Did PND/ PNA cause you to stop at one child?

[TotallyCommitted]

We have a delightful two year old and she is the light of my life. Before she was born I was incredulous at the idea of just having one, however almost immediately after she was born I was in a crushing fog of depression, anxiety and panic attacks. I never sought professional help as I was irrationally scared the care system would get involved.

My bond with her was there from the very beginning - it took the form of me feeling completely trapped and panicked about if I could parent her, and lots of catastrophising - eg. What if I faint now, she is relying on me? So many days were a really dark struggle and I am so so sad about that and it makes me feel so utterly crap. Throughout all of this I cared for her in almost an OTT way- I wouldn't let her cry for even a second without going to her etc.

She had colic and was a poor sleeper and I wondered if it was all just because I was chronically sleep deprived as when she started to sleep through after the first year I started to feel much better.

DH wants another and I'm scared to do it all again, I don't know if my mental health can take it but I adore her so much I don't want to regret not trying in a few years. I'm 37 so not especially young.

Just wondering really if this is a valid reason to stick with one as now I feel pretty much normal again and don't want to risk not being a good enough parent by pushing myself again. It just feels like a sad reason not to try.

Yes it was a factor.

I was never diagnosed with PND but think I had what I think of as “situational” depression, ie I had no local friends or family & failed miserably to make any mum friends so maternity leave was a very lonely experience.

I also found having a baby / toddler a huge shock to the system - I am very independent and have found the responsibility overwhelming at times and regularly have intrusive thoughts.

A big part of how I manage to stay ok mentally is having time to myself, in particular to do my hobby.
With one child I manage 90% of the time to stay in quite a good place mentally but I worry more DC would tip the balance.

It’s better for my child to have a physically & mentally healthy mum than a sibling and a mum who is a wreck, IMO.

I had PND with my first baby DS, but not my second DD, born during first lockdown. A lot of the PND from DS was to do with unresolved grief /anxiety about a second trimester loss I had before DS was conceived. I was terrified I was going to lose him, that I was going to do sth that would cause me to lose him. I did recover after accessing the appropriate support. And I've been fine since having DD. She has been an easier baby and it was a much better birth, which all helps obviously .

If you do decide to try for another one you would need to consider getting some support if you did get PND again. There is a mental health midwife at my hospital , you could ask to be referred to them while you are pregnant and they can discuss your mental health through the pregnancy . Hopefully you would recognise the signs of PND the second time around and communicate to someone that you needed help. I think I would have recognised the signs more 2and time around. I had no idea I was depressed after DS, I just thought everyone felt completely shit and overwhelmed for months after childbirth.

Also the sleep deprivation is easier to manage with the second baby I think. Still always tired but I find because I've done it before it's a bit easier to cope with. It's such a shock 1st time round. And lack of sleep does make everything feel worse.good luck whatever you decide.

If my own experience is anything to go by you should be fine with your second OP.

I had really bad PND with my first. I ended up being reluctantly persuaded to go on antidepressants which didn't seem to do anything, but took me as long to come off as I was on them (a year in total).

I think a lot of it was caused by the sheer shock of caring for a baby. He was so easy in hindsight but I don't think I'd mentally prepared myself for the life change at all. I felt like I'd dropped off the edge of the planet as tbh.

Two years later I was in a much better place when I conceived our second. I was so much more relaxed and obviously experienced and thankfully didn't suffer at all the second time.

I wish you well!

My mental health is a huge factor as to why dd is an only. Also medical fears, dislike of pregnancy play a huge part lol
I was never diagnosed but looking back I'm sure I had PND. I didn't cope with baby, toddler stages and as dd has got older, it's got easier, also recognizing that I need me time to be a good parent and not being shy to say no, it's my time
2 would stretch me way to thin, it would break me eventually

I had pnd with my first, they had reflux so screamed all day and all night and after a year I was a wreck.
Took me years to think about another, that was a much better experience, I planned a csection and they like to sleep. Oldest loves their sibling and the age gap isn't an obvious concern.
Having another one which will also be a handful.
If it's the only thing putting you off I'd recommend therapy. You may find the second child is easier or you are more able to cope or not suffer.