To think he's being sneeky

[FreshFancyFrogglette]

Posting here because of the vote function which could be useful. Otherwise I suppose its a relationships post.

Going to keep it simple. I don't live with DP, but we spend a significant amount of time together, at least 5 days out of 7, if not more. Together on and off 6 years.

The other day his phone rang, female friend who he has not mentioned or (as far as I know) seen, or spoken to for over 3 or 4 years hame flashed up. A long time before we were together dp and said female friend nearly had a one night stand (drunken) but because of the level of alcohol he'd consumed it didnt go ahead. Anyway, flash forward to the night his phone rang, I said aren't you going to answer that? He said "no, I'm busy", (he wasn't!). I asked, have you spoken to friend lately, "yes I bumped into her we said we might meet up", me:"OK, how's she doing? How come u didn't mention it?", DP starts shouting about how doesn't have to tell me everything, why don't I tell him about things (load of gibberish, I share lots of info about my female and male friends with him, id certainly mention if id bumped into someone I'd not see for 5 years)..

Anyway, he later admits they didn't bump into eachother, they text eachother, and it wasn't a vague plan, they had agreed to meet up whilst I was at work, on a day last week, during school pick up times (as she has kids). When I left for work on the day they had (unbeknown to me) agreed to meet up, I said to him (as I always do on my way out) "got any plans today?", and he looked me straight in the eye and said "no nothing special, might go to my mums". Then I went to work to earn the money that pays for us to live, and it now turns out he waited for her to turn up (she didnt). Flash forward to the evening of the phone call, and me finding out about this plan, when I asked why the hell he lied to me about it he said "because she always bails on me"...

Aibu to think that this isn't a good excuse, and he didn't mention it because his intentions with said "friend" are not entirely "friendly"?!

For the record I've never met her, but I know she's very attractive as he's bragged to his friends about having nearly got with her

Don't get me wrong, I don't think she is interested in him, so I'm not in the least concerned about cheating.. But I'm so angry at him for keeping it from me. I think it's sneaky snakey behaviour, and shows a dubious intent.

Its also disrespectful to her, if she thinks they are meeting up just as friends, yet he keeps it from his girlfriend.. Am I unreasonable to think he's being snake here? I

I have BPD (EUPD) and had a turbulent childhood full of my parents infidelity, and being abandoned, so can over react to perceived betrayal.. Just want some opinions please :).

Inner strength!

Leave. This won't get better.

I am interested in the freedom programme, think that would help me get some perspective, I'm so confused. He's not perfect. But he wakes me up every morning with a coffee, made me a packed lunch for my first day at a new job.. He makes me tea. And makes an effort to remember things I've told him (Dr's appointment etc), he listens to me when I feel sad about my family, and having no brothers or sisters. He used to fix things in the flat for me, in fact he used to do a lot of things for me, in hind sight I guess this was all manipulation to get my to like him. Because he's stopped now. He used to hold my hand in public, and make sure I was on the inside, and hold the door open for me, and walk to meet me and make sure I didn't walk around in the dark at night. He doesn't actually bother with any of that any more thinking about it... He's got an assortment of female friends who are all very attractive and have issues, and he knows how to make them feel special and loved. No wonder I ended up with him I guess. My dds dad is a wonderful dad, but he was a compulsive liar (but his own admission), and sexual sadist (consensual) but we're talking a bit more than 50 shades of grey.

Why can't someone decent give me the time of day, and support me? I'm so down. I've left dp about 4/5 times for dv issues. But I've always given in and rang him back at some point, usually in the middle of the night in a right state, feeling suicidal and alone, unable to get help from the mental health services, on a 6 month wait for the woman's aid. We've been spli up for almost 6 months at one point. But I still couldn't move forward. He tells me he's never cheated on me, but God knows.. I wish I could have some concrete proof so I could walk away...

Sorry I'm rambling here and thinking allowed.. To clarify dds dad is not my current dp.. I've had 3 partners in my life. There's a pattern to them, that's all I'm saying, thinking out loud really.

Thank u for all the supportive posts!

He will keep trying to meet her until he gets what he wants...
Presumably a shag....
Ltb tonight.
You deserve so much more.

Actually you know what I'd do. I'd create a profile and search for him. Set the fucker up.

Walk away , my dear, walk away.

You need help to leave him for good. But you know that. You need to think of your daughter. Yes, you need to 'put your own oxygen mask on first' but she has to be the one you make the change for if you can't make it for yourself. You will need help and support. But think of it this way, how would you feel if your daughter grew up to repeat the relationship patterns she has picked up from you? How would you feel if she grew up thinking she deserved to be treated the way you are treated, and that the attention of a man - who treats her like shit - is the be all and end all and that she is worthless without it?

@Durtyblurty

You need help to leave him for good. But you know that. You need to think of your daughter. Yes, you need to 'put your own oxygen mask on first' but she has to be the one you make the change for if you can't make it for yourself. You will need help and support. But think of it this way, how would you feel if your daughter grew up to repeat the relationship patterns she has picked up from you? How would you feel if she grew up thinking she deserved to be treated the way you are treated, and that the attention of a man - who treats her like shit - is the be all and end all and that she is worthless without it?

Please try to focus on this OP.

Your daughter needs you to model healthy behaviour for her, or she is going to repeat the cycle you've been through during your adult life when it comes to relationships.

Wouldn't it feel great to walk away from someone who so obviously isn't an equal partner to you in order to elevate you and your daughters lives and set her up to have healthy relationships as an adult?

You need to be focusing on therapy and your daughter. Not on any men, at all, for a decent stretch of time.

She needs to be priority.

It's remarkable how many vile and violent abusers who have 'chronic pain' somehow always manage to muster the strength to hurt their partners (or children/pets) when the rest of us can barely manage to crack an egg or hold a full cup of tea.

Get support in place and get rid of him. Surely your daughter is worth more of a feeling of 'home' than this waste of oxygen? Because if anybody gets wind of you still spending most of your time with him, you can wave goodbye to that 50%. For her safety.