Teen Sleepovers

[WitchyBolloxNStuff]

Teen DS (just turned 15) has a close friendship with a couple of girls. They are Y11 so year above him and from what I know are quite forward when it comes to boys/relationships. DS has always kind of been a younger brother type to them but obviously he has grown up a lot over the last year and looks much older so definitely more on par with them. He is much more mature personality wise than most his friends the same age so he does tend to hang out with people the year above.

Since being allowed out with 1 person he has gone out with these girls (separately to my knowledge) and walking outside.

Today he has asked to go to a sleepover at one of their houses, both girls will be there. Easy one to say no to as lockdown rules don't allow at the moment. He has complained that we had family over yesterday (in the garden mainly but sometimes inside however they are our childcare for DS2 and we are all vaccinated and kids/parents are tested twice a week so covid risk minimal)

He is saying that I would say no anyway (I may well do, not sure yet) and is saying I am out of order as we had people over. Clearly they are not sleeping over and we know they have been adhering to rules so totally different IMO. I don't know the girls parents and I feel at 15/16 this is definitely the age where things are likely to happen at sleep overs. I have been told that the girls have been in sexual relationships already which is fine, they are 16 and its not my business, but my DS is my business.

I get that if DS wants to do anything he will, however I feel i should be checking with the girls parents and also i don't think I am unreasonable in wanting to discuss it properly with DS. He omits info, for instance he is out at his organised sports training and his phone is here, i saw his Snapchat pop up on his phone lock screen and on his chat there is also another boy who he failed to mentioned was supposed to be on this sleepover, so 16 yo boy, 2 x 16 yo girls and DS who turned 15 last month. So he's lied about who is going.

I am not entirely sure how to handle this, I dont want it to be a blanket no but it will be whilst covid restrictions are in place, but after covid, would you allow it if you spoke to the girls parents? I mean if they are going to have sex they will regardless. It may be that they are just friends but he tells us so little we have no clue.

I want him to open up more but not sure how to get him to do so, we are really lenient about stuff so I have no idea why he's so closed off. He seems to want a yes or no with no discussion at all.

He has been so easy till now so I really thought he would be mature enough to have a reasonable discussion so I am a bit stunned TBH.

Any tips most welcome, TIA! I know this is a bit jumbled but I am not sure how to explain my worries really.

Some parents seem to think that 15 is practically an adult and how dare you spoil his fun! You should be loading him up with condoms and dropping him off ....

Go with your instincts OP. There's a compromise to be had here which doesn't involve him staying overnight.

@OtherwiseKnownAsSheilaTh3Great I do wish I had changed DS to DD and the 16 yos had been boys in my OP just to get that view from everyone. I doubt that anyone would say to ensure a 15 yo girl has condoms and let her go. That said I am not 100% against him going once lockdown is over but I would need to feel more comfortable than I do now.

Personally I don't think that 15 yos are nearly adults but they are nearly the age of consent so it is likely to be soon that they will be having sex but getting that balance of being too cool (or his hero as someone put it) and being so strict that they will just lie and go behind your back is quite tricky. I think lockdown has made things quite hard for teens of this age, last summer probably would have been the year as parents we would have been dealing with DSs boundaries of where and when he was going out etc and it would have opened up lots of conversations. Instead they have been stuck indoors or meeting people with very strict rules in place.

@Oblomov21

At Ds1's school pre covid there were loads of overnight mixed parties. Tonnes.

This is part of the problem. Having read through pretty much every single one of the everyone’s invited website testimonials now, I feel it’s time to put the breaks on a bit in terms of freedom gifted to next generations. 11pm and 8am are different. An 11pm end point gives a DC the opportunity to go home if a party doesn’t go the way they had expected. It provides a safe get out space & opportunity to talk to a parent about how the party went. For a first sleep over like this it keeps some boundaries in tact. Why does the first one have to be until 8am. Let DS explore having longer time with these other teens and see if he enjoys their company. If so, perhaps this can lead to longer sleepovers going forward. If they are good, true friends they will understand

I remember agonising about a similar situation when DS1 was 15 and he and his best mates got invited to spend the night at my friends dgtrs house whilst the parents were away. Along with 8 girls from their class.
DS sorted it for me in the end as he just said that he thought it was a bad idea and had the potential to go wrong

Have a read of the testimonies from teenagers on www.everyonesinvited.uk/read-testimonies-page-30 for an idea of what goes on. It will make you weep.

You will see that teenagers lie to their parents all the time for lots of different reasons. Yes, because they want to get away with stuff, but also because they're scared and think they should be able to handle stuff by themselves; because they're trying to protect their parents from hurt; because they want to seem adult; because they don't know what to do; because they think they'll get into trouble.

The stories told are really about peer pressure and how it makes children behave. And many teenagers of both sexes would want their parents (or anyone, really) to step up and protect them, without them having to ask for it - because they can't.

@weedoogie oh there is probably nothing I could read that I didn't get up to or that didn't happen to me but I will take a look, thank you as its easy to forget how it feels at the age. I think that is part of the problem, I am not entirely sure what is 'normal' and I could handle myself pretty well but I was a lot more streetwise than DS, I went to a fairly rough school whereas DS at a tiny private school.

Its hard as so far he has done nothing to not have my trust so he doesn't deserve for me to say no because it's easier for me to not have to worry. I guess I need to figure out what I am worried about and express that properly to him. I have spoken to DH and said I think it may be better coming from him (DS and I are quite similar personality wise so we can clash at times). Trouble is DH is a bit laid back and I will have to keep pushing him to have that chat.

These things don't magically get better at 16 so I know I need to allow him a reasonable amount of freedom now to make sensible decisions in the future when we have less input.

I went on a few mixed sleepovers as a teen, but they were cast parties for our drama club, and they were chaperoned by a few adults (a mix of laid back parents and a few of the more anxious ones like my mom).

The boy pal of ours in high school had a few sleepovers with one of my closest friends, who had a more laid back mom. My pal saw him as a brother. He came out when he was about to leave our town for uni.

IME, if you're worried about sexual activity (which is reasonable to me ... I don't think I've read whether your DS thinks his pals are attractive, only that he's sure they aren't to him), then the difference between picking him up at midnight / 1:30 am and 8 am is that a couple of shy-ish teens will feel more confident with trying out physical stuff in the dark, in a sleeping bag. Less chance to turn the lights out and go to "sleep", less chance of doing something risky at an age that's really too young for the risk.

@preech I am not sure if he is attracted to them or not, he hasn't said. He is quite shy but they are more experienced so probably a recipe for disaster at his age. If he was closer to 16 I may feel differently. There are so many things that make it more tricky for teens now, social media is probably the main one!

We had a mixed sleepover at 15 and have had some more since, we know the kids and they all slept in the lounge, was fine

Flowers24 - this isn't the same as a mixed sleepover of 15 yos. I dont really know the girls, they are both 16, it would likely be 2 girls, 2 boys, the other boy is Y11 also and 16 already. My DS was 15 last month. This feels more intimate than a group of teens having a sleepover in a lounge. I know both the girls drink a fair bit also.

If they were here I may feel more comfortable.

''If it's about sex they will do it anyway
Whether at a sleepover or at other times during the day...
You need to ask about his intentions and potential sexual contact. I mean he is 15... it's normal to want to do it. Hormones going crazy...And yeah please get him condoms. Even if it is awkward....! ''

Amazes me how people on mn are ok with condoning their children having sex and no he is 15-that is a child. I can imagine the reaction on here of a man giving his 15 yo daughter condoms because her hormones were raging and she was going to have sex regardless.

'' I do wish I had changed DS to DD and the 16 yos had been boys in my OP just to get that view from everyone. I doubt that anyone would say to ensure a 15 yo girl has condoms and let her go. That said I am not 100% against him going once lockdown is over but I would need to feel more comfortable than I do now.''

my thoughts exactly, people think 15 yo boys and boys past 12 are fair game for sex and young men when no they are bloody children and NOT ready for sex. Double standards.

''we know the kids and they all slept in the lounge, was fine''

so because you ''know'' them means they are angelic?

''You will see that teenagers lie to their parents all the time for lots of different reasons''

yea but in mn parents know their kids and they either know when they are lying or they would never lie to them.

''It's a sleepover with two girls...if you say yes you'll be his hero for life....

So no and he'll harbour a grudge for years...

Let.him go I say''

FFS are you actually for real? So we must do exactly what our kids request or they qwill begrudge us? We are parents and their protectors, NOT their friends. If every person begrudged their parent for years after a parent said no nobody would chat to their parents anywhere. Oh and would you let you 15 yo daughter sleepover with 2 16 yo boys???

@thatwasme22 there are some serious double standards on here. It definitely wouldn't be the same answers if it was a girl however I dont think a blanket no is necessarily a good thing either and often on MN it would be until they are 18. They do have to learn to make their own mistakes for sure but there is definitely a big difference between sending them out to do it with encouragement and putting the right boundaries in place. MN seems to he either extreme of locked indoors till 21 or free to do whatever.

I had mixed sleepovers in my mums lounge from 14/15. They knew all the kids but I can assure you it was far from innocent once the lights were out. I think it is still safer as whilst there was stuff happening sneakily under the duvets there wasn't the opportunity for a very young couple to be completely alone and that does keep it safer IMO.

It really isn't that unusual for 15 yos to have sex though, I would say usually they are closer to 16 than 14 but its definitely not uncommon.

''I had mixed sleepovers in my mums lounge from 14/15. They knew all the kids but I can assure you it was far from innocent once the lights were out.''

And then that should tell you why no is the way it should be. I don't get this whole ''they will do it anyway'', well perhaps they will smoke weed too also but would you let your kids smoke it under your roof?

OP just out of interest if this was your freshly turned 15 daughter would you even have to ask was it ok for her to sleep over with 2 16 yo boys?

@thatwasme22 I think teens having sex is not comparable to smoking weed really and they will do it anyway but as a parent I believe I should ensure he is safe whatever he is doing so to ban something that is inevitable seems wrong. I dont think all teens are going to smoke weed and to be honest it is no safer to do that outside in a park or at home in the garden anyway.

I am not sure if I'd be asking on here if it was my 15 yo daughter but I do know the responses would be very different, however the issue is still the same, if I said a blanket no to a DD then they may lie and do it anyway so it's still not ideal. I had a friend who was never allowed to sleepover even at her female friends houses so she used to climb out her bedroom window so they never knew where she was. I would rather allow them to go and prepare them properly than have them lie to me and sneak out but in reality I would rather him not go at all just yet.

I just don't think it is black and white, I am not naive enough to think that if he say no that he is going to not have sex if he wants to but obviously I don't want to pack him off to go do it either. He may not even be at that stage yet and it may just be completely platonic anyway.

DH is going to chat to him and see if we can find out more about what is happening and what he is thinking.