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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Angry years later that I didn't say something

27 replies

thatwasme22 · 31/03/2021 16:37

I am a lesbian and when I was 19 I still wasn't out and to many I am still not as it is something I am sensitive about. My friends didn't know then but likely suspected and were obvs talking about it behind my back.

Anyway when I was 19 I was at a friend's house and it was an Xmas party and her mum was drunk and started openly saying it in front of a room fill of people making jokes about me '' being a big dyke'' etc. I was shocked and sat there awkward. I was shocked and utterly humiliated but didn't respond. This woman was a woman in her later 40s and I was a kid.

This woman was married yet had affairs I had heard of. I could have fired back with this but I didn't especially as I was mates with her nephews/nieces/daughters. I still see her on the street and be polite but aibu to still resent her for doing it but also resent myself for not fighting my corner and not throwing back her affairs at her?

OP posts:

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 31/03/2021 16:43

Yanbu but saying nothing was almost certainly the best course of action at the time. You dont need that drama.

justamushypea · 31/03/2021 16:45

YANBU but you were young and inexperienced. I bet you would call someone out who said that to you now.

Original poster

thatwasme22 · 31/03/2021 16:45

My thinking was that she was nearly 50 so should have had more sense as I was a teen.

OP posts:

Original poster

thatwasme22 · 31/03/2021 16:46

''Yanbu but saying nothing was almost certainly the best course of action at the time. You dont need that drama.''

yea I am terrible at defending or asserting myself in situations like this and then seethe afterwards.

OP posts:

Original poster

thatwasme22 · 31/03/2021 16:47

Why do you think saying nothing was the 'best course of action' out of interest?

OP posts:

x2boys · 31/03/2021 16:54

If she was drunk she could have got angry or aggressive,it must have been very unpleasant for ,you but I think saying nothing was the right thing to do if you didn't want confrontation.

stackemhigh · 31/03/2021 16:59

YANBU for not saying anything then, you were 19 and late 40s. She was a homophobic bully.

YABU for being polite to her. If I saw he now I would say to her that her calling you a big dyke really hurt you and you still find it upsetting after all these years.

And then blank the bitch.

GreySkyClouds · 31/03/2021 17:01

How old are you now?

merryhouse · 31/03/2021 17:04

Think of it this way: would it have helped?

Would it have made anyone think it wasn't true? Would it have made anyone realise that it doesn't matter anyway? Would it have made anyone consider you a much nicer person than her?

ikeepseeingit · 31/03/2021 17:07

It was a hurtful thing for her to say. Talking back wouldn't have made her any less homophobic though, you did what was right at the time. Age and experience might now mean you'd do something different, that doesn't make either reaction wrong.

She will always have that hate in her heart, but you can let go of it and feel safe in the knowledge that you're a kinder person than she can ever hope to be.

Felifox · 31/03/2021 17:12

I've said YABU as it's in the past, the woman probably wouldn't remember it. Hopefully you'd now have the courage to challenge her way of making judgements of people. Who the hell is she to judge anyone?

In general there is a tendency to think it's funny or acceptable to ridicule people and it's tantamount to bullying which can have devastating effects on people's confidence, especially vulnerable people.

Gothichouse40 · 31/03/2021 17:15

The woman making the comments said alot more about herself than about you. You were dignified in your silence and she showed herself up. I would waste no more time or thought on this woman.

MoltenLasagne · 31/03/2021 17:18

Don't be mad at yourself, she's a twat and everyone else around should have stood up for you and told her to shut it.

beginningoftheend · 31/03/2021 17:18

YWNBU for staying quiet in the face of homophobic abuse - there is no rule about how you have to react.

What happened was horrible and that person was squarely in the wrong.

lanthanum · 31/03/2021 17:19

You were the better person here. No, she absolutely shouldn't have done it, but if anyone was thought of badly for it, it will have been her. No need to sink to her level; be proud that you've risen above it.

Tomyoneandonly · 31/03/2021 17:20

YABU. Why haven't you got over it? The truth is also you was not a kid. You was just about young. When I was 19 I had 2 DCS I was called allsorts. Like kids haveing kids and a slut and looked at to be a bad mum. The woman was obviously not educated on homosexuallity. She probably wouldn't mind you saying about her affairs. I know I wouldn't

broadstrokes · 31/03/2021 17:20

Ah op, what a horrible thing to have happened to you, especially when you were so young and you were her guest. She disgraced herself and I imagine everyone there would have thought she behaved appallingly. You didn't really need to day anything as she showed herself up to be nastily homophobic all by herself

I can understand you regretting not speaking up though. I can remember quite a few occasions when I sat silently when someone said something rude to me when I was younger and I just froze. And then I would kick myself as I always thought of a good retort much later! I am not so reticent nowadays, but it took me years to build up enough confidence to answer back calmly and clearly.

toocold54 · 31/03/2021 17:24

YABU she made an absolute arse out of herself and you didn’t rise to it so I think you handled it perfectly!

Tomyoneandonly · 31/03/2021 17:34

Some people are just not educated on homosexuallity. I was not taught it in school either. In fairness for all community's is to understand the concept and the future to come about homosexuals. You may not want to here this although 20years ago it was illegal. Now everyone has to adapt to the unforseen change. People will inevitably find this difficult and some LGBTQH can not take this into consideration. Oh the H Is for heterosexual.

x2boys · 31/03/2021 17:38

Homosexuality wasn't illegal 20 years ago

Brainwave89 · 31/03/2021 17:44

I am sorry you went through this . For what it is worth I suspect a good number of people in the room that night were mortified by what this woman was saying, and I think you did very well to keep your cool. You do not need me to tell you that her homophobia is entirely her problem. You should not feel any guilt as a teen for not challenging her.

Tal45 · 31/03/2021 17:45

She had no right to out you, that should be your choice alone but she obviously had a lot of issues and took them out on you. She probably had no inkling of the impact this had or would continue to have on you as she is not capable of that level of empathy and just thought it was funny.

You did the right thing in not saying anything about the affairs - you might have hurt a lot of other innocent people in revealing that secret in public. Take from this that you are the bigger and better person, you did the right thing she did not. I would not say anything more than a curt hello to her, be the bigger person but don't indulge her.

notacooldad · 31/03/2021 17:49

Why do you think saying nothing was the 'best course of action' out of interest?

Well for a start she was passed and you have said you are no good at defending yourself. So if things verbally escalated how would you have coped with that especially if she was aggressive.

notacooldad · 31/03/2021 17:49

passed!! Clearly meant pissed

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/03/2021 18:38

I think you need to be a bit kinder to yourself @thatwasme22. You were in a no-win situation back then, and TBH not responding was probably the best way to deal with it. Had you responded in any way, it would have escalated. Plus, you were probably in shock, it has a paralysing effect. I'd expect a large part of her 'audience' were similarly paralysed. Whilst thinking that she was pissed and making a fool of herself. (And if you were aware of her infidelity, a large proportion of them would have been too.)

I do think you have to stop being polite to her when your paths cross. I suspect this is feeding your resentment. Make a decision to either blank her, or to tell her to fuck off if she approaches you.

Whatever you decide to do with her, also decide to stop being angry with 19-year-old you. She was ambushed. Give her a break. Give YOU a break.

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