Should I tell mum how I really feel about her?

[Mummyongin]

I have a bad relationship with my mum. Since having my own kids, it’s made me reflect on how I was parented and angry towards my mum. She wasn’t cruel or abusive but looking back she neglected me emotionally. She knew I was struggling in childhood but didn’t ever talk to me about it. She says she “tried” to help but I don’t feel that way. We don’t communicate well, she is a closed book and doesn’t communicate with anyone really. I have made a few attempts to talk to her gently about how I feel but it obviously upsets her which gets awkward as she doesn’t want to get upset. I’ve mostly tried to protect her from my anger as I think she can’t handle her own emotions hence couldn’t deal with mine, but the anger is only getting worse and I don’t know what to do with it.

@Nomoreporridge

You definitely need to talk to someone, but probably not your mum right away. She sounds like a tricky one to deal with. I had similar issues with my dad. I found talking to a counsellor helped. I found a lot of the anger went away when I realised that he wouldn’t change and he couldn’t help the way he was. I came to realise that he did his best (which objectively wasn’t great), but he was just messed up by his parents. I totally get it when you talk about anger after having kids...it really hits home, doesn’t it? How could anyone not do everything to help their kids? But take heart from that- it’s because you’re a great parent and putting your kids first is second nature. Have you tried therapy to talk about this?

Thanks. I did CAT therapy several years ago. Good to hear talking helped you. I am thinking I might go to counselling/therapy again. I probably have a clearer sense now as a parent myself of what made childhood and her parenting so challenging

@canigooutyet

tbh, confronting her was the best thing I ever did. I had lots of support from people over the years until I let rip on her. People who had had the unfortune of getting to know the nasty, manipulative side of her for themselves.

It was the constant gaslighting that did it for me making out she was Miss bloody perfect. She'd reminisce laughing about some of the awful stuff I went through as a child, making out she was the perfect, caring person who raised me. Forgetting she pamled me off for years on anyone who would have me. And the grand total of 3 years I was in here care (spread over 18 years), she put me at incredible risks.

The conversation started like any other one and she was trying to emotionally blackmail me about something. I mentioned a previous incident and her words "I don't have time for this". That triggered something and boy did I let rip.

I don't have any contact with her now. Those who didn't really know her thought I was nasty for doing it, then they got to know the real side of her.

The few people who do still talk to her do it for the entertainment purpose of wanting to know what utter tripe she's going to come out with next.

This was several years ago whilst I was undergoing cancer treatment,and of course she had to come out with a better illness than that to get sympathy and told everyone she had months to live.And this was why she couldn't visit me. Even went as far as shaving off all her hair. I felt so fucking guilty at the time for the hatred I had of her as I calmly told her what I thought of her becuase she was dying and who does that to a dying person? I got over that guilt, with support and I have never looked back.

My only regret was not having the balls to do it a lot earlier.

Wow, I’m so sorry for what you went through. Sounds like she earned your confrontation! I don’t think my own mum has as much nastiness in her intentions but clearly confronting her so abruptly was the right thing for you.

What are you angry at her for? Is it how she treated you? Is it not acknowledging it now you are adults?

I'm not sure telling her how you feel will help, if you are right and she wasn't being cruel. Do you think she did her best even if she didn't do things right?

@Goleor

I had a similar upbringing and have had years of councelling , sadly she continued her emotional abuse of me into my adult years and I had to cut her off. She could never see that what she did to me and continued to do was damaging and I had to stay away from her in order to protect myself. Any interaction with her was insanely triggering for me and just kept opening up barely healed wounds. You may just have to accept that she will never apologise for her actions and just move forward the best you can . Although I do wonder are her tears just another tactic to avoid having to admit what happened and how it affected you , this wasa favourite of my mother in order to try and guilt me into dropping it.

Have you ever regretted cutting her off or found this difficult? It seems so final and I worry it would demolish the prospect of ever improving our relationship.

My DM was very emotionally abusive (she has BPD) and I had years of therapy to come to terms with my childhood.

We have a fantastic relationship now, which I never thought would happen. I accepted that while I deserved a better Mum, that she did her best. She had no support, an awful husband and emotional struggles of her own.

However, we have been able to talk about the past and she knows she let me down.

I have firm boundaries now and contact is always on my terms, when she over steps I will pull back. She is much more respectful, I've needed to gently teach her how to support rather than control. She's so much happier and I'm glad I have a relationship with her, but I would have needed to cut contact totally if she hadn't been able to see how her behaviour affected me.

I think she still only sees it as 'not great' parenting rather than abusive but there we go!

@DIshedUp

What are you angry at her for? Is it how she treated you? Is it not acknowledging it now you are adults?

I'm not sure telling her how you feel will help, if you are right and she wasn't being cruel. Do you think she did her best even if she didn't do things right?

I think the anger is a mix of her being so emotionally distant and unavailable and constantly neglecting my needs because addressing them would have made her life difficult, alongside her current position of “oh poor me, I want a really close relationship with you because I love you hundreds and thousands and millions and why haven’t you called me in a week?” I don’t know how to respond to her current neediness. I kind of do accept she was potentially doing her best at the time, but that doesn’t make me feel any more emotionally connected to her so I still will struggle with interacting with her without irritation. If that makes sense?

@Garlia

My DM was very emotionally abusive (she has BPD) and I had years of therapy to come to terms with my childhood.

We have a fantastic relationship now, which I never thought would happen. I accepted that while I deserved a better Mum, that she did her best. She had no support, an awful husband and emotional struggles of her own.

However, we have been able to talk about the past and she knows she let me down.

I have firm boundaries now and contact is always on my terms, when she over steps I will pull back. She is much more respectful, I've needed to gently teach her how to support rather than control. She's so much happier and I'm glad I have a relationship with her, but I would have needed to cut contact totally if she hadn't been able to see how her behaviour affected me.

I think she still only sees it as 'not great' parenting rather than abusive but there we go!

Your post gives me real hope! I’m sorry you didn’t have the mum or parenting you deserved, but that you’ve been able to reach a point of acknowledging the situation with her and having a better relationship with her is incredible. It must have been hard work. I think my mum knows that she got things wrong and some things really negatively affected me, she just also tries to protect herself from thinking about it. What type of therapy did you have? (Only if you feel comfortable to share) And how have you initiated talking to her about her parenting?

It won't go well IME OP. My DM was exactly the same. Age 25 i had an epiphany & realised the emotional abuse , so the worm turned so to speak. I calmly mentioned the emotional abuse ,the mixed messages, the manipulation , the total lack of affection etc. The result was gaslighting, screaming tantrums, playing the victim etc, culminating in the worst fight we ever had & she crossed a line. NC ever since & no regrets. She did put out some kind of olive branch a year later, and was quite shepish, but within 5mins it was clear there'd be no apology, she expected it all to be brushed under the carpet & to carry on as before, so I made an excuse & left.

I had CBT to help with my low non existent self esteem and trauma therapy to help with some c-PTSD symptoms from my childhood, and I did a lot of reading!

My DH is absolutely incredible and has patiently listened to me talk and digest things a lot - he had a positive, balanced childhood and really just being reassured that the dysfunction wasn't 'in my head' was a huge help.

A big turning point was me actually going no contact after she fell out with me for the umpteenth time (she was being very unreasonable and controlling). A year of being able to just get on with life really, really helped.

I did reach out to her after that year and we then talked a few things through, but I had to word things very carefully. For example, instead of "you were a shit mum" I would say "I don't think you had enough support to be the best mum you could be, but what do you think?"

And she would reply with "I found it very lonely, stressful and I wish I had been more patient with you."

Acknowledging her own impatience was huge and I would reassure her I had no resentment or blame, that we all look back and wish we could do things a little better. Over time, we talked more and she remembered more. Once she phoned me in tears because she remembered an incident where she had been violent (but blamed me). She realised her actions were pretty bad and I'd done nothing wrong. It helped hugely to have this recognised and we both could move on.

I imagined her as a child, and that helped dissolve a lot of resentment I had. And I'm so surprised that over the years she's just blossomed into a supportive mum.

She's always going to be a bit unstable, sensitive and prone to wanting to control and there will always be a part of me that wished things had been easier, but (as I say to my mum now) it's all about looking ahead, looking forward. There's nothing we can do about the past but we can definitely make the present as good as we can. But boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! This has been the key thing.

I really hope you can forge the relationship you would like, OP. There is hope!