Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DSS alone???

44 replies

mrsjennilou · 01/04/2021 23:18

Our 16 year old DSS left our home around three months ago and went to live with his mother. My husband had full court ordered custody for the last 10 years. All was fine up until recently, we encouraged contact between DSS and his mother, never interfered. DSS started with "normal" teenage behaviour, we put our foot down, put in place normal boundaries. DSS response was to live with his mother. Since then he has blocked our enitre family - us, his younger siblings, grandparents etc from all methods of contact and hasn't spoken to us since. We have tried to reach out but he's not interested. I'm not sure what else we can do. AIBU for us to just step off completely and wait for him to come to us or should we be doing more?
My husband is really lost, he doesnt say it but i can tell its getting to him. I'm just not sure if we've done enough or whether we have to let DSS just make his own path?

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 01/04/2021 23:20

How old is he?
I think you’re correct, there’s not much you can do here. Could your husband write him a letter telling him that he loves and misses him? All he can do is keep trying.

RainbowRaine · 01/04/2021 23:21

You can ask police to do a welfare check

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/04/2021 23:21

I’d leave him to it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/04/2021 23:21

@19lottie82

How old is he? I think you’re correct, there’s not much you can do here. Could your husband write him a letter telling him that he loves and misses him? All he can do is keep trying.
16. As it says in the very first line...
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/04/2021 23:22

There don’t seem to be grounds to involve the police. What does his mum say about this? Is she in contact? What about school?

Original poster
mrsjennilou · 01/04/2021 23:23

He's 16. Both me and my husband have both messaged him via the usual online channels. Explained to him that we will always love him and he can contact us when he's ready. He's seen the messages and then blocked us afterwards. A letter might be a good idea, might feel a bit more heart felt. Ill suggest it to my husband.
I dont have 100% faith that his mother would pass the letter to him though

OP posts:
OverTheRubicon · 01/04/2021 23:24

What does his mother say - can your DH speak with her? Is there any issue with her as a parent that meant that your DH had primary custody?

Original poster
mrsjennilou · 01/04/2021 23:24

I think his mum is frustrating the contact between us. No proof but thats my gut

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsjennilou · 01/04/2021 23:25

College are keeping us in the looop with everything. He's gone from a straight a student to almost being kicked out since he left.

OP posts:
Hidinginstaircupboard · 01/04/2021 23:30

Yes, he's 16

There's no need for police check or any over reaction , your DSS is telling you he needs space by his actions

It's so complicated blended families and for whatever reason he feels he's missed out on seeing his other parent. To him it doesn't matter nor compute that it wasn't her actions that caused him not to see her as much .

I can imagine your DH, his dad, is devastated. Your job is to support dad through this tough period. Keep the door open and remind - however you can- your DSS that the door is always open and that you love and miss him xxx

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Teenagers - meh. They aren't the most logical thinkers

Original poster
mrsjennilou · 01/04/2021 23:35

@Hidinginstaircupboard

Yes, he's 16

There's no need for police check or any over reaction , your DSS is telling you he needs space by his actions

It's so complicated blended families and for whatever reason he feels he's missed out on seeing his other parent. To him it doesn't matter nor compute that it wasn't her actions that caused him not to see her as much .

I can imagine your DH, his dad, is devastated. Your job is to support dad through this tough period. Keep the door open and remind - however you can- your DSS that the door is always open and that you love and miss him xxx

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Teenagers - meh. They aren't the most logical thinkers

Ahhh That actually made me tear up a bit, thank you. It just feels so wrong inside knowing we have a child of ours that isn't part of our lives right now. And i feel like we should be doing more. Its a massive internal conflict. But i think deep down, DSS needs to come back to us in his own time. I get that DSS wants time with his mum. We even said once he got older if he ever wanted to trial living with her it was absolutely fine with us. We really just want whats best for him. We are just really sad its come to this.
OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 01/04/2021 23:38

@19lottie82

How old is he? I think you’re correct, there’s not much you can do here. Could your husband write him a letter telling him that he loves and misses him? All he can do is keep trying.
Our 16 year old DSS
May17th · 01/04/2021 23:42

If you just want to know your DSS is ok could you reach out to one of his friends parents?

Original poster
mrsjennilou · 01/04/2021 23:46

@May17th

If you just want to know your DSS is ok could you reach out to one of his friends parents?
When DSS left ours he had recently started with a new crowd of friends that we didn't really know. Since DSS left school he left all his school friends behind, broke up with his long term girlfriend etc. So we don't really have any means of communication in that respect.
OP posts:
ArnoJambonsBike · 01/04/2021 23:47

For fucks sake, if you can't read and comprehend the second word in a post, what is the point of even posting as all you've done is show you've got the intelligence of my Winnie the Pooh biscuit jar. The real Winnie is a bear of very little brain, so imagine what a ceramic replica is like.

NerdyBird · 01/04/2021 23:52

Dsd1 has done similar to this. It's so hard to know what to do. I am encouraging DH to keep trying but I don't know how much of an effort he's making. I think not getting much back from her makes him less likely to try.

SRS29 · 01/04/2021 23:54

@ArnoJambonsBike

For fucks sake, if you can't read and comprehend the second word in a post, what is the point of even posting as all you've done is show you've got the intelligence of my Winnie the Pooh biscuit jar. The real Winnie is a bear of very little brain, so imagine what a ceramic replica is like.
The what now? Confused
FunTimes2020 · 01/04/2021 23:55

@19lottie82

How old is he? I think you’re correct, there’s not much you can do here. Could your husband write him a letter telling him that he loves and misses him? All he can do is keep trying.
How old is he?!? Come on now!
Original poster
mrsjennilou · 01/04/2021 23:58

@NerdyBird

Dsd1 has done similar to this. It's so hard to know what to do. I am encouraging DH to keep trying but I don't know how much of an effort he's making. I think not getting much back from her makes him less likely to try.
I feel for you, its so hard. I might only be a step parent but ive brought DSS as my own for the last 11 years and its devastating. i do feel like my DH either compartmentalises or pushes everything down so its fine on the surface. But i can see DH is really upset, even if he doesn't show it. But he is if the view, DSS will come back in his own time.
OP posts:
WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 01/04/2021 23:58

@ArnoJambonsBike

For fucks sake, if you can't read and comprehend the second word in a post, what is the point of even posting as all you've done is show you've got the intelligence of my Winnie the Pooh biscuit jar. The real Winnie is a bear of very little brain, so imagine what a ceramic replica is like.
Grin
Zancah · 02/04/2021 00:01

@ArnoJambonsBike

For fucks sake, if you can't read and comprehend the second word in a post, what is the point of even posting as all you've done is show you've got the intelligence of my Winnie the Pooh biscuit jar. The real Winnie is a bear of very little brain, so imagine what a ceramic replica is like.

Grin I agree wholeheartedly.

AliceMcK · 02/04/2021 00:02

I know what my dad would have done in this situation, he would go round to where his son was living and knock on the door to check on him. He would tell him what ever has happened as happened but he’s still our Dad and if DS wants to be treated like an adult that’s fine, but he needs to act like it and not ignore his family like a child. I know he’d do this because he has, once with me when I was 19 and moved I’m with a boyfriend and I stop contacting my family and once with my brother who did something pretty bad when he was in his 20s and on drugs. He would never just leave it to play itself out, he would pull us up to our faces and sort it out there and then.

I’m fairly certain he’d say going from a straight a student to almost being kicked out of collage dose not tell him everything is fine. If push came to shove he’d probably threaten us by saying at 16 I’m still your legal guardian and have custody rights so if you don’t get your act together I will evoke those rights.

I think your husband needs to face up to his son and find out what’s going on rather than sending messages. For all you know he may be in trouble and need help.

Zancah · 02/04/2021 00:08

Op, I think you need to leave him to it for the time being. Send messages saying you're not mad and he's welcome back anytime, I think he'll come to his senses at some point but he may think that you're mad at him and it take even longer, iyswim?
I'm not sure what to suggest if you think his mum may be poisoning him against you Sad
Best wishes op, you sound like you've been great parents to him, hopefully some of it's hit home and he sees through the difficulties Thanks

Hankunamatata · 02/04/2021 00:36

Just tell DH to keep trying, even if it's just a letter/card through ex door each week with family news, telling him he is loved etc. Its important to keep trying

TaraR2020 · 02/04/2021 03:00

Op, what a terribly painful situation. I think for your sanity it's wise to step back a little, but not completely. I'd continue to send regular messages in whatever way you can - how regular is up to you both, whether its just birthdays and Christmases or more often for example.

Simply because, if and when he wants to resume contact he might find it impossible to make the first move so the olive branch would make all the difference.

Id be prepared for a few false starts as well.

Flowers

@ArnoJambonsBike what is your problem? Hmm