Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Expected to dtd when not in the mood?

36 replies

Lulu573 · 03/04/2021 18:23

So I get that I have a newborn, dc will be coming up to 5 months soon. Me and dp have not had anytime to ourselves let alone for our relationship, and I understand that this is all typical when you have a baby. We havent had a sex either, we never can between being tied to our little one and having parents around us. The problem I have is when we finally do have a minute alone, dp pounces on me. I get that we dont get to choose our free time and it's so rare that when we do have it we'd be foolish not to try and dtd. However it just does not get me in the mood. What happened to the build up, without the romance leading up to the moment I'm just not ever interested which results in a rejected dp and a very unsatisfied me. We havent had a date in god knows how long, lockdown and baby have made sure of that. We dont do foreplay, theres no time for that. When we are alone it's only down for a quickie incase the baby wakes or the parents come back. I just dont know how long our sex life (or lack of) can continue like this. It's like someone just coming up to you on a first date and trying it on without even putting in the effort beforehand. I know it may all be temporary and one of those phases but my gosh I'm just abit put off and upset about it. Okay rant over!

OP posts:

Gruntwork · 03/04/2021 18:25

What does he say when you tell him what you've said here?

peachhouses · 03/04/2021 18:28

YABU to call a 5 month old a newborn

Rillington · 03/04/2021 18:29

A 5 month old is far from a newborn.

picklemewalnuts · 03/04/2021 18:32

So ignore the newborn comments. You have a small baby.

You don't need to have sex you don't want, that said you do want to have an intimate relationship with your husband.

You both need to make time. He needs to take the baby while you have a bath and make sure you are getting your full ration of sleep. You need to remind yourself that you like him, and want a sexual relationship with him.

It will only work if you both put thought and effort into it.

It's worth sorting it now- this doesn't really get easier when you have a clingy toddler, either!

NailsNeedDoing · 03/04/2021 18:33

Sometimes, even if you don’t feel like it, you will end up enjoying it if you just get on with it.

CanIHaveAHolidayPlease · 03/04/2021 18:34

Why are your parents there so often?

I did wonder how you managed to have a newborn and 5month old. Had to read it twice! what time does he / she go to bed? Could you not schedule a date night one evening?

Leeds2 · 03/04/2021 18:35

Are your parents, or in laws, living with you?

Wearywithteens · 03/04/2021 18:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Howshouldibehave · 03/04/2021 18:47

Are you living with a baby at your parents’ house?

I wouldn’t react well to being pounced on every time there was 5 minutes of peace, and would tell DP exactly why!

Original poster

Lulu573 · 03/04/2021 18:50

Sorry didnt mean newborn I meant new baby (ftm). Yes we live with parents whilst saving for our place. The thing is that generally we are good to each other like that, if I need time alone or do does we will take over for each other so he can do what he wants and I can do what I want. It's more so when its comes to us together, we dont have time alone anymore. And when we do I cant have sex on demand like that, I dont have a switch to just be on board with it like he does. In no way am I trying to bad mouth my dp, he is trying and he is doing the best given the circumstances but I just cant play ball and I guess I'm upset with myself because if not then, when?

OP posts:

Howshouldibehave · 03/04/2021 18:56

Are you not alone in bed each night?

HavelockVetinari · 03/04/2021 18:57

Yikes, no wonder you're not in the mood - a small baby and living with parents would kill most people's libido stone dead! When can you move out? DH and I had date nights regularly when DS was 5 months old (just sitting by the fire with some wine and either chatting, watching a film or playing board games, leading up to sex fairly often) but the notion of having parents around downstairs in the evening would have meant zero dates. YANBU at all - most women need time and intimacy to get into the mood, unlike most men who can go 0-60 in ten seconds.

HavelockVetinari · 03/04/2021 18:57

@Howshouldibehave

Are you not alone in bed each night?

Their baby is 5 months old, so almost certainly still in their bedroom

SnackSizeRaisin · 03/04/2021 18:59

Tell him how you feel. Can't you do it quietly at night when your parents are in? Or are the walls too thin?

Original poster

Lulu573 · 03/04/2021 19:08

Half the time baby is in bed with us or on me for feeds during the night. Parents bedroom next door. @HavelockVetinari just reading that made me envious, how I'd love for a date night just the two of us by the tv. Doesnt need to be anything special just being in each other's company like that is what I'd like. And your so right men can get themselves ready by just the mention of the word but for women it takes alot more mood setting. That's why foreplay is a thing. After going through a traumatic birth the last thing I feel up for are quickest I need some wine and dining!

OP posts:

Newbiemum20 · 03/04/2021 19:10

Our little one is approaching 5 months and we have been lucky and got her into a routine fairly fast - after bath time she's fast asleep by 7pm. We have her upstairs in our room while we have 'our time' downstairs. (I have the monitor on) Appreciate that you can't with parents, but how about if you lie in bed in the early evenings just having a kiss and cuddle whilst she's asleep and then you can have a big more time to get into the mood. If hasn't put us off doing it in the same room as her - babies have no clue! 🙈

Jaxhog · 03/04/2021 19:24

@NailsNeedDoing

Sometimes, even if you don’t feel like it, you will end up enjoying it if you just get on with it.

Isn't this what rapists say?

MrsBellamy · 03/04/2021 19:26

Could you and your DP try sexting each other as a sort of sneaky foreplay throughout the day in preparation for when the parents go out so that you're more in the mood?

You could even ask parents to take baby out a walk or to the supermarket etc to give you the house to yourself for a while.

BonnieDundee · 03/04/2021 19:36

Sometimes, even if you don’t feel like it, you will end up enjoying it if you just get on with it.

Chocolateismakingmefat · 03/04/2021 19:39

Welcome to parenthood!!
Ime you will learn to appreciate grabbed moments to have sex!!
Or everyone would have just 1 dc!!

imalmostthere · 03/04/2021 19:42

@NailsNeedDoing

Sometimes, even if you don’t feel like it, you will end up enjoying it if you just get on with it.

Jesus Christ - please never repeat this again. I'm honestly lost for words.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 03/04/2021 19:51

Try it with an 8 week old baby who co sleeps a 7 year old that tries to climb into your bed on random nights and a 12 year old who goes to bed later than you do, and is always wandering around the house.
Unfortunately, for most people, once you have kids you're not going to get time everytime for foreplay and romance before hand. This morning we had a quickie as soon as I got the baby to sleep, let the 7 year old play the PlayStation and the 12 year old was still asleep.
If you don't want to have sex, you don't have to, but 5 months down the line is quite a long time to go without. Trust me, I don't have much interest at the moment and I can tell dp is gagging for it most of the time, but my third ruined me, and its taking a long time for things to go back to normal. If you do want to have sex then grab your chance while you can. It won't last long if you're getting your own place soon.

Nancydrawn · 03/04/2021 19:57

It sounds like a frustrating experience all around. Have you communicated to him that you're open to having sex but that you need to ease into it a bit more? Have you told him you'd like a date? Everything changes after a baby, and people who haven't gone through it can find it hard to intuit that--things that might have seemed spontaneous and passionate before now feel rushed or untoward.

If you've talked to him openly and he's not listening, that's a problem. If you haven't talked to him, I think communication is key.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 03/04/2021 19:57

We also had my mum living with us last year for 6 months, so the 5/6 year old at the time was in beside us, in a small single bed. We still grabbed our chance when we could.

Original poster

Lulu573 · 03/04/2021 19:58

@NailsNeedDoing I dont want to pry but I really hope your not instigating that into your sex life. That's a really unhealthy mindset to have. No one should just open their legs and give into sex with the hope that they will enjoy it. If it's a no before anything even begins then it's a no go

OP posts:

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread