Did PND/ PNA cause you to stop at one child?

[TotallyCommitted]

We have a delightful two year old and she is the light of my life. Before she was born I was incredulous at the idea of just having one, however almost immediately after she was born I was in a crushing fog of depression, anxiety and panic attacks. I never sought professional help as I was irrationally scared the care system would get involved.

My bond with her was there from the very beginning - it took the form of me feeling completely trapped and panicked about if I could parent her, and lots of catastrophising - eg. What if I faint now, she is relying on me? So many days were a really dark struggle and I am so so sad about that and it makes me feel so utterly crap. Throughout all of this I cared for her in almost an OTT way- I wouldn't let her cry for even a second without going to her etc.

She had colic and was a poor sleeper and I wondered if it was all just because I was chronically sleep deprived as when she started to sleep through after the first year I started to feel much better.

DH wants another and I'm scared to do it all again, I don't know if my mental health can take it but I adore her so much I don't want to regret not trying in a few years. I'm 37 so not especially young.

Just wondering really if this is a valid reason to stick with one as now I feel pretty much normal again and don't want to risk not being a good enough parent by pushing myself again. It just feels like a sad reason not to try.

It is my reason and it is a perfectly valid reason. DS was unaware how I felt when he was a baby but if I had another now and felt the same he would be aware. I would not be able to parent him as I want to do. It also put a massive strain on my marriage.

YANBU. I have a DS who is nearly 2. I’ve finally just been diagnosed with PND and prescribed sertraline.

Bad birth, non-sleeping baby, pretty useless DH. I haven’t yet decided, but we may only have one. It’s the kind of thing I may regret in ten years time, but I’m a good Mum to one and can - just about - cope. It would really impact DS if I got ill again and I don’t know if my marriage would survive.

It’s as good a reason as any to stop at one.

Took me 8 years to decide to have another baby. Mainly because I was with someone new. Ds1 resented ds2 from the moment he was born and decided to live with his grandparents.

Yanbu. I always wanted two but DH and I are sticking to one. Our son had colic/cmpa and screamed all day until 14 weeks. It was dreadful. It took me a further two and a half months to relax more and not walk around on eggshells waiting for another 3 hour nonstop screaming session. It was a dark, horrible time and I had the full support of DH who is also still carrying some issues from those dark days. Our son is 9 months now and such a happy little boy who rarely cries. I know it's early days but I don't think we could survive that again, and I'd feel guilty putting my older son through it.

Your mental health is a very valid and understandable reason why you don't want to go for a second. Of course, if you do decide to go for number 2, make sure you chat to the midwives to discuss your worries about your mental health and get checked on during and after pregnancy.

I always imagined I'd have 3.. after dd no way could I go through that again.. there was a time when she was still a baby (and I was still in the deep end with PND, so its odd that i thought this way ) that I was so broody it was all I could think about, but it was mostly the longing to have another baby so I could do it all 'right' as I felt I'd been robbed/failed the first time around.
But I just couldnt, I still suffer with intrusive thoughts 6 years on but not as badly as I did in her first year. Lifes on a relatively even keel now and I'd like to keep it that way.

I suffered very severe PND after my second child, having been fine with my first, I was actually hospitalised for a few days (I had a diagnosis of puerperal psychosis). I had weekly visits from a Community Psychiatric Nurse for several months and was on medication for a year or so.

I did actually go on to have a third child, the desire to have another child for me was stronger than my fear of it happening again, my GP referred me to the midwife as soon as I was pregnant again (I had discussed the risks with him before trying) so I had extra support and the health visitor was very good after the birth. I think the fact DH and the family knew was very helpful as I had struggled on and not been honest with anyone about how I was feeling.

Only you can decide what is right for you, perhaps think about what you could do differently and how you could access more support. I think it is a very valid reason to stop at 1 if that feels right for you, I actually feel stopping at 1 is a very valid choice for many other reasons these days. My children are adults and my DD is definitely thinking of only having 1 child when the time comes.

I'm considering it. It took 3 years to decide to TTC in the first place, partly because of PNA. Then we lost DS2 at almost 22 weeks pregnant due to a TFMR. I don't know if it's classed as having PND/A without the baby. I have intrusive thoughts daily at present, and high anxiety a lot of the time. My mindset is still in TTC but I've given up emotionally it's difficult.

I had PND after my first and I'venow got a 5 month old and PNA this time. I was worried about it happening again but not enough to stop me having another.

One of the reasons I stopped at one. She's 11 y.o. now and there are lots of benefits. She nags me daily for a dog but has never wanted a sibling. We're a happy trio and my own preconception about what a family 'should be' has completely changed.

Do what's right for you.

We stuck at one - I had fertility treatment for many years before having DD1 and her birth was really traumatic. I had PND and PN PTSD. The decision wasn’t just due to the birth but the depression and the lengths it took to conceive her just all took its toll.

DD2 was our very happy accident! I’m glad she happened the way she did as I’d never have actively tried for another child. The subsequent birth went well (elective cs) and whilst I did have PND it was clouded very much by the untreated ptsd.

Only you can know if this is the right decision for you - all I will say is that you are so much more aware second time round, you know what to expect, how to feel and I definitely sought help earlier when I was struggling with PND with DD2. Good luck whatever you decide to do

I had hyperemesis throughout, an induced labour and manual removal of the placenta.
Pregnancy was not a joy and I didn't glow. I had just moved to a new area, had no family near and knew nobody.
I think I ticked most of the boxes for pnd.
Suffered for about 2 years. I never considered putting myself through it again and 19 years later have no regrets. Dc is quite happy being an only.

If you truly don’t want another child that is enough of a reason.

It’s worrying that people feel they have to have a ‘valid’ reason for not reproducing again. For me it’s the other way round.

I had severe PNI after dc2 and by the time I was ready to think seriously about another child we felt too old and that makes me sad.

My first I was fine, my second was pretty bad. The first year was quite bleak and I feel lucky that we have both survived it.

If I'd have been that bad first time round there is no way in hell I'd have had #2.

It’s my reason. I decided I wanted to prioritise the child I had, rather than risk PND with another one. I’ve since become a single parent, there’s no way that if I ever met someone else that I would have another child.

However if you just don’t want another one that’s fine as well. It’s ok to just want one child.

It is a good reason to stop at one if you want to. I did have a second at 38 and I'm so glad I did. I had pnd after the first which was undiagnosed but eventually was put on sertraline which really helped after my second was born. I am still not on an even keel but I love my second desperately and I'm so glad I made the decision to have him even though it's been very hard.

I felt like this after having DS and he is now 2 and I am firmly committed to not having any more children. I can't do it to myself and it feels unfair on DS. I spent the first year or so of his life struggling so much and utterly miserable, and to be like that with him but crack on with another child regardless doesn't sit right with me.

I suspect my pnd is why my dh doesn’t want anymore. It was horrific really, our marriage barely survived the first couple of years with our DTs. For me, I was so ready and up for having more in the first couple of years (I’d always imagined having 4 kids and wanted to get the baby years over as fast as I could) but I’m now glad I didn’t have more - my 3 year olds have convinced me that I’m done!

I was really unwell unexpectedly after DS1 with crippling depression and anxiety that saw me in hospital. I'd never had anything before and it was a big shock.

I decided to take meds and go for a second. They are now 13 and 10 and I don't regret it for a second. I dipped a lot after the birth but picked up more quickly the second time because of the medication.

I stopped at 2 DC because of PND. I honestly don't think I would survive another round.

I think it’s a tough decision and many women face a big decision on this due to mental health aswell as babies that don’t sleep for years, babies that cry constantly etc. I think you need to consider that you could get help if you suffer postnatal depression again. My second son was so hard, he cried constantly (diagnosed at 2 with a milk allergy so probably pain) and didn’t sleep for a good 18 months which made my life hard. I was very depressed when I was on Mat leave with him as I didn’t have any family or close friends locally. I did go on to have a daughter, 3.5yrs later and it was nothing like it was with ds2. And I have to say my son hasn’t caused me a day’s trouble since he was 2, he’s 16.5 and a really lovely teenager.

No-one can say what you should do, but do know that there’s help out there

I had severe pnd with my first. I knew I always wanted a sibling for her though: I stopped my meds when pregnant and then went back onto them when my son was born. All fine.

I thought with DC2 things would be different - my PND with first was because I was neurotic and lonely, mostly, and didn't want to admit it. By the time we were trying again I had a good network of mum friends and also had experience so knew what to do and was pretty relaxed about it all.

Then while trying for DC2 I had some losses, spent pregnancy terrified I'd lose again, after birth I was fine at first but my DC1 absolutely hated having a sibling and blamed me and DC2 screamed constantly, did not sleep for literally years and had health issues and as it transpires possibly lifelong issues which have a major impact on all our lives.

DC1 also had health issues which developed around the time of DC2's birth (unrelated) and still impact him and us a lot today. It was the darkest period of my life and I went to some very dark places, as did DH. We love our DC so much but they are not "easy" children and our mental health even quite a few years on hasn't fully recovered tbh.

DC1 - PGP in pregnancy, difficult birth and immediate postnatal period, challenging first year with terrible sleep and a late diagnosis of CMPA and reflux, in hindsight I definitely had PND but didn't realise at the time as I thought it was just sleep deprivation and the shock of having a baby

Took me until DC1 turned 2 to feel ready to try for another. I now have DC2 who is 6 months old. I have done quite a few things differently this time around. Hired a doula for the birth who helped me process my feelings about the first birth and feel positive about the next one. Second birth was a much better experience. Baby also has CMPA but as we knew the signs to look out for we cut out dairy straight away, we know what to do about it basically. I've also worked hard to get baby sleeping better (flexible routine and more independent sleep, not always on me or in motion as with DC1)... a necessity because I have DC1 to look after and can't just ignore him while I spend hours getting her to sleep, I also can't be a complete zombie as I need energy for him during the day.

This time around I recognised the signs of PND and sought help early on, tried a support group and CBT and when I found those weren't enough I spoke to GP and started sertraline. It's helped me.

So DC2 has been difficult but much easier than first time around because I do feel more confident that I know what I'm doing and I also know to ask for help and what to ask for.

It is exhausting but this time I can tell there's a difference between feeling exhausted but ok (no PND) and exhausted and miserable (PND).

Something else that's helped me get through the hardest parts is that I know I'm not having any more children, so I tell myself this is last time I have to be pregnant / give birth / establish breastfeeding / survive on broken sleep... etc.

I was never diagnosed with anything but found the baby years very tough. It turned out my daughter had a then undiagnosed (but now well controlled) medical condition which made feeding her solids really hard.

None of the medical staff listened when I kept saying there was an issue which was really stressful so that didn't help at all.

I always wanted a big family but couldn't even contemplate it again after having her as I was so worried about starting the whole process (including the pregnancy) again.

She's a teenager now and is healthy and happy. I occasionally have regrets looking back that we didn't have more but I think lots of people do as the child stage ends and the GCSE age starts...

I do miss the young child phase a bit but that would always end however many you had. She was born when we were mid 20s and I have since had many friends who have struggled to have children later. Mostly I just think we are lucky to have our lovely girl.