Should I tell mum how I really feel about her?

[Mummyongin]

I have a bad relationship with my mum. Since having my own kids, it’s made me reflect on how I was parented and angry towards my mum. She wasn’t cruel or abusive but looking back she neglected me emotionally. She knew I was struggling in childhood but didn’t ever talk to me about it. She says she “tried” to help but I don’t feel that way. We don’t communicate well, she is a closed book and doesn’t communicate with anyone really. I have made a few attempts to talk to her gently about how I feel but it obviously upsets her which gets awkward as she doesn’t want to get upset. I’ve mostly tried to protect her from my anger as I think she can’t handle her own emotions hence couldn’t deal with mine, but the anger is only getting worse and I don’t know what to do with it.

I wonder if you could work through it away from her, with a counsellor, and find a way to forgive her without her agreeing with you? From what you describe she will only get defensive and make your resentment grow. What I think you really want to do is work through your experiences and that’s something you can do without her involvement.

Hi OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. Having your own children can be a difficult time emotionally, as you've said, you begin to reflect on your own childhood.

I would recommend reading the below book :

www.amazon.com/When-Your-Mother-Cant-Friends/dp/0385304234

Also there is a thread about this, someone might be able to link it. I believe it's called "but we took you to national trust sites" or something along those lines.

It's really tough, and so soon after Mother's Day when it seems the world around you has great relationships with their mums, it just isn't true. Have you spoke about this with friends?

@justanotherneighinparadise

I wonder if you could work through it away from her, with a counsellor, and find a way to forgive her without her agreeing with you? From what you describe she will only get defensive and make your resentment grow. What I think you really want to do is work through your experiences and that’s something you can do without her involvement.

I did this around 10 years ago but before I had kids. It helped a bit at the time but things have got much worse since. Maybe worth trying again, thanks for the suggestion.

Personally (and what I have done) is work through my feelings with a counsellor, at least first. It’s unlikely she will admit or acknowledge that she could have been better and everything will improve from then on - unfortunately

What outcome is it that you want?

@sabrinathemiddleagewitch I think the thread you mean is the stately homes one? OP if you search stately homes you should find the most recent thread. Many find it very helpful.

[quote justforthis7]@sabrinathemiddleagewitch I think the thread you mean is the stately homes one? OP if you search stately homes you should find the most recent thread. Many find it very helpful.[/quote]
Yes that's the one! Thank you

Op I don’t really have any advice so I apologise but I could have written very similar myself. My mother doesn’t see what she’s like and I have a difficult relationship with her! I have tried bringing it up with her and she denies it. She’s either got a short memory or completely oblivious to what she was like and still is at times. I’ve got to the point I won’t even speak to her about it now - I’m scared to as she has anger issues and makes herself look like the victim. You just can’t talk to her so I’ve given up.

Because of this I distance myself as much as possible.

Have you thought about counselling? Thinking about it myself!

@sabrinathemiddleagewitch

Hi OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. Having your own children can be a difficult time emotionally, as you've said, you begin to reflect on your own childhood.

I would recommend reading the below book :

www.amazon.com/When-Your-Mother-Cant-Friends/dp/0385304234?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Also there is a thread about this, someone might be able to link it. I believe it's called "but we took you to national trust sites" or something along those lines.

It's really tough, and so soon after Mother's Day when it seems the world around you has great relationships with their mums, it just isn't true. Have you spoke about this with friends?

Thanks for the book recommendation. Interestingly, I don’t feel sad about it, I just can’t stand to be around her and now that lockdown is opening up, she of course wants to meet with me and the grandkids again so I’m facing that again. I want to support her relationship with grandkids. I’ve got very few friends from childhood although one that does understand. I struggle to talk about it because I feel guilty about saying I hate my mum. It sounds awful.

You definitely need to talk to someone, but probably not your mum right away. She sounds like a tricky one to deal with.
I had similar issues with my dad. I found talking to a counsellor helped. I found a lot of the anger went away when I realised that he wouldn’t change and he couldn’t help the way he was. I came to realise that he did his best (which objectively wasn’t great), but he was just messed up by his parents.
I totally get it when you talk about anger after having kids...it really hits home, doesn’t it? How could anyone not do everything to help their kids? But take heart from that- it’s because you’re a great parent and putting your kids first is second nature.
Have you tried therapy to talk about this?

@Hey2492

Op I don’t really have any advice so I apologise but I could have written very similar myself. My mother doesn’t see what she’s like and I have a difficult relationship with her! I have tried bringing it up with her and she denies it. She’s either got a short memory or completely oblivious to what she was like and still is at times. I’ve got to the point I won’t even speak to her about it now - I’m scared to as she has anger issues and makes herself look like the victim. You just can’t talk to her so I’ve given up.

Because of this I distance myself as much as possible.

Have you thought about counselling? Thinking about it myself!

Thanks for posting, it helps to hear it’s not just me. My mum doesn’t have anger issues so at least I don’t have that to deal with. She does have a strong tendency to put herself in the victim position though. She keeps telling me it was too difficult for her. Even that the expectations of her own parents/sisters that I was a “perfect little girl” were so difficult for her to deal with that she had to reprimand me strictly to cope with it

I had a similar upbringing and have had years of councelling , sadly she continued her emotional abuse of me into my adult years and I had to cut her off. She could never see that what she did to me and continued to do was damaging and I had to stay away from her in order to protect myself. Any interaction with her was insanely triggering for me and just kept opening up barely healed wounds. You may just have to accept that she will never apologise for her actions and just move forward the best you can . Although I do wonder are her tears just another tactic to avoid having to admit what happened and how it affected you , this wasa favourite of my mother in order to try and guilt me into dropping it.

I don't hate my mum but I feel like she let me down a bit when I was younger. I was bullied at school and she never acknowledged it. I read my school reports and it's pretty clear I wasn't coping well. I rebelled when I was a teenager (pretty much to get attention) and rather than trying to find out what was going on she just told me I was a horrible child. My dad was even more absent. My parents primary interest was their careers and I feel let down by them both. They also had a very turbulent relationship and home life wasn't good.

My brother and I both moved away from our home town and now my mum has found herself alone with my dad (who she fights with constantly). She now resents us for moving away. She can be very prickly and moody and accuses us of cutting her out. We haven't but we are not as close as other people are to their parents (a symptom of our upbringing). She is also closed book and often goes in a mood without explanation. Visiting can be hard and I don't enjoy it.

I love both my parents but get sick of their issues. Fed up of being told what abc awful child I was. I have never confronted them as I don't think it would achieve anything and don't believe either of them were really capable of being better parents. But I have talked to a therapist which helped.

Sometimes I do want to rip loose though.,,,I want to ask what exactly they expect from me given that I was basically left to bring up myself with a constant stream of nannies. Or what they think it's like visiting when they are clearly fighting or not getting along.

I found this book really helpful. But I don't think mothers like ours are really emotionally capable of hearing and responding to criticism.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/

YWBU simply b/c it won't help you, and it won't help your relationship.

No-one wants to hear they failed. We're people, we're not perfect. It could well be that she thinks she did the best she could, or what she did WAS the best she could at that moment in time. You can't know, as a child, what she was really going through. She may not remember what she was going through. She may get defensive, it won't be enough for you.

I've had a falling out with my mother in the last couple years, since my Dad died. Things aren't great now. We don't talk but will do the standard "happy bday". She's like an estranged Aunt. My son wouldn't know her if he fell over her (and she doesn't wish him a happy bday either).

Since the falling out (with all her kids honestly, except the one child that caused the drama) the rest of us have spoken and aired some grievances from childhood (with each other, we haven't brought them up with her). Each one of us remembers something different and remembers some situations differently.

You need to find a way to help yourself. Either through counselling or something else... b/c talking to her won't give you the closure you need and in can, sometimes, make things worse.

I've wanted to let loose with my mum for years, OP, but have just come to the conclusion that a) nothing would change b) she'd just play the victim and c) I'd end up being the villain.

My Mum isn't an unkind person, she's just very self-absorbed. I don't think she's deliberately hurt me but she's never once stood up for me either. Our relationship is just a blank space. I now just do the bare minimum, don't message her and wait for her to message me which she rarely does. Seen her once since Christmas, but she manages to see my sister every day. It is what it is, I guess, and I will never ever make my kids feel like she makes me feel.

Someone I know did this recently, it doesn’t change the relationship at all, but the person involved feels so much better for it. So if you feel you need to get it off your chest OP, do it before it’s too late.

I agree that going back to counselling may be beneficial. Also writing your feelings down, in a letter, but that you don't send, can be a way to vent.
Don't feel guilty, you're allowed to be angry.
The way you describe things, it sounds like your mother simply can't handle typical life experiences and feelings.
I don't know if thinking of her as having limited abilities, rather than someone who actively neglected you, would help you?
Good luck to you

Firstly I think you definitely need to unpick this properly away from your mum with a counsellor

What is there to gain from telling your mum what you think? What is it you want her to do? You need to properly think what you want from your mum, and why you want to talk to her about it. You are clearly angry with your mum but she cannot change the past.

Do you think she meant harm? Or is she just not good with emotions?

I would say my mum was a bit emotionally neglectful to me as a child. I had a period of bad mental health and she ignored it, lots of little things like that. But I know she didn't do it to be mean, she just didn't know how to handle my emotions as she was quite emotionally repressed herself I guess. I know she loves me and I hold no anger towards her.

Hi op family are hard. What age is she? Mine will not change her way or the highway. And of course never disagree. I did confront this attitude she just got argumentative. Mine is 70s

I wouldn't waste your time. She won't agree and you will get nowhere. Concentrate on your children, distance yourself from her. Counselling is also pointless. It happened. You recognise this. You can't fix it. Move on.

She won't change, the situation won't improve.
Ever. No matter what you say or what you do.
Do you want your precious DCs exposed to all the crap you had to endure?
No granny is better than a toxic, horrible one.

@LabbyNoona

What outcome is it that you want?

What I really want is to be able to be around her (at least for the grandkids sake) without feeling this weight of anger and irritation and the constant dilemma in my head of whether and how to keep this hidden from her. Possibly unrealistic but that’s why I’m asking for advice.

Great I will look for that thread thank you

tbh, confronting her was the best thing I ever did.
I had lots of support from people over the years until I let rip on her. People who had had the unfortune of getting to know the nasty, manipulative side of her for themselves.

It was the constant gaslighting that did it for me making out she was Miss bloody perfect. She'd reminisce laughing about some of the awful stuff I went through as a child, making out she was the perfect, caring person who raised me. Forgetting she pamled me off for years on anyone who would have me. And the grand total of 3 years I was in here care (spread over 18 years), she put me at incredible risks.

The conversation started like any other one and she was trying to emotionally blackmail me about something. I mentioned a previous incident and her words "I don't have time for this". That triggered something and boy did I let rip.

I don't have any contact with her now. Those who didn't really know her thought I was nasty for doing it, then they got to know the real side of her.

The few people who do still talk to her do it for the entertainment purpose of wanting to know what utter tripe she's going to come out with next.

This was several years ago whilst I was undergoing cancer treatment,and of course she had to come out with a better illness than that to get sympathy and told everyone she had months to live.And this was why she couldn't visit me. Even went as far as shaving off all her hair. I felt so fucking guilty at the time for the hatred I had of her as I calmly told her what I thought of her becuase she was dying and who does that to a dying person? I got over that guilt, with support and I have never looked back.

My only regret was not having the balls to do it a lot earlier.