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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find this vile from ex?

30 replies

zinpohar · 02/04/2021 09:30

I've namechanged for this as this could potentially be outing

I split up with my ex when my ds (almost 16) was 11 and he's been going to his dads eow since then. A few years ago ds told me he was gay and was dating a boy from his school (this boy was openly gay). I was shocked as he had girlfriends in the past but I told him It was ok and I loved him etc. I also met the boy and he seems nice. They're still dating but ds keeps telling me about his dad being homophobic. He got back from his dads yesterday and ds told me that his dad told him he wasn't gay as he's had girlfriends and ds told his dad he was confused at that time and his dad told him he probably is confused now. His dad also said his boyfriend 'is pressuring him to be gay' and that ds is too young to know for sure. I'm also not sure why my ex keeps mentioning ds being gay and his boyfriend etc. Ds also said that at school everyone is fine with him being gay and asked why his dad can't be.

Aibu to find this vile? Ds said he's getting fed up of his dad but I can't stop all contact as I've got a 4 year old with ex aswell.

OP posts:

Weebitawks · 02/04/2021 09:41

Do you have a relationship where you can talk to the ex about it? If he is any sort of father, if he realises he's really upsetting his son, he should back down.

SavoyCabbage · 02/04/2021 09:44

I don't think vile is the right word.

Thick?

It's a very old fashioned way of thinking and this is how I would discuss it with my 15 year old in this situation.

He's 15, surely he doesn't have to see his dad if he doesn't want to. That shouldn't affect your four year old as well.

GNCQ · 02/04/2021 09:46

Gay and bisexual are interchangeable terms so maybe your ex would be more comfortable with the term "bisexual"?

A 16 year old will be just starting out exploring their sexuality anyway so nothing needs to be set as permanent.

GNCQ · 02/04/2021 09:47

15 not 26

GNCQ · 02/04/2021 09:47

Daydrambeliever · 02/04/2021 09:55

You don't have the power to change your ex's opinions or even his behaviour. Your 15yo son and his dad are responsible for their own relationship. You only have the power to affect your behaviour so keep doing what your doing - unconditional love, support, listening to your son, reassuring him that he's OK as he is. It is up to him to decide if he can cope with a relationship with his dad. You will have to keep facilitating contact with the 4 yo.

Mumoblue · 02/04/2021 09:56

You are definitely not being unreasonable for finding homophobia vile.

I agree that if you have the kind of relationship where you can discuss it with your ex you should tell him to back off.

SavageBeauty73 · 02/04/2021 10:01

At 15 he can decide whether to see his dad or not. My teenagers have chosen to see their dad very rarely.

Zoecarter · 02/04/2021 10:01

@GNCQ gay and bisexual arnt interchangeable that’s like saying straight and bisexual are interchangeable 🙄🙄

Just let your son know you love and support him op

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 02/04/2021 10:02

@GNCQ

Gay and bisexual are interchangeable terms so maybe your ex would be more comfortable with the term "bisexual"?

A 16 year old will be just starting out exploring their sexuality anyway so nothing needs to be set as permanent.

Gay and bi aren't the same thing at all. You might as well say straight and bi are interchangeable.

Naunet · 02/04/2021 10:26

Gay and bisexual are interchangeable terms so maybe your ex would be more comfortable with the term "bisexual"?

A 16 year old will be just starting out exploring their sexuality anyway so nothing needs to be set as permanent.

They’re no more interchangeable than bi and straight are. It’s also not gay people’s job to change their language to make homophobes feel more comfortable.

LonginesPrime · 02/04/2021 10:27

Gay and bisexual are interchangeable terms so maybe your ex would be more comfortable with the term "bisexual"?

Wtf?

They are not interchangeable terms and it is not for DS's father to define his sexuality! Who cares what his father is more comfortable with wrt DS's sexuality???

OP, I think it's worth reminding DS that he doesn't have to spend regular time with his dad if it's unpleasant or abusive. I wouldn't want to keep going back for more of that nonsense or to keep being told my relationship isn't valid and my boyfriend is pressuring me to be gay, etc. At 16, it really is his choice.

It might also be worth sitting down the three of you (or supporting DS in talking to his dad alone) and explaining to the dad how upsetting and offensive his comments are. Then, if he continues and his DS stops coming round, he only has himself to blame.

Brefugee · 02/04/2021 10:32

Gay and bisexual are interchangeable terms

no they aren't.

OP your DS has to choose how much involvement he wants with his dad, and all you have to do is support him. But he shouldn't be forced to have a relationship if he doesn't want to just because of the younger child.

GNCQ · 02/04/2021 10:34

Err alright, I know bisexual people who refer to themselves as "gay" so shoot me. I grew up in Brighton, maybe it's a local thing.

GNCQ · 02/04/2021 10:36

Anyway, seeing as the person in question has actually had girlfriends maybe bisexual would the the technically more accurate term

Bufferingkisses · 02/04/2021 10:40

Op just make sure your ds knows he has the power to stop contact if he wants to. Just because you are taking your 4yo doesn't mean he has to go too. Ds can make up his own mind. If he decides to stop contact just put in writing (text/email) that ds has decided he doesn't want to visit for a while and doesn't want/does want phone contact and that he will let his dad know when he feels ready to resume it in the future. Do not engage in any arguing/debating about it.

suspiria777 · 02/04/2021 10:47

@GNCQ

Gay and bisexual are interchangeable terms so maybe your ex would be more comfortable with the term "bisexual"?

A 16 year old will be just starting out exploring their sexuality anyway so nothing needs to be set as permanent.

gay and bisexual are not interchangeable terms any more than straight and gay are interchangeable.

LonginesPrime · 02/04/2021 10:50

Anyway, seeing as the person in question has actually had girlfriends maybe bisexual would the the technically more accurate term

Many people (myself included) find it deeply offensive when others attempt to correct them on their own sexuality and the way they define it.

It's not about obtaining accuracy from the tally of how many male or female people a person has slept with - it's based on an individual's sexual orientation. Which no-one can determine except the person themselves.

Many gay people grow up in homophobic households and/or heteronormative communities and therefore did end up having heterosexual relationships as a result, despite the pain of knowing they're not truly happy and are merely settling. To then have those problematic heterosexual relationships brought up by others as further evidence that "oh, technically you can't be gay" just compounds the pain that gay people encounter growing up in a heteronormative society.

Obviously, some people might use the terms interchangeably and might have different attitudes to them, but I can't imagine many of them seek to define other people's sexual orientation - it's personal to the individual.

RB68 · 02/04/2021 10:50

Your eldest can make his own decisions about whether or not to see his Dad if he is being homophobic (which he clearly is) I mean can you imagine if your lad turned to him and said Dad I think you are confused, you are gay not straight. In the same way your lad has no say over his Dads relationships, other than help and support to manage a relationship his Dad has no say on the type of relationship he has. Your ex needs to grow up and inform himself with some reading on this subject and understand how much damage he is inflicting on the relationship with his son with his attitude.

In terms of the younger child, they will need to continue seeing their Dad but your eldest does not if he doesn't want to and no court would rule otherwise and would be having an extensive interview process with your son and social workers when all of this would come out and not put him in the greatest light at all.

RB68 · 02/04/2021 10:52

The desire to conform is normal in young teens and relationships with previous partners whilst they are exploring their sexuality cannot be used to define a persons sexuality

Original poster

zinpohar · 02/04/2021 11:27

I've told ds he doesn't have to see his dad if he doesn't want to but I know my ex would say that he should be allowed to see both of his children and not just youngest. We also don't really have a civil coparenting relationship, he just picks them and then drops them off and we don't talk over text unless it's something to do with school like parents evening etc.

Ds was young when he dated the girls so it wasn't a 'proper' relationship and yesterday when he told me what his dad said about dating the girls etc ds told me that he never 'liked' the girls in that way and that he liked them just as friends but he was confused.

OP posts:

LonginesPrime · 02/04/2021 11:32

I know my ex would say that he should be allowed to see both of his children and not just youngest

Well, it's the child who has a right to see the non-resident parent, not the parent's right to see their child.

He has no right to see a child who doesn't want to see him. So it's up to your DS.

Daydrambeliever · 02/04/2021 11:42

He may say he has a "right" to see his child but the child is really no longer a child and there is no court in the land that would force an (almost) 16 year old to spend time with someone they don't want to.

So long as you keep facilitating contact with the little one you can never be accused of parental alienation or deliberately withholding contact.

Remember however that so much of our self-esteem comes from our parents and their perception of us. Your son will very conflicted and will need calm support.

SimonJT · 02/04/2021 12:14

Sadly it isn’t an uncommon problem.

Contact is about the child having a right to see his/her parents, it is not the right of the parent. You also can’t force a child of that age to do something they don’t want to.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/04/2021 12:20

"Contact is about the child having a right to see his/her parents, it is not the right of the parent. You also can’t force a child of that age to do something they don’t want to."

This.

It's not about what your husband is allowed to do. Just because you're allowed to do something with someone else doesnt mean that person has to comply with your wishes when that person is almost an adult.

I think I would tell him at 15 he can sort out arrangements with his son directly and it's up to his son whether he wants to see him. When he comes to pick them up, if he doednt want to go then just send your 4 year old out to the car and tell your eldest that he doesnt have to go with his dad. He cant force his way into your house and physically carry him off

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