AIBU about bloke from my past making a nuisance of himself?
OrangeIsNotTheOnlyColour · 03/04/2021 12:02
When I was in my late teens I became friends with a guy in his early 20s through my hobby. I think there may have a snog/near miss in one occasion but otherwise it was entirely platonic, certainly on my part.
We both met other people, got married, had kids and lost touch until we met up again (virtually) via FB about 10 years ago. Exchanged the odd message a few times year and that was it.
5 years later I got divorced and having seen I was moving into my new home he offered to come and give me a hand with the decorating one day. I agreed, thinking it would be fun to have a bit of help and a catch up over a nice lunch by way of saying thanks.
It was a nightmare. He spent the whole day telling me what I should and I should be doing with my home, offering really basic advice that I didn't need about practical stuff and questioning my decor choices.
At the end of the day he offered to come back and continue, and when I said I'd be working, suggested I gave him a key and he'd crack on anyway. I made my excuses and went home (was staying with family whilst doing house up) feeling emotionally wrung out and really upset by his behaviour, although I don't doubt it was well intentioned.
For the next few years things reverted to how they were, but last year my dad became terminally ill and he's started getting in touch again.
He phones through FB messenger rather than just texting to 'check up on me' and pushes to meet up for walks. When I tell him I'm busy he doesn't listen and keeps on with the 'well if you change your mind' or 'I can do xyz instead', even when I've stated I am am doing something specific.
Last night he called and I declined. He immediately called again so I declined again and sent a short message saying I was catching up with DD as hadn't been around for her much lately.
He immediately replied with:
Sorry its been a tough time, you could have given me shout - I can listen
Are you about tomorrow?
That way you & DD can have tonight
And perhaps we'll chat tomorrow if your free ?
I haven't replied. He has a raging Knight in shining armour complex and I have no need of one, or desire for him to be mine if I did. Every conversation seems to revolve around him wanting me to use him as some kind of therapist/Father Confessor, and I am not remotely comfortable or interested in going down that road with a bloke I've seen once in 20-odd years whose behaviour I find incredibly suffocating.
I've tried to allude to this gently as I genuinely believe he's a bit lonely and probably entirely well-intentioned, but tbh he's driving me a bit mad.
And for all my giving him the benefit of the doubt, I'm aware he has no relationship with his teenage daughters, their mum, or his own mum, and that his most recent ex dumped him for similar behaviour, which to me is a massive red flag.
Any suggestions for what to do with him aside from preventing him seeing my FB posts? I'm not sure ignoring will work and I'd feel really unkind being more direct about how little I want to have any major involvement with him. Also willing to be told IABU...my ex was controlling and I'm possibly a bit sensitive and certainly very protective of my independence.
Am I being unreasonable?AIBU
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PriestessofPing · 03/04/2021 12:11
Do you want any kind of friendship with him? I’d advise against it since he clearly has big issues. But if you do then you could try explaining you want a friendship that is not based on him trying to rescue you etc and see if he can adjust his behaviour.
Frankly though i’d just stop contact.
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 03/04/2021 12:14
You have been conditioned by your ex to "be nice" towards controlling behaviour.
This man is inserting himself into your life without your permission, he is telling you what to do and how to do it and acting like its a favour for him to let you spend time with your daughter.
Please just block all forms of communication with him. You owe him nothing and he doesn't understand boundaries.
Crunchymum · 03/04/2021 12:42
You say he pushes to meet up for walks but you also say you've only seen him once in person in 20 years?
Does he live close by?
You can be as direct as you want or you can just block him or you can let him down easily, but the contact needs to stop.
I don't know what you feel most comfortable with? But in your position I'd go for something direct and unambiguous.
Sorry to hear about your dad
TheLazyWitch · 03/04/2021 12:49
I would just say you don't want to hurt his feelings, but you don't feel like the two of you are compatable, you feel he wants more than friendship, but you don't, and you don't want to feel like you're leading him on/holding him back from meeting someone more suited to him, that it might actually work with, then wish him well. Block before he can reply.
GladysTheGroovyMule · 03/04/2021 12:54
Block him. You don’t have to be nice and blocking him isn’t horrible anyway- you’re not doing it out of spite but as self preservation. What you’ve said about him gives me the creeps- controlling, forcing his presence on you, telling you how to decorate your own home... you say his most recent ex dumped him for similar stuff and it’s a red flag which I agree with. But his own children don’t speak to him. That’s a red flag too imo.
OrangeIsNotTheOnlyColour · 03/04/2021 13:07
Yes...this was real tipping point for me last night tbh.
Initially he called a few times a week apart, then left it a couple of weeks and last night was the first time I'd heard from in about a month, so it's not as if he's doing it all the time, but he's just so intense it really gives me the willies.
I'm quite introverted anyway...I'm on an online support forum re the situation with my dad, and have about 4 close friends I confide in. I'm really not all about people knowing my business.
I think he still has me in his head as a naive 17yo, rather than a 45 year old woman who has been through a fair bit and is capable of owning her own shit.
I get enough of that from my mother tbh.
OrangeIsNotTheOnlyColour · 03/04/2021 13:18
The last time he called be wanted to go for a walk the following day (he lives in the next county but was apparently going to be over here anyway...) I told him I was doing an online writing course (which I was) and he still persisted with, 'well let me know if you change your mind' and multiple suggestions for other dates/locations.
The other week I posted pics of a walk I did with my best mate - we go out every Sunday early morning. It included a photo of 2 steaming enamel mugs on a bench so should've been clear I was with someone, and he immediately posted "you should have said...let me know next time"
OrangeIsNotTheOnlyColour · 03/04/2021 17:58
I've just looked back at his messages and realised this started back in June of last year...I'd posted something about domestic violence and he messaged me about that..."just been catching up with some of the things you've posted..." and then went on to tell me all about the measure a woman can take to get help if she needs it.
Apparently he assumed I was in a new relationship and having issues .
There was then some definitely flirty/slightly sexual stuff a couple of months ago...I referred to a dirty pizza and he tried to take it somewhere else.
I think I do need to block him rather than going the softly softly route.
KavvLar · 03/04/2021 20:36
OP I agree with others, blocking is absolutely ok. He seems to react / respond to your social media posts so blocking him on socials will reduce that trigger. He sounds like the type to want answers, and might rock up at your door if he knows where you live and has his interest piqued by a mystery. If you feel able to, block him on your phone, if not then make yourself as dull and brief as possible and leave long gaps between messages. Never phone and never answer the phone. You are absolutely right to trust your instincts and not get landed with some gobshite. Best of luck.
Oneeyeopen · 03/04/2021 21:11
My dm went out with a bloke like this.
He knew everything!
One day he said to my dsis
'And do you know what I think you should do?'
She replied with.
No. But I feel sure you are going to tell me.
He was too self absorbed to get the sarcasm.
Just block him op. He'll drive you mad otherwise.
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