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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she is being oversensitive?

32 replies

MiaMarshmallows · 03/04/2021 11:55

Female relative lost her job last year and got another one after lots of blood, sweat and tears. She's been through a lot this past year, illness etc. Don't want to be too detailed through fear of being outed.
Anyway, when she told me I said 'How many hours is it?' she said it was only 15 but OK for now. I thought all was fine but apparently I have now upset her and made her feel judged. Apparently I was not happy for her and her achievement got downplayed. Hmm
Aibu to say this is oversensitive? I am pleased for her but do feel the job is not ideal and she can do better.

OP posts:
Botanica · 03/04/2021 12:03

Normally would say perhaps she is projecting her own feelings about it not being enough hours on to your conversation, but given you do have some opinions about it, perhaps it's possible these unintentionally came through without you realising. She is possibly lacking in confidence too so felt it all the more.

Getting a new role during this pandemic is a huge achievement, whatever it is. There are a lot of people competing for roles right now.

Why not park your feelings aside, send her a follow up congratulations message, show her you are genuinely pleased for her and say no more. She decide when it's right for her to move on or take a step up, but to get some money coming in after being out of work is a huge gain. Perhaps she feels now is not the time to be as choosy as she might have been otherwise.

Mistressinthetulips · 03/04/2021 12:03

It will be easier for her to get further work when already employed, surely? You've implied it was a hard slog to get a new job, so why be less than happy for her now she has one?

Original poster
MiaMarshmallows · 03/04/2021 15:01

I am pleased, I just hope she can find something more suitable in time. But I do know it's good she managed to get a little job for now. She does lack a lot of confidence and projects a lot.

OP posts:
SnackSizeRaisin · 03/04/2021 15:09

You are coming across quite judgemental and condescending, you don't seem genuinely pleased for her. She has probably picked up on these feelings and is offended.
Why can't you just say congratulations hope it goes well? Why immediately say that she could get something better?

ButIcantsitonleather · 03/04/2021 15:10

But I do know it's good she managed to get a little job for now

Is there a tiny chance you were as patronising to her as you sound here? Because that would explain a few things.

BoyTree · 03/04/2021 15:13

She's not projecting - she has picked up on how you feel about her job and it's taken the shine off it for her. Calling it a 'little job' and focussing on the limited hours and the fact that you think it's unsuitable probably isn't helping her confidence.

daisypond · 03/04/2021 15:15

But I do know it's good she managed to get a little job for now.

I hope you didn’t say that - “little job”. No wonder she feels out down if you did.

peachhouses · 03/04/2021 15:15

I’d say it’s fairly likely she picked up on your sneery opinion of her ‘little job’

DragonPoop · 03/04/2021 15:16

Please tell me you are aware how completely patronising you sound?
You just described it as a ‘little job’
It is so bloody hard to get any job even a ‘little’ one at the moment due to the pandemic and the vast number of unemployed people competing for the same limited roles. Even minimum wage jobs, fast food jobs, supermarket jobs etc are extremely hard to get at the moment for a lot of people.
You sound judgemental, condescending, and patronising. I’m sure your relative has picked up on your views and therefore is not at all being over sensitive.

TimeForTeaAndG · 03/04/2021 15:18

Did you even congratulate, ask her where it is, the role, before just how many hours is it?

BaggoMcoys · 03/04/2021 15:20

I hope you didn't call it "a little job" to her face. It sounds so patronising.

PandaFluff · 03/04/2021 15:20

@BoyTree

She's not projecting - she has picked up on how you feel about her job and it's taken the shine off it for her. Calling it a 'little job' and focussing on the limited hours and the fact that you think it's unsuitable probably isn't helping her confidence.
I agree with this. I think she has picked up on your cues that you think this job isn't good enough in your eyes.
ColourfulElmerElephant · 03/04/2021 15:22

You aren’t coming across well in your posts and based on them, I think YABU and she can tell how you feel.

implantsandaDyson · 03/04/2021 15:24

It's not her, it's you. You're a joysucker.

PandaFluff · 03/04/2021 15:25

And it doesn't really matter if you think she is too sensitive. You've upset her so should care about that not blame her for being upset.

SecretSpAD · 03/04/2021 15:26

But I do know it's good she managed to get a little job for now

Little job? Really? Hmm

Bluntness100 · 03/04/2021 15:26

Wow “a little job”

I can see her point,,

CloudFormations · 03/04/2021 15:29

You sound incredibly patronising in your posts. I expect that attitude came through when you spoke to her.

WhySoSensitive · 03/04/2021 15:33

You sound like a terrible friend.
If you said ‘little job’ to her face then YAB massssively U and patronising.

shivawn · 03/04/2021 15:34

Agree with all previous posters. You could use this as an opportunity to review your own attitude instead of dismissing her as oversensitive.

pasturesgreen · 03/04/2021 15:36

But I do know it's good she managed to get a little job for now

Jesus Christ. You sound incredibly patronising, and she's bound to have picked up on it.

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 03/04/2021 15:37

Little job... I noticed that as well.

Fleahopper · 03/04/2021 15:40

Yep. You were patronising.

TidyDancer · 03/04/2021 15:41

Wow. You're not coming across well OP and this is to strangers. Think how your attitude makes your family member feel.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 03/04/2021 15:55

If someone spoke to me in the appalling manner that your posts suggest, then I would certainly be telling other people what a %@&# they were. If it was a relative I'd be cutting contact with them. FFS, ' a little job' indeed...