What do I do about DD?

[cantsleepforthinking]

Back history - I was in a very abusive and controlling relationship, I left nearly 3 years ago. My DD who is 20 suffered at my ex's hands - not physically but emotionally as we all did. He's not her father.

My DC and I only have each other. I left the relationship, I have been working hard on us healing, I got us counselling, but DD refused it.

She went off to uni I am on a low income so she got full assistance. I topped up her money each month for the first 2 years about £120 per month on top of which I pay for her phone every month. My income has been improving. I discovered be default that the extra money I had been sending her she's been supporting herself and her boyfriend - he get less assistance than her as his parents are very wealthy but they won't send him any extra money.

She asked me at Christmas to pay a deposit for her to go on holiday with friends- the agreement was that if I did she would get no extra cash for the rest of the year as she needs to learn to budget - she had a holiday last year, but her siblings and I couldn't due to finances. This was agreed to.

At Christmas we had a huge row. I had started to see someone fairly tentatively, a friend I'd known for a while.
She said she didn't want me to ever have another relationship again. Thought it was selfish of me to consider it. I explained that my relationship was different- I wasn't planning on getting remarried or even moving in together. It was more of a friendship and would have no impact on her life whatsoever.
She then accused me of backing off and not speaking to her very much. I explained that yes I had because I was constantly being told off by her, everything I said was wrong, that she constantly criticised what I said and did and that I felt a need to protect myself from her as I felt like I was back in a controlling relationship. She shouted at me 'Are you suggesting that I'm like X?' I said yes in someways yes. She was angry and I explained that that is how she made me feel at times. She's a very big character and when at home we all tip toe around her - have to have music off at certain times. Buy certain things she likes at the shop. Cook what she particularly likes for dinners.

We resolved the argument, I remained calm and explained to her she would always have a home, she would always come first.

All was fine, until feb - I have to leave our current home - it's too big, expensive and in the middle of nowhere. I suffer with terrible anxiety due to ex breaking in and the horrible things that happened here. So thought a move would be ideal for all of us.

I found a house, showed DD she said I was disgusting and a tramp for looking at this house. That she's never coming home that I need to apologise to her for what I said at Christmas and that I am filth.
The house was nice - I decided not to take it not due to DD. She's cross I'm not getting a house like her BF - with pool etc. I'm a single mum doing my best with no help.
She's blocked me on everything. She unblocks me to send abusive messages- which I can't read, DS reads them so I know she's ok.
I did message her to say sorry. She's not acknowledged it.
I am still paying her phone bill. I sent her money for Easter.
I have had 10-15 abusive messages in the last 48 hours - AND THEN a message last night saying she moving putting me down as guarantor and that I had better not leave her homeless.

Sorry this is long. AIBU in not reading the messages, arguing or engaging. I have had enough of them from ex. I am sick of being her whipping boy.

I have apologised on numerous occasions for what she went through with my ex. I have promised her it won't happen again.

DS says he's shocked that she would demand an apology for what said because what's she's sent to me is absolutely disgusting.

And I don't blame her for being nervous at you entering another relationship.

@theteachesofpeaches you're getting a small snapshot of her I'm aware. As for extolling her virtues. She's one of the most determined people I know. She can be so thoughtful and really thinks outside of the box. She's tenacious and has amazing principles. She's fastidious and exacting. She's also beautiful and very out going.
In lots of ways I am in awe of her.

I don't tend to tell her anything negative as she becomes very cross with me. I am forever saying how wonderful she is to her and I come from a place of positive reinforcement and always have.

In truth the first time I ever said anything that wasn't was when I said I find her controlling. And that's spectacularly backfired.

@eatsleepread I take entire responsibility for this. I know it's my fault.

@cantsleepforthinking

I have also apologised to each of the children for what my ex did to them and my failures to them. I have tried to make amends to each of them. I have got counselling for myself as those that would accept it. I have tried to make amends for it all.

You have done your best.

Now stop.

She is turning into a controlling bully and as she's an adult it's down to her to get help with her emotions.

You have been more than generous financially. In fact they're totally taking the piss using your money to help her wealthy boyfriend. His parents have the right idea. If they want any more money they can work.

@cantsleepforthinking the abusivo relationship was not your fault, it was the abuser's fault.
Time to turn your life around, new home and new you. You need to say no to your children sometimes, it does them no favours to do everything out of guilt.
Stop paying her phone, absolutely do not be guarantor that could get you in to a mess.
Choose your new home yourself and make it one you love.
Your DD will come around but she needs to do it in her own time. She is bullying you, and only you can put a stop to that.

[quote ForeverAintEnough12]@cantsleepforthinking you don’t need to read the messages but your focus seems to be on you - you healing, you moving to a new home, you having a new relationship. Your daughter is clearly struggling and needs help. She is a product of an abusive upbringing which you made the choice to give to her now it sounds like you want to wash your hands of her as she has turned out to be horrible like your ex.[/quote]
It doesn't sound like that at all.

And if her DD won't avail herself of help that's been offered to her I'm not sure that any more pandering will sort the situation

As she was on a full loan I presume you gave extra because you felt guilty with regards to the ex and are trying to make it up to her . However full loan is enough to live off with budgeting , you didn't have to top it up so regularly. I wouldn't be a guarantor if she has that little respect for you she could easily not pay the rent and not give a damn. She can put you down but you don't have to sign it . She also does not get to dictate where you live . As a pp said I would send her a letter - you're sorry , you love her but this behaviour needs to stop

No-one should be given a pass to treat someone the way she is treating you, regardless of what has happened in the past.

We all know that abuse is a cycle. You say she was emotionally abused by your ex; now she is becoming / has become an emotional abuser herself. The cycle needs to be stopped.

Cut off the financial support. Tell her you will pay for therapy / counseling to help her deal with and move on from her trauma, and acknowledge that you are responsible for what happened in the past which is why you are willing to pay for help now. But she is now an adult and you and not responsible for everything in her life now. You will not be abused. If she cannot be civil, you will block her for a week, then unblock her and give her the chance to resume contact. If she is abusive again, block for another week.

Tell her that she does not have the right to dictate how you live your life. You will choose where you live, you will choose who is in your life.

Tell her, every time, that you will always be there for her but NOT as a punching bag and NOT as a bank account. When she is willing to have a more appropriate relationship you will welcome her with open arms. But not while she expects to abuse you and dictate to you.

I think you've done quite enough for this little madam. If she can afford to support her boyfriend, she can afford her own phone.
And you'd be crazy to be her guarantor which effectively makes you his guarantor when you know his parents will leave you to it.

She can’t just put you down as a guarantor. You would need to fill in the forms and sign them. Secondly you may not even earn enough to be a guarantor. I haven’t been able to do it for our sons for this reason. My DH has had to do it. The last time he did it he had to supply P60 or wage slips to prove income. So it would be very difficult for her to do that without your consent/co-operation.

This sounds very painful for both of you. The abuse was not your fault, your whole family are survivors of an abusive relationship. You have gone through counselling to try to heal the damage done but your daughter refused. It sounds as if you have apologised multiples times for the harm done by the abusive relationship but she is not done with being angry, it's understandable but it does not mean you should tolerate it. Continuing to pander to her out of a sense of guilt will only reinforce an unhealthy dynamic in your relationship.

You have everything right to make choices about relationships and where you live. I agree with PP about setting very clear boundaries about acceptable behaviour and stick to them whilst reassuring her your door is always open to her. It may take a long time to repair the relationship and it is possible it will always be strained to a degree but she is being abusive and that is not OK. I would withdraw financial support and refuse to be guarantor for her because feeling taken advantage of by someone who is treating you so badly will not help with your continued healing. Having previously refused it, she must decide for herself to accept or seek help to deal with her own trauma.

@FOJN good post

I think you need to send her a message to tell her that you are cancelling her phone contract, you are not being guarantor and no more money. Tell her something like you are open to rebuilding the relationship but whilst she’s acting this way and abusing you she’ll get nothing more from you.

You can pay people to be your guarantor whilst at uni, there are companies that do it, I used one, so she will not be homeless. She needs to grow up and look at the way she talks to you. She’s an adult and needs to be treated like one, I don’t think you’re doing her any favours pandering to this behaviour.

So sorry your going through this !
She has the upper hand in your relationship and u need to stop apologising .
She sounds spoilt and u need to let her stand on her own too feet and she needs to start respecting you as her mum .
Your her mind not a friend and you are entitled to a relationship it’s not your fault your ex was abusive xxx

This is horrible, OP. Please do send a message to your daughter saying that you and she are obviously not in a good place at the moment and that it's best that you give each other some space.

I would tell her that if she continues sending abusive messages then you will block her. You're her mother, not a punchbag. I wouldn't be paying for her phone anymore and would tell her so.

I don't know how you're fixed with sending her money but, if she's using it to support her boyfriend then it's too much, reduce it so that you and your children still have a life with some disposable income.

Please, please though, stop giving these abusive messages to your son to read. They're too much for you - why do you think he should be your buffer? He isn't, he's your son and that is damaging.

Move where you choose and when your daughter behaves in a civil manner, she can visit.

I'm very sorry for your situation, it sounds horrendous.

I can’t help but wonder that you have downplayed the impact of your previous relationship on her. She’s 20 now, and 17 when you left your ex. You don’t say how long you were with him or what she was exposed to, which suggests that she went through serious trauma during her formative teenage years.

It is therefore not at all surprising that she’s so angry. She won’t admit it but she needs help to process what SHE went through and her feelings and fears, which is evident by her reaction to you having a new relationship. She is a victim too, and it’s surprising other PPs haven’t appreciated that.

That said, it doesn’t mean you need to tolerate her behaviour. I would say she needs tough love but with kindness. Tell her you won’t be reading her messages because you know they will be abusive but you’re there when she’s ready to talk properly, and for the love of God do not compare her to your ex, when the only reason she was exposed to such negative and abusive behaviour was because of your relationship with him.

And definitely don’t drag DS into it. She is traumatised and whilst her behaviour is not acceptable, don’t let it affect her relationship with her siblings.

She is who she is because of her past.

She had no control over who you brought into her life that caused her great damage. You have to take responsibility for that. He was not her father so it was you who brought him into her life. Just because she is an adult now, do you think that the damage of her childhood goes away? And you offering therapy now, does she have to again go through all that because you say? And comparing her to the abuser was just vile.

Is the house still on the market? If so, and you still like it, buy it. If not, find another you like and do NOT include your daughter.

This is continuing the cycle of abuse. It needs to stop. She's clearly angry and damaged by the past - but needs to stop blaming you. She's taking all her anger out on you and it's not fair and won't help.

Tell her the financial assistance will stop unless she goes to family therapy.

And don't let her continue to 'punish' you with emotional abuse and domineering/bullying behaviour. It won't help any of you.

My sister treated my mother similarly at the same age. Thirty years later mum is still scared of her and her moods, so panders to her every whim to keep the peace. Often hurting me in the process. So if you don't want to keep playing by her rules for the rest of your life and potentially damaging your relationship with the rest of your children do something now.

She is an adult and she is treating you appallingly op! She is abusing you.
I know she is your DD and you love her but for her own sake you need to stop giving her money and cut contact down to a minimum. Again reassure her that she will always have a home with you but you are unwilling to tolerate how she treats you and she needs to do some serious growing up.
Please don’t be her guarantor either, she has it so rosey and she is acting like an ungrateful spoilt brat.

You shouldn't have said what you did about her being like your abusive ex. I would imagine this has caused all sorts of emotions for her, including fear.

However, the way she is treating you isn't ok and you do need to set some boundaries. You have apologised and offered counselling, which she rejected. Don't apologise any more and I agree with PP - stop funding her and make clear to her that you will not tolerate her behaviour towards you. Your actions where she is concerned come from a place of guilt and the dynamic between you won't change whilst that is the case.

I disagree with a lot of PPs, she is now an adult and can absolutely choose her own path. She is choosing to be abusive to you and understands what this means. Plenty of people witness and are victims of abuse and actively choose not to behave in this manner.
Send her a letter explaining how you are sorry that her stepfather was abusive to you all, that you love her and will always be there for her but that you will not continue to pay for a phone which she uses to abuse you or pay for her whilst her behaviour is unacceptable towards you, the cut her off. She is an adult and is choosing to behave like this, she needs to take responsibility for her own behaviour.

@Santatizer

You shouldn't have said what you did about her being like your abusive ex. I would imagine this has caused all sorts of emotions for her, including fear.

However, the way she is treating you isn't ok and you do need to set some boundaries. You have apologised and offered counselling, which she rejected. Don't apologise any more and I agree with PP - stop funding her and make clear to her that you will not tolerate her behaviour towards you. Your actions where she is concerned come from a place of guilt and the dynamic between you won't change whilst that is the case.

I very much agree with this - particularly the first paragraph because what your daughter is, in terms of chromosomes is something that she cannot change, she is your ex's child also and that can be very difficult to realise and have brought home to you.

As far as her behaviour goes, that she can and must change because it's not serving her well. She refused therapy, that's on her and she can't expect to have the rest of her family making allowances for this, she's got to get some help and if not sourced by you, by her/her peers, but she needs it badly.

Having an abusive upbringing doesn’t give your daughter the right to be abusive little bitch. Stop being a pushover, stop saying sorry and stop sending her money. Give you time and money to her siblings, it’s not exactly fair she’s getting everything is it? Then acting like a total brat. And for goodness sake DO NOT be her guarantor, she sounds spoilt and irresponsible. If my daughter EVER treated me like that even once I’d tell her to fuck right off until she learnt some god damn respect