to do so! And the last time I took them for their EOW contact I had to pick them up first thing Saturday morning as he had plans.
I think I was wondering if he took contact to court if the judge would agree with him that having the DC for half the holidays, even though he doesn’t, is in fact evidence of what a bitch I am as I am off work during those times anyway.
I should probably not be dwelling on this as much as I am!

@OppsUpsSide

FromDespair Yes I think he doesn’t want to see them more in the hole, he did a while back say he expected to see them less in the holidays and more during term time.

I'm struggling to follow this. He wants to see them less than EOW during the holidays?? Or he wants a weekday termtime day in addition to his current EOW and also wants to have them less than half of the hols? And you are offering to swap some of his weekdays over Easter for an extra weekend.

It sounds like you are having to second guess what he wants, and your poor daughter being told by her dad that he wants to see her less. But, while he is not clearly communicating to you what he's asking for, how can he possibly expect you to accommodate whatever his wishes? Main thing for the kids at this point is that they are always, always welcome with you.

Main thing for the kids at this point is that they are always, always welcome with you.

Ahh, thank you! That is what I am going for in a very relaxed ‘but don’t worry I am also happy and busy when you aren’t here’ kind of way.
Writing it out has helped me see things a bit more clearly I think, the moment I hear his displeasure I panic a bit and because I didn’t want DD to get wind of it I have mithered over it in my head all day wondering if I am being unreasonable even though the thing he is cross about hasn’t even happened!
This thread has really helped get a bit of perspective so thanks all for your input.

his sweary rant on the phone to DD today

I don't understand that; he was swearing to his daughter over the 'phone, the one who will be spending half the holidays with him? That sounds dreadful.

If you are at home during school holidays, will he and the ex expect you to do the child care?

Maybe I have misunderstood it all.

@OppsUpsSide

They’d have to make some sort of arrangement to accommodate the school holidays where as the other parent is off then anyway

If a parent is more concerned about having to make arrangements for their own child than the prospect of not seeing them as much, they don't deserve them

I think I really have got hold of the wrong end of the stick on this thread. I initially had the impression op was a stepmother and the child was her husband's by previous marriage, whom he shares with his ex, who works term time only. The op also works term time only. Now I think the op is the mother......

Perhaps I'd better go to bed, I'm becoming confused and that won't help anyone. Night night.

Good luck op, whatever happens.

Your posts are super confusing op, it's really difficult to know what you're saying. This means that people are replying based on what they think you mean. To clarify I think...

Your ex is a complete arsehole who barely wants to see his dc at all, but wants to pretend he does so that he pays less maintenance. Your dc don't like going there.

Is that right?

I think you would be better going for court ordered contact. Get him to actually say what he wants and commit to it.

Then get CMS amended accordingly.

Does he even have leave to cover half the school holidays? Perhaps you should make it 5 weeks? If the DC don't like going surely less is better?

I'm a bit confused as to what everyone wants to be honest. At one point I thought their dad was wanting to see them more.

@RandomMess this is a good idea. It sounds like your Ex hasn't really committed to anything and isn't making it clear what he can do in terms of contact.

The confusion, I think, is because OP is being confused and upset. OP mainly (because I think you need to hear this) he is accusing you of something you haven't done.

It sounds like you are willing to have them more than half the hols and would rather they be with you than with him unwanted, so you should be able to thrash out an arrangement. But make sure the finances take account of the change. And do bear in mind that jobs can change. Some professional input to help future proof would be good though. If you need to work year round in future then it would be ridiculous for you to have to pay for most of the childcare, just because you used to work term time only.

Such a shame for your daughter but hooray that they have you.

It's not acceptable that the exP is having a rant to the child about contact.