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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of the attitude of some people towards the disabled?

53 replies

Livingtothefull · 02/04/2021 23:48

I have just started taking my DS (20) out for walks since he came home for Easter. Yesterday (2nd time we have taken him out) we come to a zebra crossing. Nice straight road, built up area, very little traffic. As we start to cross a car brakes sharply to stop, then the driver yells out of the window at us.

After crossing we walk down a side road, same driver turns down the same road and yells at us again; 'You made me f---ing stop, I'm not the one meant to stop you are!' then drives off.

AIBU to be upset by the attitude this displays towards the disabled? This driver was obviously angry at being made to wait for a wheelchair. I do think this is a disablist incident; whenever I am out and about myself I don't get this. There are certain people who evidently see the disabled as getting in their way, I have encountered this attitude many times before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livingtothefull · 03/04/2021 11:31

It is not about single incidents though Erkrie it is about patterns of behaviour. I am out by myself during lockdown more often than I am with DS; although I try to be careful crossing the road I am far more likely to take the risk of nipping across than when I am with DS as I am ultra careful for his sake.

Yet I rarely if ever get shouted at by drivers as a result; but the second time I am out with DS this happens. Don't you think that is strange?

I am sure the road was safe to cross when we stepped out and that the driver was driving too fast in a pedestrianised area and was forced to brake. I can understand that he was shocked but not sure shock would cause him to shout abuse at a disabled person not just once, but again a minute later.

OP posts:
Erkrie · 03/04/2021 11:33

I expect he would have shouted abuse at anyone tbh.
I'm not denying that people can be very unpleasant towards disabled people though. I know they can, I've both witnessed and experienced it.

Original poster
Livingtothefull · 03/04/2021 11:38

I think he thought he could get away with shouting abuse at us. What kind of person shouts and swears at someone in a wheelchair anyway?

OP posts:
XenoBitch · 03/04/2021 11:40

The driver sounds like a dick for following you... but it would be very hard for you to prove that he his motive for yelling at you was your son being in a wheelchair.
Also, you say a car brakes sharply as you start to cross, but the road was straight and clear... so you didn't see the car when you started to cross? I would imagine the driver was annoyed he had to break sharply. Not saying you are in the wrong, but you can't just blindly cross the road either and expect a car who is almost at the crossing to slam on their brakes. I always wait until it is obvious the cars are slowing.

Erkrie · 03/04/2021 11:42

What kind of person shouts at anyone in the street 🤷

Brieminewine · 03/04/2021 11:42

I think the driver was just being a dick in general not because your son is in a WC.

FoxyTheFox · 03/04/2021 11:52

In my experience, there are a lot of people pay lipservice to equality and inclusion while actually resenting the "inconvenience" they believe it causes non-disabled people. Every now and again the collective mask slips and they show their true attitudes.

Original poster
Livingtothefull · 03/04/2021 11:53

I always check the road before crossing and was as sure as I could be that it was safe to cross, when I crossed. I am not sure where the car came from....either speeding up or out of a side road somewhere.

I agree that shouting at anyone in the street is not on, but have to say that shouting at someone in a wheelchair is particularly low. My DS is extremely vulnerable, has learning difficulties as well as his mobility issues. Many other disabled people have likewise complex issues.

I don't understand why anyone would want to abuse him or anyone else like him, it enrages me and I would like to think it enrages others too. Do you not think that abusing disabled people is in a (low) class of its own?

OP posts:
Moondust001 · 03/04/2021 12:03

@XenoBitch

The driver sounds like a dick for following you... but it would be very hard for you to prove that he his motive for yelling at you was your son being in a wheelchair. Also, you say a car brakes sharply as you start to cross, but the road was straight and clear... so you didn't see the car when you started to cross? I would imagine the driver was annoyed he had to break sharply. Not saying you are in the wrong, but you can't just blindly cross the road either and expect a car who is almost at the crossing to slam on their brakes. I always wait until it is obvious the cars are slowing.
It depends how fast the car is travelling though, doesn't it? After all, when I am driving and approaching a crossing or a junction I never have to break sharply, whether someone steps out or not. Why? Because I am not speeding, and I am paying due care and attention, unlike some of the idiots that I see on the road. It is entirely possible for someone to come out of nowhere if they are speeding, and have to brake sharply.

FWIIW, I am disabled now too, and yes, in all aspects of life I regularly come across the entire spectrum from bad manners to outright hatred. At the best of times I walk with two sticks or a rollator now, and you simply wouldn't believe the number of people who hold the door open "to let the person behind them through" and then actually let it go to slam in my face because I am not walking fast enough - like it wastes their precious time to give me a few seconds more! And that is the "polite" people!

Like the OP I can observe a pattern of behaviour. I find it interesting too how often posts about disablist attitudes turn into an inquisition about whether they are telling the truth or not. When we talk about women being in fear of men, for example, we never turn that into an inquisition about whether they are being reasonable or not. And God forbid we tell a victim of racism that they may be overreacting. So why is it ok to question whether someone who regularly experiences different treatment in regard to disability is overreacting or truthful or right? If, as a woman, it is my right to say that something is sexist or misogynistic and not "harmless banter", isn't it my right as a person with a disability to call out prejudice and discrimination against those with disabilities? It isn't the right of the bale-bodied to tell me I don't know what I am talking about.

So OP, it does not matter one jot whether this driver is a dick all the time, or just some of it. In my experience, racists are also dicks all of the time, but it doesn't make them not racists.

RaskolnikovsGarret · 03/04/2021 12:05

Horrendous man. Sympathies OP. X

Scautish · 03/04/2021 12:25

@FoxyTheFox

In my experience, there are a lot of people pay lipservice to equality and inclusion while actually resenting the "inconvenience" they believe it causes non-disabled people. Every now and again the collective mask slips and they show their true attitudes.
Totally agree with this. The problem is people don’t even realise they are being ableist (or racist/sexist etc). They think my staying “I’m not ableist” that exempts them.

I have a hidden disability and this week something happened at work which made me realise that I am an inconvenience. It felt horrible.

Sorry OP - disgusting man. I hope his car breaks down in an extremely inconvenient place/time.

grapewine · 03/04/2021 12:28

@FoxyTheFox

In my experience, there are a lot of people pay lipservice to equality and inclusion while actually resenting the "inconvenience" they believe it causes non-disabled people. Every now and again the collective mask slips and they show their true attitudes.
This is so depressingly true.
WisnaeMe · 03/04/2021 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notanotherhun · 03/04/2021 13:09

That was a t, they unfortunately exist. You can't start a thread ranting about hate etc based on your dealings with 1 t.

Cactus1982 · 03/04/2021 13:11

It’s shocking how many people still have an attitude like this towards the disabled. I work with disabled children and before lockdown we used to take them out shopping etc and whilst most people were lovely, you’d still get looks of disgust from others. It’s been an eye opener.

RickiTarr · 03/04/2021 13:17

@FoxyTheFox

In my experience, there are a lot of people pay lipservice to equality and inclusion while actually resenting the "inconvenience" they believe it causes non-disabled people. Every now and again the collective mask slips and they show their true attitudes.
Spot on.
RickiTarr · 03/04/2021 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted as iot quotes a deleted post.

Moondust001 · 03/04/2021 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message removed as it quotes a deleted post.

TSBelliot · 03/04/2021 14:08

IP I don’t know why so many here don’t want to hear you. That this is an example of behaviours you see when with your son and not alone. Anyone who thinks that OP is confusing twats with twats deliberately targeting the disabled should watch the recent BBC documentary that only echoed the lived experience of people with disabilities.
Am sorry OP it’s shit. Just recently my son caught some kids abusing a disabled adult and he intervened and stopped it. He has done a few things recently that make me really proud but that’s such a luxury of a position to have when disabled people have incidents like this as a persistent threat.

The attitude shown by many here help that discrimination continue. You can’t help until you can see.

Livelovebehappy · 03/04/2021 14:19

His reaction was obviously wrong, but I suspect he would have been the same wether you were pushing a wheelchair or not. Unless he shouted something to suggest his reaction was due to a wheelchair crossing the road, you can’t accuse him of being disablist, but you can accuse him of being an arse. And like others have said, if it was an open clear road, it doesn’t make sense that he would suddenly appear with screeching brakes.

islockdownoveryet · 03/04/2021 14:29

I can see why your annoyed, I’m not sure it was because of the disability but yes I agree would he have shouted at the able bodied man probably not. I agree disabled people are treated badly at times but the kind of person who shouts at a person in a wheelchair is obviously not a particular nice person . As a parent of a disabled child I’ve experienced some ignorance but mostly lovely pleasant people.
Unfortunately op you met a idiot and I’m sorry about that but one unpleasant encounter does not mean that everyone is like that .

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/04/2021 14:35

I am a bit disappointed with the vote so far tbh; more than a third of voters think there is nothing wrong with some people's attitudes towards the disabled. I imagine most of them think you are not right to interpret this incident as the result of someone's attitude to the disabled.

Scautish · 03/04/2021 14:40

Unfortunately op you met a idiot and I’m sorry about that but one unpleasant encounter does not mean that everyone is like that

Ah yes, the ableist equivalent to

#AllLivesMatter

#NAMALT

Of course not everyone is like that, but far, far too many are. And like misogyny is a problem to be addressed by all men, racism is a problem to be addressed by all white people, ableism is a problem to be addressed by all those without disabilities.

TooYoungToNotice · 03/04/2021 15:21

I can all too readily believe this. I wouldn't have thought people behaved like this until a few years ago.

I have a slight issue with my lower spine and hips. Nothing too bad most of the time. That said when it flares up I walk slowly and with a very pronounced limp/odd gait.

People can be absolute and utter dicks. I once had a man rush up behind me in a shop in a narrow bit (but not so narrow that he couldn't have got past) and get so close he was towering over me. He huffed and puffed (I could feel his breath) and sighed loudly because he obviously thought I was too slow. He could clearly see there was something wrong.

As we got to the entrance lobby area of the shop there was a lady in a wheelchair being pushed in. I held the other door open and stopped to let her in. He then threw a strop, shouted 'oh my God' physically shoved me out of the way (really painful) and then barged past her wheelchair banging into her. There were other people waiting behind her to come in and to be fair they looked shocked.

It really opened my eyes to how people behave towards those who they see as different . I had a complete stranger say to me that I walked like John Wayne when I had a flare up! Why on earth they thought I needed their opinion I do not know. It worries me because my back and hips will only get worse.

WisnaeMe · 03/04/2021 15:29

@TooYoungToNotice

I can all too readily believe this. I wouldn't have thought people behaved like this until a few years ago.

I have a slight issue with my lower spine and hips. Nothing too bad most of the time. That said when it flares up I walk slowly and with a very pronounced limp/odd gait.

People can be absolute and utter dicks. I once had a man rush up behind me in a shop in a narrow bit (but not so narrow that he couldn't have got past) and get so close he was towering over me. He huffed and puffed (I could feel his breath) and sighed loudly because he obviously thought I was too slow. He could clearly see there was something wrong.

As we got to the entrance lobby area of the shop there was a lady in a wheelchair being pushed in. I held the other door open and stopped to let her in. He then threw a strop, shouted 'oh my God' physically shoved me out of the way (really painful) and then barged past her wheelchair banging into her. There were other people waiting behind her to come in and to be fair they looked shocked.

It really opened my eyes to how people behave towards those who they see as different . I had a complete stranger say to me that I walked like John Wayne when I had a flare up! Why on earth they thought I needed their opinion I do not know. It worries me because my back and hips will only get worse.

this...

is absolutely Disabilist behaviour and Im sorry you experience this behaviour 🌸