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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Expected to dtd when not in the mood?

36 replies

Lulu573 · 03/04/2021 18:23

So I get that I have a newborn, dc will be coming up to 5 months soon. Me and dp have not had anytime to ourselves let alone for our relationship, and I understand that this is all typical when you have a baby. We havent had a sex either, we never can between being tied to our little one and having parents around us. The problem I have is when we finally do have a minute alone, dp pounces on me. I get that we dont get to choose our free time and it's so rare that when we do have it we'd be foolish not to try and dtd. However it just does not get me in the mood. What happened to the build up, without the romance leading up to the moment I'm just not ever interested which results in a rejected dp and a very unsatisfied me. We havent had a date in god knows how long, lockdown and baby have made sure of that. We dont do foreplay, theres no time for that. When we are alone it's only down for a quickie incase the baby wakes or the parents come back. I just dont know how long our sex life (or lack of) can continue like this. It's like someone just coming up to you on a first date and trying it on without even putting in the effort beforehand. I know it may all be temporary and one of those phases but my gosh I'm just abit put off and upset about it. Okay rant over!

OP posts:

Original poster

Lulu573 · 03/04/2021 19:58

*sorry meant to say implementing not instigating

OP posts:

LolaSmiles · 03/04/2021 20:03

There's a difference between being expected to put up and shut up or lie back and think of England because a man has 'needs' and is being an irritating or coercive pest, and thinking 'I'm not super up for it, but I'm not opposed so we'll have some time together and see what happens'.

The first is awful and nobody should ever tell someone they should be having obligation sex, but the second could be reasonable if it's a case of switching off other things someone thinks they should be doing and seeing what happens.

If at any point one partner is being a whiny, moody nag about it then it's in the first category and is coercive.

Original poster

Lulu573 · 03/04/2021 20:03

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion I'm glad it works for you. I guess I'm more of a different type of person. I need stimulation before I get to it. I cant just jump on the band wagon with dp, I really wish I could this whole situation would be alot simplier. Maybe part of it also has to do with the fact I am a ftm and feel vunerable, and dont need a wam bam thankyou mam kinda time but rather compassion love and care if I even begin to think of having sex past bf and looking after baby. Also being around parents and baby 24/7 is just off putting altogether. The parents dont work and are home all the time so it's not like we can think oh we can go and a date at this time and then know the house will be free for sex when we get back. If they do go out ( which is so rare because of lockdown) we dont know when or for how long it will be. Which makes it hard.

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 03/04/2021 20:04

Never mind “romance”: no foreplay, no shag, otherwise he’s just enjoying himself at your expense. No wonder you’re not in the mood.

Cam2020 · 03/04/2021 20:06

It's difficult with a baby but the living situation is making things even more difficult. Hopefully it's just a short term problem. Any chance of a short break when thing open up? Even with baby, that removes one of the obstacles!

LouiseTrees · 03/04/2021 20:20

[quote Lulu573]**@Iminaglasscaseofemotion* I'm glad it works for you. I guess I'm more of a different type of person. I need stimulation before I get to it. I cant just jump on the band wagon with dp, I really wish I could this whole situation would be alot simplier. Maybe part of it also has to do with the fact I am a ftm and feel vunerable, and dont need a wam bam thankyou mam kinda time but rather compassion love and care if I even begin to think of having sex past bf and looking after baby. Also being around parents and baby 24/7 is just off putting altogether. The parents dont work and are home all the time so it's not like we can think oh we can go and a date at this time and then know the house will be free for sex when we get back. If they do go out ( which is so* rare because of lockdown) we dont know when or for how long it will be. Which makes it hard.[/quote]
I was thinking Couldn’t you ask them ( your parents) to take the baby out for an hour or two or whatever? With the guise that you are finding you never have time alone and it’s damaging the relationship ( act as if it’s for talking time rather than sex time). Then you would have time. I mean I suppose it doesn’t work if you are exclusively breastfeeding and baby is still sporadic feeding rather than a routine of sorts but otherwise it might.

georgarina · 03/04/2021 20:28

I know what you mean!! Was exactly the same after DS was born - like all romance and attraction went out the window, and it did nothing to put me in the mood. I would see if you can get your parents to babysit, go for dinner, then see what happens.

HowManyToes · 03/04/2021 20:37

@NailsNeedDoing

Sometimes, even if you don’t feel like it, you will end up enjoying it if you just get on with it.

What the actual fuck? 😮

SweetMeadow · 03/04/2021 20:41

I hear you OP and totally get where you are coming from. Slow build up, gentle and compassionate is what I needed and still do 2 years on. 💐

Somethingsnappy · 03/04/2021 22:03

@Howshouldibehave

Are you not alone in bed each night?

I expect their baby, being only 5 months, is with them

Justgorgeous · 03/04/2021 22:43

@NailsNeedDoing What a dreadful thing to say.

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