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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this isn't my fault?

59 replies

oligar · 01/04/2021 18:05

I've namechanged for obvious reasons

I'm pregnant with my first child. I don't live with his dad yet but he will move in with me nearer the time. Our relationship is good majority of the time. Last night we had an argument as his replies were blunt so I asked him if he was ok and he told me to 'stop assuming stuff'. I said I wasn't and he told me to stop messaging him. I told him he needs to grow up by the time baby is born and he ignored the message. I messaged him today and he told me to stop messaging him and then he said that last night he self harmed and that it was my fault as he hadn't done it for a while

Aibu to think he's being out of order by blaming me?

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/04/2021 19:16

Do not move this man into your home. Having a newborn is stressful enough, a manipulative manchild will just make everything harder.

"I told him he needs to grow up by the time baby is born and he ignored the message."
He won't grow up. He will continue to ignore anything he doesn't want to do, and that includes being an adult, being a partner and being a parent. Don't do this to yourself, break with him and move on.

Atalantea · 01/04/2021 19:29

yeah - hmmm, he's blaming you for his own actions, thats not fair or right.

NoSquirrels · 01/04/2021 19:34

It’s not your fault. Don’t take that guilt or blame.

Rethink having him move in.

You’re better off living alone with a baby than you are having to deal with a man-child as well.

FortniteBoysMum · 01/04/2021 19:41

Do not move him in, do not give your child his name and think very carefully if you want him on the birth certificate as that gives him legal rights. This is the start of an abusive relationship and as soon as you move in together no doubt with a screaming baby he will loose his temper. It will either be you or your child on the receiving end when he does.

Chloemol · 01/04/2021 19:48

Red flags all over this, I would try and go it alone. Don’t live with him

Tal45 · 01/04/2021 19:51

This is someone with serious problems that he thinks he can blame you for, please don't consider moving him in with you and baby.

BlankTimes · 01/04/2021 19:52

Don't let him move in.
Don't put his name on the birth certificate.

Easterbunnyishoppingmad · 01/04/2021 19:53

Was the baby planned?

Merename · 01/04/2021 19:53

It is absolutely not your fault and completely agree with others that you should not let him move in. Babies cause serious strains on relationships and this does not sound like a man who is going to cope well with that strain. Sorry you are in this situation

FionnulaTheCooler · 01/04/2021 19:54

Of course it isn't your fault, he's a grown man and responsible for his own actions. Agree with the posters who have said you should take a step back from this relationship and prepare yourself for the possibility of single parenthood, do you have a trusted friend or family member you can ask to support you for the birth?

CloudFormations · 01/04/2021 19:58

He sounds awful. I would really think twice before moving in with someone that manipulative.

TurquoiseDragon · 01/04/2021 20:17

@BlankTimes

Don't let him move in. Don't put his name on the birth certificate.

Yes, if you put him on the BC, he'll automatically have PR (but then, he'll only be on the BC if he's at the appointment to register the baby with you).

If he steps up and proves himself to be a decent dad, then he can be added to the BC later on.

It looks like you'll be a single parent, so don't give baby his surname, it'll be a lot easier for you if you and baby share a surname.

GreenlandTheMovie · 01/04/2021 20:19

He sounds impossible to deal with.

You're better off single.

winterchills · 01/04/2021 20:21

You need to cut the relationship before bringing a baby in to it

SnuggyBuggy · 01/04/2021 20:22

I've had some experience with self harm but to do it and then tell someone it's their fault you did it is really shitty behaviour. This relationship doesn't sound great.

Umbivalent · 01/04/2021 20:24

Wow. The replies on here.

Whatever happened to "be kind"? And to be considerate of people's mental health issues?

We don't know what the OP was arguing about. What were you arguing about, OP?

A person who self harms needs support. Whether that is if you are together, or apart, he is still your child's father. You should support his mental health in the interests of your child.

Ditto, not putting his name on your child's birth certificate. How do you think they might feel about that, as they get older?

I'm not saying this guy is without fault. But a bit of nuance and understanding might be helpful. In fact, this event may help you to understand him more.

ThatsNotTheTeaHunty · 01/04/2021 20:26

Oh dear. Please leave. That is not your fault.
He will get worse and will throw the line in that he will kill himself if you leave.

NoSquirrels · 01/04/2021 20:28

@Umbivalent

Wow. The replies on here.

Whatever happened to "be kind"? And to be considerate of people's mental health issues?

We don't know what the OP was arguing about. What were you arguing about, OP?

A person who self harms needs support. Whether that is if you are together, or apart, he is still your child's father. You should support his mental health in the interests of your child.

Ditto, not putting his name on your child's birth certificate. How do you think they might feel about that, as they get older?

I'm not saying this guy is without fault. But a bit of nuance and understanding might be helpful. In fact, this event may help you to understand him more.

Well, it wasn’t very “kind” of him to blame her for his own actions, was it?

Mental health problems aren’t an excuse to be an arsehole or manipulate people.

OP needed to hear it wasn’t her fault.

ThatsNotTheTeaHunty · 01/04/2021 20:29

A person who self harms needs support. Whether that is if you are together, or apart, he is still your child's father. You should support his mental health in the interests of your child.

His mental health doesn't come before her child.
In the interest in the child she could be better off not having contact with him for all we know. Especially when he says she is the reason he SH.
The only person she needs to focus on is herself and unborn child.

MiriamMargo · 01/04/2021 20:30

Sorry but the future doesn't look bright for this baby.

SnuggyBuggy · 01/04/2021 20:32

A partner isn't a free therapist. There is no shame in having a mental health problem but to use it to manipulate someone is wrong.

Merryoldgoat · 01/04/2021 20:32

@Umbivalent

#bekind is bollocks - it’s a way of silencing people and giving people license to mistreat others with no comeback.

He BLAMED her for his self-harming.

That’s an emotionally abusive and manipulative way of making people stop challenging your problematic behaviour.

My ‘father’ isn’t in my birth certificate. It’s not affected me at all.

Umbivalent · 01/04/2021 20:35

His mental health doesn't come before her child

I didn't say it does. I just said, maybe there could be some understanding here.

Self-harm doesn't happen out of the blue. And he's obviously done it before. Yes, he has been manipulative and unfair in telling OP that it was her fault. But did he actually use those words? Or did he say it was because they had an argument?

Either way, just saying "cut him out of your life" is, to me, unfair on the child. With some help, even if they don't parent together, he could be a better father to the child. Who, as you said, needs to be put first.

Umbivalent · 01/04/2021 20:37

Aibu to think he's being out of order by blaming me?

So, OP, to answer your actual question - yes, he was out of order to blame you.

BUT he has now opened up to you. Even if you keep a distance from him, this is your chance to urge him to get help. That will be in the interests of your child.

DYWMB · 01/04/2021 20:47

What was the argument about?

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