Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To leave DSS alone???

44 replies

mrsjennilou · 01/04/2021 23:18

Our 16 year old DSS left our home around three months ago and went to live with his mother. My husband had full court ordered custody for the last 10 years. All was fine up until recently, we encouraged contact between DSS and his mother, never interfered. DSS started with "normal" teenage behaviour, we put our foot down, put in place normal boundaries. DSS response was to live with his mother. Since then he has blocked our enitre family - us, his younger siblings, grandparents etc from all methods of contact and hasn't spoken to us since. We have tried to reach out but he's not interested. I'm not sure what else we can do. AIBU for us to just step off completely and wait for him to come to us or should we be doing more?
My husband is really lost, he doesnt say it but i can tell its getting to him. I'm just not sure if we've done enough or whether we have to let DSS just make his own path?

OP posts:

Alreadyinmypyjamas · 02/04/2021 05:33

But have you told us how old he is yet?

Messyplayallday · 02/04/2021 05:43

@Alreadyinmypyjamas

But have you told us how old he is yet?

OP has it in the first post and has already replied to someone else! 16.

RichPetunia · 02/04/2021 05:58

already in my pyjamas was being ironic 😁.
The Winnie the Pooh putdown from an earlier poster was a classic. Best I’ve seen😂

frumpety · 02/04/2021 06:42

How far away is he ? I would be tempted to go round, you might get a frosty reception but it will show him you care.

SnuggyBuggy · 02/04/2021 06:48

I'm guessing there is backstory with your OH getting full residency for the last 10 years, has mum been portraying herself as a victim to him making him feel conflicted?

In any case I think keeping the door open and regular attempts at contact are all you can do at his age.

howsoonisnow85 · 02/04/2021 06:51

Im definitely stealing that Winnie the Pooh line, so good!
OP, I would advise to keep regularly trying to make contact in an easy going way. I was your DSS when going through a teenage rebellious phase & parent stepping back just added fuel to my fire (see, they dont care about me etc).

TonyChestnut · 02/04/2021 06:55

Does anyone know how old he is?

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 02/04/2021 07:05

@TonyChestnut

Does anyone know how old he is?

No but Winnie The Pooh does

GrumpyHoonMain · 02/04/2021 07:11

I would be involving social services if possible.

chalktheblockwithglitterchalk · 02/04/2021 07:28

He is 16. Probably angry with all that's happened in his life. Probably enjoying spending time with his mum. Just let him get on with things and leave him alone . If she is a rubbish mum then I'm sure he will eventually come back to you all. Not much else you can do I'm afraid.

chalktheblockwithglitterchalk · 02/04/2021 07:30

@ArnoJambonsBike

For fucks sake, if you can't read and comprehend the second word in a post, what is the point of even posting as all you've done is show you've got the intelligence of my Winnie the Pooh biscuit jar. The real Winnie is a bear of very little brain, so imagine what a ceramic replica is like.

. Love it

chalktheblockwithglitterchalk · 02/04/2021 07:33

@GrumpyHoonMain

I would be involving social services if possible.

The won't do anything for a 16 year old

19lottie82 · 02/04/2021 13:43

@ArnoJambonsBike Jeezo, who rattled your cage? Do you get so worked up about trivial matters IRL? No need to be cunty.

Dobbyisahouseelf · 02/04/2021 15:10

@arnojambonsbike brutal but true!

Felifox · 02/04/2021 15:50

What's dss' relationship and contact been like with his dm since he's lived with you and his df?

If the college are in contact could they arrange for your dh to visit and discuss your dss' education during the college day with dss present? Has he any ambitions of a career or area he wants to work in?

I think it's such a difficult situation as they only get one chance at full time education. I hope you manage to get in contact with him.

BronwenFrideswide · 02/04/2021 15:55

[quote 19lottie82]@ArnoJambonsBike Jeezo, who rattled your cage? Do you get so worked up about trivial matters IRL? No need to be cunty.[/quote]
No need not to read the opening post properly either, if you had taken the time to read and inwardly digest the very first line of the post you wouldn't have needed to ask the stupid question in your response to the OP, would you?

Ifixfastjets · 02/04/2021 17:18

As someone said above... teens are not the most logical thinkers.
My ds (I am single full time parent, not seen my ex in getting on for 10 years) left some mess in the kitchen one night, after his midnight supper.
I got up late the next day and went straight to work. No time for breakfast. Or kitchen.
He got up sometime that afternoon, saw the kitchen was a mess and went to stay with his girlfriend.
After a couple of weeks of sofa surfing and doing chores to "earn his food" he came back with his tail between his legs.
I had texted to ask if he was ok. Got very short replies. Then ignored.
So i left him be.
He soon worked out he was better off at home with me. He just needed time/space/ different experiences to realise that.

My advice to you and his dad.
Send one last message to ds, not via his mum.
Tell him you appreciate he needs some space. You will always be there for him and you love him.
Then leave him be.

nokidshere · 02/04/2021 17:26

If push came to shove he’d probably threaten us by saying at 16 I’m still your legal guardian and have custody rights so if you don’t get your act together I will evoke those rights.

No one would make a 16yr old, with a roof over his head and not in immediate danger, live somewhere they didn't want to.

Crystal90567 · 02/04/2021 17:33

Did he not see his mother from age 6? Why?

It's my worse nightmare for that to happen to me my controlling ex used to write notes on things I did wrong to try and do this. He lived with me to gain evidence and wouldn't leave. And he would be abusive to me for hours then at the end, film my reaction. It was all with the daily stated aim of full custody. After he eventually, thank god, left, he quickly got a lovely 24yo new wife too, for this reason.
Luckily the new wife didn't want a step child and despite them being rich and me not so rich, I managed to get through keeping my son. If the fates hadn't shined on me, my wonderful, beautiful, successful 14yo soon would be in the same position.

Flip

1 2