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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's being sneeky

35 replies

FreshFancyFrogglette · 02/04/2021 19:28

Posting here because of the vote function which could be useful. Otherwise I suppose its a relationships post.

Going to keep it simple. I don't live with DP, but we spend a significant amount of time together, at least 5 days out of 7, if not more. Together on and off 6 years.

The other day his phone rang, female friend who he has not mentioned or (as far as I know) seen, or spoken to for over 3 or 4 years hame flashed up. A long time before we were together dp and said female friend nearly had a one night stand (drunken) but because of the level of alcohol he'd consumed it didnt go ahead. Anyway, flash forward to the night his phone rang, I said aren't you going to answer that? He said "no, I'm busy", (he wasn't!). I asked, have you spoken to friend lately, "yes I bumped into her we said we might meet up", me:"OK, how's she doing? How come u didn't mention it?", DP starts shouting about how doesn't have to tell me everything, why don't I tell him about things (load of gibberish, I share lots of info about my female and male friends with him, id certainly mention if id bumped into someone I'd not see for 5 years)..

Anyway, he later admits they didn't bump into eachother, they text eachother, and it wasn't a vague plan, they had agreed to meet up whilst I was at work, on a day last week, during school pick up times (as she has kids). When I left for work on the day they had (unbeknown to me) agreed to meet up, I said to him (as I always do on my way out) "got any plans today?", and he looked me straight in the eye and said "no nothing special, might go to my mums". Then I went to work to earn the money that pays for us to live, and it now turns out he waited for her to turn up (she didnt). Flash forward to the evening of the phone call, and me finding out about this plan, when I asked why the hell he lied to me about it he said "because she always bails on me"...

Aibu to think that this isn't a good excuse, and he didn't mention it because his intentions with said "friend" are not entirely "friendly"?!

For the record I've never met her, but I know she's very attractive as he's bragged to his friends about having nearly got with her Angry

Don't get me wrong, I don't think she is interested in him, so I'm not in the least concerned about cheating.. But I'm so angry at him for keeping it from me. I think it's sneaky snakey behaviour, and shows a dubious intent.

Its also disrespectful to her, if she thinks they are meeting up just as friends, yet he keeps it from his girlfriend.. Am I unreasonable to think he's being snake here? I

I have BPD (EUPD) and had a turbulent childhood full of my parents infidelity, and being abandoned, so can over react to perceived betrayal.. Just want some opinions please :).

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 02/04/2021 19:48

Personally I'd ditch him. The fact that you haven't made the move to live together despite the current arrangement says neither of you are committed. You'd be better to move on and get on with life. He isn't going to commit whilst she is a possibility. Life's too short!

Aprilx · 02/04/2021 19:54

You don’t live together but you are earning the money that you both live on? 🧐. The arrangement doesn’t sound entirely innocent, but your relationship doesn’t seem to be progressing anyway.

jajabanks · 02/04/2021 19:57

He says she always bails, so does that mean they've been meeting up before? I'd have a problem with it.

RandomNortherner · 02/04/2021 20:02

I wouldn't be comfortable with that at all. Similar issues growing up too. It looks to me like he has lied to you,I would take issue with the not being told the truth about his plans. It wouldn't sit right with me and I don't think you are being unreasonable.

MalibuandOrange · 02/04/2021 20:05

Why are you earning the money for you all to live on if he doesn't even live with you?
It's obviously a messed up situation op. Leave.

wigjuice · 02/04/2021 20:09

He's lying, he's being furtive, he's getting angry, telling you things only after her number flashed up on his phone. That doesn't sound like someone with honest intentions.

An0n0n0n · 02/04/2021 20:09

Ah, hes one of those men. The type that treat you like it's a relationship and are happy to sleep at yours most night s BUT NOT live there. Happy for you to pay BUT NOT get a joint account. Happy to be with you UNTIL you have a fight.

He's a taker and a user and you are, sadly, there for his convenience and, from experience, he will.drop you like a hot potato when it suits him.

Six years wasted, don't waste another six.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 02/04/2021 20:10

@LittleOwl153

Personally I'd ditch him. The fact that you haven't made the move to live together despite the current arrangement says neither of you are committed. You'd be better to move on and get on with life. He isn't going to commit whilst she is a possibility. Life's too short!
This^
WisnaeMe · 02/04/2021 20:12

@LittleOwl153

Personally I'd ditch him. The fact that you haven't made the move to live together despite the current arrangement says neither of you are committed. You'd be better to move on and get on with life. He isn't going to commit whilst she is a possibility. Life's too short!

agreed 🌸

LolaSmiles · 02/04/2021 20:13

He sounds like he's being shady.

After 6 years on and off, being dishonest with this friend and getting angry with you when challenged, do you need this man in your life?

RonSwansonsChair · 02/04/2021 20:16

I've the same question as other PPs Why are you earning the money for you all to live on if he doesn't even live with you?
I'd be seriously questioning continuing with this relationship OP.

Original poster
FreshFancyFrogglette · 02/04/2021 20:17

Hi all thank u for these replies... Its a complex situation. Going to sound like a drip feed, but I didn't want to make the post too long so kept to the necessary details.

OK, so we don't live together because there is a history of dv from him to me. I want to keep contact with my dd, and can't do so if I live with dp... My dd has never met him, and won't do so until we are stable (if at this point). we have 18 months of no dv from him to me so I was starting to think we were getting somewhere, but I guess if he's not getting his kicks from being abusive he might be finding the relationship boring and looking else where. All I want is a healthy, boring, stable relationship. I thought we had it. But honestly this was a bombshell to me. I thought we were open and honest, but meeting up with another woman while I'm at work, and not mention it can't be innocent can it? I'm being made a fool of here aren't I? Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
FreshFancyFrogglette · 02/04/2021 20:19

Also he has severe health issues which mean he can't work.. He's in a lot of pain, which has contributed to his anger and dv

OP posts:
winterchills · 02/04/2021 20:19

Definitely being taken for a fool. Get away from the arsehole

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 02/04/2021 20:20

It gets worse.

Leave. Really.

He ain’t a prize.

jajabanks · 02/04/2021 20:23

Not Ill enough to be seeing some one else.
Seriously, this is not normal.

HollowTalk · 02/04/2021 20:23

Oh good grief. He's really ticking every box, isn't he?

OP, you have to take really good care of your mental health and this bastard is going to drag you down if you're not careful.

Domestic violence? Cheating? Bragging about getting off with other women? Living off you financially?

You will feel much better without a man like this in your life.

Have you done the Freedom Programme online? It would be a good idea to do that when you've got rid of this man.

Travis1 · 02/04/2021 20:24

Fucksake that’s a hell of a drop
Feed. Get out. That’s it. You should never have taken him back. Does this mean you don’t actually have custody of your daughter? Because of this ‘man’?!?

Original poster
FreshFancyFrogglette · 02/04/2021 20:26

Thanks all I was expecting some posts like this after the update tbh. I have huge problems being alone.. I don't know if ppl here are familiar with borderline personality disorder and the notion of favourite person..but whn I learned about that a few years ago everything made sense. Loosing a boyfriend for me has always been like loosing a limb. I don't do casual (unless it's one night's stands and I've had plenty of those), but I've tried to leave quite a few times and ended up so suicidal that even ppl who were egging me on me on to leave were relieved when we were back together. No one else feels like home. I feel home sick and alienated. Totally helpless. It's awful. Just thinking about it fills me with dread.

I was hoping I was over reacting..but I'm not am I? He's playing me like a fiddle, and I can stay and play the fool, or leave and be suicidal. What a Sophie choice Sad

OP posts:
SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 02/04/2021 20:26

My sibling has chronic pain.

Never taken it out on anyone else.

What a piss poor excuse of a man.

Garlia · 02/04/2021 20:28

OP, your mental health will massively improve once you dump him.

It's not you, it's him. He's lying and 99% chance he has been meeting with her and cheating on you. Listen to your gut.

GCAcademic · 02/04/2021 20:30

I hope this doesn’t come across as mean, because I say it out of concern, but you really need to be in therapy, not in a relationship. This man does not meet any of the criteria for a suitable partner, particularly when there is a child involved.

Original poster
FreshFancyFrogglette · 02/04/2021 20:30

@Travis1 I have my own place where I have my daughter 3 nights a week. I see do during the day at his.. But he doesn't come to mine. I stay with him sometimes when my dd is with her dad.

The 50/50 arrangement was in place before the new relationship. But you are right that in normal circumstances I would be able to introduce a partner to dd and live as a family unit half the week by now.

OP posts:
pannikin · 02/04/2021 20:31

Chronic pain isn't an excuse to be violent towards other people. That's a pathetic excuse and a lie you're telling yourself to justify it.

Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? I have borderline and I benefitted greatly from it upon leaving a severely abusive and toxic relationship in 2015. Women's aid were also amazing.

Do you not have custody of your daughter because of this man? If so, you really need to get rid of him. That's awful.

Garlia · 02/04/2021 20:32

@FreshFancyFrogglette

Thanks all I was expecting some posts like this after the update tbh. I have huge problems being alone.. I don't know if ppl here are familiar with borderline personality disorder and the notion of favourite person..but whn I learned about that a few years ago everything made sense. Loosing a boyfriend for me has always been like loosing a limb. I don't do casual (unless it's one night's stands and I've had plenty of those), but I've tried to leave quite a few times and ended up so suicidal that even ppl who were egging me on me on to leave were relieved when we were back together. No one else feels like home. I feel home sick and alienated. Totally helpless. It's awful. Just thinking about it fills me with dread.

I was hoping I was over reacting..but I'm not am I? He's playing me like a fiddle, and I can stay and play the fool, or leave and be suicidal. What a Sophie choice Sad

I really, really feel for you. Yes, it will be painful, and overwhelming, andsuffering with BPD will make it 100x harder at some points.

But it also makes you strong and resilient. You will have so much dinner strength. I promise you will be so glad in the future, you'll meet someone who deserves you and you'll have a wonderfully balanced relationship.

If you stay with him, he will continue to hurt you - mentally if not physically. If you break up, you have a huge chance to have a better life. Flowers