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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So sad today

48 replies

Flowers24 · 02/04/2021 18:25

I am fed up, spent the whole day alone, teens in their rooms all day, i had visions of us maybe playing a board game or a walk, was met with ' nah im ok' and the bedroom door closes. Is it normal to feel so rejected ? This feels like a part of parenting no one tells you about, its hard.

OP posts:

speakout · 02/04/2021 18:26

How old are your children? Anyone else in the family?

Topseyt · 02/04/2021 18:30

I get where you are coming from, but teens very often don't want to spend time with their parents. Mine rarely did. They are in their twenties now (well, youngest is 18, but the older two are 25 and 22) and much better, but still like to be by themselves in the house. They come out at mealtimes, and sometimes we watch a bit of TV in the evenings.

It is quite a teenage response, to be honest. It can feel like a rejection, but I don't think it is. I just go and do my own thing, such as read a book or just be by myself etc.

speakout · 02/04/2021 18:32

Ok sorry- saw it was teens.
Find the key to engage them.
Board games and walks sound pretty dull I'm afraid.
At this stage you need to think outside the box.
Have a chilli challenge/pizza/ hard core abs workout/tarot reading session. Do they like to cook?

TBH at this stage I welcomed the calm- time to do my own stuff- what are your interests OP?

speakout · 02/04/2021 18:33

Look on it as respite OP.

Take up some activity- you have not had this free time for more than a decade- make the most of it!!

Francescaisstressed · 02/04/2021 18:36

Try a different approach - family video game (Mario kart) takeaway/make your own pizza, film night with pop corn.

I don't have kids, but when I was a teenager I ddi enjoy some space, but enjoyed film nights etc

madmara · 02/04/2021 18:37

I have a toddler who never stops talking so I dream of the day that I am in your position!

From friends and family with teenagers, it seems to be fairly standard.

PinkiOcelot · 02/04/2021 18:40

Same here. Normally only see DD2 when she comes down to collect her tea and goes straight back up to her room.
I’m going to be looking for a holiday partner as well because they’re not really interested in going with me anymore.

speakout · 02/04/2021 18:45

OP- I mean this in the kindest way, but perhaps it's time to invest in youself.

As children grow - from the moment they are born they start to move away from us. They start school, make friends, and progres on their own path.
Teenagers need this time apart from us. It is healthy and natural as the develop into adolescence and adulthood.
However much a teenager loves a parent and how close we are it is vital that they have space.
Your part as a parent is to steer a solid ship.
Don't take this personally- I am sure your teenagers love you- but this is part of how they grow up.
And in some ways you need to learn too- how to use your time and find ways to self nurture and expand.

Igmum · 02/04/2021 18:52

I hear you OP. I'm a single parent and it's getting lonely now DD14 stays in her room a lot. It's a necessary developmental stage and she's a great kid but I'd love to spend more time with her. One day 🤞

Feelingconfused2020 · 02/04/2021 18:56

YANBU. I work with teenagers but don't have any yet. I think it's ok to ask them to spend some time with you. Why not suggest that you play a board game tomorrow and ask them to say when would be a good time. If they say no then tell them you would like to and it's important to you. Ask them what else you could do to spend time together if a board game is really not what they want.

Sleepingdogs12 · 02/04/2021 19:02

It is really hard to adapt to the change of no one wanting to do anything or go anywhere. I found it a really difficult time. You spend all that time focused on them and then they drift away . It is natural and you wouldn't want them not to become independent it it does take a while to adapt. I found meals out was one thing we could all enjoy but at the moment that is a no go.

Silverfly · 02/04/2021 19:06

I know what you mean OP - I've found that this stage started quite suddenly, and after years of longing for a bit of "me time" it has taken me by surprise!

I do insist that we all eat together every night so that's an opportunity to chat. How about watching a movie? Shopping (when the shops reopen)?

Keep reaching out to them but don't take it too personally if they say no!

Georgyporky · 02/04/2021 19:27

I was like this with my parents - wasn't everyone ?
So, not at all surprised when DS did the same.
At least I didn't have to compromise on what to watch on TV !

justanotherneighinparadise · 02/04/2021 19:28

If they were old enough to stay home alone I’d have put my favourite music or audiobook on my iPhone, jacked in my headphones and gone out for a walk myself.

needadvice54321 · 02/04/2021 19:31

I have teens - 12 and 17 - and tbh I'd be shocked if DS1 in particular wanted to spend that much time with us - it feels a natural part of growing up; not spending time with his old folks!

Eyevorbig0ne · 02/04/2021 19:35

Yeah I get you OP.
DD has spent the day in her pit. It took over an hour to get her out for a walk around the block.
30 min walk. Straight back to her room since 12.00.
Just the way it is.

Graciebobcat · 02/04/2021 19:47

I think just try to engage with them when you can. I find if I go up and ask what they are doing and have a chat then they will come down and engage with me too. Maybe not to go for a walk or play a board game (or only occasionally) but pop out to the the shop with me or choose a film to watch together.

SunshineCake · 02/04/2021 19:53

My son used to like playing games with me but for the last year he hasn't wanted to. He has his gaming computer now, new friends, we are all busy, living a different life. It is hard but I just make sure when they do come down I give them my full attention. He's nearly 16.

toocold54 · 02/04/2021 19:57

Look on it as respite OP.

Take up some activity- you have not had this free time for more than a decade- make the most of it!!

Absolutely this!!

My DD has started staying in her room all day and not wanting to do much which I hated at first but after years of being a single parent I’m staring to actually be able to do things I want to do even if it’s having a long bath and watching a movie it’s nice to get some me time. I know this phase won’t last forever and I can’t wait until we start doing things together more again but I’m trying to make the best out of it.

Happycat1212 · 02/04/2021 19:57

God I wish my kids would stay in their room with the doors shut 😅 I have 4 under 10 so I’m sick of constantly having to entertain everyone

TheDaydreamBelievers · 02/04/2021 19:59

It is a stage, and they do come back! 13-18 we moaned and avoided spending any time with parents. From 20 upwards we loved it again (coffees, holidays, walks etc etc)

Cocomarine · 02/04/2021 20:03

I feel for you, because it is hard.
I have to disagree that no-one tells you about it though - teens holing up in rooms wanting nothing to with their parents? This is not a shocker.
Make the most of the time you’re re-finding - even if you’d rather have the time with them, it’s better than moping. And the snippets of time they do let you have - might just be a short chat when giving them a lift - are wonderfully previous and uplifting. So look forward to and enjoy those!

Roselilly36 · 02/04/2021 20:06

Really normal behaviour for teens, my two DS’ are 19 & 18, they appear at mealtimes!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/04/2021 20:12

It sounds very typical and it goes in phases.
Food was always an attraction. Buying milkshake ingredients and letting them have at it. A walk would generate no interest. A walk which included a cafe ( takeaways) would be a different matter. Sometimes they just don’t want too much conversation so we’d all put on a podcast and then we’d still get some chat about it. But its def a sign of them building independence.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 02/04/2021 20:53

It is normal but can be upsetting. Just make sure you’re available during the random times they do want to talk ... usually as you’re about to go to bed

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