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Original poster

Teen Sleepovers

44 replies

WitchyBolloxNStuff · 03/04/2021 18:11

Teen DS (just turned 15) has a close friendship with a couple of girls. They are Y11 so year above him and from what I know are quite forward when it comes to boys/relationships. DS has always kind of been a younger brother type to them but obviously he has grown up a lot over the last year and looks much older so definitely more on par with them. He is much more mature personality wise than most his friends the same age so he does tend to hang out with people the year above.

Since being allowed out with 1 person he has gone out with these girls (separately to my knowledge) and walking outside.

Today he has asked to go to a sleepover at one of their houses, both girls will be there. Easy one to say no to as lockdown rules don't allow at the moment. He has complained that we had family over yesterday (in the garden mainly but sometimes inside however they are our childcare for DS2 and we are all vaccinated and kids/parents are tested twice a week so covid risk minimal)

He is saying that I would say no anyway (I may well do, not sure yet) and is saying I am out of order as we had people over. Clearly they are not sleeping over and we know they have been adhering to rules so totally different IMO. I don't know the girls parents and I feel at 15/16 this is definitely the age where things are likely to happen at sleep overs. I have been told that the girls have been in sexual relationships already which is fine, they are 16 and its not my business, but my DS is my business.

I get that if DS wants to do anything he will, however I feel i should be checking with the girls parents and also i don't think I am unreasonable in wanting to discuss it properly with DS. He omits info, for instance he is out at his organised sports training and his phone is here, i saw his Snapchat pop up on his phone lock screen and on his chat there is also another boy who he failed to mentioned was supposed to be on this sleepover, so 16 yo boy, 2 x 16 yo girls and DS who turned 15 last month. So he's lied about who is going.

I am not entirely sure how to handle this, I dont want it to be a blanket no but it will be whilst covid restrictions are in place, but after covid, would you allow it if you spoke to the girls parents? I mean if they are going to have sex they will regardless. It may be that they are just friends but he tells us so little we have no clue.

I want him to open up more but not sure how to get him to do so, we are really lenient about stuff so I have no idea why he's so closed off. He seems to want a yes or no with no discussion at all.

He has been so easy till now so I really thought he would be mature enough to have a reasonable discussion so I am a bit stunned TBH.

Any tips most welcome, TIA! I know this is a bit jumbled but I am not sure how to explain my worries really.

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 03/04/2021 18:13

No, I wouldn’t allow that sleepover until he has left school. Your house, your rules.
But you do need to have ‘that’ conversation and, I personally, got my DS some condoms from the GP when he got to that age.

Frenchfancy · 03/04/2021 18:18

Definitely no mixed sleepovers at 15. We allowed it at 17 in the context of a party/ group get together.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 03/04/2021 18:21

It’d be a no from me but I would then worry that he’ll become sneaky and just lie about what he’s doing. Tricky one.

Original poster
WitchyBolloxNStuff · 03/04/2021 18:22

Thanks @DinosaurDiana that was my gut feeling re when is appropriate.

I'm not a huge fan of 'my house my rules' TBH as I don't feel that I should just lay down rules without a reasonable discussion, this can also lead to lies etc but obviously I would absolutely do so if need be.

If he was closer to 16 I may feel differently but he was 14 a few weeks ago, that is still quite young (and possibly naive compared to 16 yo sexually active girls)

OP posts:
Original poster
WitchyBolloxNStuff · 03/04/2021 18:24

@bigsandyball2015 this is my main worry. I would rather know where he is even if I don't want him to be there.

We need to have a proper chat I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
WitchyBolloxNStuff · 03/04/2021 18:25

From 16 I wouldn't say no as long as I knew who was actually going to be there.

OP posts:
OtherwiseKnownAsSheilaTh3Great · 03/04/2021 18:34

It'd be a no from me and my youngest is 14. And it would be a blanket no for a good few years

However (in normal times) I'd be willing to reach a compromise and that compromise would be for him to spend an evening over there (or have friends over himself in your house) - and I'd be open to a time negotiation on when the evening ends. But to actually sleeping over - definitely not.

And yep I know that they could do whatever they fancied before lights out for the night but that's almost by the by. I'd feel my role would be to minimise that. I wouldn't be comfortable with 15 year old boys having sleepovers with girls - for his protection, their protection and just because it makes sense logically all round

Original poster
WitchyBolloxNStuff · 03/04/2021 18:38

I agree re protecting them all @OtherwiseKnownAsSheilaTh3Great part of me feels that they emphasis is still on the boys regardless of him being younger.

He can go over there for the evening when restrictions allow, I probably wouldn't have thought twice about that even though if anything will happen it will happen whilst they are awake and not asleep. I have no idea if either girl is his girlfriend as he hasn't told us and to me that does make a difference.

OP posts:
SunnySideUp2020 · 03/04/2021 18:44

If it's about sex they will do it anyway
Whether at a sleepover or at other times during the day...
You need to ask about his intentions and potential sexual contact. I mean he is 15... it's normal to want to do it. Hormones going crazy! He will probably act all mortified and all but at least he should get the message that you are aware of things.
But he really needs to understand that he is your responsibility and for that reason transparency is required. And you aren't just saying no to punish him but because it might not be appropriate. And yeah please get him condoms. Even if it is awkward...

SunnySideUp2020 · 03/04/2021 18:46

Not a mum yet but I also wanted sleepovers at 15/16 for this reason and i think that would have been a good approach from my parents.
(They never really bothered with all this and were just allowing everything)

Unhomme · 03/04/2021 18:48

It's a sleepover with two girls...if you say yes you'll be his hero for life....

So no and he'll harbour a grudge for years...

Let.him go I say

Unhomme · 03/04/2021 18:50

Also, stop looking at his phone...

SnackSizeRaisin · 03/04/2021 18:54

I would not allow it. Based on what you've said, there is likely to be some sexual goings on. Fine to spend the evening but not the night. It leaves him vulnerable to things happening that he isn't mature enough to deal with.
If you knew the parents and the arrangement was that the boys would sleep in a different room, or you thought it was all platonic, that would be different.
If he had a girlfriend at that age would you let her stay over in his room? In a way this group situation with slightly older girls is riskier still due to the peer pressure element.

Oblomov21 · 03/04/2021 18:56

At Ds1's school pre covid there were loads of overnight mixed parties. Tonnes.

Original poster
WitchyBolloxNStuff · 03/04/2021 19:16

@Oblomov21 mixed party sleepovers are slightly different than just 2 girls and 2 boys i think.

I have just spoken to him and he said he knows why I am bothered but that they are just friends, he also said what is the difference picking me up at midnight or 8am, he is right technically! He said they are older than me, they are not interested in me like that. It may well be true.

@Unhomme are you actually serious? I dont need to be his hero, I am his parent. His phone was charging next to me, he put it there, notifications pop up on the lock screen, the message was from a boy on their chat group saying 'will check re sleepover'. My assumption from this is that he is also invited so I think this made it seem worse, as there would be 2 'couples'. We have always been open with passwords but I havent checked his phone since he was 13. I haven't felt the need, and still don't.

My parents let me do as I pleased, this is why it is difficult to get the balance right. I was having sex at his age with boys/men several years older so I dont feel I am in a great place to be objective about it.

@SnackSizeRaisin I wouldn't let a 15 yo girl stay over in his room, even if I thought it was platonic. I do think people don't think of under age boys in the same way though. The girls are almost 18 months older so it is a fair amount when it comes to several development, especially that way round. Most of the 15/16 year old girls at my school were sleeping with 17/18 yos. Most of the boys weren't as experienced.

I dont think him actually having sex is my biggest worry, I think its like you said, he may not be ready yet and a number of other things that could go wrong of course.

OP posts:
Original poster
WitchyBolloxNStuff · 03/04/2021 19:16

*sexual not several.

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Oblomov21 · 03/04/2021 19:17

I know, I was just referring to the fact that lots of sex, lots of opportunities, go on. Most MN'ers seem horrified by this idea.

RubyFakeLips · 03/04/2021 19:27

I've always said to mine that if they don't give me the information, I can't make a decision so it becomes an automatic no. Other than the second boy, is there anything he is specifically cagey about?

He needs to have open conversations with you. Transparency equals trust. He is asking you to trust him in this scenario so needs to trust you in advance.

I probably wouldn't tell him just yet you know about the other boy, as you can use this to judge when he's starting to be honest and you don't want this to turn into a row about his phone.

That being said, he's 15, you say he's mature and that just having sex isn't the big concern. Not letting him stay over won't limit sexual activity. They do it whenever they can, like adults.

I would let him stay over, IF, you are able to have an open and honest conversation with him and you feel confident he is armed with a fair understanding of contraception (provide him with condoms) and consent.

CurlyMango · 03/04/2021 19:33

I would speak and discuss with him. Defo get condoms and discuss responsibilities and choice. Then let him. He’s right, midnight, 8am, 11am etc, they will if they want to.

CurlyMango · 03/04/2021 19:34

Oh and that’s why we tend to host. Make them all welcome, mixed sleepovers, and they all relax.

Original poster
WitchyBolloxNStuff · 03/04/2021 19:36

@Oblomov21 yes definitely, I find on MN there is generally an odd expectation about teens not having sex even at 16, from my experience more were having sex at 15/16 than weren't, I am fairly certain its no different now.

@RubyFakeLips I am not sure re the being cagey, he always seems reluctant to say who he is going out with but I think that may be because it is with a girl. I havent mentioned I saw the boys message. I have no reason to think he's lying about anything else, me not letting him go won't stop him having sex. I feel I could allow it if he was open about who was going, the relationship he has with either girl and also that I knew the parents were OK with it, and aware of his age. I know how much I was drinking at 16 coming up 17 in comparison to 15 also so there is always that issue on top.

OP posts:
Original poster
WitchyBolloxNStuff · 03/04/2021 19:41

@CurlyMango I'm always happy to host them here.

Obviously I would rather him not have sex yet, he was 14 just a few weeks ago so I feel the responses would be so different if he was a girl but essentially they will if they want to like you say. I just feel I need to get this right from the first sleepover of this kind to avoid any issues going forward.

OP posts:
RubyFakeLips · 03/04/2021 19:45

In my experience (4 boys, 2 gone past teens and 2 currently in their teens), I would not expect to be speaking to the parents in this scenario. I've hosted these sorts of group sleepovers, far too many times unfortunately, and would be quite shocked if a parent got in contact for this. Realistically, I don't think you can expect any kind of supervision either.

Sex does go on at mixed sleepovers, but it also doesn't a lot of the time, really depends on the dynamic of the group.

Try to have some heart to hearts with him.

You can only influence the behaviour of your son, and you've maybe got another year of saying no available to you. You want to encourage him to make the right choices whatever the situation not just delay him encountering challenging situations.

Does he drink? Do they drink? How will he manage this scenario? Talk about this. Talk about why he won't tell you who he's with, is he just embarassed, or something else? You should be able to gauge from his answers.

Original poster
WitchyBolloxNStuff · 03/04/2021 20:09

Thanks @RubyFakeLips speaking to parents is probably not the deal breaker for me, more to really understand what is going on and to feel 100% he is being honest. I definitely don't expect supervision at all. I must say I wouldn't be happy with an underage girl staying over if it was the other way round and my son was 16 and sexually active. I feel like that is us being responsible.

Thanks for being honest regarding a parent contacting you, like I said I had no boundaries at all as a 14/15 yo so I fund it hard to judge, to be fair I never lied to my parents as I didn't need to but there was a lot of sex, drink and drugs at the mixed sleepovers I was at so it wasn't ideal but its how teens are I guess.

I don't want to say no just because I can, I would much rather be able to trust he will do the right thing, or at least be as careful as possible.

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 03/04/2021 20:28

No I wouldn’t, at 15 he is still a child and under the legal age for sex so a mixed sleepover wouldn’t be on the cards here.

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